Don't worry, folks, the next chapter of "Confess to You" is coming soon. I just took a short break to write this story.
Whether you're a Kiyone fan or not, this fic may seem a bit strange at first, but please give it a chance and read it through to the end. As a bit of totally useless trivia, this is the first fic that I have written using TV/TMiL continuity, instead of OAV/Manatsu no Eve continuity.
Legal disclaimer: "Tenchi Muyo!" and its characters are the property of Pioneer and AIC. This story, however, is mine. Please don't sue me, because I'm just writing this for fun. And fun is what "Tenchi Muyo!" is supposed to be all about, right?
Kiyone's Birthday
by Literary Eagle
Kiyone's soft eyelids quivered, then finally opened, exposing her azure eyes to a starlit sky which framed a full moon. This caused the detective to sit bolt upright, since the sight that should have greeted her was the dingy ceiling of her apartment.
"Where am I?" she whispered to herself.
Kiyone stood and brushed off the bits of soft grass that were clinging to her. She noticed that she still had on the sleepwear that she put on before going to bed. Her hands and feet were not bound, and there was none of the dizziness or grogginess that would suggest that she had been drugged.
Turning her head towards the sound of running water, Kiyone saw a majestic fountain. The water leapt and sparkled in the moonlight. Suddenly feeling thirsty, Kiyone walked over to the fountain and scooped some of the cool water in her hands. After all, she thought to herself, No one would go through the trouble of bringing me to this place just to poison me.
The water was incredible! It was unlike anything Kiyone had ever tasted before. She splashed some of the water on her face and ran her hands through her dark green hair, even though it seemed like a shame to use such sweet tasting water like that. Feeling refreshed, Kiyone decided to further explore the new environment. She was surrounded by well-trimmed shrubbery that twisted off in all directions. She was in a hedge maze.
Kiyone sniffed the air. Roses. The hedge maze was made of her favorite flowers. The detective began to walk along one of the maze's paths, hoping that she would eventually find a clue as to where she was.
After walking for several minutes, she began to feel exasperated, because every turn looked the same. Something moving in the breeze finally caught her attention. It was a ribbon, tied around one of the flowers. As Kiyone leaned closer to the ribbon in order to examine it, the thorny branches before her parted, making a space large enough for her to pass through. Taking the hint, Kiyone carefully stepped through the newly created gap. The roses immediately snapped back into place behind her, becoming a wall once again.
Before she could wonder what to do next, another set of roses parted in front of her. Kiyone began to proceed through the entire maze in this fashion, with the roses magically parting before her. Not even once did any of the flowers touch her with their thorns. She saw that she seemed to be approaching a large structure surrounded by fog. Kiyone squinted at it, but could not figure out what it was. It was only when she had exited the maze that the fog lifted, revealing the royal palace of Jurai.
"Kiyone?" a familiar voice said softly.
Tenchi approached her from the shadows of the palace gates. He was dressed in the traditional royal robes of Jurai. Kiyone had to admit to herself that he looked quite dashing in such attire.
"Tenchi, what's going on?" she asked.
"Would you like to sit down?" he said. He pointed to a spot on the grass where a blanket had been spread. Next to the blanket were a picnic basket and a bottle of Juraian wine.
Kiyone wordlessly went to the spot and sat down. The blanket was surprisingly warm in the cool night. Tenchi sat down beside her, and poured two glasses of the wine. He handed one of them to her, before opening the picnic basket and taking out a small covered dish. Tenchi removed the cover, revealing an impressive little array of chocolates shaped like roses.
Not sure of what else to do, Kiyone took one of the offered sweets and put it into her mouth. The taste of it put the water from that fountain to shame. Next, Kiyone sipped at the wine. It tasted even better.
"Tenchi, what is this all about?" Kiyone asked, "Where is everyone else? Are they coming, too?"
Tenchi shook his head. "They're still on Earth," he said, "It's just you and me. This is your birthday present, Kiyone."
Tenchi made a small gesture with his hand, and suddenly Kiyone was wearing royal Juraian robes made of silk the likes of which she had never even seen before, let alone worn.
"Tenchi?"
"Kiyone," Tenchi whispered, leaning in closer to her, "I brought you here because I didn't want all the noise and interruptions that we would get with the others back on Earth. There's something important that I just have to tell you. You're the most special woman that's ever come into my life. I've never admired anyone as much as you."
Tenchi took one of Kiyone's hands into his. "You're strong, compassionate, and... and beautiful. I love you, Kiyone."
Kiyone gasped. Tenchi moved even closer to her. She could see a mixture of hope and fear in his eyes.
