Title: Unrequited, Unknown, and Stolen
Pairing: Logan/Julian
Notes: Maybe Julian wasn't the only one unrequited. It may have meant nothing at first, but it meant everything in the end.
Logan Wright, Julian Larson, Derek Seigerson and the Daltonverse plotline are from CP Coulter
Logan could remember very well when his habit began.
It was Freshman year. It wasn't a particularly interesting day, and they had only been in school some months. It was oppressively sunny outdoors, and Derek was out in some maniacal sports regime that he was determined to gain a foothold over in an effort to begin his epic tale of dominion over the varsity. Or at least, that's what that deranged glint in his eye must have meant when he left for football training.
The afternoon was winding down, and Logan found himself devoid of utterly anything to do. His homework had long since been done and he was looking for something to occupy himself. He remembered, after a search in his room, that Julian had borrowed the book he had been in the middle of reading, and seeing as how his iPod was also missing, the celebrity baby must've taken it upon himself to borrow that too.
Grumbling, Logan threw himself into Julian's room without so much as knocking—they weren't even friends long enough for Julian to have the nerve to do something like that, but if there was anyone else in Dalton more spoiled than Julian was…
He stopped immediately as he stepped in, a little startled. Julian was lying sound asleep on his bed, dressed out of school clothes in a white button down shirt and jeans, looking utterly casual, and utterly asleep. He was lying on his stomach, head turned to the side, one arm on the bed and the other dangling off one side. The headphones were still in his ears—one of them anyway—and in the surprising stillness and quiet of Julian's room, he could hear the music beating out of them.
It was the whole visage of the room that startled Logan into stopping—because it was completely unalike what he expected from Julian. The actor had always been lordly, loud, open and in-your-face most of the time and he expected much of the same from him, but this was different. In that sunny, warm afternoon, Julian and his room was the picture of stillness.
He was so peacefully asleep that it was as though nothing could ever break that tranquil.
In spite of himself, Logan felt a little as though he were rupturing this tranquil by even coming in. He had heard from Derek that Julian liked to sleep whenever he could, and he could see why. A closer look showed traces of strain on his schoolmate. Beneath the dangling fingertips from the bed was an open English textbook, and those fingertips stained in highlighter. The pen itself was on the other hand, uncapped and forgotten, staining the sheets, and next to that, was a script for something that had the same highlighter marks as the English textbook.
Logan sighed and rolled his eyes. If there was anyone who multi-tasked too much in their lives, it would have to be his two insane friends. He moved over to where the book was dropped and bent down to pick it up. There was a stack of books on the nightstand next to the bed and Logan idly wondered if the book he was looking for was there.
As he lifted his hand to pick up the English book, his arm brushed against Julian's for an instant. He looked up, wondering if he'd woken his classmate.
No such luck. Julian was so sound asleep that a hurricane couldn't have woken him. Experimentally, Logan pushed at Julian's elbow.
No response. He prodded him again. "Jules," he said now.
Nothing. Dead to the world. Logan rolled his eyes. Julian sure could sleep. Nothing could wake him. And he looked so tired… There was a darkening under the eyes—the brown ones that Logan considered now as he carefully reached into the bed and pulled the iPod away from him, and his classmate still didn't wake. He studied him intently, but he might as well have been an ivory carving.
And when the light hit the peacefully sleeping Julian just like this, he supposed he could…well, maybe he could admit…
That he did look beautiful.
Logan felt a bit of a guilty jab in the pit of his stomach as he stared at his classmate, breathing gently in his sleep. Sure he knew that he was gay, but Julian had yet to make any indication as to which way he swung, and like everyone else in school, he was straight until proven otherwise.
Was it wrong to find him attractive, watching him sleep like this? It's not like he could help it—it was true all the time even. He'd always been attractive and that had never changed. Logan's eyes landed on the slightly open mouth, rather perfectly shaped. When it wasn't sending out snide comments, it really was a very pretty mouth Julian had…
Logan swallowed. He leaned forward a little to the bed, staring very intently for any sign of movement whatsoever.
Shouldn't do this. This is a bad idea. Turn back now. You can't do this to him.
