The Phantom of the Opera Christmas Exclusive
The Phantom of the Opera Parody "POTO Christmas Exclusive" Scene One: The Opera Populaire, 1919
(An auction is underway inside the old abandoned dishevelled theatre and an old Madame giry and old Raoul are in the midst of bidding on the Monkey Music Box when Sarah Brightman appears)
SARAH: Hi everyone and Merry Christmas!!!!
(Everyone groans)OLD RAOUL: What are you doing here?
SARAH: Announcing the Phantom of the Opera Christmas Exclusive!!!"
OLD GIRY: Yes but we're trying to silently fight over this monkey thing
SARAH: Well get on with it-I'll just distribute these hats...
(She places red and white Santa hats on every cast members head, including the monkey box)
SARAH: Bye! And have a Pha-bulous Christmas!!! (She leaves and every rolls their eyes)
AUCTIONEER (wearing a Santa hat): Anyway…blah blah blah Raoul gets Monkey box…yadayadayadaya…strange affair…Chandelier!!!
(Big sheet is removed to reveal…a fully decorated giant Christmas tree? Well everyone is kind of caught between shock and horror as it rises above their heads and the overture begins…)OLD RAOUL (wearing a Santa hat): Oh dear god…
OLD GIRY (wearing a Santa hat): Fuck me with a frying pan…
(Christmas tree rises to secure its place where the Chandelier should hang from the ceiling. The overture plays (though sleigh bells are heard) and the theatre is transformed…with tinsel?)
Scene Two: Rehearsals onstage, 1870
(Rehearsals are underway for the upcoming opera 'Have a Merry Christmas and a Hannibal new year'. Sarah Brightman is seen chasing the cast around with Santa hats and tinsel. Everyone finally submits as the overture concludes)
CARLOTTA (wearing a Santa hat): From our saviours…
LEFERVRE (wearing a Santa hat): Hey everybody! I'm leaving you guys now cause O.G dumped me for some dumb bitch…Christine or something…
(Christine looks around nervously and subtly tries to hide behind a dancer)LEFERVRE: So heres our new managers-these two gay dudes Andre What's-it and Thingy-a-bob Firmin-enjoy!
(Andre and Firmin are both wearing Santa hats and wave enthusiastically to the dancers, who reply with promiscuous posing.)FIRMIN: Hey for the record, I'm not gay I'm just flamboyant-you won't know the meaning of gay til you meet our new patron!
EVERYONE: Huh?
(Raoul enters wearing false reindeer antlers on a sparkly silver headband delicately placed over his foppish hair)RAOUL (happily): Heya!
EVERYONE (Now understanding perfectly): Ohhhh…
RANDOM DANCER: Why did you get out of wearing a stupid Sarah Brightman Santa Hat?
RAOUL: Told it'd ruin my hair so she gave me these (points to antlers) Anypoodle, Gotta go-places to see and people to do so ciao! Luv yas! (Blows kisses and then leaves)
EVERYONE: Yep he's gay
(The rehearsal continues with the ballet girls strutting their stuff as the prisoner girls-but the whole shackles aren't working as Sarah Brightman replaced them with tinsel therefore with every move you hear the snap of tinsel)ANDRE: So…that blonde girl with the headlights-she free?
MME GIRY: She's my daughter!
FIRMIN: Ahhh must be where she gets her lovely…uh…assets from!
MME GIRY (unimpressed): indeed…
ANDRE: What about that dark hottie? She'd be a good ride-look at the way she moves-
MME GIRY: She is like my daughter!!!
ANDRE: well what about-
FIRMIN: shut up André-you don't know how many of these god damn dancers may be related to her
CARLOTTA (wearing a Santa hat on top of crazy Hannibal costume hat): What! About! ME!!!!!
FIRMIN AND ANDRE: huh?
CARLOTTA: Youa alla sucka! I hatea everyonea herea! Mya poodlesa woulda bea bettera managersa thana youa twoa! Theya woulda checka outa mea! Nota thosea ballerinaa whitea trasha! Anda Ia hatea mya hata!
SARAH: Why not? I think they all look lovely on you all-lets have a photo-
EVERYONE: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
(Sarah exits with a forlorn look upon her face)CARLOTTA: I hate everybody! I'm leaving to become a travelling hair artist! You all suck!
ANDRE: hey beautiful-sing a song for us?
CARLOTTA: sure thing
REYER: From the beginning of the aria then-
SARAH: no…
(Sarah confiscates his score of Think of Me and hands him a new one-Silent Night)REYER: What the fuck?
CARLOTTA: Silent night! Holy night! All is calm! All is Bright!