"You don't have to say anything," Tenchi murmured, "I... I just wanted to tell you. I'll take you home if that's what you want."
Kiyone couldn't believe that this was happening. Tenchi had never shown any interest in her before! How long had he been keeping these feelings a secret?
"Tenchi," Kiyone said quietly, "I had no idea... How long have you had these feelings for me?"
"Since this morning," he said, smiling lovingly at her.
"WHAT?" Kiyone exclaimed.
"I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you beside me," Tenchi declared passionately, "The very sound of your name is nearly enough to give me a nosebleed! Come on, let's kiss..."
Tenchi leaned towards her, and Kiyone immediately pushed him onto his back, using one of her arms to pin his neck to the ground.
"Oh, Kiyone!" said Tenchi, "I've never been so turned on in my life..."
Kiyone grabbed her wineglass and broke it on a nearby rock, then pointed the jagged end at Tenchi's face. The stupid grin on his face quickly faded.
"You're not Tenchi!" Kiyone growled.
"What are you talking about, my love? Of course it's me." Tenchi laughed nervously.
Kiyone shoved the broken wineglass closer to his face. "Tenchi would never rush into a relationship," she declared, "Now, who are you?"
"Okay, okay! I'll drop the disguise!" he said quickly, "Darn, I was so close..."
Tenchi's hair became slightly longer, and in the moonlight Kiyone could see that it was changing from black to brown. She released the young man in surprise when he suddenly became taller in height. He turned to face her, and she saw that his eyes had become rounder.
"All right," said Kiyone, "Now who are you, and why did you kidnap me?"
"First of all, I didn't kidnap you," the young man said, "This is a dream that you're having. As for me, my name's Shigeru, and I used to be in the Galaxy Police. I always had a crush on you, but I knew that you deserved someone better than me. When I was killed in a firefight with space pirates, I decided to watch over you. I vowed to do whatever I could to make you the happiest woman in the universe."
"You expect me to believe that you're a ghost?" Kiyone said doubtfully.
"I'm telling the truth," Shigeru insisted, "I watched over you. I saw... I saw how horrible your life was. It was so heartbreaking. Your career aspirations were crushed because of that ditz you have for a partner, and you were stuck being a resident officer on Earth. As if that weren't bad enough, you often got caught in the crossfire in those fights between Ryoko and Ayeka. And when you defeated KAIN with the dimensional cannon, it should have been your ticket to a promotion, but it wasn't, because he had destroyed the whole damn GP headquarters!"
"Where are you going with this?" asked Kiyone.
"I wanted to give you the best birthday present possible," Shigeru replied, "I had it all figured out. I created this dream for you, and I created a different dream for Tenchi, so that the two of you would fall in love and be happy."
"You expected us to fall in love because of one night?" Kiyone said incredulously.
"Well... things sure didn't go as planned," Shigeru said sheepishly, "A few hours ago, I sent Tenchi a dream about you that included fan service, but he totally freaked out and woke up! Then he went to the medicine cabinet and gulped down several pep pills, and he hasn't fallen asleep since."
Kiyone took a moment to bless Tenchi. As for Shigeru...
"How dare you..." she began angrily, but stopped when she noticed tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to make you upset..."
Kiyone relaxed. She was still somewhat annoyed, but for some reason she had difficulty staying angry with the young man. She could sense that he really wanted to help her.
He was just a little misguided, that was all...
Shigeru noticed that Kiyone no longer looked angry. "Well, there's no reason why I can't still help you," he said happily, "I planned for everything. I have something to get rid of Mihoshi!"
...Better make that VERY misguided.
Kiyone opened her mouth to protest, but then nearly laughed when Shigeru made a toolbox materialize out of thin air.
"I think that you've got Mihoshi confused with Mecha-Washu," said Kiyone, "You can't give my partner an overhaul."
"No, no," said Shigeru, laughing good-naturedly, "but I did give THIS thing an overhaul."
Reaching into the toolbox, he pulled out a small hunk of plastic attached to a key chain.
"That's Mihoshi's virtual pet!" Kiyone exclaimed, recognizing the annoying toy, "What are you doing with that?"
"I gave it some special upgrades," Shigeru replied, "Mihoshi's virtual mouse has so many new features that the ditz won't have time to tear herself away from it! She'll be required to care for it every second. You'll finally be rid of her!"
Kiyone squinted at the image on the virtual pet's screen. The mouse looked... different. "What have you done?" Kiyone asked, blinking in confusion, "The mouse's picture has changed! It looks like a rat with wheels now! Who ever heard of a rat with wheels?"
