a/n: Salmakia's posting again? Whoa. whoawhoawhoawhoa...dude. Just another exciting issue of Hyrule's original and most popular tabloid. Hope you like it!
Beyond Necrophilia: Redead Swinger Clubs
Hyrule has always seemed a moral and prosperous kingdom with upstanding citizens, but did you know that just below that unimpeachable surface lurks a dark and disturbing, literally underground culture? That's right. The Hylain Sun has sent its reporters deep into the Shadow Temple at great personal risk to bring you this frightening and exclusive story.
Redead. These living dead who are the creatures of our nightmares are more than what they seem. Sure, they will quickly suck the life out of any living being that comes too close, but did you know that they are also hip swingers? They have a thriving culture based on free love. In the eternal night of the Shadow Temple strobe lights flash and disco music throbs through huge speakers. Everybody parties in every way possible! It is a hip scene that rivals even Termina's swinging period.
"I would have never believed that the dead could party the way they do if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," reports a Hylain Sun editor. "There was some really kinky stuff going on down there. I saw Redead take themselves apart and exchange limbs with one another and then do it half an hour later with someone else. It's really wild."
Unfortunately, our reporters were unable to get any quotes from the Redead themselves because if the living dead knew that the living had invaded their strong hold, they wouldn't have been living for long. Besides, there is no known translation for the shrieking they call a language. However, our exclusive photos are some of the best ever taken of the dead race. We have dedicated an entire two-page spread to these fascinating prints, so you, our readers, may satisfy your morbid curiosity.
Hero's Trial Scheduled for Wednesday
As Hyrule's courts gear up for the most controversial trail in years, private citizens wait anxiously for the results. The Hylain Sun's polls show that 36% of citizens believe that Link should not be imprisoned, and that he will recover with time. 21% think he deserves the death penalty. 5% are undecided. 2% want to see him get together with Princess Zelda and the rest of you obviously don't read the news because you answered: "What trial?", or "What about that thing with Zelda wearing men's underwear?"
Saria, Link's long-time friend and now attorney is optimistic about getting Link off with minimum consequences. She gave us this comment: "Link's fine now. He just...wasn't thinking straight, besides, he killed everyone he hates. I don't think he even wants to kill anyone else." She plans to use a temporary insanity defense when the trail comes, and will rely heavily on Link's reputation as a Hero, and if that doesn't work she can always fall back on his good looks.
Princess Zelda, who will be representing for the prosecution, hopes to see Link imprisoned for life. She doesn't think he will recover from this malady. "He's obviously a psychopath. He has no remorse. When he was told that Navi's remains were found, he just laughed hysterically and asked if he could eat the corpse. We, of course, didn't let him. He's a sick, sick young man."
How will the trial go? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun for up-to-the-minute information and exclusive interviews as the procedures go on.
Fish Crisis
Zoras won't sell fish. That's the latest from Zora's Domain, and bad news for local seafood lovers. Ever since Lord Jabu-Jabu was killed by the Hero of Time, the Zoran Race has been looking in every fish they see for his reincarnation. That's why they won't sell any to the outsiders. All fish in Hyrule are being kept in Zora's Fountain in hopes that one will grow into the gargantuan proportions of the Zora's protective deity. Princess Ruto gave us this comment: "We're waiting for Lord Jabu-Jabu's return. Don't be angry with us because you have no faith." Many Zora's wait anxiously for the return of their god, holding candlelight vigils and extended prayer sessions. Some have adopted a bizarre form of dress that will supposedly lure Jabu-Jabu back to Hyrule. Are the Zora's becoming a cult? Maybe, but one thing's for sure, we'll be short on fish for a while. The Hylain Sun gives its faithful readers this tip: look around in holes, and bring a bottle.
Princess Zelda Does Wear Men's Underwear
That's right. The men's clothing discovered in Princess Zelda's bedroom at Hyrule Castle do, in fact, belong to her, and she wears them. The Hylain Sun has exclusive pictures of her in full-drag regalia. Her male name is Sheik, and apparently she was wearing the men's clothing as a disguise during Gannodorf's reign, and though the Master of Evil has been defeated, Zelda continues to wear the disguise, mainly in drag clubs in Termina. She apparently took second at a competition last week at the infamous Bomber's Club. In first was a drag-queen with purple hair who goes by the name Kafine. Our insiders say that that Kafine is really Kafi, the son of Clock Town's Mayor, who is actually engaged to be married. What will his finance say? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun as we investigate this exciting story.
Moon to Fall in Termina
Maybe Chicken Little was right, that is, if early reports from the nearby land of Termina are correct. Meteorologists say that it appears that the moon is getting larger, a sure sign that it's getting closer, and therefore, likely to fall. They calculate that it would fall directly onto Clock Town, Termina's major city. They think that it will even fall on the night that Termina's famed Festival of Time is to take place.