He was already right over him. "…Julian…?" Logan whispered softly.
Still nothing. Even when he had spoken louder than this, Julian didn't wake. Why would his whisper wake him now?
Just once. Just to see what it'd be like. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. Hell, he probably wouldn't mind even if he knew. Maybe. How should he know? Just once…
And with a last careful glance looking his classmate over, he stole one.
Just one kiss.
A careful press of the lips, long and warm, his slightly trembling ones against the still ones. When he pulled slowly away, heart hammering in his chest, he stared with intent green eyes at Julian for any sign of his classmate waking.
And, as with many things that went wrong in Logan's life, Julian didn't even move.
Logan sat back on his heels, clutching the English text and breathing a little quickly as he stared at his classmate, wondering what he'd just done. He'd kissed him, and got away with it.
He'd only taken one. And there's no way he'd ever tell him. It would be like it never happened. Julian would carry on like nothing happened. Logan would do the same. No big deal. Stupid curiosity, that's all it was. He'd just wondered what it would be like and he acted on it. That's all. That's it. It's over.
…it had been all right.
…almost nice.
He fled the room, forgetting his errand.
It was raining the second time he came. Still Freshman year, not even a couple of weeks later.
Julian was curled up in bed again, looking very warm and comfortable versus the torrent outside, beating coldly at the windows. Logan stalked in, mood just about as dreary as the rain outside. The rain hadn't stopped all day and he was half drenched and not even the thought that the Warblers had just named him their lead for the next performance ("A freshman! Can you believe this?") could warm him when the academic workload began to take its toll.
Fucking Derek was out again. Not even rain could stop his insane training. Football players play in the damn rain, he'd declared. Enjoy your pneumonia, Logan had shot back. He also had gone and broken Logan's umbrella earlier that day while mucking around. Wonderful. Logan had to run all the way back to Stuart. Sheet music was ruined too.
He'd made it into his room to attempt to get some work done only to find that Julian had most likely been in there and had rooted into his desk, messing it up, probably looking for notes to copy or something, the way he always did when pressed for time in schoolwork and he needed a little "helping along".
He had half a mind to wake Julian up so he could blow up at him and vent like he usually did.
But when he found him asleep, he also found that he couldn't. Again.
What was it about this prissy idiot and the way he slept that made him look so…sacred?
His hair still dripping in rainwater and glaring malevolently at the peaceful form on the bed, he ended up pacing the room instead. Where was he going to rant and pace anyway? His room? No one would pay attention. And sure, okay, Julian wasn't paying attention and he was practically comatose in sleep, but there was at least someone in the room. And damn it, if you can't rant to a friend even while he's totally asleep, then what was the point of having one?
"I hate all this freaking rain…" Logan was grumbling. "It hasn't stopped since this morning. Are they trying to drown us up there? And then all the freaking homework and the damned papers and Murdoch being a Class A pain-in-the-ass—why does he even have to be the House Head anyway? Why is he even teaching English Lit? And why are those Windsor guys so insane? They can't just be allowed to get away with fucking everything, one of them just blew up the—!"
This raving continued and Julian slept through it. After a while, Logan just got pissed off. How could someone sleep through this? He glared angrily at Julian's prone form, wondering how he could dare to sleep while Logan was so angry.
Snarling, Logan crossed over to the bed and leaned over him, with every intention to wake him, hands clenching. But Julian just continued to breathe steadily, eyelashes never even fluttering, one hand resting softly on the bed right next to where Logan placed his damp one. Oblivious.
There was no thinking this time. If Julian got pissed off, he deserved it. Logan bent down and stole another kiss from his lips—quick and chaste but a little rough, partially hoping he'd wake up, and the small part of him slowly waking up from his anger and wondering why he'd want him to—and it was only after he leaned back did he wonder what the hell he was doing.
Julian continued to sleep. Didn't even move. Logan glowered at him.
How could he be so asleep? Was he an idiot? Anyone could take advantage of him. How many people could've done this to him if he had passed out on set or something? Logan felt a hot wave pass over him at the thought of some starry-eyed creep doing this to his friend.
…for that matter, what was he doing to him?
