Title: Costume Party
Summary: The World Wrestling Federation meets Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. Yes - be afraid.
Notes: This was inspired at about one in the morning when I probably should have been doing geometry homework, but eh. For those of you who've never seen SG:CtC, it's a very funny cartoon airing on Sunday and Thursday nights on the Cartoon Network. Basically, it's a 60s cartoon hero recycled with a talk show with real guests. The jokes are great and often have layers of depth, the interaction between the characters is hilarious, and the animation is horrible. Yes, it practically is a less-crude version of Beavis & Butthead.
General Show Tidbits: (beat) is just a point at which the characters do and say nothing, just sit and stare. I use that fairly often. Space Ghost is the host, naturally. Zorak is the preying mantis/arch-nemesis who plays the keyboard at the side. Moltar is the guy who works the control booth. Oh, and there's mentioning of "Linda" in the fic. That's Moltar's wife for anyone who's interested . . . I watch too many cartoons.
One more note: There's a special little hidden tribute to Christian in here. It's a one-liner, taken from one of his commentary moments. A gold star to whoever finds it. And no, it's not in the Edge/Christian segment, either.
******
(Backstage at the Space Ghost studio)
Space Ghost: (looking over his shoulder) Does this costume make my butt look big?
Zorak: Yes.
(SG glares)
Zorak: What? You asked.
Moltar: Don't pay any attention to him. We have female guests tonight.
SG: (holding two nearly identical yellow capes) Which one makes my butt look smaller?
Moltar: Sorry, can't answer. We're on.
SG: No, wait - -!
(Opening credits)
(Space Ghost invisos onto the set, shocked expression on his face. Looks at one cape, then tosses it aside.)
(Zorak coughs in the background)
SG: Greetings, viewers! Obviously, I'm a bit rattled, but small matter. (Nervous laugh)
Zorak: This is the part where we banter sarcastically for the benefit of the audience and producers.
SG: (Angrily) I know that! Er . . .
Zorak: Or, in stupid Space Ghost terms, 'I insult you, you insult me, we're as rude and rude can be .' Should I keep going?
(SG starts to raise his armband to blast Zorak)
(The Wayouts immediately start playing SG to his desk with a tune vaguely similar to Walkin' On Sunshine.)
SG: (fidgeting with his cape but stops as soon as he notices the camera on him.) Uh . . . (cough) And now a word from our sponsor!
Moltar: (in control booth) We still have another minute.
SG: . . . oh.
(Thirty seconds pass. The camera alternates from SG, who is slowly tapping a card against the desk, and Zorak, who's playing with a ball and paddle toy.)
SG: (sighs) This is gonna be a long show.
(Screen shows a rapid fire series of choppy images. Among these are scenes from CHiPs, classic wrestling footage, the Powerpuff Girls, The Honeymooners, and Renegade. Screen suddenly goes black, then to the commercials.)
SG: Welcome back. Our apologies for the earlier mishap. To make up for it, we have several very special guests joining us tonight in our all-wrestling Smash-n-Bash extravaganza.
Zorak: Is Ric Flair one of them?
SG: No.
Zorak: Why not?
SG: Because.
Zorak: Because why?
SG: Contract and monetary restraints.
Zorak: Is Cartoon Network anti-
SG: (interrupting) Anyway, to get the night started, please welcome fellow superhero, Shane "The Hurricane" Helms.
(Screen lowers with Hurricane's face)
SG: Greetings, fellow defender of justice!
Shane Helms: Hi.
SG: (confused) Where's your costume? You can't fight crime and evil-doers without a costume.
SH: I don't wear it outside the arena.
SG: But you're a superhero, aren't you?
SH: (laughs) Well, that's my gimmick, yeah.
SG: Gimmick. Protecting the universe from those who wish it harm is no mere 'gimmick', young valiant truth-seeker.
SH: No, no, wrestling gimmick. It's - it's the role I play on TV.
SG: Oh! So you have a secret identity then.
SH: You could say that.
SG: Gotcha. (Gives an exaggerated wink)
Zorak: Not that you'd know anything about that, Tad Ghostal.
SG: Tad Ghostal? Who's that?
(Zorak rolls his eyes)
SG: You know, Superman had a secret identity, too. Do you rely on phone booths to keep your secret?
SH: Nope.
Zorak: Do you know Ric Flair?
SH: We've talked a few times before and he's . . . he's a real nice guy.
Zorak: Why isn't he on the show tonight?
SH: I dunno. You'd, uh, have to ask him yourself.
SG: You seem nervous. Do I intimidate you?
