What's wrong, Edward?

by a Casual Observer

An exploration of familiar characters from an alternate point of view.

Twilight

It was a bunch of little things. He never wore the scarf I bought him, or the sweater, or anything else. I can't even remember what all I gave him but you know, they were all cute. Wasn't like there was anything wrong with the stuff.

That was his whole thing. He'd spent so long with the absolute best clothes- I mean, he wouldn't spend anything less than fifteen hundred dollars on a leather jacket, and he told me I haven't even seen most of his collection of them- that he just "couldn't bring himself" (his words) to wear something that cost five dollars from Target.

What am I supposed to do, you know? Get a higher-paying job? I'm in high school, for Christ's sakes. What should really happen is he should give me some money to pay for the gifts he obviously wants. It'd be just one step up from being his personal shopper but at least he'd wear the stuff I got him.

But of course it's not about the money. I don't want to make it sound that way, the money thing is really no big deal for us. People would get really suspicious if I started going around with his money anyways, because he has to keep it under wraps- buys his cool clothes and fast cars in Portland or Seattle- you know, being technically unemployed.

Yeah, there we go, that's another thing. I come home from a full day of school and I've put in overtime at work, and he's already in my bedroom, juggling one of his apples, rolling his eyes and telling me how much he just deplores helping his "father" at the morgue, looking at those bodies all completely drained of blood.

I tell him 'Sweetie, you've got to earn your keep somehow. I mean, if you weren't working for your dad, you could conceivably find somewhere else, you know? There are options.'

God, then the eye rolling, always with the eye rolling. Some girls say they're stuck with a perpetual teenager as a boyfriend, well…I actually am.

We met at Cucina Verdi. They have really tasty food for the prices, and they do calamari so well. But that's not the kind of thing to order when you're with a guy, because it's all slimy and fishy-smelling (hahah I can think of a ton of innuendos right now) but anyways. So. Of course he knew something was up because I'd told him to come to a restaurant.

I was already sitting down, wearing this cute red top, but not too cute because of the occasion, and a skirt and boots. Boots are so fucking cool. Like, they're probably my favorite item of clothing, because whenever you're wearing them you just feel so much more in command of everything. I don't mean that in a control-freakish way either because think about it, we're not in command of a whole lot in our lives, you know?

I also had these medium-sized gold earrings that had this zig-zaggy pattern. I really like them, I got them from one of those fair-trade stores, a friend of mine works there so I came in and was looking-

See? Like, I'm sitting here, waiting for Him, and I'm not thinking about him at all, I'm telling myself anecdotes about where I bought my jewelry. And that "him" has to be capitalized because he's been the central focus of my life for more than a year now and to be honest, it feels a little ridiculous at this point.

Perfect timing. There he is, in his charcoal jacket ('Keep going down in sizes until it's uncomfortable, then go one size up from that.' I guess it's good that he stays current on fashion trends, invests in a new wardrobe every decade) and his open shirt collar, a little chest-hair for me. Thanks, babe. But why a white shirt? I told him he should go with burgundy one time and he just glared at me. It's always some shade of black or white or grey with him. I wonder if he's colour-blind, like, completely, if that's part of his condition.

'Hey darling!' I said.

He didn't say anything, just pulled his chair out and sat down. The guy with the water was right there and started pouring.

'What can I get you folks this evening?'

'Let's see, to drink I'll stick with water, and to eat…I think I'll go with the clam and scallop spaghetti- unless the scallops here are no good?'

The waiter looked around for a second, then said 'I'll be honest with you, they're not great. I mean, they're certainly good, it's just, you know, you might think they're a little tough and not as flavourful as you like.'

'Wow, thanks so much! Most waiters aren't honest like that. They just say "Oh, our scallops are the last word in molluscry, madame".'

That got a laugh. Can't say as much for my boyfriend, Mr. Happy Funjoy over there.

'So,' I said, 'instead I'll have this sausage ravioli. Unless I'll get trichinosis?'

Another laugh. He took my menu and looked at my guy.

'And what'll you have, sir?'

