All is Not Right in the State of Jersey

Disclaimer: This is what happens when you watch the Matrix movies and then all four seasons of the Sopranos over the course of a fortnight. Perhaps the worst thing I've ever thought of or written. I hope it's funny enough to have merit in it's inherent wrongness and awfulness.

Second Disclaimer: The Sopranos and The Matrix are both property of their respective copyright holders. Used without permission. Whack me if you want for it, just don't sue, capire?

Timeframe: Around the start of Series 2 of The Sopranos

Setting:

The back room of the Bada Bing titty bar. Tony Soprano is sitting at his desk. Pauly Walnuts, Silvio, Big Pussy and Christopher are sitting around discussing their goombahs. Things have been quiet lately in Jersey. Too damn quiet. Tony's tension is cracking off of the walls and it's evident in the way he's looking at his Capos.

Pauly: "And this chick had tits on her that were to fuckin' die for. And a mouth that was just made for giving head. And as for her pussy, well… it was like fucking made of spandex, fit like a glove."

Pussy laughs. Silvio nods and is counting gambling profits from last night's friendly game of poker. Christopher smokes his cigarette and Tony glares at them.

Tony: "Don't you douchebags have anything better to do than to sit your asses round' here talking about blow jobs and that shit?"

Pauly: "Everything's in hand, Tone. Our shy's been collected, nobody's fuckin' askin' for whackin', all's right with the world. Relax. Have a beer."

Tony: "If I wanted a fuckin' beer, I'd have a fuckin' beer, wiseass."

Pussy: "Tony, what's wrong with you? You're as tense as a dog with a lit firecracker up his ass."

Tony: (stands up, outraged, ready to pick a fight) "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

There's a knock at the door. A hired goon comes in.

Goon: "There's someone out front to see yoose. Looks like a fed."

Christopher: "Aw, fuck!" Starts hiding money that was sitting on the table.

Pussy stands up and goes outside with Tony to act as 'back-up'.

Tony: "What the fuck is this? Who the hell are you?"

Smith: "I am Agent Smith."

Tony: "Are you fuckin' FBI? What the hell do you want?"

Smith: "I heard you were looking for someone who is …capable."

Tony (laughing): "Who do you fucking think you're kidding? You don't look like you could shoot a beer can off a fence!" Pussy laughs along with Tony.

Smith growls: "I am looking for employment. To a man like you my services could prove to be a valuable asset."

Tony (turning serious): "Whatever, pal. Get lost. Stop wasting my fuckin' time." Tony turns to leave. The sound of a Desert Eagle's safety coming off stops him in his tracks.

Tony (turning around): "Why you wiseass motherfucker…!" Tony goes for Smith. He almost gets a punch in before Smith starts pummelling him. Pussy tries to get in on the action, but two other men, dressed identically to Smith come storming into the bar and start fighting. Pauly, Silvio and Christopher come out of the back office, guns blazing but their jaws almost drop when they see the Agents dodge bullets. They engage the Agents in hand-to-hand and get their fuckin' asses kicked. Smith sticks his hand in Tony's gut, turning him into a Smith. The other Smiths do likewise to Pauly, Silvio and Christopher.

Smith (to his clones): "We run the family now." The clones exchange satisfied looks.

The next thing you know, the Bada-Bing's changed it's name to "The Construct". Panning over the inside, the bartender is a Smith wearing a white apron. The dancers are all Smiths. As are the clients. The back office shows Smith at a desk, two Smiths counting money, another Smith cleaning Desert Eagles.

Cut to a random Pizza parlour. A Smith is going in to collect his protection money.

Pizza Goon: "Who the fuck are you?"

Smith: I am Smith. You pay your protection to me now."

Pizza Goon: "Like fuck I do. I pay to Tony Soprano."

Smith (plunges hand in man): "Who do you think Tony Soprano is now? Eh? Douche-bag." (smirking)

Pizza Goon is now a Smith. Smith smiles at Smith, and hands over the money. The family is growing.

The end. Thank fuck.