SH: (laughs) Of course not. You're not that scary for a ghost.
SG: I'm not that kind of ghost.
SH: Then why'd you pick that name?
SG: Hey, I'll ask the questions around here.
Zorak: Yeah - why *did* you pick that name?
SG: Stop asking questions! Do you see this mug? Do you? (Holds up empty coffee mug with Space Ghost logo on it) It says 'Space Ghost: Coast to Coast' - meaning Space Ghost, I, am the host. Host asks questions. Guest answers.
Zorak: Host forget English talk.
SH: So if you're not supposed to be a scary ghost, why'd you pick that name? I mean, you don't, uh, fly around scaring li'l kids, do you?
Zorak: (in background) There *was* that time he got confused and entered the Miss Galaxy competition. It was fine up to the swimsuit part. I don't know about the children, but that caused serious emotional scarring for the rest of us.
SG: (ignoring Zorak) Alright then, what kind of a name is 'The Hurricane'? Do you cause hundred mile-per-hour winds or floods or power outages? Does the entire east coast tremble in fear at the very mention of your name?
SH: Uh . . . well, uh, no, but -
SG: Do you get constant updates on the Weather Channel? Is Al Roker your friend?
SH: No- -
SG: Didn't think so. Boo! (Blasts SH off the monitor)
Zorak: Excuse me.
SG: That was fairly horrible.
Zorak: Over here.
SG: Who's next? (Looks down at cards)
Zorak: Hey!
SG: (annoyed) What?
Zorak: Where'd you get that logo mug?
SG: I'm the host. I get special things like this.
Zorak: I get loyal followers who'll help me take over the world some day, but at least you'll still have your stupid coffee mug.
SG: Yes, but it has *my* picture on it! Moving on . . . maybe our next guest will take pride in their superhero status. (Looks expectantly to blank guest screen) . . . or not.
Moltar: (in control booth with the Hardyz and Lita) - - so then Linda made me take the TV back 'cause she said our card's almost maxed out. Can you believe that? It's like she doesn't even consider my feelings anymore! (Sobbing as Lita pats him comfortingly on the arm)
SG: Moltar! Stop crying on our guests!
Moltar: (sniffling) Hey, thanks for listening, guys.
Lita: No problem.
(The trio appears on SG's screen. Lita is sitting between Jeff and Matt. SG adjusts his cape)
SG: Hello, citizens! Are you getting enough oxygen?
Jeff: We're fine, thanks.
SG: What are your secret codenames?
Matt: The Hardyz.
SG: (beat) As in your last name?
Jeff: Yeah.
SG: . . . that's not very secretive.
Matt: It's with a z, though.
SG: Is that supposed to make it scary?
Jeff: We don't really try to be scary or secretive.
SG: But you do have secret identities, right?
Matt: Uh, no, not really.
SG: (huffs) Well, what kind of superheroes are you?
Lita: We're not, but I *do* find superheroes very attractive.
SG: (raising an eyebrow and stopping his hand, already near the cape) Really. You know, I've been a superhero for quite some time.
Lita: I like Batman.
SG: (brow creasing) He's overrated.
Lita: I don't know . . .
SG: The only reason they flash the bat signal instead of a message is because he can't read.
Lita: That's not true!
SG: I have it on good authority, miss. I, on the other hand, am a very good reader. I was spelling bee champ in second grade! Batman can't even *spell* second grade!
Zorak: You're just bitter 'cause he has a butler.
SG: I could have a butler if I wanted one!
Zorak: Whatever. Do any of you know Ric Flair?
SG: Don't answer that. You'll only encourage him.
Zorak: Inquiring mind . . .
SG: Stop harassing my guests!
(Zorak starts humming the old Batman theme song)
SG: (raising arm laser) I'm warning you . . .
Zorak: (finishing song) Batman!
(SG blasts Zorak)
Zorak: Whoo!
(SG blasts Zorak again)
Zorak: Whoo!
(SG blasts Zorak yet again, making him rock back and forth)
Zorak: Whoo!
(SG blasts Zorak one more time, finally turning him black and crispy and making him fall over.)
Moltar: Great! Now you've done it. You killed him, and no one around here knows how to play a keyboard. Thanks, Space Ghost. You just ruined the show.
SG: (holding hand to forehead, squinting just above camera) Quiet in the cheap seats! (Looks over to see Zorak's feet still sticking up over the top of the booth, then smiles nervously.) Don't worry, kids, he's just playing.
Matt: Is he still alive?
SG: Of course! And if not, I'm sure I can find another insane intergalactic dictator preying mantis.