"That's why it needs constant care!" Shigeru explained triumphantly, "Not only does Mihoshi have to feed it, but she also has to give it oil! She can't just give it medicine, she also has to change its tires! She'll never be in your way again!"
"You are NOT giving that stupid thing to my partner," said Kiyone, raising her voice just a little.
"But... I don't understand," said Shigeru, "I don't have to be a Doc to know how Dopey your partner is! Whenever you're Sleepy, she pesters you so that you can't get any rest. When you're Sneezy, she makes this horrible egg sake that should make anyone Bashful, but not her! This is your chance to finally be Happy!"
"You're beginning to make me Grumpy," Kiyone warned.
"But you know how Mihoshi always messes things up for you!" Shigeru protested, "Remember when that new chef joined the GP cafeteria staff? He was a genius, if a little bit temperamental. You could have enjoyed plenty of his wonderful cooking, if it hadn't been for Mihoshi..."
Waving his hand, Shigeru suddenly created a square of light that floated in the air. "This flat-screen television will play back that memory..."
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[This flashback is performed in front of a live studio audience.]
Wanting a snack before her late-night shift began, Mihoshi made her way through the crowded GP station's cafeteria. Spotting Kiyone at a table across the room, she began to run towards her.
"Hi, Kiyone!" she called, "Save that seat for me!"
In her excitement, the blonde detective squeezed the package of Junior Mints that she had been holding. One of the candies flew out of the package and into the mouth of another GP officer who had been walking by.
"Oh my gosh!" someone shouted as the officer began to go berserk, "You idiot! Don't you know that you should never feed a Gizmoian after midnight?"
"Waah! I'm so sorry!" Mihoshi wailed, as the crazed officer began to hurl chairs at the cafeteria staff.
SPLASH!
The new chef became drenched when one of the chairs struck the large pot of soup he had been preparing.
"That's it!" the temperamental chef exclaimed, "NO SOUP FOR YOU! No soup for anyone! I quit!" he tossed his apron onto the floor and stormed out of the cafeteria.
Everyone began to grumble and glare at Mihoshi.
"Junior Mint, anyone?" she asked sheepishly.
[Laughter and applause.]
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Kiyone frowned at Shigeru. "You've got it wrong," said Kiyone, "You're missing some important details."
"I am?" said Shigeru. When Kiyone nodded, Shigeru made a remote control appear in his hand. "Would you show me?" he asked.
Kiyone took the remote and pressed a button.
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[Audience cheers and whistles as Kiyone appears.]
Kiyone sat down at one of the tables in the cafeteria. It was so crowded that the chair across from her was one of the few empty seats left. Taking in the delicious aroma of her soup, Kiyone murmured to herself, "The new chef is really talented..."
Kiyone suddenly glanced up and noticed a female GP officer who had just entered the cafeteria. "Oh no," Kiyone groaned, "It's Mitsuki. The last thing I need is to hear her bragging before my late-night shift starts. I'm already gonna have to put up with Sergeant Letterman's drivel, I don't need any more! Well... maybe she won't see me."
Mitsuki saw the empty seat across from Kiyone. Smiling and waving, she began to walk towards Kiyone.
"D'oh!" Kiyone grunted.
Suddenly Mihoshi's voice called out, "Hi, Kiyone! Save that seat for me!"
[This is a test of the anti-redundant broadcast system. Hmm... since this part of the flashback really IS redundant, I guess it's not a test, but the real thing, huh? Okay, let's skip ahead to the important part of the flashback.]
"That's it!" the temperamental chef exclaimed, "NO SOUP FOR YOU! No soup for anyone! I quit!" he tossed his apron onto the floor and stormed out of the cafeteria.
"Wait!" Mitsuki shouted, running out after him, "You can't leave! I haven't tried your Super Soba yet!"
[Applause.]
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"Mihoshi saved my life on that day!" Kiyone explained to Shigeru, "If it hadn't been for Mihoshi's distraction, I would have had to eat with Mitsuki." She shuddered at the thought.
Shigeru was busy rummaging through his toolbox again.
"Now what are you doing?" asked Kiyone.
He answered her question by taking two objects out of the toolbox.
"Two more virtual pets?" said Kiyone, baffled.
"Not virtual pets," said Shigeru, grinning, "These are something I invented. Virtual pets, despite being inferior to real pets, are ridiculously addictive. That gave me the idea to create these virtual Tenchis!"
"Virtual WHAT?" said Kiyone, not believing her ears.
"One virtual Tenchi for Ryoko, and one virtual Tenchi for Ayeka," said Shigeru, "A virtual Tenchi is of course inferior to the real Tenchi, but Ryoko and Ayeka can't help but be addicted to these virtual ones! Best of all, if those destructive maniacs manage to kill their virtual Tenchis, the virtual Tenchis come back to life just like a virtual pet would!"
