Title: Aftershocks
Author: Jennifer M. Ukeritis
Comments: post them here or send to jennukes@yahoo.com, whatever!
Rating: PG cause there is like 1 or 2 "bad" words and some references to violence
Pairing: none, or slight Kate/Gibbs if you are a diehard shipper
Spoilers: thru Left for Dead
Archive: yes, IF you ask me first!
Summary: Kate's reaction after Left for Dead & how Gibbs pushes her to change
Warnings: none that I can think of
Disclaimer: Okay, you all know the drill... they aren't mine, they never will be, much to my severe disappointment. NO copywrite infringement intended, blah blah blah. This is all in fun, and if you try to sue me, you won't see a dime since I have toms of student loans from law school.
Author's note: Thanks for Claudia, Kris & Carly who betaed! Much appreciated. Enjoy and review!!!!!
She sat there, seeing nothing of the scene in front of her. She didn't see the firefighters scrambling to finish putting out the fire. She didn't see the EMT's or police running around, trying to get the situation under control, nor the fountains of water putting out the blaze. She didn't feel the rough wool fabric of the blanket some firefighter had draped over her after they had rushed them out. She didn't feel the cold night air that chilled others rushing around the scene, preserving evidence. She didn't see her coworkers standing over by an ambulance, watching her intently, worried about her.
What she did see, she knew she would be seeing in her nightmares for months. Her mind was trapped in a loop, replaying the seconds it took her to realize that she had been played by the woman she had opened her apartment too. She saw herself turning, yelling and realizing too late and then the bomb blast knocking her down. She heard herself tell Gibbs and Tony, "Bashed his head in, she couldn't see the wound!" She could feel the blast knocking her down, the heat on her skin as the tiny bomb the woman had went off, killing herself and the man who had betrayed her. She saw herself realizing as the flames began consuming the two bodies that the woman she had been so focused on saving had never been the victim at all.
After what seemed like a millennium to her weary body and mind, but in reality was maybe twenty minutes, Kate finally dredged up the energy to move. Numbly, she stood up, folded the blanket and left it for someone else to deal with.
The man with silver hair, who had been watching her so intently with worry etched on his face, relaxed noticeably he watched Kate move. But he noticed her empty eyes as she walked passed him, seemingly seeing nothing, and grew even more worried. He realized that until the passing days revealed how this incident affected her, he could do noting but watch his newest charge.
Kate walked to her car and drove home, barely recalling even how she got to her house. If law enforcement needed anything more from her, then they could find her through her boss.
Once at home, she showered and then curled up on her couch in sweat pants and a tee shirt, her still wet hair hanging down her back. Her mind went back to the past, recalling off comments from her coworkers.
"She's bonded." "Kate, are you sure this is wise?" Her coworkers', her friends', questions echoed in her mind, with phrases from past cases. She cared for her victims, their families, and until now she had been proud of that fact because she had thought it made her human, had kept her sane in her job. She was trained to spot the lies, to profile, but she had been proud of her ability to empathize with the victims.
Lately, though, she could see now, her empathy had drowned out her training. It had been happening more and more lately until it culminated in this night. Her training had been completely ignored until it was too late to save two and had nearly killed her friends.
Her lover had died resulting in her leaving the Secret Service and still left her wondering if she had missed something because she had been involved with him. The wife who had killed the cheating husband, she had been so sure was simply the cheated-on spouse. Now, the amnesia victim who had been buried alive only to do a Dracula, as Tony had put it, and had killed herself and the man she had been having an affair with and had broken it off. She had already killed the messenger of the bad news.
"No more," she whispered, something deep inside her shutting off. "I know I've been lost since I resigned from the Secret Service and he died, trying to find my footing in this new job, but it ends now. I like my job and I like my coworkers, my friends. Tonight I almost killed them, all because I let my empathy for that woman smother my training and instincts. From now on I stick to my training and nothing more. Everyone is a suspect. No more bonding. There are no victims." Her voice, weak and wavering in the beginning, turned strong and firm with each word that echoed through the dark, empty apartment. "There are no victims." She repeated.
There was something, as the days turned into weeks, that Gibbs couldn't put his finger on. Kate had changed since the bomb, but he was at a lost on how to explain it, let alone deal with it. Whatever it was, it grew worse with each passing day. Tony and Kate still squabbled like kids, more often than not, forcing him to come between them and hide his smile. But it was there in her eyes, how her smiles and comments never really reached them. In the beginning her eyes had smiled and he could see all of her emotions in them. They used to twinkle with a light he hadn't seen in another person, when she came up with some sarcastic or evil comment to zing at Tony. Now she made the comments, but her eyes were lifeless and empty.