Jeff: Those, uh, sound pretty hard to come by.
SG: Oh, they're not, trust me. I even get a discount 'cause I'm a superhero.
Jeff: Have you, um, ever actually had to go buy a replacement mantis?
SG: (beat) Well, no, but I'm pretty sure I could find a new one. And I *know* I'd get a discount because of the planetary defender shtick. (Smiles at Lita)
Lita: Batman wouldn't kill his sidekick.
SG: The stories Robin could tell . . . anyway, tell us about yourselves.
Jeff: Well, um . . . me an' Matt are brothers.
SG: (disinterested) Uh huh.
Matt: We're from North Carolina.
SG: Go on.
Matt: We've been in the business for years, and - -
SG: Uh huh, that's great. Say, Lita - are you busy Friday night?
Lita: (laughs) Yeah. I'm busy pretty much every night.
SG: (downfallen) Oh. You know, I get the impression you don't like me very much.
Lita: I, uh, try not to date heroes. Those relationships never work out.
SG: Sure they do!
Lita: Name one.
SG: Louis and Clark! Peter Parker and Mary Jane! Um . . .
Lita: Batman and Catwoman.
SG: They don't count.
Lita: Why not?
SG: Because I said so.
Lita: Why?
SG: Because I'm the host! And you're the former guest!
(Blasts Team X-Treme off the monitor)
SG: (under his breath) No one needs to work under these conditions. (Looking to Zorak's booth) Zorak! Are you alive yet? (Silence) Uh . . . Zorak? (Flies to the booth and looks down) . . .oh dear.
(Commercials)
(After the break, we see SG behind the booth and hear various noises - hammer, metal clanging, etc.)
Moltar: Space Ghost!
SG: Not now. I'm busy.
Moltar: Yes, now, dude. We're on the air.
SG: (head popping up over the keyboard) Right now?
Moltar: Yeah. Five seconds ago.
SG: (with chainsaw in hands) You mean I don't even have time for this?
Moltar: No.
SG: (disappointed) Aww . . . (tosses chainsaw aside) It's alive! Aliiiive!
Moltar: Dude -
SG: Alright, alright. (Flies to desk. Once seated, has a satisfied look on his face. Looks down at cards, then to the guest screen at the right to see Edge and Christian.) Um . . . hello. Moltar, when did Trish Stratus grow a beard?
Moltar: She couldn't make it so we had to find replacements.
SG: Ah. And they would be . . .
Edge: Edge and Christian at your service, Mr. Space Ghost sir.
SG: Finally! Someone who respects the host-guest relationship! Do you have enough oxygen?
Christian: I think so. Our heads haven't, like, exploded or anything yet.
SG: Do either of you like inventing things?
Christian: I made a really weird skateboard once when I was fifteen.
SG: Would you like to see my latest creation? (Not waiting for an answer, he claps twice and Zorak walks out in a French maid costume and a tray loaded with drinks.)
Zorak: (in stilted, mechanical voice) Yes, Space Ghost, king of all defenders?
SG: (chuckling under breath) And he said I didn't have a butler.
Moltar: I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure this goes against every possible moral and ethical rule the network - hey, is that Wild Cherry Kool-Aid?
SG: Sure is!
Moltar: Sweet.
SG: (turning to monitor) Oh. You're still here. Um . . . are you defenders of justice?
Edge: Only on Wednesdays.
SG: Why then?
Edge: (laughs) I don't know.
SG: (beat) What are your superpowers?
Christian: I snore really loudly.
Edge: I can eat my weight in mashed potatoes.
SG: I save entire galaxies.
(Edge and Christian stare back blankly)
SG: Mmm. Lita wasn't impressed, either. (Looks down at cards) I haven't watched the show lately - you just can't imagine the monthly rate for intergalactic cable these days - but I thought you two weren't a team anymore.
Christian: On the show we're not. In reality, we're still friends.
SG: (suspiciously) This is another one of those secret identity things, isn't it?
Edge: Yeah. If we told you the truth we'd have to kill you.
SG: There's no need for violence, young man. (Turns to thwap Zorak in the head, who's been behind him unloading glass after glass of drinks on SG's desk.) That's enough, Jeeves. So tell me - do you both also act in shampoo commercials?
Edge: Huh uh.
Christian: We probably could, though. I've never really thought about it.
SG: (turns to Zorak) I said that's enough, Jeeves. (Looks back at monitor) Moltar says you've prepared a song for us.
Christian: Yeah. See, uh . . . we're big fans of the show and we get bored sometimes on long flights, so a while ago we, uh, wrote a song for the show.
