Disclaimer: I own nothing
A/N: Well I meant for this to be posted BEFORE Christmas but I got pretty sick and that just didn't happen. Still a bit woozy so hopefully it doesn't sound too loopy towards the end. This is another companion to You Are In My Veins, I really wanted to show that Christmas before Jane comes back when DAni first found out about him. I think you'll fall in love with this little girl even more. I hope you enjoy it.
Be Home for Christmas
The flight from Los Angelas to Chicago was extremely long, longer still since Lisbon was sitting in a seat between her twenty-one year old niece and her almost four-year-old daughter. That meant tempering Dani's excitement and trying to ignore Annie's sarcastic comments. The beverage service was bare minimum but Dani got a juice box and a little bag of pretzels, that along with her iPad full of games and Disney movies kept her entertained most of the time.
But not all of the time.
"Mommy, why are we still in the air?"
Lisbon sighed and turned to her daughter with smile. "Because we aren't in Chicago yet, we'll be there very soon. Then you'll get to see all of your uncles."
Dani grinned happily at that thought. She didn't get to see her aunts, uncles and cousins as much as she wanted to since they lived so far away. Well Annie at least lived about ten steps down the hall now.
Annie smirked and muttered under her breath. "Can't decide what I can't wait for more. Dad trying to put a good spin on my life or my mom insisting that I can do more?"
Lisbon rolled her eyes. "You're old enough to sort out things with your own parents."
"You're so helpful."
"Welcome to adulthood," Lisbon offered. Annie wasn't the only one who could be snarky.
"And you know about adulthood how?"
"Excuse me?"
Annie grinned. "I just call it like I see it, the only person who doesn't know what to do with their life more than me is you."
"I know exactly what I want with my life."
"Then why don't we talk about that box in your closet?"
Lisbon turned away from her niece, her cheeks blazing with embarrassment. "We should be landing soon."
Annie snickered by wisely chose to not push the issue. The other woman grabbed her book, flipping through the pages without even seeing them. How the heck did her niece know about that box? Was she snooping through her things or was she just that transparent? Probably a bit of both but at least Chris didn't know anything, that was something to be thankful for.
She'd done everything she could to forget about what had happened at Cho's wedding, especially that dance, the tears, the painful admissions they had both made. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair but she couldn't change it, no matter how hard she had tried. All she'd been left with was a broken heart and a beautiful daughter, if that was the price she'd had to pay for Danielle then so be it, as long as Dani didn't.
"Mommy," Dani asked, drawing her attention away from her thoughts. "Will Santa still find me?"
"Of course," Lisbon replied, "Remember? You sent him a letter letting him know that you would be at your cousin's house this year. He replied and said that he'd be sure to bring your toys there instead of our house."
Annie coughed, covering up a little laugh. "Yeah, he'll find you. Don't you worry about that."
Lisbon gave Annie a look but she knew exactly why her niece was having a hard time keeping a straight face. Only her daughter would demand to write a letter to Santa to make sure he knew where she would be that year and still not relax until he wrote back. Her daughter probably would want to stay up all night to makes sure Santa kept his promise.
Finally the plane began to descend which only increased Dani's excitement, it was a good thing she had a seatbelt on because she would almost certainly start bouncing all over the plane. It seemed to take forever for the plane to taxi over to the gate and then came the mad rush to gather belongings and children, the human traffic jam to get off the plane.
Lisbon kept a hold of her daughter's hand as they were swept off the plane with the crush of people; finally able to breathe once they were actually in the building. A quick glimpse outside showed slushy gray snow clinging to the streets; yep it was wintertime in Chicago. In Los Angeles it was seventy degrees outside and people were sunbathing on the beach.
The trip made their way down to baggage claim where they were greeted by her younger brother, and Annie's father, Tommy. He smiled when he saw his family, particularly his daughter, but it was Dani who broke free and shouted, "Uncle Tommy!" and threw herself into his arms. He laughed, picking her up to give her a big hug.
"It's great to see you Dani," Tommy said, kissing her cheek. He set her back down on her feet before pulling his daughter in for a hug. "I missed you Annie."
"Missed you too, Dad," Annie said. Despite her tough exterior she really did miss her dad most of the time, Lisbon knew from the way they talked on the phone.
It was Lisbon's turn to greet her brother. "Hey, Tommy," she said, hugging him and kissing his cheek, "It's wonderful to see you again."
"You too, Reese."
It was a sweet exchange of hugs and kisses before they got back to the other order of gathering the checked in bags and heading out to the car. Tommy helped pile the bags into the back of his car; Lisbon's was especially heavy since the majority of Dani's presents were stuffed inside. Dani and Annie got the back seat while Lisbon took the passenger side, keeping an eye on her exuberant daughter.
James's home was where Lisbon and Dani were staying while Annie was going on to her father's home and her old room. The whole brood came out to the front yard as soon as the car pulled into the driveway. Annie unbuckled Dani's seatbelt and the little girl was gone in a flash, rushing straight for her cousins practically while the wheels were still rolling.
Her cousins were good-natured about it, hugging her back with enthusiasm even if the youngest was still over eight years her senior. Jason, the oldest at nineteen seemed a bit more standoffish but he was just trying to show that he was too grown up for little kids. Too bad it just made him see a little more immature then he was intending.
But nothing bothered Dani who basked in the presence of her family. Lisbon got out of the car and greeted her brothers and their families in turn, marveling at how much the kids had grown and admitting that she regretted not seeing them enough. They did the same thing, but gaggled over Dani even more who had grown a good six inches since the last time they had seen her.
The freezing weather wasn't comfortable for the California girls and Lisbon was quick to beg to go inside. She hugged Annie and Tommy goodbye; he was taking her to go see her mom for the night, which meant she was going to be away from her niece for the first time in three months.
James's house was warm and neat but not the clean that made her afraid to walk around. It was cluttered with old photographs; beat up toys lines up against the wall and stray pair of tennis shoes shoved under the sofa. It was nice and comfortable with a house full of loud children and family. Years ago she'd loved it too but it had been a different kind of love, the sad one where she silently wondered if they pitied her. They'd worried about her and her lack of social life. Dani had changed that, Dani and Chris even if they came at two very different times.
Dani ran around trying to get the attention of all of the adults and her older cousins while small talk and stories were exchanged by Lisbon and her family. Eventually Will's youngest was convinced to take Dani to Lucy's room to play an old board game so that she was at least entertained. Mostly all Lisbon and Dani did was try to blend in with the rest of the family they loved but never quite belonged.