'Oh, I forgot to mention it,' I told him, 'Edward here ate before he came. Yeah, he had a prior engagement but he said to me "know what hun? Let's go out anyways, I don't mind watching you stuffing your face." Just get him a cup of black coffee and, howbout a little foccacia we could split in case he gets peckish.'

'Of course.'

The waiter swooped away.

Edward's hands were on the table. I reached over while taking a sip of water and held one. 'This gonna be a quiet night for you, babe?' He was prone to silent melancholies.

'Bella,' he said, hardly able to get it out. It kind of startled me how wounded he sounded all of a sudden, 'I know why we're here. You…you can't…I'm not stupid.'

'Edward, what are you talking about? Why are we here?'

'You're gonna- I-'

His coffee came. He retracted his hand and gave a disdainful "thank you" look to the waiter.

'I'm gonna what?'

'Look, alright, you can't do this, you just can't do this. You know what I am.'

'I know, Edward, but you're misunderstanding. I'm not going to "do" anything. Alright? I know what you're thinking, you think I want to break up with you. Right? You're expecting the worst?'

It took a while, but he nodded.

'Baby, I'm not gonna. I love you, Edward, you're my bloodsucking fave. Oh, stop it, don't shush me, people will just think "bloodsucking" is a new cool adjective if they overhear. Look, all I want to do is talk with you, about our relationship. Couples do this, it's nothing to worry about. The reason I chose a restaurant is because this is my world, my territory, and the things I want to say to you, they involve you becoming a little more adjusted to my world. Because Edward, Edward, just listen to me for a sec. We both know it's been so much about your world for so long, and I've made sacrifices and I've come to terms with a lot about your world, but honey, we do have to get realistic about this. My world is bigger. There are just more people in it. We can't just ignore it, okay?'

'I see exactly where this is going,' he hissed.

I couldn't suppress a sigh. 'Where's this going, Edward?'

'It's the job thing.'

'No, it's not. It's not just that-'

'Bella, you know what it's like for me. You know! That's what's so hard for me to understand, why are you being like this if you know how hard it is for me?'

'You know what you sound like?'

'What?'

'Like everybody else. That's right. Like every other human being because that's what you are and I've been trying to tell you for so long, Edward, I've been trying to get it through to you that even vampires (had to whisper that) are people. That's what you showed me, and I don't know why you don't believe it yourself.'

He threw his napkin on the table and started to get up.

'No!' I said, 'Sit back down! Edward, please. Sit down.'

Eventually he did.

'See, we need to talk about this stuff, darling,' I told him, 'and we won't get anywhere if all you do is try to withdraw.'

'Okay, but Bella, "even vampires are people"? Are you aware how stupid that sounds?'

'No, I'm really not. I believe it. You're a guy, Edward, first and foremost. You were attracted to me, you flirted with me, your biology as a heterosexual male desired me. I desired you too, then I started really falling in love with you for who you were. For the days where your breath has this weird metallic cupcake frosting smell, and the way you're a little arrogant, and the kinds of things you find funny, and the way you catalogue your emotional history through music. None of that shit has anything to do with being a vampire. Except for maybe the frosting thing, but I don't know. Because I didn't know you a hundred years ago. If I did I would've fallen in love with you. I love you human, vampire, circus clown, accountant, whatever. I just love you, and the vampire thing? That's just something we'll deal with, together.'

He played with his fork a little bit, mulling it over. I'd gotten to him just a little bit, I could tell that. And he was proving my point that he was first and foremost just a guy by not having a clue what I was trying to tell him in practical terms. 'So you're still undecided about being changed?'

"Changed", their word for being turned into a vampire. Christ, I don't know. It just sounds…gah, whatever.

'Edward,' I said, 'look. What I'm saying is, that, being changed, would be what's called a "next step" in a relationship. Like starting to share our sexual lives exclusively, that took some talking over, right? Remember? We had to set all sorts of rules in place so you wouldn't rip my throat open while you made love to me. It's the same thing with this, we just need to plan a little. If I'm going to be changed, then I'm going to be a vampire. Okay. But there could be other options. I mean, if you could be human again. Edward, Edward. Stay with me. We're still in the realm of the completely hypothetical. I just want you to picture the choice I'd have to make, in reverse and from your point of view. So let's just say for argument's sake that there's some vampire witchdoctor in the Himalayas who's discovered someway to de-vamp you, then we'd talk about that, together, as a couple. Do you understand what I'm saying? Edward, I want us to figure out which world we want to live in. Yours or mine. That's all.'