It was Abby who finally articulated the problem.
It was late on a Friday night, he stayed to finish paperwork as usual, when Abby paged him.
"Gibbs, come by the lab, I need to talk to you," she had all but ordered him. He wondered what his favorite, albeit unorthodox, lab tech wanted. He had heard the worry in her voice.
"What is up, Abbs?" he asked as he breezed into the lab.
"You need to talk to Kate, Gibbs. Get her to talk, show her that she needs an outlet. She's trying to pull a you, Gibbs, and she doesn't have the outlet you have in your woodwork. Never mind that she isn't built to be like you." Abby spoke softly, worried about her newfound friend. "She has turned off her ability to empathize with the victims, Jethro. And for Kate, bottling that isn't good. She's scared because last time it made her ignore training and almost got you and Tony killed, but I think that her ignoring her empathy will lead to something she may not survive. If she doesn't let it out, she may end up killing an innocent and that will destroy her. You need to show her your outlet and convince her to find one for herself."
Gibbs sighed. "I noticed something has been wrong since that night. Her eyes are empty and it is almost scary. I just could never articulate the problem. Thanks, Abbs, now go home. Get out of here." Gibbs gave her his patented half smile and headed out of the lab. His paperwork was going to have to wait until Monday. It was time to find a certain brown-haired NCIS agent.
She was still at her desk, working on dreaded paperwork.
He slid behind her desk and grabbed her bag. "Let's go, Agent Todd."
"Where? What is the case?" she asked, blinking the weariness out of her eyes.
"No case. It is past time we left the office. Let's go." He took the pen and the paperwork she was working on from her and loomed over her until she moved.
"Fine," she huffed.
He grabbed his coat and led her to the bank of elevators.
"No, follow me," he stopped her from heading to her car. He still had her bag, anyway. "You are coming with me. We need to have a talk."
"Where are you taking me?" she demanded, once she was settled in the passenger's seat of his SUV.
"You will see," he was deliberately vague, as he always was. What was the point in spelling everything out?
Kate rolled her eyes at his usual vagueness and stared out the passenger window.
It took twenty minutes to get to wherever they were going. It wasn't until she got out of the car that she realized they were at Gibbs' house.
"Just keep silent, Kate." he told her before she could speak. He took her coat and hung it up with his after dropping her bag on the floor of the closet. "I get to do the talking first. You get to listen to what I have to say, and then you can have your turn."
He started to head for the basement stairs and stopped. "Did you want anything to drink?"
"What do you have?" Kate asked cautiously.
"Beer, water. Milk," he added as he recalled the last time he went shopping.
"Water with lemon?" she questioned.
"I believe that can be arraigned," he nodded, mentally reviewing the contents of his refrigerator. "Wait here." He returned a minute later with two large glasses of water, one with lemon.
"Thanks," Kate stated with a small smile. "Lead on fearless leader," she motioned for him to continue.
Gibbs rolled his eyes and resumed his path to the basement steps, after handing her the glass with lemon.
It wasn't until she was half way down the stairs that she saw the skeleton frame of the boat.
"The infamous boat. I half expected it to be simply a rumor," she commented and gave a short chuckle.
"Nope, it's real." Gibbs shrugged and put his glass down as he picked up the hand planer.
"Gibbs, you did this all by hand?" She asked, shocked, as she took her time moving around the room and it finally dawned on her that there were no power tools anywhere.
"Yup," he answered.
Silence reigned again for long moments until Kate asked hesitantly, "Why am I here, Gibbs?"
"Because I drove you," he answered, easily.
"Gibbs," she started, annoyance seeping into her voice. She hated his obvious answers to her questions.
"Because I am worried about you and so is Abby. We can see how you've changed, Kate. Abby may have been the one to finally articulate it tonight, but I saw it too." Jethro stated softly, hand planing the area he was working on instead of looking over at her.
"Gibbs, I am fine," she stressed.
He looked over at her then and put the plane down. He met her eyes and held them. "No you are not, Kate. If you were fine, we wouldn't be worried about you. Abby is worried you'll burn out. You are forcing yourself to hide behind your training, to suspect everyone of everything. Once Abby articulated it, I realized it was what was bothering me about your behavior since the bomb."
