Unopened Doors
By, Goddess Shinigami
I've knocked on this particular door for so long, but no one ever answers. Heero Yuy has been the object of my obsession, attraction, and love since the day I met him. Something just clicked. Ever since that day, everything I hold for him has grown and I end up loving him more and more everyday. I can't hold it in anymore. I want to tell him so bad. I need to tell him.
Now I sit in our room watching him typing away on that Goddamned machine. I leave so many hints, he just doesn't notice. I wonder if he even knows I exist beyond the battlefield.
"Heero?" I questioned quietly. ". . ." No response as usual. Maybe he didn't hear me. "Heero," I started again. "Shut up, Duo! If you insist on talking to me, leave." Heero yelled at Duo and pointed at the door to the tiny house they had on L 2.
That really hurt. Heero can't you have any feelings at all. I thought as I walked out the door and walked down the street. The first words you say to me in months and you tell me to shut up and leave. I really can't live like this anymore. I have so much love for you and...and ... tears formed in my eyes. Damnit how can you do this to me Heero? I never cry. That's not me. Its not in my nature.
Without thinking my feet lead me to a vid phone booth about three miles from our house. I walked in and deposited sixty cents. The operator came up and I automatically blurted out Qautre's name. The woman dialed the number and in a matter of seconds Quatre was on the screen.
"Duo, what's wrong?" He asked obviously noticing the tear stains on my cheeks. "I...I just can't go on anymore." I said sobbing into my hands clearly shocking Qautre. "Duo, don't do anything drastic. I'm coming to see you." Qautre said "OK, you have till tomorrow afternoon." I said visions of suicide dancing in my head. "Fine. I'll be there by tomorrow morning. Till then." Qautre waved and signed off.
"What am I gonna do?" I said aloud. I can't go back to Heero. I can't stand being with him any longer. I love him so much it hurts and to think that he can't even notice me makes me want to die. I walk to the nearest hotel which is two blocks away and check myself in. I walk to the room and collapse on the bed. The last thought I think before drifting off is how much I love Heero.
I woke the next morning to a sweet smell in the room. It was Quatre waiting with breakfast for me. He must have flown all night to get here from L 4. "Quatre, how did you know I would be here?" I asked as he handed me a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. "I don't know. I was on my way to your house and for some reason I was pulled toward this hotel." He said with a shrug meaning he didn't understand it himself. "I. . .Thank you." I stuttered. "Tell me what's going on, Duo." He said calmly sitting next to me.
"You know I love Heero with all my heart, right?" I asked knowing that I had told him over a million times. He nodded. "Well,. . .I tried to tell him. . .But he told me to leave because I was bothering him. I can't take it anymore. He obviously doesn't feel for me what I feel for him." I sobbed remembering the night before and how Heero's eyes had looked so cold. "It will be okay, Duo." Qautre said putting a comforting arm around me. "No, it wont be okay. I can't hold all this in anymore. It's hard enough as it is. But everytime I even attempt to talk to him he gets all pissed off that I interrupted his precious work on that fucking laptop of his!" I said tears freely falling out of my eyes. "Look, Duo you have to tell him. I'm going to stay right here and you need to go home. I promise I won't leave until I know everything is ok." He said standing up and pulling me with him. "Fine, I will try once more. If he rejects me you know how you'll find me." I said reaching for the door knob. "Please don't. . ." Was the only part of the sentence I heard from Qautre before I shut the door and walked out of the hotel.
Heero please listen to what I've got to say. I really need to tell you this. Please have the same feelings. I thought walking up to the door and rummaging through my pocket for the key. I unlocked the door to find an abandoned laptop and a spotless room. "God, he must have been bored!" I said aloud walking further into the house. I heard a door open and out stepped Heero. "So, your back." He said walking over to the desk and sitting down. "Yes, I have something I want to tell you." I said visions of what he would do to me after I told him going through my head. I was scared. "Fine, since you seem like you want to talk that bad, I'll listen." Heero said narrowing his eyes at me as I sat down on the bed.
"Look, this is not easy for me. I have wanted to tell you this for sometime, but you wouldn't listen to me or I'd be too nervous." I said pausing trying to figure out how to word the next part. "Well, I'm listening now and you better tell me before I change my mind." Heero said coldly. "OK. . .I. . . ever since that day when I met you, I've had this sort of. . .attraction. After a while it grew into. . .into. . .love. Then finally an obsession sorta. All I know is that I love you Heero." I finished looking down at my hands waiting to be punched or something.
"Duo. . . I can't lead you on like this. I don't feel the same way." Heero stated tearing my heart into tinier shreads. "I shouldn't have expected you to feel the same way. I knew you would never love me back." I said standing up and walking over to the door. "Good-bye, Heero." I said knowing it would be the last. Heero just sat there and booted up his laptop as if nothing unusual had happened. I opened the door and walked out onto the sidewalk.
How am I going to do this? I can't go back to that hotel, Quatre's there. So where do I go? I started walking towards the nearest hotel the other way, but decided against it. I don't want to be dead for hours and no one to find me. I walked back to the hotel Quatre was staying at. I had the manager put that room in Quatre's name and checked into another.
Hmmm... I don't want to make a mess for the cleaning people so I'll do it in. . .the shower. I rummaged through the drawers in the bathroom trying to find a razor, but to no avail. I walked out the door and down the stairs to the front desk. "Excuse me, but do you have an extra razor handy." I asked casually. "Yes, yes of course." The man said handing me a brand new one. "Thank you." I said and walked back up the stairs to my room.