My ravioli came. I did, unfortunately, get food poisoning from it. So I was in between bouts of vomiting when Edward came to my door a couple days later saying he was leaving because he just didn't "get" "it".

'I don't get it. I just…don't get it. It's just. Goodbye.'

'Yeah, well, you put in a solid year, Bella,' Roxy was saying to me in Forever 21, 'Most of us were betting it wouldn't last that long. Not because of you, God no, but him. Like, anyone who's that protective of their own beauty just has issues. You know? Was it like that?'

'No. Seriously, he could be really sweet. And I really did love him. I still do, but it's been enough time that I'm not going to go chasing after him. Even if I knew where he was I wouldn't. There was just a problem with compatibility.'

'He's gay, isn't he?'

That made me laugh. I was commonly thought of as Edward Cullen's Fag Hag, no matter how many times we made passionate displays of kissing in the halls.

'He's not gay.'

'So what was the deal?'

'He was just sort of immature.'

That was the best way I could put it because it wasn't a lie. I was eighteen, older than him by four months if you're going to count his age in human years, which I do. If I were a biochemist or a neurologist, I would be fascinated by the arrested development of his brain. It took me a few months to figure out, but basically he just stopped growing. His DNA just got frozen in a "make my cells like this and this only" pattern- he'd never had cancer, grey hair, weight fluctuation, nothing.

I mean, I'm simplifying things, and I really doubt scientific methods could do much to answer questions about vampire biology, but my point is that his brain stopped developing at 18, before his prefrontal cortex (is that what it is? I really can't remember, I did all this research on it at the time) had materialized. That part of the brain, I think, frontal lobe? Is that right? Anyways, that part of the brain reconciles emotions and rationality. That's why teenagers make bad decisions pretty much, or can't understand what a good decision might be. Sure, it has its plus sides, but in the case of my fanged lover, it hurt me a lot.

After he left I was so heartbroken. I went to the boardwalk (Forks may be a shithole but at least it has a boardwalk) with my friend Joni, and I wanted to tell her so bad about everything, but I guess I'll always keep quiet about what he is. That really made me sad at the time, but actually it turned out great, just to be able to talk to my friends about him like he was a normal guy, to prove the point I'd tried to make to him a little more. I'd been so absorbed in him that I really didn't hang out with the girls much. Things like that made me see that maybe him leaving wasn't such a bad thing, and eventually convinced me that it was all for the best. And who knows? Maybe he was in the Himalayas, looking for a cure.

'So, what was he even going to study? Like, in college?' Roxy asked me when we went to Sbarro in the food court.

'He wasn't really thinking about that. He had a lot of shit to figure out. But I think I'm finally ready to stop talking about him.'

'Oh, no problem. I mean yeah, that's a good sign. So…change of topic…oh! Have you made up your mind any more about what you want to do?'

'I'm really thinking of sociology. And I'm pretty sure I'll go out of state. This weather's just not for me. I could even go back to New Mexico because since my mom lives there I can claim state residence.'

So, Edward left at the start of senior year. I don't think it was his intention but it was good timing, because if you're gonna have a boyfriend in senior year you always have to think about your future with them in it. I think it kind of confused my dad, because I was going full steam ahead on college apps and planning for my future and everything, and balancing that with getting over Edward (which I have to say, I think I did a pretty good job of) but I would still wake up screaming in the night because of my nightmares. I don't really want to describe them because even thinking about them really makes me sick to my stomach, they're that potent…just rest assured that if you're the girlfriend (or ex, as the case may be, Edward being too sensitive to bring himself to say the words "I'm breaking up with you") of a vampire, you're gonna have nightmares.