"Works for you, Gibbs," Kate shrugged and broke his probing stare.
"It works for me because I am a self-proclaimed bastard, Kate. And because I have an outlet." Jethro told her.
"The boat," Kate nodded towards the frame he had built.
"Yes. You don't have one, Kate, and that will get you killed faster than trusting the wrong person," He answered with a nod.
"Do you let anyone else work on this?" Kate changed the topic, nodding as he glared at her to acknowledge what he was saying.
"You know how to work a hand plane?" he asked incredulously.
"Well, I was thinking of some sandpaper, but yes, although it has been a long time," Kate responded thoughtfully, with a smile.
He looked at her, gauging her mind set and finally nodded. "Over there," he told her and pointed with his chin before turning back to his task.
An hour went by before she said anything. "I almost got you and Tony killed, Gibbs," her voice was soft and full of pain.
"We didn't die, Kate. We weren't really hurt, either." he stated firmly, but gently. "And I suppose you can call me Jethro since you are working on my boat. Just don't let DiNozzo hear you say it."
"But if you had been any closer," she argued, focused on her argument.
"We weren't, Kate. What if's will only drown you. All that matters is what actually happened." Jethro stated sternly. "Kate, you trusted her and that is a part of you. You can't deny a part of yourself because of one mistake."
"But it wasn't just one, Jethro. It blinds me to too many things. I still wonder what I would have picked up on had I not been involved with Tim. And the woman who killed her cheating husband, I was certain she was just a woman who's husband cheated on her. I should have seen something! I am a trained profiler, I am supposed to be able to read people! It trumps my training and next time you or Tony or Ducky or Abby could pay the ultimate price because of it. And that isn't something I could live with." Kate spoke, her voice heavy with pain held in too long.
"I am not saying go back to the person you were before, Kate. That person is gone. You have to find a balance between the person you were and the one you are pretending to be now that you can live with, because pretending isn't healthy." Jethro explained.
"What is wrong with this version of myself?" Kate asked, looking at him for the first time in over an hour.
Jethro was silent for a moment debating with himself on what he should tell her. Finally he settled on the truth.
"Because it isn't you," he stated. Then he expanded that thought because he knew it wasn't what she wanted to hear. "You trade zingers with Tony, Kate, and when you do, you have this smile. Only now it never reaches your eyes, like it did before. There was this twinkle in your eyes when you got mischievous that hasn't been there since that night. There was a light in your eyes that used to be there when you did something right and were proud of yourself, or when you figured out a piece to the case. I haven't seen it since that night either. You are suppressing who you are, what made you the person I wanted on my team, and it isn't good for you."
Kate stared at him silently at his words. They shocked her, that he answered her question with them. It is was what she needed to hear, because they reached something deep inside her and rekindled what she thought had died the night of the bomb blast. She simply nodded and went back to sanding and her thoughts.
It didn't take her long to remember something she had thought about when she was still with the Secret Service. She had been playing with the idea of volunteering at the children's hospital a few miles from her apartment. It was time, she decided, to do more than toy with the idea. It was time to do it.
After a while, Kate stopped sanding and laid down on the couch.
Jethro never noticed that she stopped or when she fell asleep on the couch he had down here. It wasn't until he became too tired to work that he noticed she was gone. A quick scan of the room and he found her asleep on the couch. He walked silent over to her and took his work shirt off to cover her. He didn't have a blanket or anything else to cover her with. He smiled as she snuggled under the shirt. He watched her sleep and sighed. His hand reached out and pushed the lock of hair that had fallen over her face back behind her ear.
"Sleep well, Kate," he whispered softly, not moving from where he stood over her. She looked at peace as she slept and he hoped she was. There was something about her that got to him no matter how much he ignored it. He sighed, knowing the fight would be harder now, although he was glad he could help her. He was sure he had gotten through to her and was looking forward to seeing the light back in her eyes. He wasn't sure what exactly made him tell her that, but he was sure that was what that had gotten through to her and brought her back to him.
Jethro sighed and turned back to his boat. She had done a good job sanding, he noticed before taking his spot underneath the frame on the floor. It was a familiar spot, one he slept in quite often. He had long ago learned to sleep anywhere he could. His basement floor was actually a step up over some of the places he had slept in as a Marine. It didn't take him long to fall asleep himself.
