A/N: The Idea just wouldn't leave me alone. (: Also, I've not read this through, so any mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer: Glee isn't mine, nor do I pretend that it is.
Santana always feels like she's someone's second choice, she's never been picked first. Quinn got to be Head Cheerleader and the only time she got it was when Quinn went and got pregnant, only to be toppled as soon as Quinn got her hands on a uniform again.
Her Dad always told her how important his work was, but she never understood that's why she had to come second for it. It was only at Sectionals, that after the opening two lines of Valarie that she saw her Dad leave the auditorium with his phone pressed to his ear, he didn't even bother to look back at her on stage.
Puck used her to get closer to Quinn, who was his first choice. Then again, when he shaved his Mohawk and wanted a Cheerio girlfriend to get popular again, he'd rather be with Mercedes than her. But, when he chose Lauren over her, she just figured he had some sort of fat fetish along to join his old lady one.
When Finn slept with her, and then didn't even try to hide the regret it didn't hurt. But when he went back to perusing Rachel fucking Berry over her, wanted nothing to do with her at his Mum and Kurt's Dad's wedding all she felt like was crying. Because even the dumbest kid she's ever known, looked at her like she was dirty and not worthy of his time and then he wanted Quinn again – the girl who lied to him about a baby, Quinn and so Santana unravelled what was going on between them.
All Sam wanted was Quinn, but Santana knew that and she didn't care. By then she just didn't want to be alone anymore, she couldn't sit in any more of the glee practices and see everyone coupled up, or people sending each other flirty stares. Except Mercedes, but she seemed to like it that way.
When Berry had a party, she drank until she couldn't see the smiles that Brittany would send Artie. She'd kiss Sam until she couldn't breathe just so she didn't have to see it, she'd press his lips to hers and she wouldn't feel the stubble like normal because she was numb, and as her fingers tousled blond hair, she pretended it was Brittany until it got too much and she broke down crying. And when Sam and Brittany kissed, she got angry and tried to break it up and as soon as Sam thought it was because of him, all she could do is pull him in for another kiss, just to have the taste of Brittany in her mouth.
Brittany was the only person to have Santana as her first choice, honestly she didn't know how her and Brittany, she didn't know where it started or when she begun to fall, she knew it was dangerous to carry on after the first kiss, which had made her heart beat faster than anyone else's kiss had.
When Brittany started trying to copse emotions out of Santana, to get some sort of verbal commitment between them, because physically? They was always over each other, shoulders bumping as they walk, the stroking of limbs absent mildly during glee or the connection they felt when they slept together. She was still drowning in denial; she couldn't even comprehend ever loving a girl, which just didn't happen in small town Ohio.
Artie came in and stole Brittany from her, then he fucked it up and Brittany was there crying about how Artie was sad because she had slept with him. Puck then invited her on a date with Artie and Brittany, she accepted because maybe her little gay panic had just been because Puck had been away, maybe she just needed to sleep with a man, but that didn't help at all, because the next thing she knew Brittany was now dating Artie.
It didn't take long for her to convince Brittany that sleeping with her didn't count as cheating, but when Artie though Brittany was sleeping with Mike Chang, Brittany asked why it didn't count as cheating and all she panicked and then just explained that the plumbing was different. She saw the way Artie's anger flared up at the thought of Brittany cheating, it tempted her to tell him what had been happening between her, but every time she went along to tell him, she worried about the whole of the school knowing that the two of them sleeping together was a regular, not alcohol induced event.
It's better with eye contact Brittany had told her, but she knew she couldn't look into Brittany's eyes during sex; she didn't want the girl below her to see the regret, the loneliness and how much she was dying inside. Brittany wanted them to speak to someone, to an adult and they agreed on Ms. Holiday and when she was asked to sing about her feelings, she had the perfect song, she just prayed that Brittany felt the same.
As soon as tears stung at the backs of her eyes, as they sung Landslide, she knew that she had to make eye contact, to make Brittany feel what was between them, what she was feeling, everything she couldn't say aloud. Because, when the song ended and Brittany asks her if that's how she feels, she can only nod and say a weak yes, but when Rachel Berry makes a comment about 'Sapphic charm' she becomes hyperaware and the defensive remark is already out of her mouth before she can stop it, she looks at Brittany and see's the renewed sadness which starts filling her eyes.
She spends the whole of that night crying into her pillow, before it hits her that she's in love with Brittany, and that's why everything hurts so much. When she calls Brittany to tell her, she hears Artie in the background, and Santana pretends to forget why she called, she falls asleep with a tear standing pillow pulled into her side, and the reminiscent smell of Brittany that still lingers on the pillow, haunting her.
It takes 22 hours and 29 minutes after singing Landslide for her to finally approach Brittany, who again like earlier in the week alone at her locker, the butterflies in her stomach go crazy, and she feels anxiety filling her up, and the nausea over take her. She should be doing this in private, not in a public hallway where anyone could overhear, but she needs to admit this, in the open, too much between them has been behind closed doors.
Her voice goes high, just saying hi, and she just wants to turn away and run off. But, her feet are unwilling to co-operate and she's stuck. Words spew from her mouth, and she can't hold back from crying now, because here she is admitting her love for Brittany.
When Brittany says, that she loves her back, she wants to just push Brittany up against the lockers and kiss her. However, it all falls apart, Artie comes in and ruins it all, and she feels the anger bubble up inside her, mix with the sadness and sorrow and when Brittany tells her that, if her and Artie break up, she's hers, she just wants to run but her legs still aren't working. Brittany tries to hug her, she just pushes against the girl, she can't have her burn her anymore, she turns and she walks away, tears falling fast.
When she goes to sleep that night, the smell on her pillow taunts her of everything she can't have, until it comforts her. When she dreams that night, it's of golden hair and floating laugher in a place where no one can touch them, where hope washes away the heartache.