I was drinking coffee with my dad one morning when we'd both gotten up early enough to do so. It was wintertime. We were each wearing one of his flannel shirts and shivering, draining our cups to get the heat as much as possible. He had to make another half-pot.

'I'm gonna pee like crazy after first period,' I said.

He kind of flinched, but then realized it wasn't so bad, I was talking about my morning classes and not something to do with female biology. Occasionally he would bring dates home but he just wasn't too good with women so I tended to downplay my femininity around him. Edward was a breath of fresh hundred-year-old-vampire air, being effeminate as he was.

What the hell, I thought, I might as well talk to my dad.

'Charlie,' I said, because I call him Charlie, 'you know Edward? Edward Cullen?'

He gulped his coffee and raised his eyebrows and said, surprised, 'Yeah…yeah?'

'Well, I think he had some deep-seated racist ideas.'

'Okay. Like what?'

'He'd just make comments sometimes, or tense up when black people walked by.'

'He was from Chicago originally, right?'

'Yeah.' Chicago a hundred years ago.

'It's not too surprising to me, then.' Me too. 'Bella,' Charlie said, leaning in and putting his elbows on the table, his earring glinting, his moustache bristly, his mullet a little greasy, 'that guy wasn't much good for you, I don't think. What you need's a…a guy. Not a girl.'

'So, because he was effeminate?'

'That's right.'

'What's the difference between being effeminate and being feminine?'

'Well, if I had to try and answer that question, I'd say that the closest a guy can ever get to being feminine is being effeminate.'

'You might be right. Because all of that stuff about "getting in touch with your feminine side", that just produced guys who know women better so that they can be more effective sexual predators. So is it possible for a man to have positive womanly qualities and still be a man?'

Charlie was shaking his head. 'Far as I can tell,' he said, 'nope.'

We both just sat there then. It was the deepest conversation we'd had in a while. Ever since Edward came into my life, actually. My bus came and I kissed my old man on his sandpaper cheek. He looked like he was about to say something else but I had to go.

I got off the bus and Jacob Black was standing there. We'd hung out a couple times over the summer and he was pretty cool, but young. Like 16, I think?

'Hey bud, whatcha doing?' I asked him.

'Bella, I noticed you're not driving that two-ton piece-of-shit truck.'

'What of it?'

'Is it messed up?'

'Yeah, the transmission's shot. Walk with me, some people actually go to school.'

'So when you gonna fix it?'

'I don't know. So what, is that what you came here to ask me? What the deal is with my truck?' I laughed and tucked some hair behind my ear.

'Yeah.'

I looked at him, my hand still on my ear. 'Oh, well. That's sweet of you.' I kind of furrowed my eyebrows, because it's a little weird, coming all the way to someone's school just to express concern over your lumbering two-tone (if rust is a tone) scrapmobile.

Then he laughed a little bit. 'No, Bella. I want to fix it.'

'Oh!'

'It's old, right? So if I killed it, it wouldn't be like the worst tragedy in the world.'

'Oh God no, Jacob, please assassinate my truck.'

He smiled. 'So you'll let me?'

'Yes! Of course. That's so nice of you. I mean, I'll find some way to-'

'Payment? Don't even think about it. Come on. I'm doing this for the experience. You'll have to shell out a little for the parts but I'll be getting them from Tony on the dirt cheap on account of he's engaged to my cousin, so it'd run a hell of a lot cheaper than any town mechanic.'

'You don't have to run a pitch by me, Jacob, I'm definitely sold. This'll be fantastic! Thank you so much!'

I threw my arms around his neck. His long black hair was all coconutty, nothing like I imagined it to smell. And then there was his smell. Which was nice, just to be clear.

I brought my truck around after school. I saw one of his brothers take off for a jog in the woods. Jacob was sitting on a stump in a flannel shirt, his arms on his knees, just hanging out. Didn't even have a book or anything. It was the second time he'd been somewhere waiting exclusively for me that day. I admit I liked the feeling. Kind of reminded me of when I first met Edward, except Edward just appeared as soon as you thought about him. Jacob you could count on to be where he says he's gonna be.