When Will's stomach growled he declared it was a respectable time to go out for dinner. Lisbon was starving too since the plane hadn't given them anything that could really be considered food. They had already decided on their favorite family owned pizza place since she could only get real pizza when she came back to Chicago. Tommy joined them while Annie was stuck with her mother's side of the family for the evening.
It didn't take long for the kids to beg off to go play the arcade game, their parents parting with a few bills to be traded for cheap tokens with the older kids instructed to keep an eye on the younger ones, especially Dani who needed help playing most of the games. It left the adults alone, free of all of their children for the moment, to discuss things that were a bit more private.
Lisbon knew immediately what that meant.
She took a quick sip of her wine, letting the rush of alcohol try and calm her nerves. "Annie is fine," Lisbon interjected, doing what she could to keep the subject off of herself. "She's enjoying the nightlife in L.A. but isn't getting into trouble, just being a typical twenty-year old. You know that age."
"Unfortunately," Tommy agreed, wincing at bit at his youth. Lisbon almost rolled her eyes since Annie had been born when he was at the ripe old age of eighteen.
She sipped her wine again, taking a healthy gulp, mostly because she knew she'd failed. "How are things with Chris?" Susan, James's wife asked cheerfully but they all knew a segue when they heard one.
"They are fine," Lisbon said a bit overly enthusiastic but she'd never been an actress worthy of awards anyway. "He's spending Christmas with his family but we are meeting up for New Years of course, he loves spending time with Dani." She grinned now, genuinely. "He got her a cute little play set, a miniature pet shop. She's going to love playing with the little puppies and cats."
Susan nodded and so did Will's wife, Karen. They understood how the perfect gift for a child would be, even if they did not understand what it was like to be a single mom struggling with her own fatherless child. They hadn't faced that struggle; they had been wise to fall in love with men who were not scarred by a deep dark past. They fell in love with men who could not only return their love but were actually able to enjoy and revel in it. They lived lives of happiness, yes there were hardships but mostly it was true happiness because they woke up every morning to the man they loved lying beside them and the children they had with them grew up with "dada" as their first words.
She envied them in a lot of ways, all of the time really.
"So it's serious then?" Will asked.
Lisbon nodded her head. "Oh yes, we've been talking about the future." She admitted, looking down at her hands. It was the truth. She had already been around the jeweler's counter once with Chris, talked hypothetically about the sort of ring she would like if he just happened to propose. She had a feeling it was probably going to happen at New Years. He was the romantic type after all.
"And you took him to Cho's wedding."
The way Will said that bit of information told Lisbon that they really were done beating around the bush. She looked up and met the eyes of all three of her brothers. "Who told you? Kate, I can only guess. I certainly didn't tell Annie anything about the wedding though God knows she's been trying to get information out of me for months."
"Why didn't you tell us?" James demanded.
"Why did you call up my friend and ask her?" Lisbon shot back.
Tommy grunted. "Like you were going to tell us?"
She looked away, unable to deny that truth. No way in hell did she ever plan to tell her brother's about Cho's wedding, or at least the important part that had happened at it. Of course it turned out they could discover the truth on their own. "How did you even know something happened?"
"Because when you talked about the wedding you had your high 'Reese-is-hiding-something voice," Tommy told her with a bit of smugness. "After working with a con artist for ten years you didn't learn much."
She glared at him. "I'm so glad you chose to point that out."
"That isn't what is important," James said angrily. "What happened between you and him?"
"Nothing," Lisbon told them, but everyone, including her sisters-in-law looked at her with doubt. "Oh my God? What do you think I did? Abandoned Chris at the reception to jump Jane in the nearest bathroom?"
Susan blushed and looked horrified; she was the puritanical one. Meanwhile Karen started coughing and took a sip of her diet soda to try and hide her laughter. None of her brothers were amused though. Her three brothers bickered over almost everything including which of the Cubs was the best on the current roster but they were all in agreement that they hated Patrick Jane.
Lisbon put her hands flat on the table, trying to keep herself calm. "Like I said, nothing happened. He showed up to a wedding he was invited to, I was shocked to see him there. We did nothing more than talk."
"About?" James pressed.
She almost rolled her eyes. "Us, we talked about what happened and how we are both sad it didn't work."
"It 'didn't work' because he left you," Will reminded her.
"I haven't forgotten that," she replied icily.
James was more concerned about other matters they might have talked about. "What about Dani? Did you talk about her?"
She turned somber then, the reminder that her daughter was a legacy of her fleeting relationship with Jane could not be helped. Her beautiful, wonderful gift.
"No," she replied, her voice was low and soft, "No, I didn't tell him about her. He still doesn't know that I have our daughter." Lisbon noticed after the fact that she'd addressed it like that. Their daughter. Not hers, but his and hers. Jane's daughter.
Dani would always be Jane's daughter to her too.
Everyone at the table breathed a sigh of relief. "Well that's something then," James said. "Anything else?"
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes and she had to blink them away. "No, he just left again. I haven't seen or heard from him since."
Just like before. He was gone. He left her with a broken heart and painfully beautiful memories but he still left. He always left her. Always.
"Good, hopefully he'll stay gone now."
She couldn't quite work up that feeling herself. Lisbon wasn't sure what she wanted. Actually that wasn't true. She knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted to go back in time, she wanted Jane to turn around from when he decided to leave and walk back through her door and back into her bed. She wanted him to have been there with her when she found out she was carrying his child, wanted him to have felt their daughter kick her belly, to hold her as she took her breaths of life and watch her grow into the beautiful child she was now.
But there was no way that could happen.
Lisbon was still thinking about those sad facts when Karen asked a shocking question. "Are you going to tell Dani?"
She stared at her, the words just bouncing around in her head. Tell Dani. Tell Dani. Tell Dani.
"What would she tell her?" James asked.
"She's bound to ask about her father," Karen pointed out, "she's getting old enough to recognize that things are different for her."
"Of course she won't tell her. That idea is completely ridiculous."
"Why?" Will asked, "What's the harm in telling Dani about him? She should know at least the truth."
"You really think that a three year old should hear that her father abandoned her mother while she was pregnant?"
"It wasn't like that," Karen said gently, "he didn't know."
"That doesn't matter!"