(Though Carlotta's voice doesn't sound half bad on this carol nonetheless a Santa present sack full of letters lands on top of her. Though the bag was feather light she still chucks a fit.)CARLOTTA: I'ma reallya leavinga!
(She leaves)FIRMIN (to the phantom): Dude! She was singing fine just then-why'd you try to kill her still?
PHANTOM (echoing throughout the theatre): I'm an atheist-I detest Christmas…
(A Santa hat floats from the rafters onto the stage-Madame Giry walks over to it and pulls out a letter written in green and red.)MME GIRY: Monsieur I have a letter from the Opera Ghost. He says you suck and no ones Santa hat looks as sexy as his...he also wants money
FIRMIN: Tell him to go to hell!
MME GIRY (calling out to the Phantom): Hey Erik-Firmin says to go to-
PHANTOM (echoing still): I heard what he said Madame…ho ho ho…
ANDRE: So who's gunna sing?
CHRISTINE: Ooh Pick me!
FIRMIN: No one here can sing it
CHRISTINE: Oh please pick me!
ANDRE: But this is an opera company-surely someone can sing a mere carol?
CHRISTINE: I can!
FIRMIN: It's not that easy Andre, first they need to know the words-
CHRISTINE: I know the words!
FIRMIN: got to sound good-
CHRISTINE: My tutor says I sound like an angel!
FIRMIN: definitely has to be hot-
CHRISTINE: Look at me! Look-tits! See I'm attractive!
MEG: Well if that's how you measure it then not as attractive as me
MME GIRY: Guys, how about Christine
CHRISTINE: Finally…
FIRMIN: I dunno-she is hot…
ANDRE: ok-sing something for us
CHRISTINE: Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright…
(Everyone is dazzled and the theatre transforms (yet again). Chrissie is now singing onstage with everyone in awe of her Christmas-carol-singing-talent)RAOUL: Oh. My. God. It's that ugly girl who stalked me! Well…used to be ugly…
CHRISTINE: Sleep in heavenly peace! Sleep in heavenly peace!
(Crowd erupts in to roars of encore and the alike)ANDRE: Maybe if I wolf-whistle her she'll sleep with me
FIRMIN: I thought you were…
ANDRE: I swing both ways
FIRMIN: ew…
Scene Three: In some Chapel
(Christine sits and lights some fairy lights for her twice-cursed pirate father…sorry wrong movie-for her dead musician nutso father.)
PHANTOM (echoing from above): Bravi bravi…even though I hate Christmas you made that beautiful…
CHISTINE (wearing a Santa hat): wow…creepy
(Meg enters)MEG (wearing a Santa hat): Hey girl where you been?
CHRISTINE: Been listening to dirty talk from my angel of music
MEG: …uhh should I even ask?
Scene Four: Christine's dressing room
(Christine sits at her dressing table, staring at what her Angel of Music has left her; a big candy cane with a black ribbon tied around it. There is a knock at the door and Raoul enters wearing his reindeer antlers and holding a bunch of holly)
RAOUL: ow!
CHRISTINE: Raoul!
RAOUL: eee! Oww!
CHRISTINE: What's the matter?
RAOUL: I was going to give you a bunch of flowers but Sarah Brightman forced me to give you this instead (hands her the holly and shows her his cut hands) Be careful-it really hurts!
CHRISTINE: ohhhh poor thing!
RAOUL: You looked so beautiful tonight-and you sung like an angel! Tell me-how?
CHRISTINE: Well when I'm in bed…at night…a forty-year old atheist man who lives underground sings dirty songs to me while watching me change!
RAOUL: ew…
CHRISTINE: Why does everyone think this is weird!!!
RAOUL: well, even though you're a freak I'm prepared to give you another chance...my house, tonight, in five minutes...meet you outside (my parents are away for the weekend)
(He leaves)CHRISTINE: Oh dear….
(She begins to change into her night gown, ready to leave for a night of fun at Raoul's humble abode-but her nightgown is not there-instead it has been replaced by a…a red and white girly Santa whore outfit!!!)CHRISTINE (wearing underwear and Santa hat): I'm going to kill Sarah Brightman when I next see her
PHANTOM: I know eh-she knows I hate girls in Christmas outfits
CHRISTINE: eh?
PHANTOM: I'm an atheist
CHRISTINE: Ohhhh…
PHANTOM: Wanna party at my place tonight baby?
CHRISTINE: Why not
(Mirror swings back and there stands a tall, sexy masked man in evening wear, holding her hand. He is also wearing a Santa hat)CHRISTINE (singing): In sleep he decorated…in dreams he baked…
PHANTOM (wearing Santa hat): Wha?
