What I want is Him
by Trycee
Time Line: Between Season 6 and Season 7
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files, this is written for fun not profit.
Scully reached into her purse and pulled out her ringing cell phone. "Mulder, I can't come over tonight...I just ran into an old friend of mine," she said, pulling up to her apartment.
Mulder became very alarmed. "What type of friend, Scully?"
She rolled her eyes and breathed heavily into the phone. "Mulder, my friend ELLEN from College. I'm her son's god mother or at least I was..."
She hadn't seen her friend since the first year she began working on the X-File and was pleasantly surprised to run into her at the grocery store just a half an hour before. Mulder had quickly took over her life and become her only friend and all the others seemed to fall in the background. She had always felt a little guilty about that but until she had ran into Ellen she hadn't even been aware of their isolation from others. She couldn't even recall how old her god son was now."
"What god son? What friend Ellen, Scully?"
She had long stopped being offended by Mulder's prodding into her personal life. He felt entitled to know which would normally anger her but she knew that deep down, she felt the same way he did. She too felt entitled to know his friends, and his past relationships, like Diana who was a constant reminder to her that she and Mulder were "still only friends".
"Scully?"
"Hmm?', she said, a little startled. "Hmm?"
"You were saying..."
"Oh...that I'll be home. She's getting a babysitter and we're gonna talk. You know...do girl things."
There was an awkward silence before Mulder in a more serious tone spoke into the phone. "Scully, is there gonna be male strippers?"
She tried to stifle a laugh. "Mulder!"
He was still very quiet. "No Mulder, no strippers. This isn't a bachelorette party."
"Its just..." he began. "I never heard you mention her before."
"Mulder, I have other friends," she lied.
"Not once can I recall you mentioning her, Scully!"
"I have!", she said defensively. "I know I have. I went to her son's birthday party when we first started working together, remember?"
"No," he said, quietly.
Scully knew from the tone of his voice that he was troubled. Mulder was very possessive of her, it was something she'd accepted about him years before after her abduction. He had lost so much in his life that he clung to her just as she clung to him. She was the only thing he had and anyone intruding upon that was considered a threat. They were alike in that way. She knew she viewed any woman...all women as potential threats when it came to Mulder. She wasn't ashamed to admit it to herself. She had just cause especially with Diana lurking around. It was bad enough she had to brush past Diana in the hallways of the FBI with that look on her face...the look that told another woman, "I've had what you want!" It was enough to make her blood boil.
"Mulder," she spoke, trying to lightened his mood. "Mulder, its okay to share! You can share me with others," she laughed.
"Scully, I could never share you!"
His tone was so deadly serious it caught her off guard. "Mulder..."
"You'll be home, right?", he asked.
"Mulder, you better not show up here! I'm armed and I'll shoot you if you do!"
"I won't." he sighed.
"You okay, Mulder?"
He sounded so lonely she had to resist starting her car and driving over to his apartment. "Mulder?"
"Call me when you're done, Scully."
"I will, Mulder. You promise, your okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be watching a movie..."
She knew that meant he expected her to come by when she was done with her girl time. "Okay."
"Have fun...but not too much fun."
"Alright, Mulder. I'll call you in a little bit..."
Ellen knocked on the door right on time, and Scully opened it. Scully was still dressed in a blue business suit and slacks and Ellen was dressed in a short dress, Scully would characterize as 'mom-clothes'. She took note of her own wardrobe that she wore to work and it was definitely 'working-woman wear'...'single working woman' she thought to herself. Ellen had given up her career to have a family, to be a wife and mother. She noticed that her friend beamed from an inner source of happiness, she could not quite figure out. They hugged and Ellen handed her a home baked lasagna.
"I can't believe you didn't want pizza, " Ellen said, surprised. "We used to live off that stuff, remember?"
"I still do...", Scully smiled. "My partner...he tends to never get bored with pizza."
"Oh...same partner from before?", Ellen said seating herself on the couch.
"Same one...", Scully smiled. She walked to the kitchen and grabbed two wine glasses, two plates and a bottle of chilled wine. "I tell you, this lasagna smells good."
"I always make two...", Ellen beamed. "I could give you the recipe."
Scully sighed. "When would I have the time to make it?"