It was Susan who noticed that they were talking about the woman sitting in front of them. She eyed her with a sweet look. "Teresa, what are you going to do?"
She was so grateful that they had finally thought to ask her…but quite honestly she was at a loss for words. "I don't know," she admitted. "I…I don't know how to tell her about him…about us." Lisbon shook her head. "How do I even begin to explain something I'm not sure even I understand?"
Susan smiled at her. "Maybe when the time is right…you'll know."
Lisbon wasn't quite as sure but there was no way she could refute what hadn't happened. And then the conversation came to halt when the girl they were speaking of came rushing to the table. "Mommy! Mommy! I need more coins. I want to play the one with the lights and get a pretty pink bracelet!"
She smiled at her beautiful little girl, her green eyes wide and set above her perfect face. So much came from her father, those golden curls and wide exuberant smile. Her and Jane, they had made this child.
But he wasn't here.
Lisbon took her daughter's hand and smiled. "Well then, let's get that bracelet."
The rest of the night was exhausting but the pizza was worth it even if it did get the kids full of energy. Being on vacation meant Dani was able to weasel a couple of hours out of bedtime. By the time Lisbon managed to get her into her pajamas and ready for bed but neither one of them were really ready for sleep. So the two of them lay snuggled up in the bed under the covers, Lisbon smiling into her daughter's grinning face.
"You're really enjoying this aren't you?"
"Yes," Dani said happily.
She wrapped one curl around her finger, remembering how her own mother used to put hot curlers in her hair for school picture day. Here she'd given birth to a little girl who never needed them. "I wish we lived closer, you should see your cousins more often."
"I see Annie every day."
Lisbon laughed. "Yes you do, but you know that it isn't enough to just see one of them." She sighed. "I love our house though, can't seem to leave the warmth."
"I love it too."
"You just love being able to sneak out to the beach every day," Lisbon said, tickling her daughter.
Dani shrieked a little, giggling. "Mommy!"
They both laughed and she pulled her daughter into a big hug. "I love you so much," She whispered into her ear.
"I love you too, Mommy."
It took a while longer before she heard the deep sound of her daughter breathing. Soon enough she'd curled up into a ball and kicked the covers away. Lisbon sighed, avoiding her little girl's thrashing and remembering when she'd shared a bed with someone with the exact same sleeping habits.
Genetics were an amusing joke sometimes.
She gave up on sleep and pattered out into the dark living room to make herself some tea to try and soothe her troubled mind. Lisbon stopped when she saw the tree, presents generously piled underneath it. It wasn't lit but the ornaments glistened in what little light came from the street.
Lisbon made her way over to the tree and plugged in the lights, the colors blinking on with the glorious happiness of Christmas. But all she did was look at the beautiful colors, the perfect symmetry of a Christmas tree.
Memories, that was all she had.
It was late at the office two days before Christmas and everyone had already found an excuse to leave early except for her. What a surprise there. She hated most holidays since as a workaholic she wasn't allowed to do the one thing she wanted to do: work! Well it wasn't officially a holiday for another three hours and she would make sure to make those three hours worth it.
She made her way to go refill her coffee mug and happened to notice that the one person she could depend on to stick with her was conspicuously absent. Where the hell was Jane? For some reason she wanted to keep an eye on him, like she did most of the time but it was especially important now when everyone who was alone was feeling sad, just like her.
But he wasn't in the break room or the attic…and he wouldn't have left without prodding her to do the same. She made her way down the stairs to the next floor and peeked in…and was stunned by what she found.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Jane didn't even flinch, just stayed where he was. "I'm admiring the tree."
Someone on the third floor had decided to put up a Christmas tree complete with red and silver ornaments and big red ribbon. The colored lights blinked on and off in synchronization. But Jane wasn't standing to look at the spectacle. He was lying down underneath it.
"Most people admire it standing up," Lisbon reminded him, "Not staring up into a face full of pine needles."
"Since the tree is fake its actually mostly plastic," He told her with a smile on his face, turning his head to look at her. "And this is the best way to really appreciate it."
She eyed him with skepticism but knew an invitation when she heard one, even before he scooted over. This was crazy and silly and if the cleaning guy saw them he'd think they'd lost their minds.
To hell with it.
Lisbon lay down on the floor beside Jane and looked up into the interlocking fibers of the artificial tree, one ornament hanging right over her head and the lights glistening in the near darkness. "All right, so what am I supposed to see?"
Jane made an exasperated sound. "Can't you just enjoy the lights?"
"Yes, standing up like a normal person."
"But then you just can just go on your way," he pointed out, "you don't get to take it all in."
"And that means lying down?"
"Look up," he told her, "and all you see are the lights, the green, the red and silver ornaments…it's beautiful."
She chuckled. "You're crazy." But it was affectionate. She did turn her eyes up and stared out at the tree, noting the way the lights glistened off of the ornaments. "But you're right. It is beautiful."
She couldn't say how long they stayed like that, staring up into the tree. Lisbon didn't even notice when they'd started holding hands, she couldn't say who had started it but there they were; lying down under a Christmas tree holding hands…like two silly children.
Lisbon pushed the presents out of the way and lay down on the carpet so she could look up into the lights again. She stared up high into the tree, keeping her gaze focused on the lights and the ornaments and pretended that her hand wasn't empty.
She just wanted to remember when love didn't hurt.
It was the day before Christmas and the excitement was only growing, especially for Dani who knew that Santa was going to be coming that very night. Her older cousins snickered but kept the truth to themselves with Annie taking over to encourage it. Now that she'd seen her mother and other grandparents she was back with her father and being Dani's personal guardian. Lisbon might grumble about the trouble Annie could get into but she was grateful how her oldest niece was so protective and affectionate to her daughter.
It left Lisbon free to help Susan with all of the prep work. There was Christmas Eve dinner that needed to be finished and Christmas lunch that needed to be started a head of time. The prime rib needed to marinate all night and all of the sides could be started as soon as possible so that they could be ready to pop in the oven the next day.
She knew she was no cook, she could never make a beautiful display like Susan but she actually had some fun chopping celery and peeling potatoes. She and Susan joked about her brother, swapped stories about their kids, the sort of things sisters-in-law were supposed to do and she finally could participate now that she had a child of her own.
It was almost as everything should be and in times like this it was easier to forget what parts of her life were missing.