Hot rage left. Guilt came and stabbed. Logan glared at little at him, but now without conviction. An apologetic glare. Julian still continued to sleep, completely unaware.
Logan reached out and pushed away a lock of long oak brown hair that fell into Julian's face. Stupid friend. Stupid pretty sleeping friend. Logan knew that Julian was straight now—all he ever went out with were girls. He'd probably flip the hell out if he knew Logan kissed him in his sleep.
Then he should wake up more, Logan decided with an inward jab at his conscience. He took away one more quiet kiss from Julian's lips, and fled the room before he could overthink his stupid sleeping friend.
…it made him feel better.
The third time was simple. A little while after the second.
A vast majority of people had left campus for a holiday weekend, but Logan was one of the few left behind. Derek had gone home to his parents, anxious to give them his grades which expressed a glittering line of As and present to them his sports achievements and afterwards probably anxious to really go all out with some girls. Logan would rather stay behind and get struck by some lightning than see his father who wouldn't really give a shit.
So Stuart house was quieter than ever, and that Saturday afternoon, everything was still.
Logan, bored out of his mind, and just that bit lonelier than he'd like to admit, he wandered into Julian's room, knowing that his friend was there, and that Julian was staying in the dorm, as he always did, on weekends when everyone was out.
It was always the way. Julian didn't go to his family, he didn't go to shoots, he was in this awkward phase and he was basically in school for a "break". And in a sense, he was even lonelier than Logan was because he was so used to be loved and feted and every way that to be alone must be heinous.
"Are you kidding? I'm glad to be alone! Everyone screaming at you all the time, who wants that?"
Logan smiled a little, looking down at the friend he found asleep, another book lying open on his bed and headphones still over his head, thrumming out music that went unheard. Julian didn't like being screamed at, but he and Logan did a lot of that to each other. But he guessed it was different that way.
Carefully, Logan took away the headphones from Julian. He found it interesting how Julian was starting to listen to songs that Logan liked. Maybe because he kept taking Logan's iPod. Couldn't he buy his own? Or maybe he just liked that thought that he could actually borrow from someone he knew. As Logan gathered, they both didn't really have a whole lot of friends past Derek.
He took only one this time. One soft press of the lips, one passing glance at his friend. He wasn't even thinking about it anymore. It just felt good to have a little human contact. And then he sat down on the floor, back resting against the side of the bed Julian faced in his sleep, and just stayed there.
He eventually fell asleep, but when he woke up, there was a blanket over him, and Julian was facing the other side, and asleep again. Logan had just smiled to himself.
It made the day a little more tolerable.
It became a habit. A hard one to break.
Why he kept coming to Julian's room to fume, and why he kept going there when everything was lonely was lost on him already. He just went there. Because he could get something from him that he couldn't get anywhere else: contact. And it was terrible, stealing one kiss after another from someone, as a form of relief. The kisses didn't mean anything. He and Julian were not even aimed towards the same preference. He just needed them because there was no one else he could get them from.
Throughout freshman year, he stole them, and it became bad when Julian's awkward-phase finally drained. All it took was one movie deal. And Julian was out of his cage—flying out to the bright lights again.
That was all right, Logan figured. At least now that the temptation was away, it was gone and he would have no need for it. He never thought about Julian or how he looked or kissing him when his friend was awake or present. It, the stillness and the kisses, was just something that happened sometimes.
And Logan sometimes still found himself looking at the door to Julian's room and wondering if his friend was in there, before he could remind himself that Julian was away.
He didn't know he needed it more than he wanted to admit, when Julian came back that day, a month after shooting. He had come into his room and seen him asleep again, home early, and hadn't even changed out of his clothes. He'd grown in the month—he looked longer, and leaner. Logan had frowned. The toll showed on his friend.
He had knelt at the bedside and taken one kiss, and then pulled the covers up on his friend, deciding immediately not to wake him for class. Hollywood was going to be the death of this idiot. And he wasn't even old enough to drive yet. But he lived on it like a crack addict to drugs…
He caught himself at an odd parallel, once he realized that the first thing he'd done to his friend was to kiss him. It seems like Julian isn't the only addict here…
He didn't feel embarrassed—he liked getting what he wanted and simply taking it, hell to everything else—but he did feel guilty, doing this to him. Julian wasn't even gay or anything. And they fought all the time. They're clearly always at each other's throats. It was like he was playing a game on his friend and just taking advantage of him for no reason. It was purely for Logan's own bored, lonely benefit. It didn't even mean anything.