CHRISTINE: That voice which sings carols to me…and gives me pressies…
PHANTOM: ummm what?
CHRISTINE: And do I dream again? For now I find…The Santa of the opera is there…inside my mind…
PHANTOM: Girlfriend! (Music cuts out and she stops halfway in climbing onto the horsey) what the hell are you talking about? In dreams I bake?
CHRISTINE: You're Santa-you've got to have some Christmas pudding somewhere-and you obviously don't buy the crap they sell at the supermarket
PHANTOM: Why do you think I'm Santa?
CHRISTINE: Three reasons: 1. You're wearing a Santa hat
PHANTOM: So are you!
CHRISTINE: shush! Not important! 2. Sarah Brightman told me you were
PHANTOM: I'm gunna kill her…
CHRISTINE: and most significantly 3. Everyone knows that Santa's workshop is situated underneath a Parisian opera house in the sewers.
PHANTOM: I always thought he lived in the North Pole
CHRISTINE: Silly you! That's where the Phantom of the Opera lives! He's a half-masked deformed man who hits on innocent girls and their foppish boyfriends!
PHANTOM: Sigh-this is going nowhere
(They proceed to the lair in an agreed silence. As they arrive things pick up pace as the fairy lights rise from the water and the Phantom flicks them on as electric guitars play jingle bells.)PHANTOM (muttering): damn Sarah…messing with my lair…
CHRISTINE: Cool!
PHANTOM: Not really-hey but I wanna sing you a song AND YOU SHALL LISTEN!!!!!
(Christine sits down cross-legged and looks at him patiently.)CHRISTINE: Cool, I'm listening…
PHANTOM: Night time sharpens…
CHRISTINE: zzzzz…
PHANTOM: Christine?
CHRISTINE: (snores)
PHANTOM: Arrgh! Bugger!
Scene Five: Dancers Dormitories
(Joseph Buquet stands in the centre of the room dressed as a Santa, holding a bottle in one hand and a Punjab lasso in the other.)
BUQUET: In the book he's really ugly-like no nose and really a bad complexion
DANCER CHICK: Yes but this is the 2004 movie Christmas exclusive
BUQUET: Oh yeh-well he has an awful…sunburn! And dresses in a Santa costume! With gloves! And if you make fun of him he kills you!
MME GIRY: Hey Jo, you're an idiot-you're making fun of him
BUQUET: I sure am…
MME GIRY: He kills those who make fun of him…
BUQUET: …so?
MME GIRY: Your making fun of him
BUQUET: yes?
MME GIRY: He's gunna kill you
BUQUET: Your point?
Scene Six: The Phantoms lair/Workshop
(Christine awakes in a sleigh shaped bed to the little tune of the Monkey box playing 'Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer'. She gets out of bed then walks through the cave.)
CHRISTINE: I remember there was snow…and Christmas carols…and sleigh bells…and Christmas stockings…mmmmm Christmas pudding…yummo…oh and tinsel-lots of tinsel…
(Looks down at her bare un-stockinged legs)CHRISTINE: hey! Did you steal my stockings? (Points to the monkey box)
MONKEYBOX: Don't look at me-I'm not the psycho freak in the cloak
PHANTOM: Morning!
CHRISTINE: Hey…I wonder what lies beneath that Santa hat…maybe its where he's hidden my stockings
(She ignores the obvious trade-mark mask and instead goes to 'peel' off the Santa hat, finding her stockings but unfortunately, knocking the mask from his face. He is dreadfully sunburnt and has a giant pimple and she is horrified.)CHRISTINE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
PHANTOM (sarcastically): I can't believe you just removed my Santa hat-oh the horror…(realising his mask is gone) OMG YOU STUPID ROAD WHORE PROSTITUTE BITCH SKANK TRAMP SLUTFACE WITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????
CHRISTINE: (cries)
PHANTOM: Awwwww…she's so cute…like a kicked puppy-come here puppy!
(Christine scampers over to him enthusiastically)PHANTOM: Come those fools who run my opera shall be missing you…oh and ho, ho, ho…
Scene Seven: Outside the Opera Populaire, 1919
(For reasons unknown we are back to the future where Sarah Brightman chases those in the streets, switching their sexy old-time vintage cars with reindeers and sleighs. Old Raoul looks at Old Madame Giry who nods.)
OLD RAOUL: My place tonight?