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Danielle Lisbon was not a child that missed anything. She knew that things were different for her even if she didn't quite know how to express why it was like that. All she really knew was how much she loved her mother and her family and that was more than enough for her. So she enjoyed playing down in the game room with her cousins even if they were so much older than her.
She was trying to beg a controller away from Tim so that maybe she could play one of the video games when Jason came down the stairs with someone Dani had never seen. She hoped that maybe Jason would be on her side and let her play, he was older and the older cousins had been telling some of the younger cousins to let her in on their games.
"Jason!" Dani said, running over. "Tim won't let me play. He said I could when he finished one game but he finished two already."
Jason's friend looked her over with raised eyebrows. "Who is she?"
Jason shrugged. "She's my cousin."
"She must have been adopted huh?"
Dani didn't hear what was said after that, the television blared and Tim shouted. "Crap!" like he did every time there was an explosion and a new game started. Jason walked over to talk to Tim, probably to champion Dani's cause but her interest was no longer on the game. Instead she walked over to Annie who had finally hung up her cell phone and was flipping through one of her magazines. "Annie?"
"Yeah, DJ?"
"What is adopted?"
Annie put the magazine down and looked at Dani instead, her eyebrows knitted together. "Why do you ask?"
"Because."
Her older cousin looked a bit wary but still explained. "Adoption is when a mother has a baby but she cannot keep it, so she gives her baby to another family who become its mother and father instead."
That sounded so confusing to Dani, a mommy and daddy who aren't a mommy and daddy? So if she was adopted then that meant her mommy wasn't her real mommy? That idea filled Dani with immeasurable grief and there was no stopping the tears from coming.
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Lisbon laughed over Susan's story of Jason's first exploration of the pantry when he was three. She could imagine the honey and syrup spread all over the floor, she was just glad she hadn't had to clean it up. "Oh God. The worst thing Dani has done was pull down all the cereal boxes and crush the pieces all over the house."
"That's just the beginning."
She was laughing over the dread when they both heard the thunder of feet rushing up the steps. "Aunt Reese! Aunt Reese!" Lucy shouted.
As soon as Lisbon heard the frantic sound of her voice she was filled with fear. "What is it?" Lisbon asked, afraid that somehow her only child had been badly hurt.
"Dani is crying, she won't come out from under the pool table, she just keeps sitting under there, sobbing."
"What happened?"
"We don't know, she just won't stop."
Lisbon quickly abandoned the kitchen and raced down to the basement game room and it didn't take long for her to hear the sound of her daughter hysterically crying. Sure enough, Dani was curled up in a ball underneath the pool table and refusing to come out. "What is going on?"
Tim shrugged. "We don't know."
She gave him a little glare before rushing over to her daughter, crouching down on the floor so she could at least get eye level with her even if she couldn't squeeze underneath. "Dani, what is it?"
"You…ot…Mommy!" she was crying so hard that half of the words were missing from the sentence.
"What?" Lisbon asked, still trying to understand."
"You're…not…my Mommy!" Dani managed to stammer out.
Now Lisbon was really confused. "Of course I'm your mommy."
But Dani shook her head, still sobbing. "My mommy gave me away!"
"What?!"
"Annie said Mommies gave babies away! That was me!"
"I didn't say that!" Annie said quickly, she was crouching down on the other side of the table now. "I said some moms did that, not yours!"
"But he said I'm adopted," Dani explained.
"Who said that?"
Dani sniffled and pointed at a boy Lisbon didn't recognize, he was standing next to Jason. The kid at least had the decency to look ashamed. "I didn't know she would act like that."
"Excuse me."
"Well she looks so different I just thought…"
"She isn't adopted!" Lisbon told him then turned back to her daughter. "Dani, you aren't adopted!"
"You're lying!"
"No I'm not! I made you; I carried you inside of me for nine months and after eleven hours of labor I gave birth to you. I'm your mommy. Your real mommy."
Dani was quiet but obviously wasn't quite soothed yet. "But I don't look like you…or them."
Lisbon stared at her blonde haired child, her beautiful little girl that was perfect in every way. Then she glanced around the room at her nieces and nephews who all looked the same, brunettes with pale skin and freckled faces. Just like her.
Only one kid stood out from the rest.
She reached underneath to pull her daughter in her arms. "Come on, Dani. There is something you need to know."
Lisbon carried Dani in her arms and up the stairs, her little girl sniffling but finding comfort in her mother's embrace. It was time Dani learned the truth and just as Karen said, she knew exactly what she needed to do.
She brought her daughter to the guestroom they shared and closed the door so they would have some privacy, setting her little girl on the bed. Dani wanted to stay in her mother's lap but Lisbon set her aside for a moment so she could rifle through her suitcase. In the small pocket inside of the case she kept a picture of Jane with her.
It was there for her own selfish reasons. On those times when she was away and found herself missing him and struggling to remember every single line and curve of his face, she would pull it out and remember. Now it served an even more useful purpose of introducing her daughter to her father.
Dani crawled into her lap once she was on the bed again and Lisbon wrapped her arms around her. "I want you to know that you are not adopted," Lisbon told her sweetly, "not that there is anything wrong with that, I would love you as if you truly were my own if you were. But you're not. I gave birth to you in an hospital room in Los Angeles, I'm your mother just as Aunt Karen is Tim's and Aunt Susan is Lucy's."
Her daughter sniffled but was calming down and Lisbon stroked her hair, one hand still clutching the photograph. "But you know you don't look like me or your cousins, but that's because you look like your daddy."
Dani pulled her head away from her mother's shoulder to look into her eyes. "I don't have a daddy."
Lisbon looked at her child sadly. "Yes you do, everybody does." She held up the picture so Dani could see. "This is your daddy. Do you see how much you look like him?" She smiled softly, "The same curly blond hair, same beautiful smile, the same ears and fingers. Just like him."
Her little girl studied the picture in her small hands, looking carefully at the man that had been capture in that moment in time. Lisbon knew she was seeing it, how similar they looked. There was no mistaking that her child had taken after her father's side of the family.
Dani glanced up at her mother. "Who is he?"
"His name is Patrick Jane," Lisbon explained.
"Like my name?"
She smiled. "Yes, I named you after him because I wanted you to have a part of him. That's why you're Danielle Jane Lisbon."
Dani still studied the picture but the sniffling stopped and she was beginning to accept the truth in front of her. Even if that truth left thousands of questions. "Where is he?"