He started working on it and I was just hanging out with him, talking and joking. We were talking about how both of us really didn't like Anne Hathaway, how there's something about her that just looks really cruel, but that that's kind of cruel to say because you wouldn't say it to her face and it's not really her fault, I guess.

Then I saw his friends Jackie and Red come through the woods. They made it really awkward, you know, the kind of younger boys that make insinuations when a friend of theirs has anything to do with a girl. Jacob and Red started tussling and I was kind of wishing then that I could go home, when I realized it was twilight. I'd been here for a good few hours, came pretty much right from school, and we'd talked the whole time. I couldn't even hold a conversation with Edward for that long. Could I have?

But with Edward, the stuff he had to say was potent. Unless he was arguing, which wasn't his longsuit, every time he had something to say he would really say it. And twilight was great because it wasn't too uncomfortable for him to go out in the open. He said the moon always would sting a little bit but nowhere near as much as the sun, which could kill a vampire in about an hour of exposure. I always kind of liked walking him in the twilight because it was like I could feel his pain diminishing. Like a tangible impact of my effect on him. I'd hold his hand and let him feel the warmth of my blood and let him just be comforted by it rather than make him violently thirsty. I liked to remind him what alive felt like. Just keep proving my point then, don't I? He is, first and foremost, a regular guy.

I got back down to earth. Jackie got out a glass pipe and Red produced a bag of grass.

'Yeah, and Bella can hang with us and smoke, it'll be chill,' Jackie said.

'Guys, I really don't go for that shit,' I said, crossing my arms. I mean, it just makes me uncomfortable, and I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

'That's cool, babe, whatever. We don't care if you're straight-edge. Jake? You gonna join us?'

He looked at me. 'You want me to drive you home?' he said.

'I was gonna call Charlie but if you don't mind giving me a ride that'd be great.'

'Go into the forest,' he told them, 'before you light up.'

'You gonna meet us later?'

'Don't count on it,' he said. They took it to mean that he was taking me home so that I'd fuck his brains out and as soon as I'd sort-of turned away they started making lewd gestures.

But his intentions were a lot more noble than that. I knew right away that he was interested in me. Oh, and I found out that he's actually seventeen, so that makes it better. But yeah, he was really sweet. We were talking about Daniel Craig playing James Bond and how neither of us had seen the latest one yet, so he casually suggested that we see it together. I had no problem with agreeing to that.

The thing with Edward, listening to The Smashing Pumpkins' "1979" on Jacob's radio- such a good song for like, a montage of figuring anything out, I think it was used in "Clerks II", which was kind of shitty, but all Kevin Smith movies are- the thing with Edward was his hundred years of issues. It wasn't his monstrosity, it was just that amount of time. Time decays things irreparably, and just because your life is indefinite doesn't mean you won't lose other things over time, other parts of yourself. Life isn't the only thing that makes up a life, if you know what I mean.

For now, there was me and Jacob. I liked hugging him goodbye and getting to smell him again. His warmth was really a new experience for me. Because I mean, I'm pretty cold, by human standards, bad circulation or something. It was nice to be warmed up, just for a second.

It went on for a while, you can probably picture it pretty well, you know. Young love and all of that. We didn't talk about Edward but he was mentioned a couple of times, and Jacob really didn't like him for hurting me like he did. I tried to explain that really I was okay, I could hold my own, but I could appreciate the implication that at least he would have the guts to make sacrifices for me rather than just gripe about how hard everything was on him.

He cut his hair, which was kind of shocking, but cool- even though there was less of it to smell- because long hair on a guy is like, just okay at the best of times. It made kissing him different. I liked it because it really reminded me how masculine he was. Just naturally. He kind of exuded, if that doesn't sound too weird, masculinity. Then he got a tattoo on his upper arm, which was like a tribal thing. Turned out it went a little deeper than that, but yeah, definitely hot. And um, I mean, I don't want to say too much, but…he wasn't circumcised. Maybe it made a difference, or maybe he was just a really good lover. Whichever it was, he pleasured me just as much as Edward could, in a totally different way. That surprised me, considering Edward's supernature (hah, that's the noun of "supernatural", me and Edward made that up one time in AP US History, still makes me laugh).