Kate had an internal alarm clock that rarely failed her. She woke up at just after 0500, and it took a moment to realize where she was. She smiled as she found herself covered in Jethro's work shirt. It smelled of sawdust and him. There had been a time when she had liked a man in cologne, but now a days she liked the smell of sawdust. It was nothing she would ever admit too, but it was the truth. She smiled when she caught sight of Jethro sleeping on the floor under the boat frame. She shook her head. That man really could sleep anywhere!
She moved silently, covering him with his own shirt and slipped upstairs. She set the coffee pot for him and went to find a pen and paper in her bag to write a short note before she left his house to wait for the cab she had called. She left the note by the coffee pot.
He woke to the smell of coffee and smiled. Kate wasn't on the couch, but he assumed she was in the kitchen waiting for the coffee. He found her note with the coffee instead.
"Thank you, Jethro, for the ear and the shirt. Enjoy the coffee and your weekend. I'll see you on Monday. - Kate"
He smiled at the short note and drank his first cup.
Kate took a cab back to NCIS and then drove home. She changed and went for a run, feeling better than she had in weeks. For once, she didn't compare the before and after, but found herself simply living. What had happened had changed her, but it was no longer defining her life.
That afternoon she headed to the children's hospital to see about volunteering. She'd never be able to have a consistent schedule, she explained, but she needed to volunteer.
Jenna, the woman in charge of volunteers, saw the desperation in Kate's eyes and the knowledge that Kate needed to volunteer almost more than the children needed her. It was easy to take care of the necessary paperwork and then to introduce her to some of the children. Jenna smiled as the young woman took a breath and smiled, finding a balance she needed to survive. Kate's job showed her the worst of humanity too often, with the children she had found the best part of it.
On Monday morning, Kate was the first to arrive and was working on finishing the last of her paperwork when Gibbs strolled off the elevator with his all ways present cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand.. Kate smirked to herself as he arrived at his desk.
"What the heck?!" he cried as he noticed the suspiciously smaller amount of paperwork on his desk.
"Something wrong, Gibbs?" Kate asked, eyes twinkling.
"What did you do with the paperwork, Kate?" he demanded and looked over at her only to realize that her eyes were twinkling. He might need glasses to read now, but he could see her eyes twinkle even over the distance that separated them.
"What paperwork?" Kate smiled, shrugging.
"Kate," he bit out.
Kate laughed. "I gave what I felt Tony could do to Tony."
"Gave what to Tony?" a familiar voice asked from behind her.
Kate snickered. "Nothing, Tony," she said just a bit too innocently.
He looked over at his desk and saw more paperwork on his desk. "Gibbs! You waited until I left and then gave me more paperwork, didn't you?!" Tony whined.
Gibbs smiled. "Something like that." He shook his head and sighed. He wouldn't trade having Kate back for anything- including stopping Tony's whining about paperwork.
"Oh, I have a present for each of you," Kate remembered the drawings. Her kids- they were hers already- had drawn pictures for her and she had decided to share them with her coworkers.
"Kate, you shouldn't have," Tony said, eagerly waiting for his.
"I didn't really. The kids wanted you to have them," Kate smiled devilishly. They had drawn pictures of her coworkers based on her descriptions and she found them to be pretty accurate. She was giving them to them because the kids had asked and because she knew that her friends would get a kick out of them.
"What kids?" Tony asked.
"My children- with Gibbs," Kate responded flippantly. At his shocked look, Kate laughed. "The kids at the hospital I volunteer at. They asked about the people I work with." Kate answered easily. She laughed at the face Tony made when he looked at his.
"What did you tell these kids, Kate?!" he cried.
"Tony, they are kids. I just said that you appreciate beauty." Kate stated innocently.
Gibbs laughed at the look on Tony's face and then at the drawing as Tony showed it to him. His own was pretty accurate- the child had dressed him in a Marine uniform.
Kate headed to the lab to give Abby hers.
"Thank you, Abby, for talking to Gibbs. I volunteer at a children's hospital and they drew pictures of you guys based on my descriptions. I wanted to drop these off for you. I thought you might get a kick out of them." Kate smiled.
"No problem, Kate." Abby told her friend and then looked down at the two drawings Kate handed her. "Hey these rock! They are so going on my wall!" she cried, loving the picture of her as a vampire and the other of, what she wasn't sure, but it went perfect with Blast from the Future.
Kate laughed and dropped of Ducky's before returning to her desk.
Tony picked up on the fact that Kate had worked through that night months ago and was closer to her old self. He wasn't sure what had happened to help Kate through, but he was grateful.