Ellen and Scully glanced at each other. They had been so close in the past and now they sat on the couch, sipping on their wine, as near strangers. Scully sliced a piece of lasagna and handed it to her guest. She sliced a piece for herself and dug into it. They smiled and relaxed, their conversation lost for a moment. Scully cleaned up and returned with more wine.
"Okay...now that we've eaten," Ellen smiled. "Let's dish...I haven't seen you in years...What have you been up too?"
"Well, I have been working...Mulder and I are usually out in the field all week...we investigate unusual cases. We travel a lot...I've lost touch with you...even with my family...you can ask my mom, if you want," she said, looking sincerely at her friend. "Mulder and I don't get out much."
"So you travel all week...I figured you had a stressful job. Dana, these things happen...you don't have to apologize."
Scully turned her eyes toward her friend. "Its almost like a new life, really. My former life I was Dana...I almost don't recognize that name any more...the only one that calls me that now is my family."
Ellen looked confused, so Scully continued. "Mulder calls me Scully...Its my name...its my identity now. I call him Mulder...he calls me Scully...after all we're partners...but we never use our first names...ever."
"Really?"
Scully poured them another glass of wine. She took a sip and then nodded to her friend. "I know it sounds weird but it works..."
"Have you realized that you've mentioned his name probably about a hundred times?", Ellen said, her eyebrows raised.
"Have I?", Scully said surprised. "I didn't realize that...I guess I'm out of touch with girl talk...I'm afraid I don't know how to do it any more..."
"Don't try to change the subject, Dana. Whats up with this Mulder...is he the one I told you to date before and you called him a jerk?"
"He's not a jerk," she smiled shyly. "And we're not dating..."
"Why not?"
"Mulder and I are partners...we can't..."
"Oh come on...obviously you have a huge crush on him...I can see it in your eyes...the way you say his name!"
Scully looked down, a grin spreading on her lips. "Okay...Okay...you got me...I have a crush on my partner."
"And?", Ellen asked, snuggling up to a sofa pillow. "Come on, don't hold back..."
"And nothing...there's nothing to tell..."
"You don't think he likes you, Dana?"
Scully had a far off look in her eye. "Sometimes...", she nearly whispers. "But Mulder's not the type."
"What do you mean he's not the type? To what date or marry?"
"Either...", she said sadly.
"Why is that?", Ellen prodded.
"He told me he loved me once...I almost believed him though I'm sure he didn't know what he was saying...he was recovering in the hospital...", she said, with all seriousness. "He and I have had a rough time lately...a lot of things have gone wrong between us and I'm not sure where I stand..."
Ellen could see that Scully was very much in pain. She reached out and grabbed Scully's hand. "You've been holding this in a long time, haven't you? We used to talk out everything...let's talk this out..."
Scully nodded and then smiled an appreciative smile at her friend. "Okay...I suspected that I had cancer..."
Ellen gasped and gripped her hand tighter. "Dana...I didn't know..."
"It's okay...I'm in remission. I'm fine, really," she said, reassuringly. "But back then...I was kind of angry...I went on a date with a man that nearly killed me. Mulder didn't take it well..."
"What do you mean?"
"There was a division between us...I felt guilty for going on a date with this man...and he blamed himself...like he was driving me away from him...we don't really discuss our feelings towards each other but he was angry with me...like I cheated on him...but we weren't together...we aren't together now...but then I found out I had cancer and it brought us together...he was terrified of losing me."
"Oh Dana..."
"Just when we're getting back to where we need to be...in steps his ex...Diana."
"Ohhh, Ex, hunh?"
"She's an FBI agent...I believe she was his wife at one point though he never told me that...", she said, her eyes glossed over. "Its like he's in a spell when he's around her...He doesn't know I exist then...I believe she's trying to get him back..."
Scully looked up suddenly as if she had forgotten who she was speaking too, but Ellen was sitting there, rubbing her hand over hers. "Does he know how you feel Dana?"
She shook her head no. "I can't tell him that...not right now. "
"Why not?"
"He's my best friend...we work together...that's probably why they transferred Diana."
"That's an excuse an you know it!", Ellen stated setting her wine glass down. "You keep on and you'll explode like a grenade..."