Lisbon sighed sadly and hugged her daughter tight. "That's so hard to say." She leaned down and breathed in the scent of her daughter's hair, drawing strength from that scent. "Your daddy and I worked together for a long time, we were best friends and fell in love. But your daddy has had a lot of problems, some very bad things happened and he was very sad. He…he couldn't stay and so he went away." She turned to look at her daughter. "A little while after that I found out I was pregnant with you. I never got to tell him that."
"He doesn't know about me?"
She shook her head. "No."
"But why did he go?"
"I told you he was very sad," Lisbon reminded her, "it was too hard for him to stay." But she could tell that her little girl was still confused. "I know, it's difficult to understand. I'm so sorry, Dani. I'm sorry."
Dani didn't look like an apology made her feel better. "Will he come back?"
That question was the worst one yet.
"I…I don't know," Lisbon admitted softly, "I can never know with him."
Dani was quiet again, that bit of bad news obviously made her sad. "Is it too late to ask Santa Claus?"
Tears filled Lisbon's eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She thought about lying but that would only lead to disappointment in the morning. "Yes, it is."
"Can I ask next year?"
She bit back a sob and nodded. "Yes, you can try next year but…but it isn't an easy present for Santa to get."
Dani nodded her head as if she understood. "Okay, but I want to try, Mommy. I want to meet him."
Lisbon could understand but she didn't at the same time. "Why?"
Dani met her eyes. "He's my Daddy."
"I suppose that is enough," Lisbon agreed, wiping her eyes.
"Is that why you cry? Because of Daddy?"
She was surprised her daughter knew she cried, it scared her to wonder just how much. And like before there was no point in denying it. "I do cry because of him. I cry because I miss him. I love him so much and it broke my heart when he left. The only thing that got me through it was you." She pulled her daughter close. "I love you so much because you are so beautiful and amazing, I just wish he would be able to be a part of your life. I wish he could have been here with you."
"Me too," Dani replied.
Lisbon kissed her daughter and hugged her again. "If he came back he would love you," Lisbon assured her.
"Would he leave again?"
She thought about that question for a long while, feeling the pain and heartache of it. "I don't know. I just know that I never will, I'll always be here with you, Dani. Always."
Dani smiled, a small sad smile but she believed her mother entirely. Her small hands still clutched the photograph and soon her eyes followed it. "Can I keep him?"
Lisbon looked down at the picture and immediately nodded her head. "Of course. I have other pictures too. I'll show them to you when we get home." She hugged her tightly again and they both sat down on the bed together, wrapped into each other's arms and looking at the picture of the man who was absent in both of their lives.
The questions started immediately and wouldn't stop.
"Does Daddy like Christmas?"
"Did he like ice cream? What kind?"
"What is his favorite color?"
"Would he let me have a puppy?"
Question after question that Lisbon did the best she could to answer. But Dani didn't stop with her mother; she began asking everyone questions about her father. That led to a rather embarrassing admission on the part of the rest of the family that they didn't really know him. James was really displeased that she'd actually told Dani anything but she didn't care; she wasn't going to let her daughter grow up believing she wasn't her mother.
It was a very uneasy Christmas Eve where Dani was reluctant to go to bed, her mind no longer on Santa and presents but on the picture of the man who'd given her life. She had the picture in her hands as she fell asleep, clutched right by her pillow so it would be the first thing she saw when she woke up.
Lisbon knew why Dani was obsessing about this; she knew so little about someone who meant so much to her. But how could she give her answers when the truth was so hard? How much did she have the right to tell Dani? Nothing…and yet, everything since Dani was a part of Jane even more than Lisbon could claim.
"Is it too late to ask Santa Claus?"
Somehow that filled her with even more pain than any of Dani's other questions. Dani wanted her father for Christmas and Lisbon knew that none of the presents under the tree would matter next to that wish. Still she did as any mother should, sneaking the presents from her suitcase after midnight to hide them under the tree.
But it was with a heavy heart that she tossed Dani's cookies to Santa and poured the milk down the drain. Dani wanted her father, not a doll or any other kind of toy…she wanted her daddy.
That was the one thing Lisbon couldn't give…or wouldn't give. Because there was a chance. She could pick up her phone that instant and call him, call him and tell him everything. She could beg him to come just for Dani's sake, it only so their daughter could have a really happy Christmas.
The love for her daughter spurred her to pick up her cell phone and stare at Jane's number. She'd never taken it off and up till about a year ago had still received rather irregular phone calls from him, sometimes inebriated. She'd loved and hated those calls, loved the hope, the chance that came with being able to speak to him…and hated how it broke her heart every time it was over.
She'd never called him though.
Her thumb pressed the number and she watched as the call went through. She heard one ring and her heart skittered a fast rhythm. Oh God what was she doing?
Lisbon ended the call in the middle of the second ring, breathing heavily. How could she do something so stupid? Calling Jane was a terrible idea! He couldn't be her daughter's father; he couldn't even be with her! He'd said so himself at the wedding.
"I can't be what you need."
No he couldn't, so he couldn't be with them. He was still far too broken.
Lisbon moved to go to bed and get some sleep now that her duties were done. But before she could move, her phone began to vibrate against the table. She gaped at the phone and her heartbeat thudded in her ears when she saw that it was Jane's number. Oh God he'd called her back!
She stared at the phone but didn't reach for it. It just continued to ring once…twice…three times, after the fourth ring it ended. He would be hearing her voicemail and trying to decide whether or not to leave a message or try again. She'd bet on no message.
Why did he call back? What did he think about her calling him at midnight on Christmas Day? How could she do something so ridiculous when her daughter's innocence was at stake? Would he try again?
Lisbon waited, holding her breath.
But the phone didn't ring again.
Christmas morning finally came and Dani woke up at a reasonable hour as opposed to exceedingly early. Lisbon pretended not to notice how she looked at the picture of her father before getting out of bed. But it didn't take long for her to remember that there were presents from Santa Claus waiting under the tree. She raced for the living room, giving an excited shriek at the surprises waiting for her there.
It didn't take long for everyone in the house to wake up after Dani started shouting. The rest of them were excited too, ready to see what presents were waiting for them after the long wait. And Dani's enthusiasm was infectious; she was so adorable sitting among the presents, reading the names off of the paper and giving them out to everyone. She loved each toy she unwrapped and was happy for every one else's that brought a smile to their face.
