"Cal?"

"Yes darlin'?"

"Remember how when, last month, you asked me..." She trailed off and Cal waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts properly and start again. "When I had the miscarriage. You asked me why I had gone to see my fertility doctor and if I was hoping..."

Cal waited but she didn't say anything else. It had been a month now since the miscarriage and this was the first conversation they'd had about it in several weeks. Cal didn't think she wanted to talk about it anymore. He was surprised she was bringing it up now but glad she felt she could still talk to him about it. He liked talking to her. If he wasn't allowed to read her face he wanted for her to tell him what was going on in her head. Much like she wanted him to do the same.

"Why do we always have these conversations in the dark?" He complained flippantly, knowing full well why. It was so she could have an even playing field.

"So you can't read too much into them," Gillian responded lightly. She sounded amused.

"Are you askin' me if I want to try for a baby afta all?"

Gillian paused for a second before answering him. "I don't really know what I'm asking. I just know I think about it all the time."

"I know you do sweetheart," Cal said gently. He trailed his hand down her arm to lace his fingers in hers. She gave his hand a tight squeeze. The truth was, he had been thinking about it too. When they made love... and they were so wrapped up in each other, and he came inside her, he couldn't help but think of the possibilities.

"I'm not asking you to make a sudden decision. I'm not even sure that I'm asking you. I just think I need to talk about it."

And Cal was flattered that she was talking to him. She could have gone to Casey, friend and psychologist extraordinaire. He had come to realise that talking was very important for Gillian. "All right then, let's talk about it," Cal agreed. "I think it's a cruel joke that you haven't been able to be a mutha."

"Hmm," Gillian responded. "I feel like my time is up but I just can't let it go."

"I don't think you should let it go," Cal said firmly. He had spent time thinking about this too, the possibilities; their options. Except he didn't know how to broach the subject, so he didn't bring it up first. It was a very, very delicate situation.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think we should give IVF a go or try adoption again." Cal took the plunge. He knew they were just 'talking' but he couldn't stop himself from being enthusiastic.

"We?"

"You didn't expect me to bail on you again did you? Not now that we're married. Not afta the last time."

"No," Gillian answered honestly. "But I wondered how enthusiastic you would be about it. You made your position pretty clear last time."

Cal suppressed a squirm of uncomfortableness. If he regretted just one thing in his entire life...

"Not trying to accuse you, just trying to talk," Gillian's quiet voice came again from her pillow.

"I know. But I still feel shit that I did that to you."

"Cal," Gillian's voice held a warning.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Cal interrupted. "We're not goin' ova it again."

"Thank you."

"I know I said I'd raised my family and now with Em in Boston that's even true-a. But darlin', when you're so in love with someone like I am with you, and you make love with someone like we do, I can't help but think about what we could create togetha; a baby, anotha person out of pure love. That's somethin' magical."

Gillian was silent for a long time and Cal fought the urge to turn the light on. She held his hand tightly beneath the covers. Her words were emotional when they came through the darkness again. "You really feel that way?"

"Yeah I do."

"Do you want to try for a baby?" She sounded hopeful but mostly cautious, as if she wasn't quite sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"I think we should definitely look in to it."

"Are you hedging?"

"Nah. I'm tryin' to be practical. There are certainly fertility issues..."

"You mean me," Gillian cut in.

"I don't know what IVF entails exactly. Hormone injects and embryo implants. But I don't know what that means specifically to your issues or how I would fit in to that. And then, I guess, we do have to consida time."

"It's against us," Gillian noted evenly.

Cal smiled in the dark. "Well, it's definitely countin' down. I can undastand how your biological clock must be loud in your ear."

"You know there are age limits on IVF."

"As far as I see it you can get pregnant until you hit menopause. And you're several good years away from that."

"The doctor's," Gillian clarified, sounding amused again. "They have rules."

"So we find a docta who's willin' to bend the rules."

"That sounds right up your alley."

Cal grinned in the dark. "Or there's adoption," Cal tried again. He wanted to build her excitement up to his level, to try and instil some hope. He didn't like how dejected her voice sounded. He was serious about this. It felt like a good idea. And she wasn't saying no. She wasn't talking him down from the ledge. "We can do it togetha; might increase our chances."