I walked into the bathroom and rolled up my sleeves. God, I am so scared. I open the razor and walk over to the shower sitting down in it. I started to pray, the only prayer I knew;
Our Father,
Who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil.
AMEN
I slashed the razor quickly across one wrist. Damn, that hurt more than I expected it to. Then the other. As crimson blood ran down my arm and onto the shower floor I drifted into unconsciousness with the sweet daydream of Heero holding me.
Minutes Later
Quatre woke from his short nap feeling that something was not right. He got up anf walked out the door quickly hurrying down the street to Heero and Duo's small house. He burst through the front door that was open. "Heero, where is Duo?" Quatre asked frantically looking around. "I. . .I told him I didn't feel the same way. . . and he left." Heero stated sounding shocked. "Oh, shit! Heero why would you do that?" Qautre asked. "I. . .I don't know." He said staring at his hands. "I know how were going to find him. I also think I know where he is." Quatre stated running out the door with Heero right on his heels.
They got to the little hotel and the manager greeted the two grim boys with a smile. "May I help you?" He asked looking them up and down. "Uh, yes, what room is Duo Maxwell staying in?" Quatre asked for Heero was unable to speak at that point in time. "He's in room 13. Here is an extra key" The man said handing it to them. They ran up the stairs as fast as they could not wanting to waste any time.
When the got to room 13 it took Quatre about ten tries to get the key in the door to open it. When they finally got in Heero could smell the coppery scent of blood in the air. He walked into the bathroom to find Duo slumped over in the shower with his precious blood flowing down the drain. "Duo!" Heero screamed as he ran to his partner's lifeless body to listen for a heartbeat. "Is he. . .is he. . ." Quatre asked sobbing into his hands wanting to wash the scene from his memory. "No, his heart is still beating. He's still alive. We have to get him to a hospital." Heero said lifting Duo from the shower and carrying him downstairs.
"Do you have a car?" Quatre asked the manager. "Of course, why?" He asked the seeing the lifeless body in Heero's arms immediatly replied "Here, here are the keys go ahead and take it." They both rushed to the car outside. Heero laid Duo carefully in the back seat and sat in the drivers seat waiting for Quatre. As soon as Quatre got in Heero sped away in the direction of the hospital.
When they arrived the people in the emergency room gawked at the two boys carrying a bluing body. A doctor immediately rushed over to them and asked what had happened. "He cut his wrists." Quatre stated frantically as they laid Duo on a stretcher. "He doesn't look too good, but well do the best we can." The doctor said wheeling Duo into the ER.
Heero and Quatre sat down in the waiting room together. "If. . .If. . .he dies. . .it would have been. . .all my fault." Heero said holding back forming tears. "There's no way you could have known. . ." Qautre was cut short by body racking sobs. "I should have told him the truth." Heero stated holding Qautre in his arms trying to calm him down.
Several hours later a doctor came out of the ER. "Are you the people who brought Duo here?" He asked looking at the two boys comforting eachother. Qautre still sobbing and Heero slowly losing the fight to hold back his tears. "Yes, we are." Heero answered standing up. "You may go and see him now. We had to transfuse one and a half pints of blood, but I think he's gonna be alright." He said leading them down the hall to a small room where Duo was hooked to some machines and then leaving them alone.
Heero looked down at the pale body laying in the bed, finally letting all his held back tears go. Quatre walked over, finally calm, and put a hand on Heero's shoulder knowing what he was going through. He had done this with Trowa many times before. Duo tossed and tuned in his state of unconsciousness. Heero just sat there holding his hand the whole time just praying to God that his Duo would be ok.
Heero! Heero! I called but the figure in front of me didn't answer. I thought it was Heero. Who are you? I yelled approaching the figure. I got up next to it and it was just a blurry image, not close to even looking like a human. Tell me who you are. I demanded. Watashi wa Shinigami. Who did you think I was, Kami? It replied taking form. It looked exactly like me except with wings. Why are you here? No, scratch that why am I here? I asked. You tried to take your life. In order for you to live I will have to. . . .Have to what? I would have to coinhabit you body with you current soul. Is there any other way? No, but this way you would not be able to die ever. Well, until you current love dies anyway. You mean. . .I wouldn't die until Heero died? Yes. Ok, as long as you don't like run Heero away. Fine I agree. Shinigami walked up to Duo and dissappeared into his body.
Heero laid his head down on the side of Duo's bed. It had been thirteen days since Duo had been checked in and he was still unconscious. Heero jumped when he felt something moving his hair. Heero sat up to find Duo looking at him. "Your. . .your awake." Heero stated squeezing Duo's hand harder. "Yes, I am and you hurting my hand." I said making Heero laugh. "I am so sorry, Duo. I didn't want to tell you that I didn't feel the same way. I was. . . Well there is no excuse. I did feel the same way, but for some reason i just couldn't tell you." Heero said burying his head in his hands. I struggled to sit up and took Heero's hands away from his face. "As long as you still feel the same way for me. . ." I kissed away a tear from his cheek. "I will be with you forever." I finished. "You. . .you would still. . .after what I did?" Heero said sitting on the edge of the bed. "Yes, I love you Heero. I already told you that once. Just because you hurt me doesn't mean I stopped." I said hugging him trying to get my point across. "Thank you. . .I love you," Heero said then he kissed me and that was the beginning of a new life. A life with Heero.