Disclaimers: The characters of Sailor Moon were created by Naoko Takeuchi
and do not belong to me.
Warnings: The barest hints of shoujo ai, sap, mangling of childhood stories
Note: The title is stolen from "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
Fractured Fairytales By Rapunzel
"Where is my suitcase?"
"Wherever you left it," Haruka answered, not looking up from the sports magazine she was perusing.
Setsuna paused in her search long enough to shoot Haruka an irritated glance. "You're not being very helpful, you know."
Haruka shrugged. "I'm not the one who suddenly decided to go halfway across the world to some conference on bread mold."
"It's not bread mold, it's about antibiotics," Setsuna corrected her.
"Why do you care anyway? I can understand Ami's mom wanting to go, but it's not as if you'll ever get a job where you need to know about that stuff."
Setsuna drew herself up. "I happen to like biology and science in general," she said. "Just because you're not interested in it doesn't mean it's not worth knowing about just for the sake of knowing about it."
"You would say something like that," Haruka said, idly flipping a page of her magazine. "So I'm into sports and not science. Big deal."
Setsuna shook her head, muttering something derisive under her breath about testosterone driven brutal contact sports as she continued the search for the missing suitcase. Haruka ignored her; Setsuna always got like this when she was in a hurry. If there was one thing the time guardian hated, it was feeling rushed. It was as if she took the mere idea of not having enough time as a personal insult.
The problem was that in this situation, there was no way for her to avoid being rushed. Ami's mother had been planning to attend the conference in the United States for weeks, but her partner had dropped out at the last minute, leaving her with airline tickets and reservations and a space at the conference that needed to be filled. Ami, being unable to go herself due to her schoolwork, had called Setsuna, knowing that the other woman was interested in such things. Unfortunately, the call hadn't come until the morning before her mother was supposed to leave.
"She'll be here any minute," Setsuna was muttering to herself. "Where the hell did I put the bloody thing?"
There was the patter of small feet, and Hotaru entered the room. "Setsuna- mama," she said, "why is your suitcase in the hall? I almost stubbed my toe on it."
"Ah!" Setsuna cried triumphantly, beaming at the girl. "I knew I'd set it somewhere around here. Thank you, Hotaru-chan." She ducked into the hall, returning a moment later, suitcase in hand. Setting it by the door, she turned to say her last goodbyes.
"Now be a good girl," she said, kneeling down so she could hug Hotaru more easily. "Listen to your Haruka-papa, and don't stay up too late."
Hotaru threw her arms around her surrogate mother's neck. "Do you have to go already?" she asked.
"Yes, but I won't be gone all that long. Just for a week or so. And just think, the day after tomorrow, Michiru will be back from her tour."
"But who's going to read me my bedtime story tonight?" Hotaru asked plaintively.
"Your Haruka-papa will, of course."
"Eh?" Haruka said, looking up from her magazine. "I will?"
"Of course you will," Setsuna said, as if it were a given.
Haruka blinked. "But I've never read her bedtime stories before. You or Michiru always do that."
"But Michiru isn't here, and I'm leaving," Setsuna pointed out. "What's the matter with you Haruka? She'll pick out a book, and you read it to her. What's so difficult about that?"
"Nothing," Haruka muttered sullenly.
In the street outside, a car horn sounded. "That's my ride," Setsuna said, and with a final kiss for Hotaru and a wave to Haruka, she hefted up her suitcase and was out the door.
Hotaru ran to the window that looked out on the street. Drawing aside the curtains, she gazed out avidly. Setsuna apparently paused to acknowledge her one more time, for Hotaru lifted her hand in a final goodbye wave. Then the car was gone, the glow from its tail lights fading down the street. Hotaru let the curtain fall back into place and turned to face Haruka.
"Well, Hime-chan," Haruka said, "looks like it's just you and me."
~*~*~
The dreaded moment had come.
Haruka sighed and ran a hand through her hair as she looked down at her daughter. Hotaru was ready for bed, looking adorable in her nightgown with her stuffed rabbit lying listlessly on the floor after having been dragged by his ear from her room. One small hand still clutched the ragged ear of the poor benighted animal. In the other hand was a book.
