A/N: Still not edited. Dunno where my beta-chan is. But I just saw some spelling mistakes, so I had to fix some…
Anyway, thanks for the reviews, everybody!
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Nowhere
It was supposed to be forgiven. Forgotten. It seemed to be all right as it never really happened after all, not in this life that was given back to us by some mishap of fortune. The faux massacre of the First District was seven years ago, but time only made it feel far worse than when the wound was still fresh. When we were still young and naïve, and thought that it was easier to forgive than to swim against the current. She didn't forgive me, and frankly, I didn't care. Not anymore.
In my comfortable, white, apartment complex on the forth floor looking over the busy streets, I hopped along the lacquered wooden floor into the tiny kitchenette, passing over a few dozens of pairs of rolled socks and eleven pairs of shoes loitered around the narrow corridor. My chestnut hair was tied up into a bun. I had only a large, white t-shirt on, exposing my long legs to the chilly, damp wind coming through the slid-up window in the western-style living room. My place was in disarray since I'd started packing my belongings a few days ago.
Bracing myself against the wall, I slapped the switch on and flung the fridge's door open. A glass of ice tea was the answer to everything. It washed away my thirst. It cooled my feverish mind. It drowned my sorrow. Only if life could be so simple like that.
-Mobile ringing-
I finished the drink fast, tiptoed and leaned over the kitchen counter to reach for my cell phone placed on the small table on the other side.
The digital words read 'Kuga Natsuki'. But it didn't stop me from answering it, even though I felt unready to receive the call. I always plunged in and fell into whatever trap ahead of me, that I just couldn't avoid it even if it was so plain to see. I always did that. Just for her.
"You called?"
That was the way Natsuki had been greeting me for the past year or so. She was always brisk and to-the-point, that I loved about her. But what I could never get used to was the tone she had grown accustomed in using with me now. It felt as though she only called back as an obligation—for an old time's sake. It was simply cold and so predictably cruel. As she stopped pretending, I found myself more and more vulnerable. She stopped pretending for me, for herself, for us. I couldn't find the mask I always wore anymore. We were just going to have to crumble in our own brutal honesty.
I nodded to myself, carelessly breathing over the receiver. At least, it was easier talking on the phone, because I didn't have to force a smile for her.
"Yes. But if you're busy, we can talk later."
"What is it?" Natsuki asked loudly against the heavy downpour. She must be somewhere along the street, leaning against her handsome bike. And I couldn't help imagining how the wet strands of her dark, long hair snaked around her slender neck and straight, athletic shoulders, making their ways down to her cleavage and veiling over her heart, where I could never have.
I slowly pushed myself off the counter and walked into the living room to resume my packing. I thoughtlessly picked at a few books from the shelf near the opened window, briefly peeking down at the people running for shelters below. Bored, I turned away from the sight and flung the books into one of the boxes.
"I just called to remind you about the dinner tomorrow night. The farewell party."
There wasn't even a pause, and I couldn't breathe to hear her respond so fast. Without thinking.
"Damn! I promised Yoshiro I'd lend him the bike tomorrow! How the hell am I going to get there? Where's the restaurant again? I hope it isn't that karaoke one Mai loved to hang out at."
My supervisor decided to transfer me to Dubai. At 25, this was a promising move for my career. I'd be my own supervisor in three-year time over at the new quarter the company had just set up. Starting with $75,000 a year with a definite, substantial rise each year was hard to refuse. I excelled in both management and sales, strictly punctual and most clients' favorite person to commute with. I always worked harder than getting paid for. I was an employee an employer could only dream of. I was everything Natsuki did not care.
Looking at the bright side, at least I had her truth now.
In less than two days, I'd be gone from her life, but all she could think about right now was the inconvenience of her boyfriend borrowing her motorbike and her revulsion for Karaoke.
If there was a positive viewpoint to console my fragile sentiment in her rant, I must have missed it. Completely.
"I'm sure there're taxis around or… or you could take the subway? I could try to talk Mai out of it, if you really don't want to go to that place."
I made a face as soon as I finished my words, disgusted at how pathetic I had become.
"You better do that. Jeez, it's raining cats and dogs! I'm stuck at B&B!"