Our reporters have gotten some exclusive interviews with the residents of Clock Town, as well as inhabitants of other regions of Termina. First, we have an official statement released by the Doutour, the mayor of Clock Town: "We really don't know what is going to happen. I think they want to evacuate the town just to be safe, but others want to be on with the festival. I have a feeling we'll be in negotiations for a long time." While indecision reigns with the town's officials, private citizens have much stronger opinions. The town's banker had this to tell us: "I'm not leaving. Someone might want to make a deposit." Some will want to stay, and others want to evacuate. The entire staff at the Stock Pot Inn has plans to seek refuge at Romani Ranch, Termina's main supplier of milk. It is also where Chateau Romani, the vintage milk with supposedly magical qualities, is produced.
Opinions are divided inside and outside of Clock Town. While our reporters were not willing to brave the mountain winter to get a comment from any Gorons, they did spend a day at the beach talking to Zoras, and, amazingly enough, a Gerudo Pirate. Japas, a member of the famed Zora band, the Indigo-go's, told us this: "Uh, like...something's up. The water is weird and we're not practicing. And dude, have you like seen the moon? It's eyes are red like. I bet it's high. [he laughs] I wonder who'd deal to the moon. Dude, I would." The Gerudo Pirate, oddly enough, didn't say anything to us that was fit to print and avoided the camera quite skillfully, but we got this comment from a local fisherman: "Them pirates is slippery. I've been trying to get a good picture of one for years."
So, will the moon fall in Termina? That's a question no one seems to have a good answer to, but one thing is clear, Termina is need of a Hero. Unfortunately, it has none of it's own and Hyrule's own Hero of Time is unavailable for the lending. (See page one for the continuing story on his trial) Who will save Termina? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun for more on this fascinating story.
Classified Ads
Goron seeks new home for housetrained Dodongo. Must have experience with dragon handling
Gerudo Female looking for roommates, any age, to share studio apartment. Must be willing to cross Haunted Wasteland.
House for sale in Kakariko. Make an offer, but must be willing to live with spider webs
Sell me something please! I will buy anything, but I'm especially fond of bugs and fish
Personal Ads
DGM ISO Hylain Guard to share evenings in Dodogo's Cavern
Sexy, suave KM ISO GF for naughty activates and hopscotch
Big, hungry GoM ISO GoF with big rocks to eat
SZ Princess still ISO HM for LTR and Marriage
Abbreviations
Go Goron Z Zora G Gerudo H Hylain K Kokiri
M Male F Female S Single D Divorced Wi Widowed
LTR Long Term Relationship ISO In Search Of
(Review for me? Please...or I set my tribe of Deku Scrubs on you!)
Beyond Necrophilia: Redead Swinger Clubs
Hyrule has always seemed a moral and prosperous kingdom with upstanding citizens, but did you know that just below that unimpeachable surface lurks a dark and disturbing, literally underground culture? That's right. The Hylain Sun has sent its reporters deep into the Shadow Temple at great personal risk to bring you this frightening and exclusive story.
Redead. These living dead who are the creatures of our nightmares are more than what they seem. Sure, they will quickly suck the life out of any living being that comes too close, but did you know that they are also hip swingers? They have a thriving culture based on free love. In the eternal night of the Shadow Temple strobe lights flash and disco music throbs through huge speakers. Everybody parties in every way possible! It is a hip scene that rivals even Termina's swinging period.
"I would have never believed that the dead could party the way they do if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," reports a Hylain Sun editor. "There was some really kinky stuff going on down there. I saw Redead take themselves apart and exchange limbs with one another and then do it half an hour later with someone else. It's really wild."
Unfortunately, our reporters were unable to get any quotes from the Redead themselves because if the living dead knew that the living had invaded their strong hold, they wouldn't have been living for long. Besides, there is no known translation for the shrieking they call a language. However, our exclusive photos are some of the best ever taken of the dead race. We have dedicated an entire two-page spread to these fascinating prints, so you, our readers, may satisfy your morbid curiosity.
Hero's Trial Scheduled for Wednesday
As Hyrule's courts gear up for the most controversial trail in years, private citizens wait anxiously for the results. The Hylain Sun's polls show that 36% of citizens believe that Link should not be imprisoned, and that he will recover with time. 21% think he deserves the death penalty. 5% are undecided. 2% want to see him get together with Princess Zelda and the rest of you obviously don't read the news because you answered: "What trial?", or "What about that thing with Zelda wearing men's underwear?"
Saria, Link's long-time friend and now attorney is optimistic about getting Link off with minimum consequences. She gave us this comment: "Link's fine now. He just...wasn't thinking straight, besides, he killed everyone he hates. I don't think he even wants to kill anyone else." She plans to use a temporary insanity defense when the trail comes, and will rely heavily on Link's reputation as a Hero, and if that doesn't work she can always fall back on his good looks.
Princess Zelda, who will be representing for the prosecution, hopes to see Link imprisoned for life. She doesn't think he will recover from this malady. "He's obviously a psychopath. He has no remorse. When he was told that Navi's remains were found, he just laughed hysterically and asked if he could eat the corpse. We, of course, didn't let him. He's a sick, sick young man."
