Moments of Panic
(This was inspired by viewing a program about Princess Diana's family's home, Althorp, hosted by her brother Charles, a 9th Earl. I suddenly imagined Barbara looking at Howenstowe with new eyes. I also borrowed a note or two of other writers' story lines, and hope they'll forgive me and know that it's tribute.)
Barbara and Tommy had not gone beyond their decision to marry at the church in Nanrunnel, and they had come to Howenstowe this weekend to try to set a date and to convince Lady Asherton that they wanted the wedding to be small, to weed the list of people she would want invited.
Barbara came down for breakfast to find Lady Asherton lingering over her coffee. "Tommy's gone to talk to John about some estate business, hasn't he?' Barbara nodded. "Well then, this is our chance to look at some of the house you haven't really seen before. Come along," she said briskly. Barbara smiled inwardly, thinking how often Tommy sounded like his mother, half expecting her to add "chop chop!". They went through the imposing hall, and she followed the older woman into a room she remembered. The enormous dining room, with chandeliers and that long, long table; the room she recalled with distaste as the setting of the tense, miserable evening of Tommy and Helen's engagement party. She was distressed at the sight of it, and that feeling continued to grow as Lady Asherton began to throw open cabinets to show her the vast numbers of china and crystal, and endless drawers of silver. She thought she would choke; she couldn't breathe and suddenly could not bear another moment of this. "No!" she cried out, and turned on her heel and fled.
When Tommy returned to the house an hour later, he went looking for Barbara. When he couldn't find her in their room, he went into the library, where his mother stood to greet him, and he knew immediately that something was wrong. "I seem to have upset Barbara, "she said tentatively. He raised a questioning eyebrow. "I thought she should see some of the more formal rooms of the house, and we were looking at the dining room and she…well, she ran away."
"For God's sake, Mother, what were you thinking?" he demanded. "The formal side of this house is bound to upset her! I was planning to go very slowly and you went right to the most ostentatious room in the house! I have to go and find her!" He started out, but his mother stopped him, "I've looked everywhere. I don't know where she went."
He found her finally, out at the back, standing near the car, with her rucksack at her feet. "Barbara!" he called out and put his arms out to hug her. She pulled back, and said, "I need to go back to London, now, so I'd like you to drive me to the train station." She started to get into the car, but he stopped her. "No," he said softly, "I know what my mother did, and I understand how you're feeling, so please, we just need to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about," she said. "I realize that there is no way this marriage is going to happen. I can't live here, I can't be the wife you need, so please, just take me to the station so I can get away from here and go back to London!"
"No," he said, more firmly. "I am not going to easily forgive my mother for this. But she didn't think. She doesn't know you yet the way I do. This should NOT have happened."
He lifted her up and sat her on the bonnet of the car. "Listen to me, my love. If you hate this house, and everything it stands for, I will give it up. Give the title and the house to Peter,"
"Peter!" she said bitterly, "He'd be as bad as me. He doesn't want the title or anything that comes with it. He's happy finding his way in the arts, and the two of you have worked things out and are getting along well. He would hate you again if you stuck him with being the earl."
"Okay," Tommy said, thinking on his feet. "If necessary, if I have to run the estate some day, we can live in one of the small houses here. Let Howenstowe rot, for all I care. I am not going to lose you, Barbara, not over a piece of real estate. Not for any reason." He took her hand, reassured that she didn't pull away. "Do you understand? You saw this place at Easter at its best, and you liked the way the people here feel about us and we about them. Try to remember that. We will never – do you hear me? NEVER use that monstrous room. I promise you. You like the smaller dining room where we take our meals. You like the library, I know you do. And," he grinned, "I know you like our room." She punched him playfully, and he couldn't help a small sigh of relief.
She smiled a tiny smile. "What if the Queen wants to come for dinner? You'd have to use the formal dining room then."
He pulled her down, and put an arm around her, picking up her rucksack with the other. "Her Majesty and I don't really socialize but if we did, she'd have to eat with us in the small room."
They walked into the house, where Lady Asherton met them, wringing her hands, and they could see the tears in her eyes. "Barbara, Tommy, I am so sorry. I don't know what possessed me, except maybe the wish to turn this house over to you and be rid of the responsibility of it. Can you ever forgive me? Can we go back to being friends again? Please?" She looked so forlorn that neither of them could stay angry at her. They agreed to join her for a glass of sherry in the library.
Barbara realized that this was her chance to ask Lady Asherton how she really felt about her son marrying a working class woman, and for Barbara to share her conflicted feelings about marrying into the nobility. But when they were seated, and Tommy had poured them all a small glass of their usual pre-lunch libation, she decided to wait to see what Lady Asherton had to say. After repeating how sorry she was to have upset Barbara, she asked "Barbara, why were you so distressed? Was it the room or…?"
Barbara sighed. "Yes, it was mostly the room. It's so….BIG, so formal. And the one time I was there, it was such a terrible evening. So much anger, so much tension, I felt smothered." She sipped her drink. "I began to feel that way this morning when you started to show me all that-stuff!"
Lady Asherton started to get up, murmuring about lunch. But Barbara stopped her. "I really need to know how you feel about….well, about me marrying into your family. We all know I'm hardly the nobility type. I felt you were maybe making a point about it with all the china and silver."
"Oh, no, my dear!' Lady Asherton exclaimed. "I think you bring something fresh and wonderful to our family. I welcome you, partly because you make Tommy happy, but also because you make me happy. I love thinking of you as the Countess of Asherton! I was so impressed that you would have the courage to say NO! Many women on the verge of marrying would not, even if they were thinking it..." All three looked at one another, all thinking, and Tommy said, "Helen". His mother nodded but again spoke directly to Barbara. "You will be different, perhaps, but why would anyone want another me? "
Tommy reached out to take his mother's hand. "I heard what you said about being tired of running the house and the estate. Would a small vacation help? We could come here for a week…" He looked at Barbara, who nodded. "You could stay at the flat in London, see friends, go to a play, a concert, a museum. Go shopping. And Barbara could go to the retreat, take another aikido class, take long walks." Both women looked pleased.
"Then we'll plan it," he said with a smile. "Now, Mother, you spoke of lunch?
As she was about to leave the room, Lady Asherton stopped, and turned to Barbara. "About what you call "the stuff" in the dining room, you could throw them all at the wall, smash them with a hammer, or just leave them there for future generations. Can we please, Barbara, forget about them? Chalk it up to my wish to be rid of them, to see if you wanted them." She put out her hand. "Please believe me," she pleaded.
Tommy looked at her, pleading too. She took Lady Asherton's hand and gripped it tightly, reaching for Tommy's hand as well. Holding their three hands together, she smiled a big, happy smile. "I believe I do," she said.