"You still go to that mall, too?" I slapped myself to kill the smile that threatened to appear on my face.
"Yeah, Yoshiro is getting a new headphone. Somebody stole the one I bought for his birthday," she grunted.
"I didn't do that." My friendly-tone reply came, perhaps, too fast for her liking; she paused. "I really didn't," I repeated teasingly, but in secret paranoid.
"He's coming. I'll catch you tomorrow." With that, the line went dead.
Still pressing the phone to my ear, a small smile of wicked joy involuntarily surfaced out of the bottom of my bruised heart. Ever since Natsuki began dating the garage guy for almost a year now, she had grown a habit of rudely hanging up on me whenever the man appeared. I was happy just to feel like I was her secret lover, abused into hiding. But, in truth, there was no secret love affair to fantasize about, and I still felt abused all the same. I was an old affair she never wasted the time to look back.
Throughout six years after the carnival, we clung on to each other for strength and consolations on the surface, our own hidden quests to release our physical desire and emotional frustration underneath. Together, we discovered new things at every rise of the moon, half and full. It was beautiful at first, but then became banal, eventually appalling. The deeper we dug, the worse fear gripped us. We were bare. Defenseless. We were in the same bed, but felt like lying in our graves. She declared a thousand times over in forgiving my crime; I'd just blindly repeat it in my head, convincing myself that it was how she truly felt.
She'd mutter her love for a friend as she climbed atop my body and fucked me left and right. We were lovers at night, but friends again by morning. She never said it outright, but I instinctively sensed that she blamed it on my kindness. I blamed it on her sheer idiocy, her refusal to believe in what I felt. She claimed that love was just an illusion. I then told her that everything was, including the Natsuki I loved. She fell silent. I couldn't stand seeing the hurt look in her ingenuous gaze, but it was a payback I badly needed.
Just like everything else, the façade wore out as time passed by. I was getting tired of my colleagues hooking me up on blind dates since I always appeared single. She was becoming annoyed every time our friends giggled when we walked a tad too near each other, or if I hugged her in public. Forgiveness and consolations aside, it all just came down to what each of us really wanted. It turned out that we obviously wanted different things.
It fully fell apart a year and a half ago, as soon as Natsuki learned about my supervisor's proposal. She instantly took the opportunity to widen the distance between us to get used to not having me around. She still hung out with me the first few months, but I was allowed to touch her only when she felt like it—only when she couldn't help it. When Yoshiro came into the picture, the little privacy we had was entirely spent on his existence. She quitted dropping by my apartment altogether. We'd only see each other in public places and were never by ourselves. A couple of phone calls a week began to cover the period of a month. The fact was that she didn't seem to mind that we hadn't seen each other for eight months already.
Eight, long months…
"No… No…" I murmured as I picked some random stuff from the desk and tossed them into the bin, deciding that they'd be too much to fit in the limited numbers of boxes I had. A stained coffee cup, Natsuki's favorite, which I refused to wash since the last time she drank from it. A stopped watch, my graduation present from Reito, which I never bothered to have it fixed. An old address book that had many names written down, most of which I couldn't recall their faces. At last, I stopped pretending, throwing away all those times in utter carelessness. Thanks to Natsuki and our foolish games that had taught me many lessons.
Then I halted at a photo I had long buried in the thick Webster's dictionary.
About a year ago, I was doing an extensive research for my boss and took the work home, befriending the loneliness in Natsuki's absence. Sitting by the low table, I madly skimmed through the stacks of paper, typing up a report. It was almost dawn, and though exhausted, I couldn't bring myself to sleep. In fact, I hadn't slept for a week straight. My head was heavy, but I always appeared competent and arrived at work on time.
However, that night was different. My eyes were already closed. My forehead rested against the smooth, cool, oak surface. The string of sleepless nights was about to end.
-Mobile ringing-
I loved the conventional sound of phone ringing, and loaded it especially for my ring tone. I was always stuck in the past.
-Mobile ringing-
Eyes still closed, I fumbled for the mobile somewhere beside my right leg. Yawning, I answered the call.
'Fujino here.'
'Shi… Shizuru…?'
I immediately rubbed my face to shake the sleep off. 'Natsuki?'
'Gosh, I must have dialed wrong number. Sorry I woke you up. Go back to sleep, ok? Good night.'