"Not when you're in your late forties and I'm in my mid forties and there are nice young couples in their twenties with their whole lives to offer."

Finally, the rest of the reason why the adoption agency had said 'no' to her. It wasn't just that she was too old by their standards. It was that she was older than most eligible couples and single.

Cal wasn't sure he had a response to that so left the comment hanging. How was he going to argue against that? "So that means IVF is our only option."

"Has this conversation suddenly become serious?" She sounded unsure. At least a conversation in the dark was a good exercise in trying to read tone of voice. Cal thought he detected a hint of hope in there too.

"As serious as you want it to be."

"Really?"

"Yeah really."

Gillian's fingers tightened against his. "Cal."

"I mean it Gill. You can take this as serious as you want to. You want to, I'm there. You don't want to, I'm ok with that too."

She didn't answer, but her fingers still had a death grip on his hand.

"Tell me what's involved," Cal prompted gently. "With IVF. Tell me what went wrong with Alec. How far did you two actually get?" He had known she was trying for a baby at the time but he had never known the details. Not even after years and years of trying. That was the one thing she had never elaborated on: her marriage with Alec. He had tried to piece things together, pressed her because he had been curious and nosey; not just because it was his nature but because she had remained silent on the subject. Gillian was certainly a loyal person.

Cal felt her shift on the mattress next to him. She gave a small sigh. "We did a cycle."

"Just one?"

"We didn't have a lot of money. I still had student loans and Alec was just starting to build his career. And so was I. We had just bought a house..."

"So what happened?" Cal prompted hoping she would tell him everything.

"It didn't work obviously."

Cal wasn't sure if he should laugh or not. Her tone was very matter-of-fact. Again, he resisted the urge to turn the lamp on. "Did you get pregnant?"

"No."

"The embryo's didn't implant?"

"No." A pause. "I thought you didn't know anything about it?"

"I might not know all the details, but I know how babies are made."

Another pause. "That was it."

"So you went from that to adoption?"

"Years later," Gillian clarified. Then she seemed to change the subject. "Alec didn't like that it was so invasive anyway."

"What's he on about?" Cal asked confused. "It wasn't like they were stickin' him with needles." Cal hated how selfish Alec came across. Alec didn't like the invasive nature of IVF. He had to jack off in to a plastic cup and he found that invasive? When Gillian probably had all kinds of procedures to deal with. They had adopted a baby girl, the mother changed her mind and he didn't want to talk about it? Ever. Then, instead of working through his problems with his amazing wife, he had taken up his cocaine habit and pushed her even further away. What was wrong with the guy? What was wrong with Cal? He had been just as selfish, telling her he couldn't have another family. Cal hated to think of himself somewhere in the same league as Alec.

"No," Gillian agreed. "They weren't sticking him with needles."

However, this wasn't about getting one up on Alec. This was about Gillian and Cal and their lives. But if Cal ever saw Alec again he was going to shake his hand and thank him for screwing up because now Cal had Gillian and he didn't plan on ever letting her go.

"So?" Cal asked next.

"So what?"

"Don't play dumb," Cal told her gently. "You know what I'm askin'. Do you wanna try?"

"I'm scared to say it aloud."

"In case?"

Gillian took a deep breath. "In case I get my hopes up again and they get shattered again." She paused. "I don't know if I can deal with that again. Every time takes a little bit out of me forever." Now she sounded like she was close to tears.

"I know," Cal said softly. "Let me be the one who gets excited. I'll have all the hope and enthusiasm."

"Really?" Gillian's voice was thick with dubiousness. "Cal Lightman, giving up on a pessimism you've spent years perfecting?"

"I'm not a pessimist," Cal feigned shock and offence.

"You're not an optimist."

"Nah. That would be you."

"Hhm," Gillian agreed. "Hard to be optimistic when I've been constantly beaten down."

Cal suddenly pulled her roughly into a hug. He didn't like it when she was sad or low. It was hard to tell which. She just seemed bummed out. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to be able to give her a baby. But he also knew she was right, one more failure and it just might break her for good. He just hoped she had more strength in her reserves than they both knew. He couldn't put her through it again if he didn't think she could come out the other side unscathed.

Gillian pressed her face into his neck and her body along the length of his. "At least I could say I really did exhaust all options."