Then, I wasn't surprised any more, because Jacob had plenty of his own supernature. We were walking in the woods (Forks is kind of cool that way, because you get so much exercise. And what else is there to do, you know? You can't do that at all in New Mexico, you can't just go out into the desert. You'll die. What's more, it's boring. I mean, some people think it's all starkly beautiful and everything, but I just think it's boring. Edward was one of those people, I think he's the one that put the words "starkly beautiful" together in my mind. We'd planned to take a trip out there sometime to visit my mom and hang out in the desert at night) whoo that's a big aside. I'll start over. So we were walking in the woods, and there were totally guys following us. It was creepy as hell. I mean, really like "Deliverance". So they eventually hooked up with us and Jacob was just like 'C'mon, let's go' but we turned around and another one of them was there and as soon as he took out his gun- the other one had a knife, Jacob disappeared and the biggest fucking wolf in the world started attacking the guys. He didn't kill them, and he came back down to the river where I was when they'd run away.

I said 'Seriously? A werewolf? You're such a bastard. Like, when were you going to tell me?'

The wolf smiled- first time I'd ever seen that- and I forgot who this beast was. I remembered pretty quickly, especially when he changed back and was standing there totally sweaty and naked. We tore off my clothes (well not actually literally, but pretty close) and had some very amazing sex.

I was going around in my bathrobe. I was headed downstairs to make some tea. Jacob was still asleep in my bed and it was still a while before my dad would be home. I looked outside. Twilight. A little orange glint of the little orange sun on a slick-as-shit-thru-a-goose silver Audi.

Vampires always drive fast cars. I used to get turned on by Edward's but now it strikes me as really kind of pathetic. Vampires don't have much of a sense of humor at all, and the fast cars make as obvious a statement as can be made: "I've been stuck in a midlife crisis since 1904."

But I was bitter because there was the possibility that it could be Edward coming back and I wasn't going to let him get away with doing what he did without telling him you just don't leave someone like that.

If it wasn't Edward, it was someone in his "family". I don't know why they stuck around together, it was pretty clear they all hated each other. And they called each other "brother" and "sister" and "mother" and "father". It was really off-putting. I hated going to Edward's house, but it seemed to mean a lot to him.. And since none of them slept, they never got over even the slightest altercation. They were experts at holding grudges. Vampires tend to feel a lot of entitlement. Probably because they're damned, but I wouldn't know.

I gotta admit, I was pretty glad to have dodged the whole bullet of being "changed". With Jacob, he could bite me and change me into a werewolf, but why would he? It wouldn't make a whole lot of sense, unless I really wanted him to, which I pretty much don't. He's okay with that. He might live a couple years longer just because he's in shape (hah, ironic way for a shapeshifter to be), but he's mortal, no worries. And he doesn't get a hard-on thinking about putting a spigot in my neck.

So yeah, I was bitter. I got off the last step and felt the familiar coldness.

'Hello Bella.'

I wanted to shout 'Jesus!' because I'd kind of forgotten how scary vampires can be, but I did my best to remain pleasant, and cool. 'Hey Alice, what's up?' Like it was no big thing.

There wasn't much she could say. I mean, technically, Edward was still my boyfriend, because he never had the balls to break up with me, and I could never get in contact with him. So really my hands were tied, I didn't feel guilty for anything. I did feel bad though, because I was a little bit interested in what Alice had to say about her "dearest brother".

Whatever it was she wouldn't tell me right away. She just urged me to come with her. I could tell her instinct was to say it was a matter of life or death, but that just wouldn't be too appropriate. I left a little note on the table addressed to "Jake and/or Charlie" and got my bag.

Alice wasn't in much of a talking mood when we hauled ass to the airport, or on the plane the whole way. I slept a lot, watched a couple movies. I don't know why Edward put up with those people, Alice and Emmet and Rosalie and Jasper and Esme and Carlysle. I always thought it was fucked up how there were equal numbers of males and females with them except for Edward. But he didn't live with them most of the time. I mean, he and Carlysle would always get into arguments, Carlsyle telling him solitude was one of the worst things for the brain.