Wide awake, I listened to the dead tone for the longest time, staring at the sun rising outside my window. My first chance to sleep in a week was interrupted by an unintended phone call from the person I wished to hear from the most. She couldn't tell how tired I was. She just wouldn't understand why I'd stay up for another week just to wait for an anticipated call from her. For whatever trivial business she wanted me to do, I'd be there, loyal and foolish as always.
I shot up to my unstable feet and stormed into the bedroom, collapsing on the bed and wishing that rage would put me to sleep forever. I'd rather be an angry spirit for eternity than a pathetic person for a lifetime. But my eyes wouldn't even blink. I kept staring at the ceiling, and soon my gaze roamed around the room, catching the picture frames I delicately arranged along the head of the bed. I sprung up to snatch those frames and hurled them all to the other side of the room. Glasses broke. My heart shattered. It sounded so familiar. It felt all the same.
Ten minutes later, I got up and went for a cold shower. After I dressed up for work, I started cleaning up the mess, getting rid of all those pictures but the one that had captured Natsuki and me sitting together on the lively, green grass. It was one of those lunch picnics on Sunday with our Fuuka friends. She had her usual, adorable expression of superficial anger on, accompanied by a deep blush. Her arm hanging casually around my neck, her elbow angled perfectly to lock me in her firm embrace. She wasn't going to let me go. I wasn't going anywhere. However, we lost track of each other on our way home.
I was three minutes later than scheduled to leave my home for the train, so I quickly stuffed the photo into a thick book I had no intention to remember what it was, hoping I'd never find it again. After that day, I stopped waiting. While I still kept my goodwill for Natsuki, I constantly reminded myself that she was locked away somewhere in those unread pages of memories.
Until today.
Staring at the photo in my hand, I studied the expression on Natsuki's face and realized that I'd adored it long enough to last a lifetime. Biting my lips, I tore it into pieces and chucked them into the bin along with some other useless belongings.
The task of packing continued to 4 P.M., and I was starving to death. Strangely, I hadn't felt hungry for a long time now. I stopped tasting, smelling and sensing. I ate only to keep my body working. I smelt in hope to catch an odor of death. I sensed only when the hallucination of my victims haunting me came into play.
But I was really hungry now. Looking around, I stood among the boxes. Most of them were full. I'd have to ship some of these back to my parents' house in Kyoto tomorrow, and the necessary but not urgent things like my favorite books, shoes and DVDs, to Dubai. I planned only to take a laptop and a suitcase to the airport. I liked it light and efficient when traveling.
Drumming my fingers on my stomach, I bit my lips a little. It looked like I could finish off the packing in just an hour or two. A small break couldn't hurt. Putting on a beige, furry jacket, I grabbed the key and purse, and stalked towards the door. Like a cheap, scary scene from a horror movie, I stopped at the sight of the soaked Natsuki coming through the doorway. My work must have been so overwhelming that I'd completely forgotten that she still hadn't returned my key.
"Where are you going?" she asked, looking at me from head to toe.
I realized then that I hadn't put on my pants just yet. Cautiously, I put the key and purse back on the kitchen counter, observing the streams of raindrops running down her pretty face.
She took a heavy step into my territory once again. "May I come in?"
"Your social grace is rusty as always. Sit wherever you can. Please."
I walked back to the bedroom and found a pair of jeans. When I came out again, dressed properly this time, she was still standing in the doorway, unmoving with the reluctant look on her face. A sarcastic remark from me must have been something new; she wasn't sure how to take it.
I squeezed my way through, avoiding any body contact with her. When I succeeded to stand in front of my apartment's door, I looked back and gestured for her to move away from the door so that I could shut it.
"I'm just going to grab some quick lunch. Do you want anything?"
She knitted her brows. "Lunch? At four?"
I stared at her familiar expression of a frown I could never shake it off my mind. Without another word, I shut the door in her face and left.
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Twenty minutes later, I came back to find her in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. Her sweater was hung over the door, water dripping from its hems onto my floor. Her wet hair messy from scrubbing, she had changed into my pajamas, an olive towel over her shoulder. Her favorite coffee cup, which I had thrown away earlier, now cleaned, was in her hand with brewing, hot, black coffee. The pieces of the photo of us from that picnic day were roughly patched together with tapes, lying on the counter and staring back at Natsuki. In her relaxed post, she had mercilessly painted the picture of the old day I had grown to detest.