Her words were slightly muffled but Cal heard her very clearly. And he heard an optimism in her voice that made his heart cheer.

"I do want to try Cal."

PJ

Cal kissed along his wife's neck, tracing his teeth and his tongue over her hot skin. He could feel her hands on him, fingertips digging into his waist as he worked. He could hear her ragged breath, feel her chest rising and falling quickly with desire. He could feel everything she did because their bodies were pressed so close together. The pressure of her hips against his was so tantalising. Cal had his hands in all kinds of places on her body. On her throat, down her arms, over her breasts, her waist, her hips, her thighs... But then... something wasn't quite right. She wasn't kissing him back. He suddenly couldn't remember her kissing him at all, let alone being able to pinpoint the moment when she had stopped. Cal felt for his wedding ring and found it was gone! That wasn't right. This wasn't right! He pulled back but couldn't see her face. He pulled back some more. He felt his right hand twitch against the mattress. Then he was aware of traffic on the street, the loud engine of a motorbike ratcheting up through gears quickly, and the grey of dawn. He woke up completely, surprised that he had been dreaming. It had felt so real. That was definitely a dream he had wanted to finish.

Cal stretched out with his right hand, feeling for Gillian in the bed next to him. He encountered nothing but cold sheets. He pried his eyes open, simultaneously identifying the time and the empty mattress. Cold sheets meant she had been gone for a while. Six thirty am meant she must not have slept well. Cal slipped out of his side of the bed. The house seemed cold. He reached for a t-shirt on his way out of their bedroom. The errant motorbike that had woken him had left a vacuum of silence in its wake. It was eerily quiet now. Cal scuffed into the kitchen, found Gillian sitting at the window. She had a knee tucked up against her chest and she rested her chin on hands folded on top of it. There was an empty coffee mug on the floor next to her other foot. She was watching the back yard intently. Her hair was ruffled from the pillow and she was dressed in one of Cal's t-shirts and her own pyjama bottoms. They were pink with medium sized green frogs.

"Hey," Cal greeted from next to the refrigerator. She gave him a smile as he passed by the breakfast island, straightening up. "What are you doin' luv?"

"Just thinking," she answered lightly.

Cal sat in front of her on the same seat. He could feel her cold foot almost immediately through the material of his boxer briefs and was grateful it wasn't his bare skin. "Couldn't sleep?"

She shook her head slightly.

"Hard to sleep when you've had caffeine," Cal pointed out. He took her icy foot and held it between his warm hands even though it was almost painful.

"Mm," Gillian hummed her appreciation. She shifted to place her other foot under his butt. Within seconds Cal could feel that one too.

"Wear socks woman, you're freezin'," Cal reached out to place a hand on her arm. The skin there was also chilled. Cal rubbed her arm. "Why can't you sleep?"

"Thinking," Gillian repeated.

"About the IVF?" Cal guessed easily.

Gillian nodded. But Cal wasn't quite sure what to say about that. They were still waiting to go in and take the blood test that would confirm or deny a pregnancy. It might have worked. But it might not have. And it was too soon to tell. He tried not to think about it. He knew he would have a harder time trying to convince her of doing the same. So he remained silent and knew she could probably guess why he said nothing.

"Why are you up so early?" Gillian asked him softly.

"Noticed you were gone."

"Needed me for something in particular?" Gillian gestured vaguely at his groin.

Cal didn't need to glance down to know what she was talking about. He gave her his best cheeky grin. "Was havin' the best dream."

Gillian tried to hide her smile. "Who was in it?"

"Me, obviously."

"And?" Gillian prompted quickly. "Who do you dream about Cal?"

"You, darlin', I dream about you."

"You wouldn't lie to me would you?" She asked innocently.

Cal flashed more teeth. "Absolutely not. You're the woman of all my dreams. Featured heavily in the one this mornin'. Was hopin' you'd help me finish it when I woke up."

Gillian's hidden smile forced its way across her face. Even in the grey light Cal could see her eyes flash in amusement. "What happened?"

"Somethin' woke me up. Bloody rude."

Gillian's smile spread in to a grin. She leaned forward. "Maybe we could pick up where your dream left off then."