Julian had his privacy invaded all the time and doing this was worse—because even if they fought all the time, even if they sounded as though they'd kill each other in the next breath, they were still friends. And this, doing this to him, was so many levels of fucked up.
Logan stared at Julian, contemplating.
"…Jules?" he whispered.
As always, no response. Tired expression on Julian's sleeping form. Logan stared down at him and wondered if he had gone crazy as his father said. He didn't even know why he was doing this. It didn't mean anything; he just knew that it felt good. After all the repeated times, it made him feel better whenever he did this.
One last one…
Just one last one.
He leaned down and kissed him, longer than he usually did. Always just a press of the lips. He pulled back and stared intently at Julian, willing him, in a distant part of him, to wake up. Wake up and tell him off and yell at him, make him stop. Make him stop coming back.
Nothing. Julian continued to breathe calmly.
Logan clenched his fists.
He had to stop.
Sophomore year found Logan going back. Sometimes he went into Julian's room half hoping he would be asleep. He was just never able to just talk to Julian the way he could just talk and talk whenever he'd be in there and he was asleep. Such irony—his friend was a better friend when unconscious.
That, and the kisses.
He knew it was a bad idea and that he had probably actually gone psychopathic and he was that close to treading the fine line to taking his friend by force if his continued worsening temperament kept going. Nothing had ever changed between them in the waking world. But in the one where Julian was asleep, Logan just kept going back. It felt different there, from the world.
Even when Blaine came into the picture.
Logan was positive that with Blaine in the picture—and he was intent on him—he could get all the human contact he wanted and needed and he wouldn't have to keep going to back to the sleeping actor. His relationship with Blaine was sufficiently heated enough that he actually didn't come near Julian for weeks.
The added fact that he and Julian suddenly seemed to fight a lot more at this time certainly helped. He didn't know what the hell was wrong with Julian but he was even worse than usual. Some days they would get along, but some days there was just no talking to him. Julian was always moody, and he always looked tired or that he couldn't bear to look at him.
But one day, when he and Blaine began to have problems, Logan found himself sitting against the side of Julian's bed again as his friend slept. Incidentally, Julian looked worse than ever today. He didn't even look peaceful while he slept. He just looked depressed, his sleep troubled.
Logan stayed, his own hand resting lightly over Julian's and staring at his friend for a moment. What problems could Julian possibly have? He had everything. Logan began to talk to him—or himself—in these occasions. He only sat there to talk and he never came near his lips, convinced that he no longer needed to. Maybe all he had to do was let it out. He had Blaine now for the physical contact.
The days got worse. Logan got angrier. Blaine became more distant, and who the hell wouldn't be with the way Logan had been acting. He continued to refuse his medication, or even acknowledge that he needed any. So the spiral downward continued.
And on the worst of the days, Logan kept coming back to Julian's room when he was asleep, and just sitting there. The only place he couldn't be alone. He knew that the relationship with Blaine was taking a toll even on Julian and Derek, neither of them approved of everything that happened to it. But Logan needed someone. Anyone. So if Derek or Julian couldn't talk to him in the waking world, Logan sought the support as Julian slept.
On the worst of the nights, Logan went into Julian's room late. He and Blaine had fought again, and it seemed as though it couldn't get better. It had been forever since he'd even held Blaine in his arms. And he had never felt so alone.
Logan sat at the window and just stared at Julian sleeping. He looked a little better today. He'd gotten good news. Someone was offering him another movie, so his mood was better today. And he's touched Logan's shoulder earlier in the day at school, and that contact felt like it burned into Logan's skin. To everyone else, he couldn't be touched, as though he were a ticking time bomb.
But Julian was never ever afraid of him.
Logan was across the room in a moment, and leaning over his friend.
Mentally shooting himself over and over, realizing that this was wrong and this was twisted, he just needed someone. And if he couldn't take it by force, as Blaine proved, he had to steal it.