Hanging my jacket over her drenched one, I walked up to the other side of the counter and put two bags of KFC on it.
"Would you get me some plates, please?"
"I can't believe you're eating junk food." She bent down to open the cupboard, where I used to keep the dishes.
"They're in the overhead cabinet behind you."
She turned to the one I directed and brought some to the counter. "This place is a mess." Oddly, I detected the understated unsatisfactory of the change in location in her tone. "How's the packing go?"
"Nothing I can't handle." I took a plate and a fork. "Thank you."
I knew she glanced up at me, but I kept my gaze on the food.
"I thought you were busy," I said. I just couldn't help it.
I took the first bite of the fried chicken. I loathed junk food, and KFC was the worst in the bunch for me. But after seeing her in the doorway, my appetite cried for the worst possible. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to spit it out in her face for daring to show up unannounced. For tearing my defense apart with her careless ways, her awkward glances clouding my doubts.
I quickly took a few more bites, fearing that my hunger might subside too quickly as it usually did.
Natsuki didn't respond to my query about her hanging at B&B with Yoshiro earlier this afternoon. It was ridiculous for her to suddenly act with courtesy now, considering how she brought up the subject of dating Yoshiro to me.
Over a phone conversation only three months after I told her about the possible plan to transfer to Dubai, the news came so casually like one of those occasions when she had gotten new lingerie. Her spoken tone suggested the equally unimportance in its context and the approach in breaking my heart. But it was the first time she sounded relieved in a while, that I could only congratulate her.
'Silly! It's not like I'm getting married.' That was the usual, her curt response out of embarrassment. And I was teetering between loving and hating her. The last thing I wanted was hope. The only thing that had kept me alive was hope.
Yoshiro was an agonizing test I first welcomed, thinking he was going to bring the ultimate answer to Natsuki and me. But time stole all those little moments we had as I found myself buried in work and she finally learning to enjoy life without me. I didn't expect her to be with him longer than a month. She never looked at him the way I looked at her. I didn't expect my transfer to go through. My boss didn't discuss about the proposal again, but surprised me with a notice six months ago. All was beyond my control, and I should have known.
"You're eating so fast. Want some tea?" Her words broke my trains of thought.
I shook my head, gobbling up the meat that felt so dry in my throat. "Have some," I mumbled, lightly motioned the box of food towards her.
She stared at the chicken for a second, and then gave a 'why not?' shrug. From the cupboard where she knew I kept her mayonnaise, she grabbed the half-full bottle out and squeezed the seasoning over a piece of chicken.
Before she could take a bite, I stated the obvious she had the habit to overlook. "It's expired, Natsuki."
There wasn't a moment of hesitation as if she didn't hear me. But, of course, I knew she did when her cold gaze came to fix upon me.
"I am, to you," she said, and then chewed some more.
Upon the disgustingly fraudulent accusation, I put down the fork and fumbled for a napkin to wipe my lips.
Snatching the tissue box near her, she handed it to me. "You're full?"
I looked the other way as my hungry stomach was crying for more. I only had a piece of chicken, but honestly lost all appetite. Trying to ignore the sordid air around us, I moved into the living room and began to tape up the full boxes. She followed me right away and helped me push down the top lid of a 47" x 47" box.
Mumbling a 'thank you', I kneed upon the lid, taping it and knotting it with a 3 mm. robe for easy handling and dragging. In silence, we taped and tied up four boxes in less than ten minutes. The living room was almost done. In a few minutes, the neighbor upstairs would come to collect the couch and the bed he decided to buy last week. Earning more money than I intended to, I told him that I'd give him the bookshelf for free. He merrily accepted the offer.
The neighbor came as scheduled, bringing a few friends to help him. The absence of the three large pieces of furniture gave my apartment the wider look unfamiliar to my eyes.
I approached the opened window and breathed a little deeper. After a box for the things in the bedroom and a box for the kitchen accessories, the packing would be completed.
Natsuki edged near me and lighted up a cigarette.