Cal smiled as he leaned in to her kiss. Her icy fingers on his neck made him shoot back quickly though. "Right that's it," Cal got up abruptly, dropping her foot. He ignored her surprised expression and took her wrist, pulling her to her feet.

"Hey!" Gillian protested.

"Hot showa for you," Cal pushed her gently back across the kitchen, through the bedroom and to the master bath.

"I thought you were going to tell me about your dream," Gillian pouted at him as he turned the shower on.

Cal pointed a finger at her. "Strip," he demanded. Gillian reached under the t-shirt she was wearing for the elastic of her pyjama trousers. Cal pushed the bathroom door shut and then whipped his own t-shirt off.

"I thought I was supposed to be warming up," Gillian reminded him.

Cal crossed the space between them quickly. "More than one way to warm you up darlin'," he told her stepping in close, pressing his face into hers, connecting lips against lips. He backed her up to the shower cubicle and opened the shower door. "Get in," he directed roughly.

Gillian pulled her t-shirt off and with a smirk threw it in his face. She stepped under the stream of warm water as Cal dumped her shirt on the floor and pulled his boxer-briefs down over his thighs. He heaved them somewhere in the vicinity of the hamper but he didn't care too much where they landed. He was already seeing his naked wife now slick with the damp of hot water. He slipped in behind her, turning her with a hand on her shoulder. He suppressed her surprise with a kiss. A deep kiss. When he pulled away her eyes had already gone dark with desire.

Cal took the time to slide his hands over her slick body, paying particular attention to all the places he knew drove her wild. When she reached for him he confiscated her hands. "I'm tryin' to make you hot," he told her. If she tried to squirm out of his grip she could do so easily; her skin was slippery, hard to hold on to. But she didn't protest. Cal let her go anyway, he needed one hand to hook her leg up to his waist, the other was all ready busy making her feel good.

Just like in his dream, Cal could feel the tips of her fingers digging in to the back of his shoulders, feel her breath coming quickly as her desire built, her hips grinding against his hand. He wrapped an arm around her back, steadying her and holding her simultaneously.

"Why don't we go into the bedroom?" Gillian almost begged.

"No time."

"It's six thirty in the morning," Gillian complained, her voice terse.

"I meant you," Cal clarified. He felt her shudder. "You're close right?"

She nodded tightly, her eyes closing, her grip on his arm suddenly tightening.

"If we went to the bedroom," Cal told her in a low voice. "I'd have to stop." He sucked gently on her neck, careful it wasn't hard enough to leave a mark. "Do you want me to stop?"

Gillian shook her head violently.

"You sure?" Cal asked contritely.

"I'm sure," Gillian breathed. "I'm sure!" She said again, more forcefully, as Cal curled his fingers. "Oh God," she moaned.

Cal teased her some more, drew out her pleasure until her fingers in the muscles of his arms started to hurt. Then he tipped her over and held her while the desire rocketed through her body. He kissed her gently and left her propped up against the wall. He quickly scrubbed soap over his body. He leaned in to kiss her again when he was finished and her eyes opened quickly, her hand finding his cheek. "Enjoy your showa," he told her and turned for the door.

"I already have," Gillian murmured in response. Cal grinned to himself as he stepped out. He dried off quickly and went to the bedroom to get dressed in his work clothes. When he went to hang his towel up again Gillian was cutting the water.

"What was with the sudden verbalisation? You're not usually a talker," Gillian followed him out of the shower.

"You don't like it?" Cal asked innocently knowing full well that she had loved it. He reached for her towel for her.

"I'm not saying that," Gillian responded a little coy as she dried herself. "I'm just saying, you've been different recently."

"Different?" Cal asked feigning perturbance. He turned to the sink.

"Talkative, and not just in bed," she gave him a smirk in the mirror that he had just wiped the steam from. "Happy."

"We had this convasation the otha night," Cal pointed out. "You make me happy. Tryin' to make a baby with you makes me happy."

"Hmm," Gillian mused. "But there's something else."

She didn't press him though and Cal wondered if he should tell her that he had spent some time on the couch of a shrink. What did he have to lose? She certainly wouldn't think less of him. In fact it would probably impress the hell out of her. That is, if she wasn't offended that he hadn't tried to work out his problems with her. Gillian gave him another brilliant smile and left the room.