A/N: This idea came to me via a conversation with queenred12, and it all started with her review. [The moral of that story is: REVIEWS ARE MAGICAL!]
The following is a crack!fic/spoof of the best sort. I love it, you'll love it, we'll all love it. It was fun to write, and the mental images are priceless. Read it, review it, love it! :D
By the way, today, May 25th, 2010, is my SECOND ANNIVERSARY as a user. :) Yay me! Two (official) years of fanfiction is indeed a reason to celebrate. :3
Anywho, this story is dedicated to the lovely queenred12. Enjoy. :)
"Isabella Marie Swan! Hold yourself still or I'm having Emmett come in here to hold you down!"
"FINE. Are you almost done?"
"Almost. I promise. It just needs a little more tape riiiight…. there. I want to make sure my Bella doesn't get hurt in all these accidents she keeps having," Rosalie cooed.
"I don't fall down on purpose, Rose. And it hasn't been that bad lately! Are you sure this isn't a little over the top, Rosalie?"
"Bella, you dislocated your pelvis yesterday. You were making spaghetti."
"…"
"Exactly. That's what I thought. Okay, now we're all done. Let's see if you can walk."
Bella waddled easily across the living room. The layers of plastic bubble wrap surrounding her caused her pace to match that of a geriatric turtle, but she could move nonetheless.
"I feel silly, Rose. Nobody wears bubble wrap."
"Well, I wouldn't say nobody. I would say most people don't wear bubble wrap. But, most people also don't walk into trees. Or sliding glass doors. Or parked cars. Or school buildings. Or…."
"Okay! Okay. I get it. I got it."
"Good. Here's your helmet, and don't you dare forget the mouth guard, missy. I'm going to go pick up a few things from the store. Do you think you can manage to not completely annihilate yourself while I'm away?"
"I'm covered head-to-toe in forty-three-and-a-half layers of bubble packaging, Rose. Honestly, how much trouble could I get into?"
At least, that's what Rosalie thought Bella said. The mouth guard made it hard to tell for certain.
… TWENTY MINUTES LATER …
"Bella," Rosalie called. "I'm back!"
Rosalie waited patiently as she heard Bella rumbling around upstairs. Moments later, a timorous Bella began waddling down the stairs. She was noticeably less padded, though her shiny red helmet remained in place, and miles of deflated bubble wrap trailed behind her.
Rosalie stared at the girl in disbelief.
"Bella! I used forty-three-and-a-half layers of bubble wrap and more duct tape than a redneck hanging Christmas lights! How in the world did you manage to destroy it all?"
"Well, see, what had happened was this: You left, right? Okay, so I decided to go upstairs. Well, the stairs kind of tripped me up. Four times. But, it only busted a little bit of the bubbles, so I thought it was okay. So, then I made it upstairs, and I was trying to go to my room, but then the helmet slipped over my eyes, and I couldn't see all of a sudden, and so I accidentally ran into the door. That in itself didn't bust any bubbles, but I did fall backwards and hit the floor when my head bounced off the door frame, so that did bust some."
"Okay, that explains these patches and that one patch there," Rosalie said, pointing to the flat places that corresponded to Bella's anecdotes. "What about the rest?"
"Well, after I got up from the floor, I saw my shoe was untied, so I bent down to tie it and I was too close to the stairs, apparently. I toppled over sideways and tumbled down to the landing there. I'm glad you bought me a helmet, Rose. Otherwise, I'd be in bad shape, I think. Anyway, I then gave up on being upstairs, because it apparently was not meant to be. But then I had to pee. So, I made it back upstairs, again, and used the bathroom. Then when I was washing my hands, my feet got caught up in the rug, and I lost my balance. So, I fell into the bathtub and got caught up in the shower curtain. Charlie's rubber ducky busted these bubbles here when I landed on him," Bella said, pointing to some former bubbles on her right hip. "And poor Mr. Quackles got popped, too," Bella said, her lower lip slipping out into a pout.
"I'm sorry for your loss. Now, please continue. You have lots of 'splainin' to do."
"Well, then I climbed out of the bathtub, and I finally made it into my room. It was really stuffy in there, so I wanted to open my window, and it didn't want to cooperate, so I was going to pry it open with one of Alice's shoes that she left here. I put the stiletto under the window and pulled it backwards, trying to lift the window some, and the shoe flew free and hit me square in the chest, and I fell down. Again. But, man, those stilettos sure can bust some bubbles."
Rosalie was still doing what she'd been doing since she'd arrived: shaking her own head, and resisting the urge to shake Bella's. Her one true love wasn't a mere human, which made her breakable enough. Oh, no, she was a clumsy human, maybe even the clumsiest human. And by clumsy, Rosalie meant dangerous. Bella never walked more than thirty yards on uneven ground, not unless she had a death wish.
"And even after all of those explanations, there are so many flat spots that aren't accounted for. Why... You know what, Bella? Nevermind. I don't even want to know what else happened. I really don't. It just baffles me that you can bust every single bubble on forty-three-and-a-half pieces of bubble wrap in twenty minutes. You are some kind of special, love."
"Wait! I didn't bust every bubble! I found one right here on my shoulder! It's still alive!" Bella giggled. "I'll show you."
She began to walk towards Rosalie, layers of the remaining bubble's fallen comrades dragging along the wooden floor.
Boom! Crash! Splat!
"I'm okay, I'm okay!" Bella shouted, getting back to her feet.
Bella was indeed okay. Sadly, the last remaining bubble was not.