"No smoking in here, please," I said quietly. I used to allow her to do whatever she pleased in my place, but it wasn't the case now. I didn't want any of it anymore.
Natsuki gave me an amused look and lighted up the cigarette anyway. "What about that?" Exhaling the smoke out the window, she gestured at the full ashtray on the telephone table. I forgot to clean it up.
"Yumiko could, but I can't?" Natsuki turned away to face the scenery of the city instead. The gray sky was still raining heavily.
I paused. I never told anyone about Yumiko. We met at least twice a week for the past five months, but there was no point in telling my friends about a faceless fuck buddy. It was laughable to think that Natsuki had been spying on me all this time. For whatever reason she may have, I was too scared to ask—too exhausted to raise my hope up and waited for the moment she'd destroy it again.
I just stalked across the room to retrieve the ashtray and came back to give it to Natsuki. "Then use it," I said softly, and then retreated to take a shower.
After half an hour in the warm shower, I dressed up in a white sweater and a pair of denim inside the bathroom instead of running around naked in my apartment like I always did when Natsuki still visited me back then. I moved to the opened door of my bedroom and plugged in the hairdryer, keeping my gaze at the floor as I blew my hair.
On the other side of the room, Natsuki took liberty to help me pack the remaining belongings. She occasionally stopped to flip through some books and a few dusty photo albums, which I hadn't looked at for years. I didn't mind her touching my things. Those used to be hers as well. I didn't mind if she might have packed something, which I might want to leave behind. If she wasn't going to ask me to stay, I'd just love her to bury our memories into the box, seal it and sent it somewhere we both would never see it again.
"Thank you, Natsuki."
Unexpectedly, Natsuki caught my soft whisper amidst the hum from the hairdryer. She stopped and dared to look up at me in the eye for the first time in a long time. I was never the first to look away whenever our gazes locked, but I did now.
Unplugging the hairdryer, I put it on the floor, letting it cool down. I was painfully amused how it still tortured me to be in the same room with her and not being able to touch her. The only solution was to hurry up the packing so that we could get on with our lives—so that I'd have the excuse to drive her out of my sight.
I moved around the room and quickly collected everything. Thankfully, they all fitted into the box. Natsuki helped me taping it.
"It's all done," she said with a small, calm smile I'd rarely ever seen from her.
"All?" I looked over my shoulder and noted that the kitchen was empty. She must have packed all the kitchen accessories while I was in the long shower. I then had to smile for her effort. "You're so fast, Natsuki. Afraid I'd miss my plane?"
My reckless remark erased the smile on her face in an instant. And I felt terribly idiotic to feel guilty about it. After all of her heartless acts, she deserved much worse than an ex's mockery.
I had sworn that I'd never hurt her, but time changed everything. Time changed us. Time left us high and dry, wounded and unattended. I surprised myself by not apologizing to her, and she surprised me by moving towards me and tenderly taking my hands.
"I'm not going to the farewell party tomorrow."
I knew it. Shrugging in a mild manner, I sincerely smiled for her. Maybe it was better this way.
"Don't worry, hmm? It's a Friday night. I did expect that you might already have a plan."
Blushing slightly, she nodded as she tightened the grip on my hands. Automatically, I leaned in closer, breathing in the wonderful smell of her raven hair. It effortlessly wakened the serene feeling inside me, and I snickered in gratification. Although my curiosity was strong, I didn't want to ruin the moment with questions that could lead us into another fight. No matter what intention she had for coming here today, I could only hope for a peaceful goodbye between us. I couldn't have asked for more.
"Shizuru… Shizuru…" Her whisper came absentmindedly, but I didn't ask her why. I just kept listening to Natsuki's coarse voice I knew I'd miss so, as if this would be the last we'd ever hear from one another.
For a long moment, Natsuki clung to my shoulders, pressing her lithe body against mine. Resting her face against mine, we let our hearts beat slowly into the submission of the sun, humming our favorite songs in the midst of the brewing, fond memories. When the sky became as dark as our fading past, she gently broke away from me.
We gathered our purses and headed out for dinner. She was going to treat me a meal, and I got to choose whichever cuisine, even if the chef wouldn't have any mayonnaise stored in his kitchen. That was her promise.