And he stole from Julian. He always stole from Julian.
It was the first kiss in months. Logan expected the lips to be cold because of the night air, but they were warm. As they had always been. And for the first time, he moved a hand carefully through Julian's brown hair as he did.
It lasted longer than it had been. When Logan pulled away, he was so sure Julian would wake up.
And yet again, as with everything wrong that went on in Logan's life, Julian never stirred.
Logan sank back onto the floor next to the bed, wondering what the hell was wrong with him that he had been reduced to taking advantage of his friend for his own purposes.
He had become terrible.
Julian began disappearing.
The first time, he vanished without a real goodbye—Logan had to learn from Derek, and by then, Julian was on the plane out. He was off to do a movie, and would be back in a few weeks. But there was something else: he and Blaine got better. As though the bridge was being repaired a little bit.
And somewhere, he was sure…that Julian had been behind it. He had seen Julian talking to Blaine, and Logan had slammed him for it after Blaine left, looking angry. Julian just fought right back at Logan and stormed off. That was when he vanished into the night, and the next day, Logan and Blaine were on the road to recovery.
Could it have been…?
But that's impossible, Julian never liked Blaine. Maybe it was just coincidence.
The relationship with Blaine got better, and then eventually spiraled down again past the point of no return. Julian came back from filming not too long after, and the way he said the I-told-you-so solidified the thought in Logan's mind that there was no way Julian could've been behind repairing it the first time.
Logan sometimes found himself staring at Julian's mouth and wondering if his friend would ever knew what he'd done to him. But it wasn't as though he were…really taking him by force… He tried to rationalize what he was doing, but the bottom of it all just showed that he was a wreck and that he was taking advantage of his friends' patience.
How they put up with him, he would never know.
He refused to be near Julian again, disgusted with himself, and with Julian for being so oblivious. Why couldn't he just wake up and stop him one day?
When did it end? When would it end?
When Logan went out with that second soloist, a replay of the events with Blaine just happened and in the end, Logan wasn't any better off. In fact, he was worse. He took it out on everyone, especially on his friends, even in the waking days. His medication continued to be abandoned.
And there was just no changing him. He was angry all the time. On everyone, everything. And he hated the fact that he felt so alone with nothing but the pure rage.
One day, he found himself throwing Julian into his CD rack, even though Logan had run into his room the night before to hide from himself, the way he did so often. Julian's sleeping form was his sedative. And yet this afternoon, after a heated battle with both his friends, the actor collided with the CD rack and hit the ground with a sickening crunch.
Derek wanted to kill Logan for it, he could tell, as Julian got back up. There was a cut just under his eye and it bled. A bruise formed at his forearm right by the elbow. Julian had held himself up in perfect vindictive form, striking with precise words onto Logan that cut deep—that Logan was a fucking monster and he was an asshole who was just too self-centered.
And that he was going to be alone for the rest of his life, and it would be all his fault and he'll have no one to blame, and that no one was going to listen. No one will be left, because he was going to destroy everyone who will ever try.
Julian avoided him the rest of the day.
That night, Logan stood over Julian, his heart clamped cold. The actor was asleep soundly, and the cut on his eye had a bandaid on it. The bruises on him were obvious on his skin. Logan had done all those things.
And when he knelt next to him, taking Julian's hand, he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jules…"
He could never apologize to his face. He couldn't. He was too fucked up to do the decent thing. There was nothing in him that could ever be good again, and it felt that way. He'd rotted away.
Logan knew that he was going to lose him. He could tell. This was going to be the end if he didn't do something.
"Jules…" he said in a whisper, leaning over him. "Julian."
He kissed him. "Julian," he whispered again. "Say something."
Nothing.
Logan's hands clenched. Julian would never wake up. He never had. And he wouldn't wake him.
Too fucked up to do the decent thing and wake him.
Even if he wanted to.
Julian vanished again after that night. And this time, he didn't say goodbye at all. He told another Stuart that he'd be back eventually. Two months of filming—the longest yet.
And he did not speak to Logan the whole time. He spoke to Derek, but never Logan.