OLD GIRY: Definitely
Scene Eight: The Foyer of the Opera Populaire, 1870
(The foyer is being decorated frantically by a heap of servants under the crazed instruction of Sarah Brightman. She runs about trying to make the Christmas tree straightened or the fake snow fluffier. Firmin enters looking flustered and appears to be singing something about mystery…)
FIRMIN: Gossips worth its weight in gold…Sarah what are you doing here? And what have you done to my foyer?
SARAH: Thought it needed a bit more jazzing up if you know what I mean
FIRMIN: No I really don't…
ANDRE: Where the hell is Christine?
FIRMIN: I thought you and her were 'you know' last night
ANDRE: She never showed up! Oh I'm gunna kill that Vicomte if she was with him!
SARAH: don't worry he's gay!
(Raoul enters)RAOUL: I'm in love!
FIRMIN: ew…who's the lucky man?
RAOUL: oh god! Did you think I'm gay? Hahahaha! As if! For some reason everyone always thinks that…(begins to file nails)
FIRMIN: I wonder why…
RAOUL: So where's Christine?
ANDRE: (fumes)
CARLOTTA: Where is he?
(Everyone runs and hides)CARLOTTA: Where is everybody?
Scene Nine: The production of Il Muto
(Somehow Carlotta got her role back as the countess who hits on pageboys who are in fact girls. The curtains open to reveal this opera and Christine's character, who is a boy, is dressed as a girl and is making out with Carlotta's character on a bed. Creepy.)
CARLOTTA: Hey everyone I'm a creepy old lady who hits on sexually confused servants
CHRISTINE: Hey everyone-I'm the mute pageboy
CARLOTTA: you're mute! Can't speak! Shut up!
PHANTOM (talking to himself): Now I'll kill her…or embarrass her…whatever
(Carlotta begins to sing but all that comes out is a croaking sound and she runs from the stage screaming.)ANDRE: Umm hey guys-sorry bout that
FIRMIN: But we'll buy some time for the phantom and continue the opera in five mins, hopefully if we're patient we might see some death!
PHANS: Oooh! Hooray!
ANDRE: For the moment we'll bring you the ballet of the many dancing sheep!
(A ballet begins to 'Jingle bell Rock' and the ballerinas are all dressed as Santa-whores. They form a chorus line and begin to dance while the sheep misbehave. Meanwhile up in the rafters, little old Phantom is chasing Buquet.)BUQUET: I'm sorry!
PHANTOM: you know I don't believe you!
BUQUET: what are you going to do to me?
PHANTOM: Well firstly I'm going to put your name on the naughty children list-you guys only get lumps of coal for Christmas
BUQUET: Nooooo!!!
PHANTOM: Now I'll kill you
BUQUET: sure thing-without proper Christmas pressies there's no point to life really
(Buquet helps Phantom place the Punjab lasso comfortably around his neck; the Punjab lasso however is made of tinsel and snaps, sending Buquet down onto the dancers.)DANCERS: (screaming)
AUDIENCE: (screaming)
PHANS (Sighing in happiness): Ahhh…the theatre!
Scene Ten: The rooftop
(Raoul and Christine are standing awkwardly on the rooftop. Christine is in corset, petticoats and red cloak-why can she put some clothes on already?)
RAOUL: How did we get up here?
CHRISTINE: I think they skipped a scene
RAOUL: Well I'd just like to say that I don't believe in this 'Phantom of the Opera'
CHRISTINE: But Raoul I've seen him
RAOUL (hands over his ears): blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah im not listening!
CHRISTINE: Fine…
PHANTOM (unseen, hiding behind a snowman): Ha! I'm safe! She'd never fall for a fop like him! Just hope none of them see that mistletoe
RAOUL: Hey Chris…
CHRISTINE: What?
RAOUL: There's mistletoe above us
PHANTOM: Damnt
CHRISTINE: so…
(They kiss, for a long time and Christine drops her candy cane tied with a black ribbon, courtesy of the Phantom.)CHRISTINE: Wow that was great-you're like really rich right?
RAOUL: yes Christine I love you
CHRISTINE: Wanna go hang out
RAOUL: Christine I love you
CHRISTINE: I'll take that as a yes…
(They leave and the Phantom goes to the dropped candy cane, crying)PHANTOM: this sucks so much…I know…I will kill them all!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!!
(Laughs like a maniac for quite some time)PHANS: Come on-where's the chandelier?
PHANTOM: Nothing interesting and chandelier-related is gonna happen for another hour so cool it…ho, ho, ho…
Scene Eleven: Streets of Paris, 1919
(Old Raoul is sitting in his car in the traffic. He watches a young couple looking at engagement rings through the window of Swarovski crystal. Suddenly Sarah Brightman comes in.)