Edward told me about that argument the night he'd had it. He'd related it petulantly, and recited a poem by Charles Baudelaire on the subject of defending the merits of solitude from people like that. I suggested that how could he damage his brain by wanting some time to himself if his brain was already stuck the way it is? That was the closest I ever got to telling him my undeveloped-frontal-lobe theory. He said maybe. But mainly, he said, the thing was, that Carlysle was creepy, that the whole gang were creepy, that he was just hanging out with fucking vampires. Carlysle refused to accept that there was something fundamentally wrong with being a vampire and that it just wasn't a viable life to lead.

It was times like that which seriously scared me. Really, I loved Edward so fucking much, and I always will. At that point my prefrontal cortex hadn't developed either, but even if it had I might've still kept my distance from him emotionally because I knew it would hurt worse than anything to not have him, to have our lives slip out of alignment with each other. To let him turn me into what he was even though we both knew it's so wrong. So I kind of took everything he said with a grain of salt. I didn't believe him fully whenever he told me how much I meant to him.

We zipped through the Italian countryside and I finally started admitting things to myself as Alice broke her silence and started telling me what was up. Edward was going to kill a human in public to provoke the wrath of the Volturi, the vampire order. They'd execute him right afterwards and then start going after all of the Cullens. I was the only one who could make Edward see reason.

'So who's he going to kill?'

'A Mafioso.'

A bad guy. Why? Why not some run-of-the-mill sonofabitch? I guess it made sense, because Edward was a good guy. But really? This is all kind of too moralistic. Something felt really weird as I sat back in the plush chair doing 90 on a windy little Italian road, thinking of things I'd say to Edward like 'You really think this'll impress me, babe?'

We got to the fountain where Alice said he'd be and my heart was pounding. I really didn't want him to die. And I didn't want to get caught in the crossfire of Mafia guys pumping the assassin full of lead. I got out of the car and didn't wait for her, just started looking around.

I started calling his name. 'Edward? Edward?'

It was a sunny day. I was looking in all the shady corners. The nooks and crannies and everywhere. All I could see was Alice, perched on the fountain lip in the shade, lighting a cigarette.

'I knew you'd care about him in the end, you stupid little bitch,' Alice said.

'What?'

'I made up that story. Volturi? Vampire order? That's such bullshit. We don't have any order. I'll tell you what we do have though: lawyers. Come on.'

She grabbed me by the arm and led me to a shady lane that got shadier and shadier. We went into a door and down a hall with lots of marble and gold and all that fancy shit. I didn't know what to think, what was going on, anything. It was all just too much to keep straight.

'Right this way, signore,' said a receptionist, and led us into an office.

Behind the desk was indeed a vampire lawyer. My surprise: absolute zero. His red eyes glinted and his hands were folded.

'Espressi, signore?'

Alice nodded and said 'Si, bene.'

He made some motions and we were served little espressos. I couldn't even think of drinking it. I knew what was going to be said. I just didn't know how. The lawyer ordered the receptionist to get lost and the pit in my stomach made itself known emotionally. I couldn't hold back tears, nor did I really want to.

'Tell me how it happened,' I said.

Alice translated. The fucker behind the desk was relating the story with humor, and Alice told me the essentials. She was always terse. Also, there were visual aids to the story. Pages from Edward's notebook, scrawled on in dark draughtsman's pencil. He liked to draw me with those kinds of pencils. We always laughed together at what a bad artist he was. Vampires should be good at everything. That was a sentiment we both should have looked at closer.

Bella, the first page read, this is the country for you. I should've taken you here. You know what your name means here. We should've gone to the desert together. Oh Bella. I'm doing this wrong. I'm writing this wrong. Bella. Please. I don't know what to write to you right now.

He made several attempts at writing or drawing something at that point, but it was incomprehensible. He was lying naked in a wheat field at the time, the sun full and high. At that rate, probably 30-35 minutes until death.