Logan's rage triplicated when Julian vanished and he no longer had anyone to hang onto in silence—Derek couldn't help him and he knew it. The continued tension and wrath mounted. It ended in the cataclysmic battle in Warblers' Hall that had him expelled. He had hurled Blaine the same way he had thrown Julian before when he was at his worst.
It was a playback. Logan was in ruins. Everyone couldn't stand him and didn't know what to do with him. His expulsion rattled him. He was sent packing back to New York and his father nearly eviscerated him for what he'd done. But his dad couldn't be bothered to look after him right now. He was too busy. He had too much to do.
So he pulled strings with the school board, with the school, did everything for the first time. Send Logan back to fucking Westerville. Where he was out of the way and couldn't make trouble at home. Get him out of the way with ultimatums. Get his shit straight and stay in Westerville or he'd commit him to a hospital.
Logan was positive that Derek would be telling Julian all these things.
And yet nothing was heard from the actor.
Logan caved. He took his medication. He told Derek about his medication so Derek could keep an eye on him. Derek agreed.
He needed someone so badly. He wanted someone to hold onto. And Julian was no longer there. He had Derek, but Derek had been martyred long enough. He couldn't keep doing this to Derek. If he didn't do anything with himself, he would be lost for good and even he knew that.
He hated the meds. He hated how they made him feel—like the nothing his father must have thought he was.
It had just been fading away, the medication for the day, when he met Kurt.
And he fell in love.
He loved Kurt desperately. He was new, he was gentle and refined, and he was a spectacular, headstrong diva who seemed to have bent Windsor House to his will. And he could sing like a dream. He loved Kurt like mad—because he felt like everything Logan had ever wanted and he abandoned his medication for it from time to time. He wanted to feel this.
And then, there was Blaine. Who Kurt only had eyes for.
Then things slowly, progressively, went to hell, as he was rebuffed again and again and again. He took his medication on and off, and he didn't even know who he was and what he wanted anymore.
He was right. He was losing himself. And he didn't care anymore. He felt as though he'd invested everything he had in Kurt. And that if he didn't have him, he would disappear forever. There was no one else. Derek couldn't stand him, and Julian was missing.
New Year came and went, Julian returned.
He acted as though nothing happened. Derek told him everything, and he seemed to be his usual primadonna self about it, behaving as though everything was okay again. That nothing had changed. But he seemed to hold himself even more distant now. He was his friend…but he was a shadow.
It didn't matter to Logan. He was there, that's it. His presence sent a waft of confidence back into Logan's world, now that he had him and Derek again. Julian was back home and Logan felt as though he could control himself again, with both Derek and Julian with him.
But he got too cocky. He went too far.
He ruined Kurt.
He ruined Blaine.
He ruined himself.
He ruined everything so perfectly that at the end—at the very very end, all he had were flaming remains.
It was all over. It was everything he had always expected, and everything both Derek and Julian had warned him about. That it wasn't worth it, and that there would be no redemption after this one.
When Derek abandoned helping him after the Pavarotti fiasco, there was no one. Julian wouldn't even talk to him all that much anymore.
He gave up. He gave everything up.
It was time to just give up.
That was when Logan opened his eyes and found himself alone, in his room. And for the first time in a while, he asked Derek what was going on with him in his life, and how Julian was.
Derek found this unusual, but he spoke to him. He and Derek talked well into the night, the way they used to in freshman year when there was just nothing but the three of them together, getting their bearings in a world that already wasn't built to hold their strangeness.
At the end, he felt sickened.
He was a self-centered asshole.
Derek's relations were in shambles, and he was under more pressure than ever. And Julian—and Julian, who never even spoke a word about it, the one who kept leading Kurt to Logan, trying to help fix him—Julian's life was being threatened. And Julian didn't care. He was willing to take the risk and spiral down. Logan had not seen any of this. None of this. It was always his problems. He had used his friends as his ballast without being theirs.
And Julian was going to leave Dalton.
Logan was furious when he hurled himself into Julian's room. Derek said no, he grabbed him and told him not to, telling him to let him sleep because that latest message on the steps: it declared war. Julian was scared and stunned and he needed to sleep. Logan had been ragging at him all week and with all the bloody gifts, he needed to be left alone.