But then the tree was bare of wrapped presents and everyone had what was theirs. There was talk of breakfast and maybe putting on a movie while waiting for Christmas dinner to finish baking. Lisbon noticed that Dani wasn't a part of that merriment; instead she was looking under the tree for something that wasn't there. It didn't take long to recognize what Dani was looking for.
Santa hadn't brought her father for Christmas.
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Lisbon knew her daughter well. She knew that her smile, while beautiful and warm, was also fake. She knew that her daughter was sad; that she was disappointed that the one thing she wanted for Christmas was not there. Lisbon hid in her room, staring at Jane's number, knowing that her daughter's disappointment was her own fault.
But she didn't want to hurt her child anymore, didn't want Jane to break her little girl's heart into pieces like he did hers. It was so much better for Danielle to be apart from him. Loving him was the worst kind of torture Lisbon could imagine, it was beautiful and wonderful and terrifyingly sad. He could destroy just as easily as he loved because while he loved he couldn't give what was needed.
It wasn't fair. Why must she love someone who had loved and lost someone first? Why couldn't he put himself together for her? Why was she never good enough?
Dani didn't understand those parts, she didn't know everything really. Just that she had a father who couldn't be there for her and Lisbon knew that despite what she'd said, Dani wondered if maybe that was her own fault. She never said a word of it to Lisbon but she could see it in her eyes, that she felt like she was the reason her father had left. She knew that look well…it was what she saw in the mirror.
So Christmas day passed slowly for mother and daughter as they dwelled on the sadness in their lives, the missing person they loved but could not have. Lisbon put Dani to bed with a heavy heart, she knew that there was no way either one of them would be able to sleep well that night.
Lisbon curled up on the sofa after everyone else was a sleep, a cup of warm eggnog and rum was her only comfort but it did little to ease her concerns. It was heartbreaking to know her daughter could be easily hurt, even harder to know there was little she could to fix it. She stared into her cup as if the answers could be there.
"Damn you, Jane. Why couldn't you stay? Why couldn't you actually be the man I needed? Why couldn't you even try? For that matter, why the hell did you even come back? I was fine before you did that. Okay, I wasn't fine but I was better, I was living and working and trying to find a way to put my life back together. But no, you had to come back and tell me that you loved me but that you couldn't be with me. Then you had to make love to me again and again but never stay, always gone and no idea when or if you would ever come back.
"Do you have any idea how much that killed me? I felt like nothing more than a flimsy mistress. I used to wonder if there were any other women you were seeing, I was afraid to think about what you were doing, afraid that maybe I truly meant so little to you…since you treated me such. But then you would come back and kiss me and tell me you loved me and make love to me as if that was only thing that made you happy in this world. And I'd be putty in your hands again.
"What made you finally go? What made you decide to never come back? What would you have done if you knew about her? Would you have stayed for her? Or would you have crushed us both? You left me a beautiful gift you know, she is amazing and I know that if you met her you would fall in love with her in an instant.
"But that's the problem, Jane. All your love has ever done is hurt."
"Mommy?"
Lisbon was broken out of her internal shouting match with Jane by her daughter's tiny voice. She turned to see Dani peeking around the corner, wide-awake with the same sad look in her eye. "What is it, baby? Did you have a bad dream?"
Dani shook her head. "I woke up. I can't go back to sleep."
She looked at her child knowingly. "You were thinking about your daddy weren't you?"
Her daughter nodded somberly. "I wish…I wish I knew him."
Lisbon wasn't sure how to make a connection between two people who had yet to meet. But she spied the tree still sitting darkly in the corner and she knew a way to at least have a start. She smiled and stood up, leaving her drink on the table. "Come here," she said, taking her daughter's hand and leading her over to the tree.
She plugged in the lights and the whole tree was aglow again. Dani gave her a strange look when she sat down on the floor and lay back on the carpet. "Your daddy and I did this once, he said it was the only way to truly appreciate the lights." She pulled her daughter down beside her, "Come on, don't you want to be like your daddy?"
Dani smile and nodded before lying down next to her mother. She gazed up into the lights, the multicolored glow twinkling against her skin. For a moment all she did was look up into the branches, her face a lit with wonder. Then she turned to look into her mother's eyes. "Do you love him?"
Lisbon looked at her daughter with somberness and knew then she would never lie to her, not about this. "Yes, I love him. I will always love him, that will never change."
"Does he love you?"
She nodded. "Yes, he said so and I believe that he always will, just as much as I'm certain of my love." She eyed Dani with curiosity. "Why do you ask?"
"Because if he loves you and you love him and you love me and I love you…then it's like we all love each other."
Lisbon couldn't help but smile at her daughter's cleverness. "Yes you are right, we do love each other. All three of us."
Dani smiled and looked back up at the tree, but her eyes were still sad. "I wish he would come back."
She took her daughter's hand but didn't say a word, she didn't have to. Dani knew as well as she did that they both had the same wish.
The flight back to Los Angelas seemed even longer, probably because Dani wasn't easily entertained by her iPad. This time she kept asking questions all about the same subject. Did daddy like pizza? What was his job? When she'd found out about the carnival that had really kept her attention for a while. Did he ride elephants? Did dress up like a clown? Could he do tricks? Could he teach her?
Annie actually put on her headphones to avoid the tedious questions but Lisbon stuck it out. She answered every one as best as she could though it did make her realize how little she knew about Jane, at least about his life before he joined the CBI. She found herself struggling to find information for her daughter. He'd never been very open about his life and she'd never pressed; now she was finding she'd wished she'd had. Maybe that was a good indication of their relationship, how little he had been willing to give her.
Lisbon wasn't a fool; she knew that Dani's curiosity was only understandable with how sudden this revelation was. But she also wondered if maybe there was a bit more to it then just discovering where half of her genes came from. She was wondering why her father had left, why he wasn't able to stay with her, what could hurt him so much.
But did she have the right to tell?
She ruminated over that possibility for a much of the flight as she could. It was still playing in her mind when she and Annie helped Dani get out to the car and finally get home. It felt a little strange being back when everything had changed. Just a couple of days ago this had been something of an oasis away from her previous life…perhaps it was fitting that the talk about Dani's father had taken place elsewhere.
But the legacy remained; there was no doubt about that. Dani kept the picture of her father close, nearly crushing it in her little hands. She wanted more, her eyes begged for that just as much as the questions on her lips. Lisbon sat down with her daughter the dozens and dozens of pictures she had of Jane over the years, letting her see the memories Lisbon cherished.