Scully raised her eyebrow and Ellen giggled. "I'm up to my ears with kids so excuse me when I speak-KID! That is another thing, Dana...if you don't tell him you can't get married and have babies and go car pooling with me!"
Scully smiled momentarily and then stood up and reached into her desk, fishing for a photo. She pulled out the photo and rubbed her finger over the face that stared back at her. She sat back down and then handed the photo to Ellen.
"She's so cute...is she? Dana...you had a child?"
"My daughter Emily..."
Ellen looked surprised but then her face turned to anger. "You had a child and didn't tell me, Dana?"
Scully shook her head. "Ellen, I'm sorry...I lost contact with you...But...My daughter died..."
Ellen reached out and grabbed her shoulders and pulled her towards her. "Dana, my god...when?"
"She was three years old...", Scully said with her voice breaking.
"Is that why you won't tell him, Dana? Did he have a problem with you having a child or is it his child?"
"No!", Scully said. "Mulder and I have never been together."
"Oh! So did he not accept your daughter, is that it?"
"Actually, he was wonderful...", she said, with tears tracing her eyes.
"Then what is it Dana? What's keeping you from telling him that you love him."
"Love him?", she said, stunned. "Love him?"
Ellen shook her head and then grabbed Scully by the shoulders. "To be so smart and so silly...Yes, you are in love with him. I can see that and he's not even here. What are you two like together I wonder?"
Scully blushed. "Is it that obvious?"
"Ahh, duh, Dana! You love him! So what's holding you up?"
"I'm afraid...", she admitted. "I could lose him if I tell him...what if he doesn't feel the same?"
"Impossible!"
"No, really...You don't see what I see. How he looks at her...like he wishes they'd worked out."
"Okay...tell me how he looks at you..."
Scully settled back against the back of the couch. "He stares at me for hours," she blushed. "He doesn't think I know...but while I'm typing 'our' report, he's eating sunflower seeds and staring at me...He also looks in my eyes, or at my hair when he speaks to me..."
"See! What else? Does he touch you in any way?"
Scully smiled. "Yes...he leans into me, he talks to me right up in my face...at first it surprised me but its so intimate like he wants to kiss me...we could be talking about mutilated bodies and yet he's leaning into me...right next to me...He puts his hand on my back, he touches my shoulders...my face...he holds my hand...and we almost kissed once..."
"What more did you need?", Ellen said throwing her hands in the air. "He loves you too Dana."
"What about her?", she said, bewildered. "What about the Bitch that stole his soul?"
Ellen looked surprised. "Wow...you really hate her don't you?"
"I do...", she said, sipping on the wine. "I'm afraid he'd go back with her. I'm afraid he loves me like his partner or friend but truly loves her..."
"Tell him Dana..."
"No!", Scully said, shaking her head. "I gave him an ultimatum in a way and he didn't choose me...", she said.
"Oh, Dana!", her friend said again. "Dana, what do you want? Really...answer me...what do you really want?"
"What I want...", Scully said, closing her eyes to cut off the tears. "I want him..."
"Then tell him that! What will happen if you do?"
"I can be rejected...terminated...transferred...lose my best friend, the man I love..."
"And if you don't say something...what could happen?"
"I don't know..."
"The same thing! What if he went into the arms of another woman while you're not saying anything, Dana."
Scully's phone rang, she knew it was Mulder before she could answer the phone. "Mulder, whats wrong?"
"Whats taking so long, Scully?"
Scully's cheeks reddened. "Mulder... I have the right to talk to my friend..."
"I didn't say you didn't...I just need you to come over here...I need you Scully."
Ellen glanced at her watch. "Well...I've got to go anyway...We'll catch up another day, right?"
"Of course...", Scully smiled. She walked Ellen to the door. They hugged again and Ellen walked out. She then picked up the cell phone again. "Mulder?"
"Scully...please, just come over here."
"I'm on my way..."
Scully grabbed her purse and her gun and raced off to Mulder's apartment. Within a few minutes she had pulled up, and raced up the steps, and then up the elevator to her partners apartment. She knocked frantically for a few seconds before she could hear him shuffling around inside. "Mulder, its me...open up!"