Logan didn't want him to be alone.
He shrugged Derek off and threw himself into the room, determined to shake Julian and tell him that he knew—he knew what was happening and why the fucking hell couldn't he have told him?
But he wasn't even across the room when he knew the answer:
Would he have listened?
Would he have cared?
He always did what he wanted, screw the consequences and who it could hurt—
When had he ever cared how it might feel for him?
And he was back again: Freshman year. Afternoon. Julian asleep peacefully on the bed. He wanted to kiss Julian just to see what it would be like, and he did, because it was for himself. He did as he liked.
And here he was again: standing over the same sleeping boy who had been his friend for going on three years now, in his moment of terror now that there was an axe over his head. Possibly a literal one. Alone. Julian was alone.
Just like Logan had been.
Logan sank next to him as Derek reached the door, staring. "Logan?"
"Just…" Logan closed his eyes. Carefully, he slid a hand through Julian's hair, staring at his friend's face. Julian didn't even look afraid anymore. He just looked asleep. Sleeping to forget the world.
Logan smiled very faintly. "Jules…"
"Logan—"
"Just—let me do this!" he hissed to Derek, and his friend went quiet, staring oddly.
Logan turned back to Julian, cupping the side of his face. He searched his expression. "You can't…" Logan whispered. "You can't leave me again, Julian. You can't. I won't let you."
He lowered his head. "You always said that I was selfish. And I'm being selfish again. I can't…I can't change that so easily. I can't let you go. I can't let you leave me again. Every time you go, everything goes to fucking hell. It's been that way for three years. You can't leave me now—everything has fucking gone to hell and I…I can't fix it! I can't. So if you go, it's all over. Can't you…can't you stay still for one minute and just…"
He gave up. He didn't even know what to say.
"…I'm no good without you. You're all I have. Don't you know that?"
He leaned forward and kissed him, long and softly. Derek strode into the room, looking concerned and angry, but he stopped partway, fists clenched. "What are you doing?" he hissed.
Logan didn't hear him. He kissed Julian like it would be the last time.
And he understood everything.
It was Julian. It was always Julian, all this time. He wasn't projecting onto Julian; he was projecting onto everyone else. Even with Kurt. Someone who could butt heads with him when he was angry, someone who stood up to him, who was a diva and a little bit self-absorbed.
All those qualities were what Logan looked for was because those were Julian's qualities that made him so important to Logan. After years of clashing, that was what made sense to Logan, and what he wanted.
It was Julian.
He pulled back, a breath away and still so close, staring at Julian in apology, green eyes filling. "Shit…" he whispered as he searched his face. "…what the hell have I done to you all these years, Jules…?"
"Logan!" Derek hissed.
Logan froze.
Brown eyes slowly opened.
"Oh god…" Derek stared.
Logan just kept staring as Julian opened his eyes and looked at him, looking awake, and not at all angry, or scared, or anything. He just stared at him. Logan's hands shook, and the one in Julian's hair began to pull away…
…until he felt the hand touching his face.
Julian kept staring at him. Logan stared back at him and leaned forward into the touch. "Jules…?"
"Shh…" Julian leaned forward and met his lips partway.
The kiss that resulted was not one Logan was prepared for. It was an exchange between equals, it was three years worth of memories and need. Logan pulled Julian to him, possessive and wanting, as Julian let him take him in silence, as he had always done when he was asleep, as though he knew he needed it.
That beautiful mouth that he'd kissed so often in secret, kissing heatedly back now, Logan wondered why he ever sought elsewhere when it could have been this, all this time.
"Mine…" Logan whispered, not realizing that he did, as he parted from the kiss just so slightly for a moment. Julian's eyes, they turned burnished gold in the lamp light of his bed, and they stared into his green ones fearlessly, the way they had always done.
He seemed to wait for him. The way he had done for three years.
Logan had almost lost this. He could still lose this, after everything that was going on. He held tighter as he realized this.
But Julian just blinked silently and kissed him again, as though trying to assuage him. Logan kept him close, tightly, with no intention of letting go. And Julian didn't seem to mind.
He would make sense of this later.