Then the writing changed. BELLA. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU NEVER BELIEVED ME WHEN I TOLD YOU BELLA. IT'S TOO MUCH TO UNDERSTAND. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN TOO MUCH. I'M GONNA DIE RIGHT HERE BY THE SUN. IT'S REALLY PAINFUL THOUGH. DID YOU EVER KNOW HOW FUCKING PAINFUL IT WAS? IT DID. ID . FF… PA.. LOVE. I LOVE Y- the pencil broke off. There were teardrop stains. The page was torn.

At that moment, he stumbled over to a scarecrow and broke off a broom handle that was constituting the skeletal structure. He whittled it with his fangs and plunged it into his heart.

When his body was found 4 hours later, his skin was burned to a dark red. The farmers didn't even notice he was a vampire, just some guy at the morgue did, but was quickly paid off and handed over the remains, which were disposed of by complete cremation in the countryside, to the wicked howling of wild canines and boars.

I could feel what Edward was feeling while he wrote that note. I went through everything I was supposed to go through. I could have saved him and I had to live with that.

My tears didn't stop. Alice dragged me along to discuss legalities, because Edward's will stated that everything be left to me. But Alice wanted the money, all the other beneficiaries (the Cullens) being scattered to the winds, apparently. I didn't really care, they were all bastards and Edward should've never hung out with them. They were probably the ones that gave him the notion that it would be okay to kill himself.

'Fuck it,' I said, 'take all the money, Alice. You'd kill me for it anyways and I don't care. I'm going to lead a life and make an honest living for myself.'

Alice was a little stunned. I got up to leave but the lawyer stopped me. 'Scusi, scusi. Signora, pardoni.' He was handing me something. A thin paperbox. I took it and got out of there.

I read it on the planetrip back (Alice was at least considerate enough to buy me a roundtrip ticket). It was absolutely beautiful. It was Edward. In the words I read he was there with me and our love was still alive.

It was a novella. It started the day he'd been bitten and sodomized by a malevolent Old World vampire blowing through Chicago, a real life Dracula looking for kicks. The sexual assault really fucked Edward up, and it was a long while before he had sex with a woman for the first time. She was a prostitute and he almost killed her. After that he stuck with female vampires for sexual company, but only a total of 3 in all his life, the third of which was a one-night stand.

For food he always tried to prey on the wicked. That didn't turn out well for him though. Too much responsibility to be the judge, jury, executioner and blood cocktail sipper. "Big angry bloodlust" got in the way too many times and he'd kill a kid or a woman and then contemplate suicide. There was a lot of that.

It continued like that until the mid-eighties when he met Carlysle who was starting this new colony of vampires who drink synthetic blood. Carlysle had hundreds of years' experience perfecting it, and even though it still required a few bodies' worth of blood for each batch, it was much more humane, used conservative cloning techniques. Edward always told me just not to think about it when I asked him who he kills to get his food, and that worked surprisingly well (and don't get fucking sanctimonious; people are always going to be apathetic about other people dying. That's why I always tried to get it through Edward's head that people and vampires are really not much different at all).

But most of the book was about me. I cried my Goddamn eyes out on that plane. I can't even start to describe what he said about me. Now I can always remember. I can always remember who I really was to him.

The one good part: I didn't consider killing myself too even once. Guess I can't explain that either.

Jacob was really angry at me for leaving. And of course he was super threatened, now that Edward was dead so he would never be able to live up. It wasn't true, and I tried convincing him, but I was really too shaken to convince anyone of anything.

With one arm, suddenly hairy, Jacob knocked off my lamp and hoisted open my window. Then he bounded off into the rain on all fours into the woods.

I wasn't going to give up on Jacob. I did like him, and I did see a future for us.

But…oh my God. Oh, my God.

The tears were coming again and after a few hours of that, I started dialing a New Mexico number.

'Hello?'

'Mom?'

'Bella! What's up? You're crying. What's up? Boys. Right?'

'Mom…Jacob's a werewolf…and Edward was a…a vampire.'

'Bella, sweetie. All men are either vampires or werewolves. Or creatures from the black lagoon. Or zombies. Or mummies. Okay?'

It was okay.

'Love you, mom.'