When he opened the door, Scully immediately placed a hand on his forehead, expecting a fever. Mulder slid his hand on top of hers and held it there staring deep into her concerned eyes. She could see there was something else in Mulder's eyes and she snatched her hand away letting it fall to her side and diverted her eyes. Mulder reached out and grazed her hand with his fingers and then gripped them firmly pulling her into his apartment. "Come in, Scully."
"Mulder, what's wrong? You had me worried?", she said, looking him over, checking his head and running her fingers through his hair, looking for bumps or bruises.
Mulder slid in back of her and placed a hand on the small of her back which made her jump and then he moved her over to the couch. "Sit Scully!", he commanded.
She looked around nervously but his apartment was exactly the way it always was except his tape collection had been put away, she noticed. "Mulder is everything alright?"
"It's great!", he said, sitting down from her. "Ready to watch a movie?
Scully flashed with anger. "Mulder, you drag me over here for a movie?"
"Actually...no," he slurred.
"You're drunk, aren't you?"
He pulled out the bottle of vodka he had hidden behind a stack of books. "A little...", he smiled. "Want any?"
"You only drink when you're worried about something...Mulder, what are you worried about?"
Mulder shook his head. "You're busy with your friends...I didn't want to disturb you."
Scully reached out a hand and touched his face. "Mulder...why do you get so afraid I'm going to leave you? Why are you so afraid I'm not going to be your friend? Why are you so secure in everything else but insecure with you and me?"
He was silent. She watched him as he sat back and stared up at the ceiling. "I don't know," he said, solemnly. "I'm very insecure about you and me..."
Scully looked down at her hands. "So am I sometimes..."
"You are?", he said, turning to her.
Scully could see the intensity in his eyes. He conveyed all his feelings in his eyes like a window into his soul. She known a long time that she was his weakness. She knew he had feelings but she needed to know if it was love... It wasn't easy for her to express her feelings either but she knew she had to try. "Yes but Mulder, I'm not going any where. You need me. You told me that once, remember? I need you...Where would I go? What would I do without you Mulder?"
Mulder reached out and pulled her close to him and then wrapped his arms around her shoulders. They're foreheads touched and she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "You okay, now Mulder?"
"Yeah," he said, releasing her. "I'm better...I'm almost sober...now."
She smiled. "Okay...Mulder, you got me over here...what movie were you dying to watch?"
He chuckled. "A movie I bet you've never seen before..."
"Oh?", she giggled. "What? And it better not be rated XXX!", she warned.
Mulder blushed and Scully's eyes lit up, watching him squirm a bit. "It's on the up and up, Scully!", he said with a laugh. "Wanna order a pizza?"
"Mulder, pizza's not a food group!"
He settled back and touched her hand. She looked at him but he kept his eyes on the t.v. She then slid her hand into his and she could hear him exhale. "You're not hungry, Scully?" he said, still not looking at her.
"Ellen made lasagna."
"OH and you didn't bring me any! Some friend you are!", he said, glancing shyly in her direction.
"Mulder...you're so cute when you're embarrassed."
Mulder's face became frozen. She looked curiously at him. "Mulder? Mulder?"
He then turned towards her and she began to squirm in her seat. She coughed but he was still staring with longing in his eyes. "Scully..."
"Yeah?", she asked nervously and shifting in her seat.
"What toppings do you want on your pizza?"
Relief washed over her face, she then giggled and then slapped his arm. "You goof ball! Whatever you want...I'll just pick at your piece!"
"Oh no you won't!", he said, grabbing up the phone. "I share with no one, you should know that by now!"
"I do know that by now," she smiled.
"Maybe I'll share with you," he said, again capturing her attention with his eyes.
"You better...", she said, breaking his gaze.
She settled back into the couch and they glanced shyly at each other a few times as he called in the pizza. He stood up and popped in the movie. Scully hit him on the knee.."Not this again, Mulder...I thought you said it was something I haven't seen..."
"You've seen it...but now watch it with a critical eye...Scully, its the Three Stoogies, they're a classic..."
She grinned widely, contemplating him. "Same ole Mulder...same stuff...if you changed Mulder, I wouldn't know what to do with myself."
"Same here!", he spoke in a low tone.
She looked again into his eyes and there it was, she thought. No doubts at all...he did love her, she thought. He absolutely did...And maybe, just maybe one day she'd be brave enough to let him know she loved him too.
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