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Throughout the meal, I was allowed to sit next to her. To my surprise, Natsuki wouldn't let go off my hand as we ate, and couldn't seem to wipe that smile off her face. She was truly pleased that I'd be gone. Casting all things I was feeling aside, I'd have left earlier if I knew it'd make her so happy. I'd have gone to the farthest border of the world if that could make her smile like this—even if I wouldn't be the one to see it. I would have—
"Do you think they might have mayo?"
My thinking process always staggered even at her most insignificant comments.
I listened to myself giggle for a little while, and shook my head. "Why did you let me choose Indian Hut?"
"You just had to pick Indian food!" she grunted in annoyance. And I couldn't be more jovial that she was still holding my hand even when her usual self started to come back.
"Ah, I thought it might be close to Arab food, no? I really have no idea. I have to get used to foreign food somehow, or I'd end up at McDonald's all the times."
"You should have done your research months ago. Only two or three days before leaving won't help."
"I forgot," I said simply, picking a meatball from the red curry.
It was a blatant lie, which I didn't care if Natsuki detected it. My life was a careful design, each step calculated to the end of the line. But when it came to Natsuki, nothing ever went as planned. I desired her when I should not. I loved her even more when she made me suffer. I killed when—
I decided to push the thought away and forced myself to enjoy the food I could barely swallow. No more could be said and done tonight. It was going to be the everlasting adieu; I wanted her to remember only the best part of us.
The meal finished half an hour later without mayo, something Natsuki rarely ever succeeded before. She paid for the meal, and I tipped the waiter handsomely for not staring at us, which might have caused Natsuki to take her hand off mine.
Natsuki led me to where her motorbike was parked across the street. Once again, it was just like the old time. I sat behind her, wrapping my arms around her slim waist without having to come up with an excuse. No words needed to be exchanged. No thought, nor fear. Tightly holding onto her, I looked up to the full moon and grinned widely, enjoying the chilly wind in my chestnut tresses.
But everything came in full circle, and we were like dogs chasing our tails. Natsuki astonished me by taking me to Fuuka Academy, where I hadn't visited for several years. She climbed over the fences and leapt to the other side. I followed. Giggling, we pretended we were students sneaking back into the campus after a night out.
"Sakomizu? Sakomizu, wasn't it?" I asked, unsure of the teacher's name. It had been a long time since I thought of the man.
"Yep, the guy with Afro hairdo!"
"Does he still teach here?"
Natsuki sighed. "Not anymore. He got sick last year and moved to Sendai to stay with his mom."
"I hope everything turns out okay for him."
"You don't even want to know what he got?"
"Should I be concerned?" I asked apathetically.
Natsuki paused, staring at me for a moment. I stared back, honestly believing that my indifference towards the teacher was nothing compared to Natsuki's towards me. I didn't suppose even one second that she had any right to accuse me even with just a fleeting look.
"Not tonight," Natsuki eventually said, and took my hand again. She even brought it up against her chest, looking at ease as she strode in the dark. Her usually fiery pace considerably slowed down to match with my idle one. I liked that she was right next to me, but it deprived me the opportunity to sneak a peek at her when she walked.
"I like it when you hugged me from behind," Natsuki mumbled.
The soft rays of yellow light from the streetlights along the path lent me the glimpse of Natsuki's blushing cheeks. It amused me that she had the guts to admit this openly. Chortling, I took a step back. But she rapidly pulled my hand and motioned me back to my previous spot.
"I like it more when you're next to me."
At her earnest admittance, I laughed. Natsuki would have grumpily looked away from my harmless mockery, but not tonight. She just stood motionlessly, quietly watching me. Her gaze lacked all things joyous as she said, "I like it the most when I can see the real you."
It was my turn to become still. I gulped down the tears before I'd make a fool out of myself. "It doesn't really matter now, does it?"
"But I want you to know—"
"I prefer not to know," I said with a tune louder than I intended to. Her kindness was too much to bear.
As much as I wanted to look at her, I could only turn the other way, unable to stand the sight of her when all the lonely nights she had left me with rushed back and hit me like a truck.
"Natsuki. Natsuki…" I muttered, chuckling. "It was always you, what you wanted—your need. And I gave it to you without a thought. I killed to give it all to you…" I tore my heart out the moment I revisited the most horrid nights of my life. I did it then just for her. I did it now.