Still, there was one last thing she could do.
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Lisbon chose to do it on the twenty-ninth for a myriad of reasons. Chris was still out of town and it was important for her to have this finished before New Years Eve. When Chris proposed and she accepted she didn't want to still have this unfinished task. It wasn't about ignoring what had happened or what was a part of her daughter's life, rather it was about keeping them both separate. She wouldn't do Dani or the past the dishonor by mingling it with her future.
So she woke her daughter up early, put her in the car along with the requisite toys, Suzie, Lucy and Goosy, and she started the long drive towards Malibu. Dani was curious about her mother's decision to have another trip after only just returning home but she didn't question it, instead happily chattered from the back seat as if this was just any other day. She didn't ask why her mother stopped at a flower shop on their way out and bought a beautiful bouquet of white lilies.
Dani didn't ask until they stopped for breakfast, just a simple "Mommy, where are we going?"
But Lisbon was a little evasive. "Somewhere important, you'll understand soon."
That was all that she would say on the matter but Dani noticed how nervous her mother was. Her face was pale and the further they got on the road the tighter she gripped the wheel. Lisbon knew her daughter could see how discomforting this was for her; she was Jane's child too after all. But Lisbon knew this was something she had to do for her child. Even if she questioned whether or not she had the right.
She'd been the cemetery only a handful of times but this was without a doubt the most nerve wracking. Lisbon had thought about this a lot over the years, particularly after giving birth to Dani but she hadn't had the nerve to come. She felt like she was a thief, like she didn't have the right to be here. It was a foolish idea but that came from misguided guilt, or perhaps not, he'd still worn his wedding ring when her daughter was conceived.
"Why are we here, Mommy?" Dani asked, looking around at the headstones with unease.
She sighed and turned around to look at her daughter. "There are some things you should know, some things about your father."
Lisbon got out of the car and helped her daughter down onto the cool grass, her small hand clutching Suzie tight. Her big green eyes blinked up at her mother with so many questions but she didn't ask. Her mother kept her hand in her daughter's and the other had the bouquet of lilies as she led them up the rows of headstones until she found the familiar two.
Time had done nothing to them, the granite still bore the names proudly. Angela Ruskin Jane and beside it Charlotte Ann Jane.
Lisbon closed her eyes against the pain and two tears left trails down her cheeks, she kept her daughter's hand clasped in her as she bent over and placed the lilies between the two graves. "Mommy?" Dani asked, her voice small with a bit of fear. "What is it?"
She sighed, squeezed her daughter's hand before turning to look at her. "This is where your sister and her mommy are buried."
"My sister?"
She nodded and then knelt down, taking both of her daughter's hands. "You know about the book I wrote with Aunt Kate, the one about the very bad man?" Dani nodded her head simply. "Well that is how your father and I met. You see…that bad man killed his family." She turned to look at the graves, "his wife and his daughter, Charlotte." She met Dani's eyes again. "Your sister.
"It…it really hurt him. You know how much I love you, can you imagine how much it would hurt me to lose you? He was so very sad from what happened and…and it was hard for him to even live." Lisbon wasn't even sure if her daughter was understanding what she was saying.
"But you're alive, Mommy," Dani pointed out, "how can she be my sister?"
Lisbon smiled. "I wasn't her mother. Angela Jane was…your daddy's wife. You and Charlotte have the same daddy, which makes you half sisters."
Dani looked over at her sister's grave. "Did I know her?"
She shook her head sadly. "No, baby. Charlotte died a long time ago, long before you were born." She licked her lips and continued. "Your father came to the CBI to try and find the bad man who killed his family, it was my job to do that as well. That was how we met. We worked together for a very, very long time." Tears welled up in her eyes. "I fell in love with him…and he…eventually he did too. But he always missed his family, always loved them and…and I don't think he could ever overcome that."
Dani stared at her mother, her eyes wide with sadness and confusion. "But…but he has me?"
Lisbon shook her head. "He doesn't know about you, Dani. He left, he went away before I even found out I was going to have you."
"Why did he leave?"
"Red John was dead and he…I couldn't make him happy." Lisbon admitted her failure with a great deal of pain. "I tried but I guess…I guess I wasn't enough."
"Would I be enough?"
Lisbon wiped the tears from her cheeks and put on a smile but shrugged. "I don't know. I hope so…but I'm not sure if he'll come back." She pulled her daughter close. "I brought you here because I want you to understand that he's just broken, baby. He's very sad and it isn't right or fair…and I'm sorry." She shook her head and met her daughter's eyes. "But this is your life, this is where you come from. Your father, your sister and her mother…that is your family too and I thought that you should know. You needed to know in order to understand why your father isn't here."
Dani stared at her mother, looking into her tearful eyes. "Was daddy bad to you?"
Lisbon was shocked by that question, apparently her daughter had heard so much more than she knew. "He hurt me…hurt me because he loved them so much and loving me at the same time wasn't an easy thing to live with. He wanted to make up for their deaths but…but doing so meant doing some very cruel things and he broke my heart…a lot. But he did love me, he still does love me, he just can't put himself back together enough to be with me."
"Why?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. I wish I did. All I want is for him to be happy, Dani. That's all I want."
"Are you happy?"
Lisbon wiped her eyes and nodded. "I have you. Of course I'm happy."
Dani smiled then. "Could I make him happy?"
She was quite for a moment as she thought about that. "I think you could make anyone happy, Dani." She meant that but she wasn't sure if there was any way to save Jane.
Dani turned once more and looked at Charlotte's grave. "She is my sister."
"Yes she is. Your sister."
The little girl let go of her mother, one hand holding limply to her doll as she walked over to the grave. "I wish I could know her. I wish she hadn't died."
Lisbon closed her eyes again but didn't say a word. She knew her daughter's pure heart believed that completely, but she couldn't bear to let her daughter know that if Charlotte Jane had lived then this little girl would never have been born. "You'll see her in heaven," Lisbon told her gently, "and she sees you now. I'm sure she watches you and loves you too…because you are her sister."
She pulled her daughter in for a hug, holding her close. "I love you, Dani. I love you so much because you are your father's gift to me. You're a gift for all of the pain that happened, proof that something wonderful can come out of something horrible. Never doubt for a minute that you aren't loved."