"Why do you want Ryoko and Ayeka to have virtual Tenchis?" Kiyone demanded.
"So when you and Tenchi get married, they'll be too occupied to kill you." Shigeru said proudly.
"I beg your pardon?" Kiyone snapped.
Shigeru's proud smile disappeared. "What's wrong?" he asked, confused, "You deserve Tenchi more than they do! You know how those two are! Remember this?" Shigeru pressed a button on the remote, and another memory began to play on the flat-screen TV.
"Why are the images in black-and-white?" said Kiyone.
"Er... I don't know," Shigeru replied, shrugging, "Maybe it's symbolic or something."
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[Sorry, the live studio audience left when they heard that some other flashback was giving out free bottles of Fruitopia.]
Hearing raised voices, Kiyone looked up from her Game Boy and saw that Ryoko and Ayeka were arguing about something again. Suddenly realizing that she had forgotten to pause her game, Kiyone quickly looked back down at the little screen. She was too late; the blocks had already piled all the way to the top. The game made an electronic farting noise, and then a message appeared that asked her to try again.
"Damn," Kiyone murmured, switching the Game Boy off.
Ryoko and Ayeka were still arguing. They were seated on the living room couch. Tenchi, stuck between them, kept nervously turning his head to look at both girls.
"How can you expect us to watch that movie?" Ayeka asked Ryoko, gesturing to one of the videos stacked by the TV, "Rumble in the Bronx, indeed! There are mountains in the background! I cannot believe that you expect me to sit through a film that is not even geographically accurate!"
"Oh, like the movie you want us to see is so much better," Ryoko retorted, "The reason why it's called Dead Poets' Society is because you can drop dead from boredom while watching it!"
"Please, God, just don't let them decide to watch Titanic," Kiyone murmured.
The argument between Ryoko and Ayeka escalated, until finally Ryoko stood and created her energy sword, while Ayeka summoned her miniature logs. Tenchi scrambled to get away from the two. In his haste, he dropped the cup of hot tea that he had been holding.
"Yow!" he exclaimed as the tea spilled onto him.
[The audience returns, laughing and sipping from their Fruitopia bottles.]
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"And that was one of their less destructive fights!" said Shigeru.
"And once again," Kiyone replied, "You're missing some important details."
Kiyone took the remote. "Watch what happened after that," she said, pressing a button.
Black-and-white images appeared on the screen once more.
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[The audience happily slurps Fruitopia.]
"Ow ow ow!" Tenchi exclaimed.
Ryoko and Ayeka quickly made their weapons disappear.
"Tenchi!" Ryoko exclaimed.
"Oh, no!" said Ayeka, "Lord Tenchi, did you hurt yourself?"
Kiyone watched the two girls grab napkins and begin to dab at the tea that had spilled onto Tenchi's lap. She could see Tenchi change color slightly as both girls began to move their hands around his crotch.
"This is all your fault," Ryoko growled.
"No, it's your fault," Ayeka snapped, "Lord Tenchi and I could be enjoying Casablanca right now if it weren't for you!"
"Hah!" said Ryoko, "Why don't you go back to Jurai and stay there? Tenchi and I don't need your royal stench around when we're watching Casablanca!"
"How dare you... wait a minute, did you say Casablanca?" said Ayeka.
"Yeah, so what... wait a minute, didn't you also say Casablanca?" said Ryoko.
"We've decided on the same movie!" both girls exclaimed.
"Ayeka," said Ryoko, "This could be the start of a beautiful friendship."
"Huh?" said Tenchi, blinking in confusion.
Ryoko and Ayeka looked at the clueless boy, then burst into laughter at the same time.
Kiyone smiled.
[No sound from the audience, because they all left to use the restroom after drinking all that Fruitopia.]
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"All that arguing is really just a game to them," Kiyone explained to Shigeru, "Ryoko and Ayeka are NOT bloodthirsty murderers."
"A game?" Shigeru replied incredulously, "That's ridiculous!"
"Well," said Kiyone, "how would you feel if I said that I find you to be a meddling smeghead?"
"What?" Shigeru exclaimed, "No, Kiyone, you've got it all wrong! I only want what's best for you! You don't understand what I'm thinking as I do this!"
"Exactly!" Kiyone said triumphantly, "Now, consider Ryoko and Ayeka. Ryoko has spent most of her life alone and on the run, while Ayeka's life has been very sheltered and restricted. They weren't raised the same way as us, and so they don't think like us."
Shigeru seemed to consider this for a few moments.