"Please, Haruka-papa?" Hotaru implored, gazing up with wide purple eyes.
People with stronger wills than Haruka's had yielded before those eyes. "Oh, alright. Give me the book."
Gleefully, Hotaru handed her the book. She began to trail back to her room, but stopped when she noticed that Haruka wasn't following her. "Aren't you coming, Haruka-papa?"
"Why don't we go sit on the couch?" Haruka suggested. "The light's better there. I can always tuck you in afterwards."
Hotaru agreed readily enough. She trotted into the living room at the heels of her "Papa" and seated herself beside Haruka on the couch. Haruka, for her part, flipped through the book Hotaru had handed her, eyes widening in disbelief. /These are the stories they read to our kids? /
Aloud, she began to read. "The story of Snow Wimp and the Seven Dweebs."
Hotaru blinked in surprise, but Haruka plowed on before she had a chance to question it. "Once upon a time, there was a king who had a beautiful daughter named Snow Wimp. Her lips were as red as roses and her skin was as white as snow, which should have been a clear indication that she was unhealthy. Possibly, the problem was genetic, as her mother died when she was very young. Her father remarried after her mother's death. However, the new stepmother hated Snow Wimp, and after her father died, she was forced to do all the work, which she did without complaint because she was too stupid to know better and too scared to stand up to her stepmother.
"Her stepmother had a magic mirror, and she looked in it every day because she was very vain. And she would say, 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?' She, poor thing, actually thought that being beautiful was everything. So you can imagine how angry she was when one day the mirror told her that Snow Wimp was the fairest of them all."
Haruka paused to turn the page, and Hotaru piped up, "Was the magic mirror like Michiru-mama's mirror?"
"Of course not," Haruka replied haughtily. "Michiru's mirror is much cooler and much more useful." That question settled, she began to read again before Hotaru could ask her anything else.
"The evil queen decided that she should be the most beautiful woman in the kingdom, and that meant that she had to get rid of Snow Wimp. So she got a huntsman to take Snow Wimp out in the forest to kill her. But when they got out into the forest, Snow Wimp batted her eyes at the huntsman. Since he was a hormonal male, this tactic worked and he decided that he couldn't possibly kill her. So he let her go in the woods, and instead killed some poor deer that wasn't hurting anybody and took its heart back to the wicked queen, who was a bloodthirsty old witch. When she saw the heart, she believed that Snow Wimp had died."
Again, Haruka paused to turn the page, and again Hotaru spoke up. "Haruka- papa, are you sure that's how it goes? I don't remember anything about hormones in there before."
"Moving right along," Haruka said quickly.
"Snow Wimp got lost in the woods. As she was wandering around, she saw a small cottage ahead of her. Obviously, she had never read the story of Goldilocks, for she went right on inside. She noticed that the house was very messy, with dishes in the sink and stuff all over the place, and so she decided to clean up, not realizing that one person's mess is another person's organization, and some people find things better in a 'messy' environment."
Hotaru cut in quickly. "Michiru-mama says that you're just lazy and don't like to pick up your stuff."
"Hmph," was all Haruka had to say to that.
"After all that unnecessary cleaning, Snow Wimp was very tired and she fell asleep in one of the seven small beds in the house. What she didn't realize was that the owners of the house, the seven dweebs, would return to their house as soon as the sun had set. Sunset came, and the seven dweebs returned, only to find this strange woman in their beds. At first they were alarmed and all for throwing her out, but when they saw all the work she had done, they realized that they could take advantage of her stupidity and let her do all the housework for them. For alas, they, like most men, thought that it was a woman's place to such menial work and nothing else. So, they let her stay with them."
"That's not how it goes, Haruka-papa!" Hotaru protested. "You're reading it wrong."
"Do you want to hear this story, or not?" Haruka asked, and Hotaru fell silent, so she continued.
"Things might have gone on like this for a while. But one day, the evil queen looked in her mirror again and asked, 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?' When the mirror answered, 'Snow Wimp', the queen flew into a fury. She had learned the hard way that the only way to make sure something is done right is to do it yourself. So she mixed up a poison brew and dipped an apple in it, and then she set off into the forest to find and kill Snow Wimp.