Dani hugged her mother back and they both stayed that way for a little while. Finally Lisbon pulled back and smiled at her daughter. "Come on, it's time to go home."
She turned around and looked towards the sun, sighing and swallowing her pain, then she took her daughter's hand and led her back to the car. They didn't speak at all until they made it to the vehicle as she was buckling Dani into her carseat and she noticed something was missing. "Dani, what happened to Susie?"
Dani looked at her mother solemnly. "I left her."
"Why would you do that?"
"It's dark underground," Dani told her simply, "I didn't want my sister to be scared, Susie will keep her company."
Lisbon gaped at her daughter.
She'd left her beloved doll at her sister's grave…to keep her company. What extraordinary creature had she given birth to? What selflessness had she raised? Lisbon couldn't stop the tears from coming now, instead kneeling over the back seat to sob.
"Mommy, don't cry," Dani said, stroking her hair, "please don't cry."
But she couldn't stop, wouldn't stop. She cried because this precious child was her daughter, so innocent and pure…and Jane would never see that.
It took a long time for her to finally manage to pull herself back together and begin the drive home. But the tears kept flowing even as she made a vow to herself. Patrick Jane would never hurt her child's innocence.
Even if she had to keep them apart.
Dani made one more request to her mother before the day was done. She wanted a picture of her sister to be in her room. The next day her Aunt Kate came over with a picture, the same one from her mother's book, and Lisbon put it in a frame rest by her bed, right next to the new one of her daddy.
She would stare at those pictures of her family, the new people she had never met. It was sad for her little heart to take, she wanted to know the girl who looked so much like her and the daddy who's eyes were so sad. Her sister had died and because of that daddy had hurt mommy, he'd left and she'd been born. That was all Dani knew and it was enough to fill her with a bit of pain.
Why couldn't her daddy be happy? Why did he have to hurt Mommy? Why couldn't he come home?
She yearned to ask her father those very questions but that seemed impossible, not when he was far away and no one could find him. Maybe there was a way though, a magical way for Dani to do this. Her mother said she could make anyone happy, if she could make her daddy happy, then she could make her mommy happy too.
Dani grabbed a piece of paper and red crayon and raced to Annie's room. Annie had moved in a couple of months ago and taken over the guestroom as her own. Dani had been told not to go in without permission and the door was always shut. So she knocked gently. "Annie? Annie? Can I come in?"
Annie stumbled the door and opened it. "What is it, DJ?"
Dani smiled at her name. Annie called her DJ because she was Danielle Jane. Mommy hated it but Dani liked being different, she loved her cousin so much. "Can you write a letter for me?"
"What?"
"I want to write a letter to Santa."
Annie raised an eyebrow at her cousin. "It'll be January in two days, you've got a lot of time to write a letter to Santa."
"But I need to write it now! Santa needs time to get it!"
Annie shrugged and opened the door wider. "Okay, I'll write it."
Dani saw that her cousin's room was really messy. Lots of clothes were thrown around on the floor and there were cookies peeking out of a drawer. But Mommy couldn't make Annie clean her room like she told Dani too, it would be nice to be grown up so she could be messy too.
Her cousin took the piece of paper and grabbed a hard covered book. "Okay kid, tell me what to write."
Dani jumped on to the unmed bed and smiled. "Dear, Santa. This is Dani, I know you are busy after Christmas but I only want one thing for Christmas now. I want you to bring my daddy home."
Annie stopped writing then and stared at her cousin. "DJ…what?"
"I want daddy," Dani explained, "And Santa needs to know."
"I'm not sure Santa can bring Wonder Boy here."
"Wonder Boy?"
Annie shrugged. "Your dad, he has a couple of names. That one's my favorite."
Dani giggled. "Wonder Boy!" she shouted, "but I like 'daddy'."
She smiled at her cousin. "Yeah I'm sure you do."
"I need to finish my letter to Santa."
Annie picked up the crayon again but hesitated. "DJ…you know it won't be easy…he might not do it."
"I know," Dani said sadly, "but I have to try."
Her cousin gave her a long look before putting the crayon back to the paper. "Okay, what else?"
"Please bring him here as soon as you can," Dani continued, "because I want to make him happy and for Mommy to stop crying. Thank you, Santa. Love. Dani." Then she thought of something else. "Oh yeah! Thank you for the tea party set, I love it very much. Mommy said my Daddy loves tea so I can play it with him when he comes!"
Annie dutifully scribbled it down. "Okay, that's good." She handed the note to Dani. "Need help finding an envelope so we can mail it to him?"
"Do we leave it by the fireplace again?"
"Yep," Annie agreed. "We'll do that tonight and he'll have it by morning."
"Good!" Dani declared, happily scampering off with her letter. She didn't see the sad look in her cousin's face or how much this would haunt Annie for a long time.
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Seven Months Later
Something was going on between Mommy and Annie, Dani was certain of it. Why else would Annie be mad at Mommy for making her take Dani out? And why else would Mommy let Annie take her out for ice cream so late? She didn't know what was wrong but that didn't stop her from enjoying the biggest ice cream sundae she'd ever seen! Annie said that Mommy was paying for it so she should get the best thing on the menu.
Then Annie had gotten a funny smile on her face and told Dani they were going home even though Mommy hadn't called them yet. Annie ignored her when she pointed that out, buckling her back into her car seat and driving them back home. "Annie!"
"I'm doing this for you, DJ," Annie told her honestly, "because your mom might be the coolest most amazing aunt alive but she's also a complete idiot."
"What?"
Annie pulled into the driveway, parking next to a car Dani didn't know. "Is someone here?"
"Yep," Annie said with a grin. She got out of the car to help Dani out. "DJ, remember that letter you wrote about your Daddy?"
"Uh huh."
"Well call me Santa Claus." Annie told her before opening the front door and letting Dani rush inside.
Dani didn't know what her cousin meant but she was excited to be home. She wanted to tell her mommy about the sundae. "Mommy!" She shouted, running down the hall, "We got ice cream and Annie gave me one with sprinkles and cherries and…"
She stopped running when she saw that her mommy wasn't alone in the room. Standing by her was a man with curly blonde hair and wearing a funny suit. He looked sad…but stared at her as if he was afraid too.
She knew him right away.
Her daddy was finally home.
A/N: Well what did you think? If you read You Are In My Veins then you know what happened next, if you haven't well then what are you waiting for? Now I have chapter 5 to finish but I hope you see why I had to share this little bit.