SARAH: Oh my god guys-where are your hats?
YOUNG COUPLE: huh? Our what?
SARAH: Here! (Hands them Santa hats) Now beat it-Next scene!
Scene Twelve: Masquerade on New Years Eve at the Opera House, 1870…or is it 1871? Is it midnight yet? Ugh!
(The ballroom is beautiful except for the tattered tinsel hanging everywhere as Sarah Brightman runs around, distributing hats and hanging candy canes everywhere.)
FIRMIN: Well tonight is Fab!
ANDRE: I know darling!
MME GIRY: Darling?
FIRMIN: There's more than one engaged couple in this room
MME GIRY: Ugh
CHRISTINE: Raoul is it okay if I stuff this ring on a strand of tinsel then down my top-I don't want people to actually see that I like you-imagine the embarrassment!
RAOUL: Anything for you Christine
(Main characters realise there is a big clique of extras dancing in total synchronisation on the staircase...with fans)
CHRISTINE: Whoa! What's with those dancing people?
FIRMIN: they're like really in time!
ANDRE: And really enthusiastic
RAOUL: It's kinda creepy
MEG: And what's with all the fans?
MME GIRY: And the masks?
PHANTOM: I like the masks
(Everyone turns to see the Phantom walking down through the startled dancers and Raoul runs away.)RAOUL: oh my god I just remembered-im not wearing any clean underwear tonight! What if I'm hit by a bus???
PHANTOM (Wearing the standard red death outfit but with one addition-a red and white Santa hat): Hey guys look what pressies I have for you!
EVRYONE: umm it's New Years-Christmas is over
PHANTOM: Just shut up and be gracious!!! Now for Carlotta here's some vouchers to some trial acting lessons-CAUSE YOU SUCK! Piangi you're really fat so I've signed you up to Jenny Craig and got you the Buns Of Steel workout video-what do you say?
PIANGI (mumbles): thankyou Mr. Phantom
PHANTOM: Now for you Andre and Firmin-congrats bout that engagement by the way and here's your pressie (hands them a book)
ANDRE: Managing for Dummies?
PHANTOM: I'm sure you'll find it handy-oh and heres a little something I've been working on in my spare time (hands them score to Don Juan)
CHRISTINE: I have a feeling that there's nothing in that black bag for me
PHANTOM: Its brown you idiot! And no…(stops talking and becomes fixated with her very prominent cleavage)…I…err…ummm…well…hehe…see…well…err …Haha…ummm…mmmmm…well…eh…Oooh sparkly thing!
(The Phantom shoves his hand down her top and pulls out an engagement ring on a string of tinsel. He gets really angry and rips it from her neck.)PHANTOM: Has anyone ever before called you a STUPID ROAD WHORE PROSTITUTE BITCH SKANK TRAMP SLUTFACE WITCH!
CHRISTINE: Uhh yeh-you did-remember?
PHANTOM: Oh yeh (disappears in a flash of red flame)
(Raoul runs back in doing up his fly and falls through the hole in the centre of the floor)RAOUL: whoa! Hey what's with all the mirrors? And the over-use of holly?
PHANTOM: it's my torture chamber of doom!!!
(Raoul gets more and more confused until he hangs himself with the tinsel Punjab lasso in the middle of the room-but Madame Giry enters and snaps the tinsel with her fingernails.)RAOUL AND PHANTOM: Huh?
MME GIRY: Raoul you're such an idiot-lets go
RAOUL: Why does everyone hate me!!!
PHANTOM: Because you're a fop!
RAOUL: Oh
Scene Thirteen: Madame Giry's Room…Oooh this could get kinky…
(Raoul and Madame Giry are making out on her fun chez lounge with mistletoe hanging above it. Suddenly they stop and look awkwardly at the camera. Raoul darts back to his chair and fixes his hair and lip-gloss while Madame Giry straightens her skirts and Santa hat.)
RAOUL (awkwardly giggling and blushing): So, um, you were going to, um tell me bout the sexy Santa dude with the mask?
MME GIRY (also awkwardly giggling and blushing): uh, yeh, well, yeh-roll the tape
(We see a carnival where an icky gypsy dude whipping a poor sunburnt kid with tinsel whip. A ballerina watches the ugly sunburnt kid kill the creepy gypsy guy and then 'saves' him by hiding him underground at the opera house.)RAOUL: so um, can we go to the next scene-we have mistletoe awaiting!
MME GIRY: Yeh come one-next scene
(The lights go out and we hear make-out sounds-ewww! The fop with the old lady! Ewww!)