"Snow Wimp was at the house all by herself when the queen found her. The seven dweebs had gone off to work at the mines for the day, and wouldn't be back until nightfall. The queen disguised herself as an old woman, and offered Snow Wimp the apple. Snow Wimp, being stupid and trusting, and having never had her parents tell her not to take food from strangers, ate the apple. No sooner had she taken one bite then she fell to the ground, dead, or at least unconscious.
"The evil queen was so happy that she had succeeded that she spent a while gloating. When the seven dweebs came home and realized what she'd done, they hunted down the evil queen. While trying to escape them, she fell off a cliff and died. The seven dweebs were still sad because Snow Wimp was dead, for they had liked her, despite the fact that she never thought for herself. They built a tomb for her, and there she stayed, her body somehow miraculously preserved so that it didn't rot, until next spring."
As Haruka turned the page, she noticed Hotaru peering over her arm, trying to see the pages of the book. Knowing full well that Setsuna had taught the girl to read, Haruka held the book a little higher so that she couldn't see the pages. There was no point in letting her know that Haruka was mostly ad-libbing the story and was only glancing at the book to get the main points of the plot.
"That spring, a young prince was riding around looking for a wife. He happened to see the tomb and the pretty girl inside of it, and so he stopped to check her out. He noticed that she was dead, but he didn't let small details get in his way. So he lifted up the lid of the tomb and kissed Snow Wimp. She woke up when he kissed her and said, 'Finally, you have come to take me away, my prince.'
"The prince was surprised, but he replied, 'Nope, sorry, I only dig dead chicks.' The end. Moral of the story: never just sit and wait for Prince Charming to come to you."
Hotaru sat on the couch staring up at Haruka with wide, horrified eyes. Her mouth opened and shut a few times, and she finally managed to say, "Haruka-papa! That's not how it goes!"
Haruka was about to reply when an image of what Michiru's face would look like if she ever heard the end to that particular story popped into her mind. Relenting, she said, "You're right. He married her and they lived happily ever after. Are you happy?"
Hotaru didn't answer, so Haruka took silence as assent. "Good," she said. "It's past your bedtime."
~*~*~
The opening of the front door was accompanied by loud and enthusiastic cries of, "Michiru-mama! Michiru-mama, you're home!"
Even from her room where she was changing her clothes, Haruka could hear Hotaru's joyful cries and the murmur of Michiru's voice as she greeted the child. Smiling to herself, she prepared to go out and greet her lover properly. However, before she got a chance to put that plan into action, the door to her room opened quietly and Michiru came in.
Smiling, Haruka went over to greet her with a kiss. "Welcome back," she said.
Michiru smiled back at her, but there was a hint of amusement in the curve of her mouth. Haruka puzzled over its cause for a moment before finally asking, "What?"
"'Snow Wimp'?" Michiru asked mildly.
"She told you about that already?!"
"Oh yes. As soon as I got in the door." There was no doubt about it; Michiru's smile held definite mirth.
"She shouldn't have asked me to read a story like that to her. I hate those old fairytales where all the heroines ever do is sit around, act stupid, and wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue them," Haruka defended herself.
Michiru laughed. "You're such a feminist sometimes, Haruka."
"I am not," Haruka grumped. "But I suppose I should look on the bright side. At least she won't ask me to read to her again."
Michiru's smile turned speculative. "Oh I'm not so sure about that. . ."
~*~*~
Haruka relaxed on the couch as she watched the races on the television. Life was good, but then life usually was good as long as Michiru was around. Thing had returned to their normal routine, and Haruka was quite happy to have them that way.
Suddenly, she felt a slight tug at her shirt sleeve. Turning, she looked over to see Hotaru, all ready for bed, clutching a book in one hand. Michiru stood in the doorway behind her, and she winked at Haruka before turning around and sauntering off.
"Haruka-papa," Hotaru said. "Will you read me a story?"
Haruka sighed and gave in to the inevitable. Patting the couch beside her and turning off the television, she took the book from Hotaru.
"Let's see what we've got. Ah, the classic tale of Cinder-wimp. . ."
Owari
Author's Note: When I was a child, my father used to mess around with the stories he read me, especially the ones with weak heroines. I can easily picture Haruka doing the same thing, although in the story I had her do it more than my father did.