SG: Moltar! We have fans!
Moltar: I hope Linda's taping this at home as evidence.
(Camera focuses on Edge and Christian. Christian whips out a kazoo while Edge digs a sheet of paper from his pocket.)
Edge: (singing) He's a ghost, doesn't boast, he's the host with the most, he's Space Ghost! Not Casper, Ghost Dad, or Patrick Swayze, he's Space Ghost! The Wayouts back him up, he cracks silly, goofy jokes, heeeeeeee's Space Ghost!
SG: (blinks, taps cards on the desk) You didn't quit your jobs to become famous musicians, did you?
(Camera pans out to show SG's desk completely covered with different glasses)
SG: Jeeves, don't you know what 'enough' means?
Zorak: (in same mechanical voice) Would you like more tea, Master?
SG: (beat) Let's do a little word association.
Edge: Sure.
Christian: 'kay.
SG: Bird.
Christian: Feathers.
Edge: Wings.
SG: (glancing oddly to Zorak, who's making strange noises and rocking back and forth, thin trails of smoke spiraling out of his eyes) Uh . . . cat.
Christian: Furry.
Edge: Litter box.
(Christian stares at Edge but says nothing)
SG: Issues.
Christian: Edge.
Edge: Christian.
Moltar: Uh, Space Ghost? I think Jeeves is malfunctioning. You kept the receipt, right?
SG: Not exactly. Hmm . . . (watching Zorak from the corner of his eye) Green.
Christian: Grass.
Edge: Emerald jewels.
SG: Show-off.
(Edge and Christian point to each other)
SG: That wasn't part of the game.
Christian: Monopoly.
Edge: Scattergories!
SG: Stop that! You're messing up the game!
Christian: Candyland.
Edge: Parcheesi.
SG: (sighs heavily, then yelps when Zorak sneaks up behind him, speaking in what seems to be tongues) If this doesn't get us canceled . . .
Christian: X-Files.
Edge: Nitro.
SG: Anyway . . . movies.
Christian: Karate Kid.
Edge: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
SG: Comics.
Christian: Garfield.
Edge: Foxtrot.
SG: Superheroes! (Straightening slightly in his chair)
Christian: Superman.
Edge: Batman.
(Zorak spins around suddenly, eyes bulging)
Zorak: Batman? Batman! Batman! (Starts running around the studio)
SG: Gah! Look what you did!
Edge: Whoa, he's, like, goin' nuts or something.
SG: It's, like, so totally uncool, you can't even imagine it. Moltar! Help!
(Camera shows Moltar in control booth, feet propped up in front of the monitor. On the other television, he's watching an old episode of Highlander: The Series.)
Moltar: Heh. Dude, you're gonna get your head cut off.
Zorak: (tying SG to his chair) You can be Catwoman! We'll have lots of fun! We'll fight crime and evil!
SG: Moltar! Save me! My own invention has come back to steal my soul!
Christian: Happens every time, y'know.
Moltar: (moving enough to grab another handful of chips from the bag. Catches a glimpse of the studio monitor and immediately leans forward.) Uh oh.
SG: Moltar, call for help! Ca-ugh! (Cut off as Zorak stuffs a bandana in his mouth.) Call the S.W.A.T. team! Call the Orkin Man! Don't just sit there!
Moltar: You know, it could be *my* picture on the coffee mug.
SG: You wouldn't dare.
Moltar: I would. (Hits a button to change the monitor view to Edge and Christian) Hey, you guys like Highlander?
SG: (being wheeled out of camera view by an insane Zorak) This will *not* look good on next week's paycheck!
(Shot of the empty studio. We can faintly hear SG and Zorak arguing. Without seeing anything but the studio shot, we can hear what's going on in the control booth.)
Moltar: Hey, you guys want some chips? They're ruffled.
******
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. Space Ghost and the characters associated with him belong to Hanna-Barbara and the Cartoon Network. CHiPs, Renegade, Highlander: The Series, X-Files, WCW Nitro, Karate Kid, The Honeymooners, and the Powerpuff Girls belong to ... whoever made 'em. Garfield belongs to Jon Davis. Souls belong to Bill Gates. The wrestlers belong to themselves. Foxtrot belongs to ... whoever makes it. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was better with Shredder. That could be a band name. Better Shredder. Or maybe a new cheese grater name . . . Superman and Batman belong to DC Comics. I'm pretty sure Val Kilmer figures in there somewhere, too. Anyone/thing else I've forgotten to mention, please don't sue me. I'm a student. You won't get anything but unfinished homework.