Scene Fourteen: The stables or something-wow this opera house has everything-stage, chapel, stables, mystical underground lakes…etc
(We see Christine in her underwear (again!) in the stables)
STABLE DUDE: Sorry but I'll only take you to the cemetery for five bucks minimum
CHRISTINE: what if I do this (She flashes him)
STABLE DUDE: 2 bucks is fine
(Stable dude goes to get ready as Christine goes to get dressed.)STABLE DUDE (singing to himself): Gunna get laid! Gunna get laid! Gunna get-
(At this point a giant plastic candy cane knocks him out and we see the phantom take the stable dudes place in the drivers seat.)PHANTOM (singing to himself): Gunna get laid, gunna get laid….
(Christine comes out wearing a black negligee that's all cleavagey and fun-I have come to the conclusion that this girl is a whore. At least she's wearing clothes this time…)CHRISTINE: To the cemetery!
PHANTOM (singing as they drive): Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh, all the fields we go, laughing all the way, bells on bobtails rings, making spirits bright, what fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight oh! Jingle bells jingle bells-
CHRISTINE: Ummm that is like really annoying…
PHANTOM: Sorry…
(They arrive at the cemetery in silence and she gets out and walks solemnly through the gates as the carriage drives away.)
CHRISTINE (singing wistfully): you were once my bed companion, you were a rough wild lover…you were once a dad and lover, then the fun was over…
RANDOM GRAVEDIGGER: awwwww hun did your husband die?
CHRISTINE: No my daddy
RANDOM GRAVEDIGGER: Ewww…im leaving
CHRISTINE: No more celibacy, no more one night stands, no more lying across a thousand beds…help me find another man…
PHANTOM (echoing from behind her dads tomb): I could be that other man
CHRISTINE: Could you? But daddy I thought you were dead!
PHANTOM (muttering to himself): …I had to stand behind her dads grave-I had to hide here…
CHRISTINE: Oh daddy-how bout we do it right here, right now!
RAOUL: No Christine! This man this thing is not your father!
CHRISTINE: on second thoughts the fop is right, your voice isn't as deep and sexy as daddy's was, so we wont be doing anything right now-
(At this point the Phantom jumps down in anger upon Raoul from on top of the tomb.)PHANTOM: Fine, I'll have to go for this guy then…
RAOUL: You'll do nothing of the sort! (Pulls out hot pink hairdryer as some form of weapon)
PHANTOM: Fine then, reject me! (Pulls out candy cane sword)
RAOUL: Bring it on biatch (Plugs hot pink hairdryer into PowerPoint on the nearest tombstone)
(The two begin to battle it out, as Christine gets bored.)RAOUL: ha! Whooooosh of the hairdryer
PHANTOM: swish of sword-like-candy-cane
CHRISTINE: Ummm, guys you know I've decided-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -that wearing a negligee-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -isn't such a good idea in the-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -snow, you know, like my boobs are going to-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -fall off from the cold any second now-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -and I'd really appreciate if we could continue this-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -once I go gets a fur coat or something-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -or maybe one of those cute Santa outfits with the skirt-
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -you knows what I like mean?
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -right?
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -guys?
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -guys?
RAOUL: Whoosh
PHANTOM: swish
CHRISTINE: -oh my god-LISTEN! (Pulls extension cord of Raoul's hairdryer from tombstone power point)
PHANTOM: swish hehe! I slash you fop!
RAOUL: not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair not the hair!
PHANTOM: ha! (He cuts Raoul's shoulder and nicks off a couple inches from his hair)
RAOUL: NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO!!!!!!!!!
CHRISTINE: Raoul, pull yourself together!
RAOUL: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
(He catches the phantom unawares and forces him to the ground he has him cornered)RAOUL: prepare to die!!!!!!!!!!! (He is about to smash the phantom over the head with the hairdryer)
CHRISTINE: lets go Raoul!
RAOUL: but I want to kill him, please! He cut my hair!
CHRISTINE: no! Cause then there's a plot dead end! We haven't even sung "Point of no return" yet and that's the most sexual song of all!
RAOUL: did you say 'sexual'?
CHRISTINE: (Rolls her eyes) yes Raoul
RAOUL: lets go then
(They jump on sparkles the unicorn and gallop off)PHANTOM: mmmmm, I love that song, lets go! And if I get time I might throw a chandelier at somebody-you never know!
THE PHANS: yay!!!!
Scene Fifteen: Raoul's wonderful idea
(Raoul is seen explaining his idea to Andre, Firmin and Madame Giry-you know all the opera-y peeps.)