Warnings: The barest hints of shoujo ai, sap, mangling of childhood stories
Note: The title is stolen from "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
Fractured Fairytales By Rapunzel
"Where is my suitcase?"
"Wherever you left it," Haruka answered, not looking up from the sports magazine she was perusing.
Setsuna paused in her search long enough to shoot Haruka an irritated glance. "You're not being very helpful, you know."
Haruka shrugged. "I'm not the one who suddenly decided to go halfway across the world to some conference on bread mold."
"It's not bread mold, it's about antibiotics," Setsuna corrected her.
"Why do you care anyway? I can understand Ami's mom wanting to go, but it's not as if you'll ever get a job where you need to know about that stuff."
Setsuna drew herself up. "I happen to like biology and science in general," she said. "Just because you're not interested in it doesn't mean it's not worth knowing about just for the sake of knowing about it."
"You would say something like that," Haruka said, idly flipping a page of her magazine. "So I'm into sports and not science. Big deal."
Setsuna shook her head, muttering something derisive under her breath about testosterone driven brutal contact sports as she continued the search for the missing suitcase. Haruka ignored her; Setsuna always got like this when she was in a hurry. If there was one thing the time guardian hated, it was feeling rushed. It was as if she took the mere idea of not having enough time as a personal insult.
The problem was that in this situation, there was no way for her to avoid being rushed. Ami's mother had been planning to attend the conference in the United States for weeks, but her partner had dropped out at the last minute, leaving her with airline tickets and reservations and a space at the conference that needed to be filled. Ami, being unable to go herself due to her schoolwork, had called Setsuna, knowing that the other woman was interested in such things. Unfortunately, the call hadn't come until the morning before her mother was supposed to leave.
"She'll be here any minute," Setsuna was muttering to herself. "Where the hell did I put the bloody thing?"
There was the patter of small feet, and Hotaru entered the room. "Setsuna- mama," she said, "why is your suitcase in the hall? I almost stubbed my toe on it."
"Ah!" Setsuna cried triumphantly, beaming at the girl. "I knew I'd set it somewhere around here. Thank you, Hotaru-chan." She ducked into the hall, returning a moment later, suitcase in hand. Setting it by the door, she turned to say her last goodbyes.
"Now be a good girl," she said, kneeling down so she could hug Hotaru more easily. "Listen to your Haruka-papa, and don't stay up too late."
Hotaru threw her arms around her surrogate mother's neck. "Do you have to go already?" she asked.
"Yes, but I won't be gone all that long. Just for a week or so. And just think, the day after tomorrow, Michiru will be back from her tour."
"But who's going to read me my bedtime story tonight?" Hotaru asked plaintively.
"Your Haruka-papa will, of course."
"Eh?" Haruka said, looking up from her magazine. "I will?"
"Of course you will," Setsuna said, as if it were a given.
Haruka blinked. "But I've never read her bedtime stories before. You or Michiru always do that."
"But Michiru isn't here, and I'm leaving," Setsuna pointed out. "What's the matter with you Haruka? She'll pick out a book, and you read it to her. What's so difficult about that?"
"Nothing," Haruka muttered sullenly.
In the street outside, a car horn sounded. "That's my ride," Setsuna said, and with a final kiss for Hotaru and a wave to Haruka, she hefted up her suitcase and was out the door.
Hotaru ran to the window that looked out on the street. Drawing aside the curtains, she gazed out avidly. Setsuna apparently paused to acknowledge her one more time, for Hotaru lifted her hand in a final goodbye wave. Then the car was gone, the glow from its tail lights fading down the street. Hotaru let the curtain fall back into place and turned to face Haruka.
"Well, Hime-chan," Haruka said, "looks like it's just you and me."
~*~*~
The dreaded moment had come.
Haruka sighed and ran a hand through her hair as she looked down at her daughter. Hotaru was ready for bed, looking adorable in her nightgown with her stuffed rabbit lying listlessly on the floor after having been dragged by his ear from her room. One small hand still clutched the ragged ear of the poor benighted animal. In the other hand was a book.
"Please, Haruka-papa?" Hotaru implored, gazing up with wide purple eyes.