I slapped my own forehead, letting out a sigh in frustration. "God, haven't we had enough after six years—"
"Five." Her correction came coldly.
My gaze shifted from the cement ground to her face, and I was startled to see the lost look in her eyes. Through all those times we spent together, I'd never seen her so helpless like this. Not even when she discovered the truth about her mother or when she learned about my obscene violation on her body—not even when I murdered for her sake.
"Five years, six months and seventeen days of our goddamn life, Shizuru. It ended when you said you considered to leave."
I froze at the revelation. She hardly ever gave the impression of remembering anything so detailed between us. She always refused to dine out with me on our supposed anniversaries, claiming how senseless a celebration was. Though I never objected her, I took it rather personally; the celebration wasn't pointless to her, I was.
Shaking my head, I released my hand from her grasp. "I believe that's a misconception, Natsuki. We never had a start."
Natsuki opened her mouth to protest, anger filling her eyes. But she was cut off with the ringing of her mobile. She clamped her mouth shut, glaring at me. It was obvious she was debating whether to pick up the phone or scold at me first. After a moment of hesitation, she chose the other, and I walked away, giving her the privacy she didn't seem to need as she stalked right behind me.
"I can't talk right now, Yoshiro… Yeah, you can have it tomorrow and everyday after that… I'm not being sarcastic—what… Whatever. I'm busy…! Not sure… I… I'm with her…" Natsuki suddenly sounded reluctant, and I walked faster. "That's it. I gotta go." With that, she slapped the mobile shut and scurried after me.
A silence. I didn't know what to say. I didn't trust myself to speak objectively if it involved Yoshiro. Natsuki was the one to break the silence as we walked past the school's garden.
"They take good care of the flowers," Natsuki casually remarked.
I was about to respond to her as my instinct typically dictated, but kept my mouth shut instead. I wouldn't give in this time. For a change, Natsuki seemed to know what was in my mind, and proceeded to enter the garden. I staggered in my track for a while, praying that my feet would lead me out of this hell.
"They are beautiful," I commented dryly on the flowers as I found myself in our Eden once more. Natsuki was the forbidden apple I shouldn't have tried. She poisoned me with innocence, bleeding passion from my stony heart. She made me lust after sin and forsake all salvation. I didn't need anything—anyone but her.
"He was upset that I'm with you," Natsuki began.
I closed my eyes in resignation. "Natsuki—"
"This is our last chance. There're things you need to hear."
"How's your job at the garage? All is well, I hope. Ah, I almost forgot…" I fished my mobile phone out of the pocket and looked for a name off my phonebook. "A friend of mine owns a huge auto repair store, and he's looking for newly graduated mechanics. I already recommended you, and he's expecting an informal call."
"You can run away now, but you'll end up crawling back here again." Her monotone words went through my left ear and out my right.
"He wants cheaper labor. But I think it might be good experience for you." I held the mobile to her to jot down the numbers.
Without looking, Natsuki whacked the mobile off my grip like it was an annoying bug. "Where is it? Where'd you like to go? I don't think Middle East is far enough. Nowhere, Shizuru. You're getting nowhere."
My body responded without any emotion. I bent down to retrieve the cell phone.
Turning a bit, Natsuki kicked it out of my reach. "You can try, but you know you'll always love me."
Love.
I straightened myself up, bending so close to her that I could almost pull her teeth out. "I'll be so far—far away from you! I've done well without you, and I'll do just fine! You've left a bad taste in my mouth, Natsuki. You fucked me over and over again. I hated because of you, and I hate you!"
Panting, I snatched the mobile off the ground, brushing the hair from my face. I wanted to laugh to veil the words I had just uttered, but it choked inside. All that managed to breed out of me was venom. Unstoppable. Just like how I slain those lives at the First District—how I ruthlessly murdered my supervisor's wife without caring to learn her name. That woman miraculously came back to life, but I didn't.