How will the trial go? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun for up-to-the-minute information and exclusive interviews as the procedures go on.
Fish Crisis
Zoras won't sell fish. That's the latest from Zora's Domain, and bad news for local seafood lovers. Ever since Lord Jabu-Jabu was killed by the Hero of Time, the Zoran Race has been looking in every fish they see for his reincarnation. That's why they won't sell any to the outsiders. All fish in Hyrule are being kept in Zora's Fountain in hopes that one will grow into the gargantuan proportions of the Zora's protective deity. Princess Ruto gave us this comment: "We're waiting for Lord Jabu-Jabu's return. Don't be angry with us because you have no faith." Many Zora's wait anxiously for the return of their god, holding candlelight vigils and extended prayer sessions. Some have adopted a bizarre form of dress that will supposedly lure Jabu-Jabu back to Hyrule. Are the Zora's becoming a cult? Maybe, but one thing's for sure, we'll be short on fish for a while. The Hylain Sun gives its faithful readers this tip: look around in holes, and bring a bottle.
Princess Zelda Does Wear Men's Underwear
That's right. The men's clothing discovered in Princess Zelda's bedroom at Hyrule Castle do, in fact, belong to her, and she wears them. The Hylain Sun has exclusive pictures of her in full-drag regalia. Her male name is Sheik, and apparently she was wearing the men's clothing as a disguise during Gannodorf's reign, and though the Master of Evil has been defeated, Zelda continues to wear the disguise, mainly in drag clubs in Termina. She apparently took second at a competition last week at the infamous Bomber's Club. In first was a drag-queen with purple hair who goes by the name Kafine. Our insiders say that that Kafine is really Kafi, the son of Clock Town's Mayor, who is actually engaged to be married. What will his finance say? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun as we investigate this exciting story.
Moon to Fall in Termina
Maybe Chicken Little was right, that is, if early reports from the nearby land of Termina are correct. Meteorologists say that it appears that the moon is getting larger, a sure sign that it's getting closer, and therefore, likely to fall. They calculate that it would fall directly onto Clock Town, Termina's major city. They think that it will even fall on the night that Termina's famed Festival of Time is to take place.
Our reporters have gotten some exclusive interviews with the residents of Clock Town, as well as inhabitants of other regions of Termina. First, we have an official statement released by the Doutour, the mayor of Clock Town: "We really don't know what is going to happen. I think they want to evacuate the town just to be safe, but others want to be on with the festival. I have a feeling we'll be in negotiations for a long time." While indecision reigns with the town's officials, private citizens have much stronger opinions. The town's banker had this to tell us: "I'm not leaving. Someone might want to make a deposit." Some will want to stay, and others want to evacuate. The entire staff at the Stock Pot Inn has plans to seek refuge at Romani Ranch, Termina's main supplier of milk. It is also where Chateau Romani, the vintage milk with supposedly magical qualities, is produced.
Opinions are divided inside and outside of Clock Town. While our reporters were not willing to brave the mountain winter to get a comment from any Gorons, they did spend a day at the beach talking to Zoras, and, amazingly enough, a Gerudo Pirate. Japas, a member of the famed Zora band, the Indigo-go's, told us this: "Uh, like...something's up. The water is weird and we're not practicing. And dude, have you like seen the moon? It's eyes are red like. I bet it's high. [he laughs] I wonder who'd deal to the moon. Dude, I would." The Gerudo Pirate, oddly enough, didn't say anything to us that was fit to print and avoided the camera quite skillfully, but we got this comment from a local fisherman: "Them pirates is slippery. I've been trying to get a good picture of one for years."
So, will the moon fall in Termina? That's a question no one seems to have a good answer to, but one thing is clear, Termina is need of a Hero. Unfortunately, it has none of it's own and Hyrule's own Hero of Time is unavailable for the lending. (See page one for the continuing story on his trial) Who will save Termina? Stay tuned to the Hylain Sun for more on this fascinating story.
Classified Ads
Goron seeks new home for housetrained Dodongo. Must have experience with dragon handling
Gerudo Female looking for roommates, any age, to share studio apartment. Must be willing to cross Haunted Wasteland.
House for sale in Kakariko. Make an offer, but must be willing to live with spider webs
Sell me something please! I will buy anything, but I'm especially fond of bugs and fish
Personal Ads
DGM ISO Hylain Guard to share evenings in Dodogo's Cavern
Sexy, suave KM ISO GF for naughty activates and hopscotch
Big, hungry GoM ISO GoF with big rocks to eat
SZ Princess still ISO HM for LTR and Marriage
Abbreviations
Go Goron Z Zora G Gerudo H Hylain K Kokiri
M Male F Female S Single D Divorced Wi Widowed
LTR Long Term Relationship ISO In Search Of
(Review for me? Please...or I set my tribe of Deku Scrubs on you!)