People with stronger wills than Haruka's had yielded before those eyes. "Oh, alright. Give me the book."
Gleefully, Hotaru handed her the book. She began to trail back to her room, but stopped when she noticed that Haruka wasn't following her. "Aren't you coming, Haruka-papa?"
"Why don't we go sit on the couch?" Haruka suggested. "The light's better there. I can always tuck you in afterwards."
Hotaru agreed readily enough. She trotted into the living room at the heels of her "Papa" and seated herself beside Haruka on the couch. Haruka, for her part, flipped through the book Hotaru had handed her, eyes widening in disbelief. /These are the stories they read to our kids? /
Aloud, she began to read. "The story of Snow Wimp and the Seven Dweebs."
Hotaru blinked in surprise, but Haruka plowed on before she had a chance to question it. "Once upon a time, there was a king who had a beautiful daughter named Snow Wimp. Her lips were as red as roses and her skin was as white as snow, which should have been a clear indication that she was unhealthy. Possibly, the problem was genetic, as her mother died when she was very young. Her father remarried after her mother's death. However, the new stepmother hated Snow Wimp, and after her father died, she was forced to do all the work, which she did without complaint because she was too stupid to know better and too scared to stand up to her stepmother.
"Her stepmother had a magic mirror, and she looked in it every day because she was very vain. And she would say, 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?' She, poor thing, actually thought that being beautiful was everything. So you can imagine how angry she was when one day the mirror told her that Snow Wimp was the fairest of them all."
Haruka paused to turn the page, and Hotaru piped up, "Was the magic mirror like Michiru-mama's mirror?"
"Of course not," Haruka replied haughtily. "Michiru's mirror is much cooler and much more useful." That question settled, she began to read again before Hotaru could ask her anything else.
"The evil queen decided that she should be the most beautiful woman in the kingdom, and that meant that she had to get rid of Snow Wimp. So she got a huntsman to take Snow Wimp out in the forest to kill her. But when they got out into the forest, Snow Wimp batted her eyes at the huntsman. Since he was a hormonal male, this tactic worked and he decided that he couldn't possibly kill her. So he let her go in the woods, and instead killed some poor deer that wasn't hurting anybody and took its heart back to the wicked queen, who was a bloodthirsty old witch. When she saw the heart, she believed that Snow Wimp had died."
Again, Haruka paused to turn the page, and again Hotaru spoke up. "Haruka- papa, are you sure that's how it goes? I don't remember anything about hormones in there before."
"Moving right along," Haruka said quickly.
"Snow Wimp got lost in the woods. As she was wandering around, she saw a small cottage ahead of her. Obviously, she had never read the story of Goldilocks, for she went right on inside. She noticed that the house was very messy, with dishes in the sink and stuff all over the place, and so she decided to clean up, not realizing that one person's mess is another person's organization, and some people find things better in a 'messy' environment."
Hotaru cut in quickly. "Michiru-mama says that you're just lazy and don't like to pick up your stuff."
"Hmph," was all Haruka had to say to that.
"After all that unnecessary cleaning, Snow Wimp was very tired and she fell asleep in one of the seven small beds in the house. What she didn't realize was that the owners of the house, the seven dweebs, would return to their house as soon as the sun had set. Sunset came, and the seven dweebs returned, only to find this strange woman in their beds. At first they were alarmed and all for throwing her out, but when they saw all the work she had done, they realized that they could take advantage of her stupidity and let her do all the housework for them. For alas, they, like most men, thought that it was a woman's place to such menial work and nothing else. So, they let her stay with them."
"That's not how it goes, Haruka-papa!" Hotaru protested. "You're reading it wrong."
"Do you want to hear this story, or not?" Haruka asked, and Hotaru fell silent, so she continued.
"Things might have gone on like this for a while. But one day, the evil queen looked in her mirror again and asked, 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?' When the mirror answered, 'Snow Wimp', the queen flew into a fury. She had learned the hard way that the only way to make sure something is done right is to do it yourself. So she mixed up a poison brew and dipped an apple in it, and then she set off into the forest to find and kill Snow Wimp.