"I wish I saw it years before this. There's no vendetta to live by now, is there? Your mother never gave a damn. So what are you chasing now, Natsuki? What do you do all day at that cheap garage, hanging out with that retard? Does it make you feel good that you could abuse two people out their mind? You've graduated for over a year, but you've done nothing. You're nothing. No plan. No future. No love." I scoffed. "You can't even love—"
A hard swing of a fist landed right at my left cheek, effectively shutting me up. Registering the pain on my face, I remained quiet, trying to recall what I had said to deserve this.
"You think you're so smart, that you're only the one who got away with it. You don't know a goddamn thing!" Natsuki growled, her clenched fists trembling.
I spat out some blood, shaking my head in annoyance. I didn't want to hear anymore. I didn't even deserve a peaceful farewell I longed for.
"You think people couldn't pretend like you did—"
"Goodbye, Natsuki." I turned and walked away. She didn't follow, but her words did.
"Well, you're fucking right! I couldn't sleep after all that happened like you could. I don't even know how I did it, staying up all night next to you, disgusted by how fucking happy I was to watch you sleep away your murders!"
Murders.
It was the first time she explicitly used that word with me in such a scornful tone, with such callous content, which perfectly fitted my true nature. And it was the first time, when I turned to face her again, that I saw tears of cowardliness welling up her rebellious, green eyes.
"I can't forgive myself for ever wanting to forgive you, when I had no right to… Those people… You shame me, Shizuru. You have no fucking clue that it kills me to love someone like you…"
A murderer like me…
I bit my lips so hard I could taste my own blood. Keeping a good distance from her, I directed my gaze elsewhere. She learned to love because of me, but the knowledge I gave her triggered into hate. She'd never forgive my crime, and I knew I'd always crawl back to her. She couldn't pretend to forget, and I'd just beg to deepen her wound of guilt for my own sake. She'd break down with her honest heart, whilst I'd expertly conceal the crack under my mask. We'd try and fail. Again and again, we'd run in an endless circle of suffering with no way out.
Tears bathing her pale face, Natsuki took a firm step towards the row of lilies and then turned to look at me. In the dark, I felt the need to secrete deeper into the shadows. But there was nowhere to hide. She was going to punish me, and I wanted to scream.
Natsuki engulfed a lily in her fist. "You've kept me pure… so save me now, Shizuru. You owe me that much," she said, her voice slightly shaken.
I numbly stared at her. Wisdom had come with age, and if I knew it years ago, I probably wouldn't approach her that day. I'd just watch her struggle in a worthless vengeance, molding herself into someone I'd ignore. But I didn't; I jumped right in to pull her from the quicksand and drowned myself instead.
My knees grew weak, my heart weaker. Choked on a sob, I dropped to kneel on the ground, hands covering my face.
"No, Natsuki… I can't give anymore…"
At my shameless admittance, crushed petals falling from Natsuki's cruel touch showered upon my face, and down to the ground. Pale moonlight illuminated her twisted face, shining over her heart that bled because of love. My strength faltered, and I bawled out uncontrollably.
Crying into oblivion, we were just going to endure the pain through this night. Just tonight, and hopefully, the dawn would chase away everything.
Natsuki finally approached me and cupped my face in her quivering palms, painting yellow stain from the pollen on my cheeks. "Thank you for everything, Shizuru. For giving me the truth…"
Letting out a sigh of relief, she motioned me to rest my forehead against her tummy, rubbing my head. "It took me longer than I thought to have the courage to tell you this. You have to know that I can't let you go… I've got a plan, you see. I'll take us somewhere tomorrow, where we can start all over again."
Natsuki deprived me any chance to accept or refuse when the blade of her pocket knife slit my throat, passing unnoticed like the cool wind breezing through my hair. My body retched under her strong hold. My heart pounded so hard I thought it had leapt out of my chest. My face reddened as I failed to gasp for air. Her hand securely covered my nose and mouth, making certain of the end of my agony. Our agony.
In the silence of the night, Natsuki laid me down on the soft grass. My wild gaze was locked with her innocent one. Her tears streamed down upon my face, cleansing me from all sin.
Gradually, she lied down beside me and put her murderous hand over my chest, resting her head on my still shoulder. She listened to the fainting beat of my heart as I watched the stars that had never looked this bright in my entire life. My pain slowly departed. I knew I'd wake up tomorrow, and finally, I'd be somewhere.
Somewhere, Natsuki… Anywhere…