This is a little oneshot I had the urge to write and couldn't deny. I don't think it has to be M rated so it's not but…contains sexual situations? But not quite. You'll see.
-x-
"The truth is a sin."
Under the flickering light of the gas lamps, a pale, solitary figure moved, slipping from lamp to lamp as easily as a ghost. A quiet voice spoke into the night.
"The truth is a sin."
Rain was pouring from the sky as if the angels themselves were crying and could cry forever, soaking the figure to the skin. With hair plastered to a face that turned towards the ground the figure moved on, unheeding of the rain. This time, the voice spoke more strongly.
"The truth is a sin."
The figure reached the last lamps on the street and stopped, leaning back against the post and finally turning eyes upwards, eyes that stared but saw nothing and concealed all emotion under an amethyst veil of misery. These eyes fixed on a small moth that was fluttering around the open flame. It flew too close and the fire caught onto the dry paper of a thin wing and the insect spiralled down, a tiny comet trailing smoke, and landed at the figures feet. The voice was now laced with bitterness.
"The truth is a sin," it said, "And all sins must be answered for."
Jizabel bent down and gently touched the twitching insect with the end of one finger. Its wings crumbled instantly and Jizabel bowed his head, murmuring,
"All sins must be answered for, and all sinners must be punished."
His eyes came to rest on the hand that was still outstretched towards the moth. It trembled slightly, skin white and icy from the rain, almost corpselike in appearance. Jizabel smiled faintly; he liked his hands when they looked this way and was so much more comfortable now with his hands numb from the cold than he had been the night before. His hand had been warm then, his whole body flushed, his heart racing…
He shook his head almost violently to rid himself of the memories but they poured in nonetheless, etching obscene images onto the darkness of Jizabel's closed eyelids. The images were burning in their intensity and despite the chill of the rain, they threatened to engulf his senses completely. He raised his hands to his head and wrenched at his hair, hoping to cause enough pain to block the images but this only served to remind him of other hands that had so recently railed in his hair. Jizabel's eyes slammed open and he stared at the fallen insect, now disintegrating under the power of the rain. It was being punished for its foolishness. Jizabel fervently wished that he too would receive punishment for his foolishness, and soon.
The truth was a sin but the truth could not be forgotten and insisted on forcing its way into his consciousness, meeting as much resistance as a needle sinking into soft flesh and then wreaking as much chaos inside as a deadly poison. Jizabel was tired; tired from walking all day, tired from lack of sleep and tired of the rain drumming in his ears. He lowered his head, too tired to fight, and allowed the memories to overwhelm him once more. Many of them were not coherent and came to Jizabel as sensory memories, of sight and sound and feel. He was washed along in a current of memories and the rain was forgotten.
A dark figure slipping into the room in the dead of night, features cloaked in darkness. A sudden warmth and weight and then the sound of someone breathing. A taste that was both unfamiliar and intoxicating. The slick wetness of a tongue against his own. The soft brush of dark hair on pale skin. Heavier breathing and loud heartbeats. A brief moment of coldness and then the heat returning tenfold.
A sudden pain that shifted almost imperceptibly into intense pleasure. Warm hands that seemed to be everywhere at once, everywhere they should be. Ragged breathing. The feel of sheets moving beneath old scars. Meaningless words gasped, whispered and eventually moaned into the darkness. An explosion of colour behind closed eyes.
Silence. Warmth. Peace. Until morning dawned and the room was filled with searing, prying light.
The rest of Jizabel's memory was clear. The silence was broken as Jizabel flung himself out of bed and knocked over the nightstand. The warmth evaporated as cold air washed over naked, vulnerable skin. The peace in his mind turned to chaos as the figure still on the rumpled bed became not a being of darkness and secrets but Cassian, just Cassian who was now blinking in confusion.
Shame. Fear. Incomprehension. They all tied into one terrifying, undoable knot as Cassian sat up and spoke.
"Why?"
Jizabel had murmured something about assistants needing to fulfil their superiors needs but Cassian had shaken his head.
"No. You know that's not true. Why did you call me here last night? Why let me stay? Why run from me now? Tell me the truth."
And Jizabel had looked into eyes as deep as the ocean and carefully veiled his own, saying only,
"The truth is a sin."
The memory faded and the rain-soaked street flooded back. Jizabel struggled to his feet and leaned against the lamppost unsteadily, eyes shut. He did not hear the approaching footsteps until the person was standing right before him.
"Doctor," A voice filled with pity spoke into the night. Jizabel opened his eyes to see Cassian standing before him.
"Yes?" he sighed, having known this moment would come.
"You've been out in this rain since this morning," Cassian replied, carefully keeping emotions other than pity out of his voice. "It's so foolish. Come back now, okay? Why are you out here, anyway?"
"Punishment," Jizabel murmured and over the thundering rain, Cassian failed to hear him.
They walked away from the lamp in silence for a while, Jizabel following behind Cassian apologetically. Before long, the doctor laid an uncertain hand on Cassian's shoulder and forced his subordinate to meet his gaze.
"Why?" Jizabel asked, with a tremor in his voice. "Why did you come to me last night even though you knew what I was asking of you? Why did you stay afterwards? Why did you look for me today?"
Cassian stared at him wordlessly, dark eyes filled with surprise and sadness. No words needed to be said. Jizabel could see the truth in Cassian's eyes, and suddenly knew that he needn't have wandered around waiting for punishment. Knowing the truth was punishment enough.
The love that he could see shining in Cassian's eyes was a sin. As they resumed their walking, they both knew that this had changed nothing; besides night-time encounters, they must remain doctor and subordinate. The society did not allow for people such as they to be together. They had sinned together and all sinners must be punished…but Cassian couldn't help from wondering if their sins were justified.
Sorry if that was lame. I know it's short but I'm trying to stop my habit of waffling and adding pointless detail.
This story inspired by the translate lyrics from Eiko Shimamiya's song Automaton which says If the truth is a sin, while I love this much, I'll rip the curtain with my own hands or something like that. So..it inspired me and this came out.
Please review if you read! Love to all x