"Snow Wimp was at the house all by herself when the queen found her. The seven dweebs had gone off to work at the mines for the day, and wouldn't be back until nightfall. The queen disguised herself as an old woman, and offered Snow Wimp the apple. Snow Wimp, being stupid and trusting, and having never had her parents tell her not to take food from strangers, ate the apple. No sooner had she taken one bite then she fell to the ground, dead, or at least unconscious.
"The evil queen was so happy that she had succeeded that she spent a while gloating. When the seven dweebs came home and realized what she'd done, they hunted down the evil queen. While trying to escape them, she fell off a cliff and died. The seven dweebs were still sad because Snow Wimp was dead, for they had liked her, despite the fact that she never thought for herself. They built a tomb for her, and there she stayed, her body somehow miraculously preserved so that it didn't rot, until next spring."
As Haruka turned the page, she noticed Hotaru peering over her arm, trying to see the pages of the book. Knowing full well that Setsuna had taught the girl to read, Haruka held the book a little higher so that she couldn't see the pages. There was no point in letting her know that Haruka was mostly ad-libbing the story and was only glancing at the book to get the main points of the plot.
"That spring, a young prince was riding around looking for a wife. He happened to see the tomb and the pretty girl inside of it, and so he stopped to check her out. He noticed that she was dead, but he didn't let small details get in his way. So he lifted up the lid of the tomb and kissed Snow Wimp. She woke up when he kissed her and said, 'Finally, you have come to take me away, my prince.'
"The prince was surprised, but he replied, 'Nope, sorry, I only dig dead chicks.' The end. Moral of the story: never just sit and wait for Prince Charming to come to you."
Hotaru sat on the couch staring up at Haruka with wide, horrified eyes. Her mouth opened and shut a few times, and she finally managed to say, "Haruka-papa! That's not how it goes!"
Haruka was about to reply when an image of what Michiru's face would look like if she ever heard the end to that particular story popped into her mind. Relenting, she said, "You're right. He married her and they lived happily ever after. Are you happy?"
Hotaru didn't answer, so Haruka took silence as assent. "Good," she said. "It's past your bedtime."
~*~*~
The opening of the front door was accompanied by loud and enthusiastic cries of, "Michiru-mama! Michiru-mama, you're home!"
Even from her room where she was changing her clothes, Haruka could hear Hotaru's joyful cries and the murmur of Michiru's voice as she greeted the child. Smiling to herself, she prepared to go out and greet her lover properly. However, before she got a chance to put that plan into action, the door to her room opened quietly and Michiru came in.
Smiling, Haruka went over to greet her with a kiss. "Welcome back," she said.
Michiru smiled back at her, but there was a hint of amusement in the curve of her mouth. Haruka puzzled over its cause for a moment before finally asking, "What?"
"'Snow Wimp'?" Michiru asked mildly.
"She told you about that already?!"
"Oh yes. As soon as I got in the door." There was no doubt about it; Michiru's smile held definite mirth.
"She shouldn't have asked me to read a story like that to her. I hate those old fairytales where all the heroines ever do is sit around, act stupid, and wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue them," Haruka defended herself.
Michiru laughed. "You're such a feminist sometimes, Haruka."
"I am not," Haruka grumped. "But I suppose I should look on the bright side. At least she won't ask me to read to her again."
Michiru's smile turned speculative. "Oh I'm not so sure about that. . ."
~*~*~
Haruka relaxed on the couch as she watched the races on the television. Life was good, but then life usually was good as long as Michiru was around. Thing had returned to their normal routine, and Haruka was quite happy to have them that way.
Suddenly, she felt a slight tug at her shirt sleeve. Turning, she looked over to see Hotaru, all ready for bed, clutching a book in one hand. Michiru stood in the doorway behind her, and she winked at Haruka before turning around and sauntering off.
"Haruka-papa," Hotaru said. "Will you read me a story?"
Haruka sighed and gave in to the inevitable. Patting the couch beside her and turning off the television, she took the book from Hotaru.
"Let's see what we've got. Ah, the classic tale of Cinder-wimp. . ."
Owari
Author's Note: When I was a child, my father used to mess around with the stories he read me, especially the ones with weak heroines. I can easily picture Haruka doing the same thing, although in the story I had her do it more than my father did.