"I'm not saying that I approve of their fighting," Kiyone said softly, "It's just that it's not fair to judge them too harshly. I know they seem a bit strange, but I also know that they really are friends, and that their love for Tenchi is true."
Shigeru nodded slowly. "I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't realize... Do you want to leave now?"
"I guess so," said Kiyone.
"Just go back the way you came," said Shigeru, sighing and staring sadly at the ground.
Kiyone stood and held her hand out to him. "Would you like to escort me?" she asked softly, giving him a warm smile.
Shigeru looked up at her, and his eyes lit up. "I... sure!" he said, taking her hand and standing up.
Kiyone kept holding onto Shigeru's hand as he led her back to the hedge maze. The thorny branches parted before them, and the two stepped through the gap. They made their way through the rest of the maze in this fashion. One time, one of the roses did not move away far enough, and Kiyone received a small scratch on her arm.
"Forgive me, my lady!" a small voice from the rose exclaimed, "I will of course commit suicide immediately."
The petals fell off the rose and fluttered to the ground.
"Sure. Fine. Whatever." Kiyone murmured, feeling a mixture of confusion and embarrassment.
Shigeru and Kiyone finally arrived at the water fountain.
"I'm really sorry about this, Kiyone," said Shigeru, "I just wanted you to be happy. I just wanted to give you a really great birthday present."
"It's okay," Kiyone said softly, "I know that you meant well. Just... well, please don't insult my friends to make me feel better. That's not the way to do it. Actually, in a way you have given me a great present."
"I have?" said Shigeru, puzzled.
Kiyone nodded. "By making me defend my friends, you've reminded me of what I do have," she said, "My career may not be going anywhere right now, but at least I'm not alone. I've got good friends like Mihoshi, Ryoko, Ayeka, and all the others."
Shigeru smiled. "Oh. Well, then... happy birthday, Kiyone."
"Thanks," said Kiyone. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.
In the moonlight, she could see Shigeru blush with pleasure before he suddenly vanished.
Kiyone opened her eyes and saw that, once again, the familiar stains of her apartment's ceiling were not the sight that greeted her.
"Unfamiliar ceiling," she groaned.
Kiyone suddenly realized that her feet were on her pillow. Somehow, she must have tossed and turned so much in her sleep that her head was on the wrong end of her futon. Sitting up, Kiyone saw that she really was in her apartment after all. She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Good morning, Kiyone!" Mihoshi's voice exclaimed.
Kiyone turned around and saw that Mihoshi was already up and dressed. Mihoshi's virtual mouse hung from her belt, and Kiyone was happy to see that the image of the mouse did not have wheels. But... of course it didn't have wheels. That crazy dream had been just that, right? Just a dream.
"Happy birthday, Kiyone!" the blonde said cheerfully, "I just can't wait to see the look on your face when you open this!" She handed Kiyone a small wrapped box. "And after breakfast," Mihoshi continued, "We're off to Tenchi's house for the big party!"
"Breakfast? Weren't we supposed to go to Tenchi's house after LUNCH?" asked Kiyone.
"Well, Tenchi called while you were still asleep," said Mihoshi, "For some reason, he was up all night putting up decorations, so everything's ready much earlier than planned. I guess he was excited, too."
"Pep pills..." Kiyone murmured to herself, remembering what Shigeru had said. Good grief.
"C'mon, Kiyone, open up your present!" said Mihoshi, jumping up and down with excitement, "You can show it off at the party!"
"Thanks, Mihoshi," Kiyone said, smiling as she unwrapped the box.
Okay, so her career wasn't going anywhere right now, but at least life was still pretty damn good...
Kiyone opened the box. "Ta-da! It's a virtual rose!" Mihoshi explained.
...Maybe not PERFECT, but still pretty damn good.
Author's notes: Yes folks, this was my first attempt at a comedy! Please let me know what you think, even if you didn't like it. I'll never be able to improve without your input.
Now, I am a huge Kiyone fan. The thing is, I think that she has enough wonderful qualities that we can all praise her without bashing the other characters just to make her look good. Of course, that goes for all the other characters, too. It's no big secret that I believe in Ryoko + Tenchi, but I really dislike fics where Tenchi chooses Ryoko because Ayeka is unfairly portrayed as a nasty witch. I'd much rather read an Ayeka + Tenchi fic, if it doesn't have character bashing.
Anyway, I'd like to thank my prereaders AleeN, Max Gilliland and Rhys Doyle for their assistance with this fic. Additional thanks go to Jake the Goose for drawing an illustration for this story. The illustration is on my website (you can find the address to the site in my author profile). Thanks again!
-Literary Eagle, 1999