RAOUL: we have all been blind
MME GIRY: no we're not! Wtf?
RAOUL: Metaphor!!!!!! We shall put on the phantoms stupid opera even though I've read through it and it's just like this phantom like character making metaphorical love to some chick through the whole thing. We shall place Christine in the chicks role and obviously the phantom wont take advantage of this opportunity and come on stage, make metaphorical love to my bride-to-be then steal her and she'll never see me or my silky smooth hair ever again! So while she's performing he'll obviously come and watch and not join in on the show like I've just explained and we can fill the opera house with lots a of police dudes and bombs and shit. And it'll totally work! There's no way he could use his hidden ninja trapdoors to his advantage!
MME GIRY: you're an idiot
RAOUL: I prefer to take that as a compliment…
Scene Sixteen: The chapel
(Christine is seen wearing some form of black and white skirt ensemble and is crying-the lighting makes her look very strange. Raoul enters looking very pleased with himself.)
CHRISTINE: Raoul don't make me do this
RAOUL: Why not?
CHRISTINE: Your plan is stupid!
RAOUL: No its not…
CHRISTINE: If I go onstage the Phantom will come on as well and kidnap me and I'll spend the rest of eternity making love to him in his overly decorated batman cave!
RAOUL: on second thoughts-can I play the lead and be kidnapped?
CHRISTINE: No…I'll do it…
Scene Seventeen: The first and only production of Don Juan's First Christmas…
(The stage is decorated with red and green drapes everywhere and sexy Spanish dancers are draping themselves everywhere while Christmas carols play. There's this huge spiral staircase thingy wrapped in tinsel and we see Sarah Brightman spraying the edges of the wings with fake snow.)
REYER: Sarah…get out of here!
SARAH: Hold on one second…
REYER: Now!
(Sarah runs and places Santa hats upon the Spanish dancers heads and they stand around looking confused at the hats.)SPANISH WHORE NO#1: ummm?
SPANISH WHORE NO#2: Lets go
(Spanish whores leave and Piangi comes onstage wearing blue eye makeup)PIANGI/DON JUAN: So Passarino-do you think I look sexy enough to seduce that Aminta hottie?
PASSARINO: I think you look like a drag queen
PIANGI/DON JUAN: Pfftt!
(Piangi leaves the stage and we see the Phantom dressed in the same Don Juan outfit strangle Piangi with his tinsel Punjab lasso.)PHANTOM: I despise blue eye makeup…ho, ho, ho…(swoosh)
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: hey everyone im gunna get laid…(Sits down to straighten garters or something)
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: Passarino, go away cause I'm gunna get laid…
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: Shit that's not Piangi…
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: You have come here…
SARAH: Nope! That's scrapped! Heres the new lines! (Shoves new scripts into Christine and the Phantoms hands-they look at each other and shrug.)
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: Uhh okay…Ho, ho, ho merry Christmas…?
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: err Hey Don Juan hows your Christmas?
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: ugh pretty good Aminta but do you know what would make it better?
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: I don't know-what would make it better?
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: If I was able to give you a present-cause giving is the best thing ever
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: umm Erik? (She suggestively drops the shoulder straps off her shoulders)
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: Yeah I agree-screw it!
(They feverishly begin to make out onstage. They kiss and their arms flail as they walk slowly up the staircase in an embrace. They stumble across the stairs and then across the bridge panting heavily. Reyer meanwhile is fighting with Sarah Brightman and finally retrieves the REAL score of Don Juan Triumphant. PONR begins to play and Christine and Erik awkwardly pull apart and stand with embarrassment giggling slightly and looking at each other like a couple of teenagers caught 'at it'.)
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: hehe…when will the flames at last…hehe…consume us?
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: Past…hehe
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: Screw it! (Begin to make out again…what are they? Nymphos?)
RAOUL: Wonder if they're up for a threesome?
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: no! Go away you fop!
RAOUL: (Cries)
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: So can I take off my clothes?
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: Sure thing babe…
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: Can I take off your clothes?
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: Sure thing babe…
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: What about the mask? (She rips off his cute Zorro mask and Santa hat revealing his terrible…sunburn!)
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: (sarcastically) oh my god you ripped off my Santa hat…woe is me…
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: ummm I ripped off your mask as well
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: OH MY GOD YOU STUPID ROAD WHORE PROSTITUTE BITCH SKANK TRAMP SLUTFACE WITCH!
CHRISTINE/AMINTA: ouch
PHANTOM/DON JUAN: arrggghh!!!!!!
(Cuts down the giant chandelier-sorry Christmas tree and it falls down upon the audience as he kidnaps her off stage.)THE PHANS: Hooray!
