FOREWORD: I do not own Azumanga Daioh or any of its characters, or the right to talk about the genitalia of any kind in a fan fiction for the sweetest, most heartwarming series I've ever seen, and I would like to formally apologize to Kiyohiko Azuma for pretty much all of the fan fictions I've ever written about his series. Really.

"Well, what are you doing here?" Tomo replied.

"You know how there's no one here, because the school is getting torn down tomorrow?" Osaka said.

"Yeah."

"Then there's no one to complain if I come in and get some things, right?" she said. "After all, who would be in an empty, abandoned school, the day before it's destroyed?"

"Us." Tomo said. "What are you getting? Please don't tell me that rumor about the still in the basement is true."

Osaka, a little offended, shrank back, showing the large paper bag in her hand. "No! of course not! The janitor took that home years ago because Kimura-san drank pretty much a gallon of fluid from it, which literally forced his liver to jump up his esophagus and throttle his brain to death. Plus, it was Yukari running the bootlegging business, not me. I was just the delivery girl." she explained.

Tomo scratched her head. "I don't…remember any of that. Are you sure that's what happened?"

"No." Osaka replied honestly. "I'm not. What's my name?"

Tomo shrugged. "Beats me. Wanna go see if any racoons stashed food in the pool? Because I don't really remember the last time I ate. Hell, I don't remember how I got here."

"Neither do I." Osaka replied. "I guess that that's new for you, though."

"I wouldn't know. Let's go fight old candy away from raccoons by the pool." Tomo said, putting her arm around her old friend's shoulder.

"I can't imagine wanting anything else." Osaka said. "Hey, can I ask a question?"

"Sure can, buddy-a'-mine." Tomo replied.

"Why are you naked?"

"Haven't the foggiest. Why are you wearing a duck suit?"

"Because ducks are awesome. Would you like to hear about the millenia-spanning arms race in duck genitalia?" Osaka said.

"Never. Wait…yeah."

Outside, an hour or so later, they lay side by side, trying to create new constellations in their minds, though slightly fogged by the contents of the hip flask they found monogrammed "Yukari".

"And that one…looks like…a dick." Tomo pronounced, squinting.

"That's what you said for the last one! That's cheating!" Osaka protested.

"Hey, is it my fault that I have a disease that makes me see penises everywhere! Huh! Is it!" Tomo asked angrily.

"Is that even true?" Osaka wondered, more to herself than anyone else.

"Eh, no. I'm bored."

Osaka adjusted her brand new, slightly red around the edges raccoonskin cap. "Wanna make a giant robot model out of raccoon corpses?"

"No. never. I will never, ever want to do that, through my whole life, no matter how long I live. No. just…no." Tomo said. "We're making a giant dick out of those dead, skinned raccoons, because that's how I roll."

"Eh. Hey, we should catch a Tanuki sometime." Osaka again, changing the subject like a couch potato changing channels.

"The heck do you mean, 'sometime'? let's catch one now! I don't even know what that is, but-"

"You remember that hayao miyazaki film? I forget what it was called, but there were Tanuki in that. Actually, I'm not sure what they are, beyond being raccoons with inflatable balls." Osaka recounted.

"I," Tomo replied after standing still in awe for thirty seconds, "Cannot imagine a life where I do not consider it my duty to find one of those. Actually, ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a pet with giant balls. I think it was so that the other kids wouldn't pick on me. I don't know how that works."

"Makes perfect sense." Osaka nodded. "Hey, remember the time when I called Sakaki an American in the locker room?"

Tomo's faced scrunched together, reluctantly squeezing out an "yyyeeeeeeaaaaaah….I guess I do." she looked down. "Still Japanese, huh?"

"Yep." responded Osaka after hardly a second of thought.

"rats. Hey, wanna know why I brought these garbage bags full of alcohol that I didn't mention before with me!" Tomo suddenly exclaimed.

"Are you an alcoholic?" Osaka guessed. "That's so cool!"

"What? No. kicked the habit years ago. See, I've always admired Vikings for their funerals, and not just because I love fire: because it cleans the world of superfluous bits of biomass, leaving behind only the memories and the things that matter. And, because gangsta rappers pour out a glass of whiskey for a fallen compatriot, I naturally combined the concepts here. By the way, I quit my job earlier today."

"Left the police?"

"Yep. Done. Turned in my gun and my badge. I kept the car, though, because long after I'm dead, my finger will still be activating that siren, and they'll have to pry my hands off the wheel."

"Like the car?" Osaka asked.

"I like turning on the sirens and lights to scare the crap out of everyone else on the road." she replied. "Hey, if it makes them better drivers… how are things going with your chosen profession?"

"I stepped down today, actually." Osaka said, slightly more focused than normal. "I was tired of being boss. Also my subordinates didn't support my distaste for killing. It would only be a matter of time before there was a revolt, but they were more than happy to let me step down and travel somewhere else."

"Our childhood home."

"Yes."

Tomo, her eyes a little more wary, all unnecessary movements gone, said "I wasn't aware that the Yakuza was all that good about letting people go just like that."

Osaka shrugged. "When I left, in the way I left, it created a power vacuum. All anyone cares about is who fills it, not who left."

Tomo's expression softened, and she put an arm around her old friend, happy at last to call her a friend again.

"Ayumu?" She asked.

"Yes, Tomo?"

"It's ten minutes till midnight. Wanna set the place on fire?"

"I absolutely do."

"And that," Tomo finished, a little faded but still raw through her cane and gray-streaked hair, "Is the story of how the Kasuga-Takino detective agency began." she stood on a table to lecture the new recruits, quietly kicking herself for not building a stage in her office. It would have gone so well with the desk. "I'll take questions now."

Osaka, sitting folded-legged in the front row, raised her hand. "It was a good idea that I used the hundred and fifty million yen or so I saved from my criminal enterprises to buy the land, right?"

Tomo smiled a little. "Yes, Ayumu, but it really would have been better to buy it before we lit the whole place on fire."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Happy New Year, everyone!

Hey, if you feel like it, please let me know whether to turn Osaka and Tomo's adventures as detectives into a series.

Thank you for stopping by, and again, Happy New Year!