XMAS TREE: smmmmaaaaaaaassssssssssshhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
THE PHANS: Ohhhh…we better get outta here before we get smushed
Scene Eighteen: the cellars of the opera house
(We see the Phantom screaming swear words at Christine as he drags her to the caves below. They enter his lair and are taken aback by the sight of Sarah Brightman attending to nine reindeer.)
SARAH: Heya guys
PHANTOM: Sarah…what have you done to my lair?
Sarah: I just thought you might've gotten a bit bored down here to have resorted to killing people and spending twenty years solely writing an opera all about sex so I thought maybe you needed a pet…or nine.
PHANTOM: …
SARAH: Now, here's a list of instructions and all their names (please don't be hard on Rudolf-he's got a bit of a deformity with his nose)
CHRISTINE: You probably shouldn't mention deformities especially those concerning noses to this one-he's a bit touchy-
(Erik swiftly Punjab's Sarah and the whole opera house explodes in joy)
PHANTOM: now…where were we?
RAOUL: Thank god I found you all!
EVERYONE: groans…go away you fop!!!
RAOUL: I have come to save my darling Christine!!!
CHRISTINE: From what?
RAOUL: Remember-evil guy with sunburn?
PHANTOM: how does she need saving-we were just about to plan our honeymoon? Now about that I really want to go to New York-they have lots of basements we can hang in…
CHRISTINE: But I wanted to go to the Caribbean…or maybe the Greek Islands…
(They both turn to look at Raoul)
PHANTOM: You're still here-may I ask why?
RAOUL: (Gapes in confusion)
PHANTOM: Ahhh…that's why
(Phantom swiftly Punjab's Raoul and Christine skitzes out)CHRISTINE: oh my god Erik-must you do that to everyone?
PHANTOM: as if I do it to everyone?
CHRISTINE: Well why are you constantly on buying more rope from wholesalers?
PHANTOM: I need rope for…things…
CHRISTINE: Listen-how many people have you killed?
PHANTOM: (Sheepishly) ummm…
CHRISTINE: fess up-how many?
PHANTOM: twenty in the past week…
CHRISTINE: I can live with that
(Kisses him for a very long time)
PHANTOM: (cries)
CHRISTINE: huh? You're still ugly?
PHANTOM: (stops crying) huh? What did you expect to happen?
CHRISTINE: Aren't you supposed to be raised above our heads and in a flash of blinding light be changed into a beautifully handsome Prince Charming and we ditch the fop?
PHANTOM: uh-uh…wrong fairytale
CHRISTINE: So there's no possibility of you ever turning into Prince Charming?
PHANTOM: No, not really
ANGRY MOB: We are a mob and we are angry
PHANTOM: Ahhh crap
ANGRY MOB: we have come to kill the phantom and all that hang with him in his lair…including make out buddies and fops
CHRISTINE: Come one Raoul-Lets get outta here!
PHANTOM: But…
CHRISTINE: no time to say goodbye!
PHANTOM: but!
(She and Raoul leave on gondola and Phantom looks around dejectedly)PHANTOM: well that went well
(goes and turns off stereo system and everything turns quiet, he turns to his largest gilded mirror and crosses his fingers in hope)
PHANTOM: Come on…Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who I the hottest of them all?
MIRROR: I don't know but it definitely ain't you sunburn boy
(The Phantom goes nuts and smashes all the mirrors while laughing and jumping up and down on Sarah Brightman's corpse. Wow he's a creepy dude!)
ANGRY MOB: We're getting closer!
PHANTOM: Ahhh shit! Better hide!
(Runs through large broken mirror as the angry mob enter)
ANGRY MOB: We are the angry mob and-whaaa?
(They enter to find a Sarah Brightman corpse being fed on by nine reindeers)ANGRY MOB: Wow where's the deformed guy
(They see Rudolf with his red nose)ANGRY MOB: hey he's deformed-GET HIM!!!
Chapter Nineteen: Graveyard, 1919
(Raoul is on wheelchair and is pushed towards Christine's grave. We see that she has been dead for two years.)
RAOUL: (cries)
(Places monkey box on grave and cries a bit more)RAOUL: (Cries)
(He opens his eyes and spots a candycane with a black satin ribbon tied around it with the ring on it. Attached is also a note.)RAOUL (reading the note aloud): To my dearest Christine, Rest in peace we have had some vigorous times together. Missing my regular make out sessions, Love from Erik, xoxoxox
(Realisation enters Raoul's face)
RAOUL: Son of a btch!
Fin