A/N: Not inspired by the TV show "Forever." No one dies and comes back to life, I swear. (Well, LITERALLY). Just a little oneshot I've been working on for a while that encompasses missing parts from season 11. Mostly a Meredith/Amelia fanfic, as it's told from their points of view, but Derek is very much present. If you follow me on Twitter/have read some of my other stories, you know I'm obsessed with the idea of Meredith/Amelia. Amelia and Meredith are such dynamic characters that I can't not explore their potential relationship. Also, the beginning of this chapter was inspired by the Amelia Shepherd character Twitter account (AmeliaShephGSM). Anyway, I hope you enjoy. If you don't, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
She might as well have moved to one of those monasteries where no one was allowed to talk. Amelia Shepherd felt like she was already living in one, after all, as she sat in complete, deafening silence. Her brother was sitting on a barstool in the kitchen with his eyes glued to his laptop, while his wife lounged on the couch reading a book. Amelia inhaled sharply, observing as Derek and Meredith refused to look up or make eye contact with each other. It had like this for weeks, ever since she had been awoken by their yelling in the middle of the night one night, when Meredith told Derek that she was not moving to D.C., and Derek proclaimed that he should not be forced to choose between his job and his family. He quit his job the next day, clearly only creating more problematic endeavors for his marriage.
They had both put Amelia in an incredulous awkward position.
Amelia had not signed up for this. She had not come to Seattle expecting her brother's marriage to be on the rocks. In fact, she had come to Seattle initially to visit and obtain an insight on her brother's perfect married life. James had just proposed, and she had been freaking out, having her own doubts about if she was truly capable of becoming a wife and eventually a mother. It wasn't in her nature. Her life consisted of mistake after mistake. Her sisters and brother were all very much put together. She had always been the black sheep.
Now, she didn't know what to make of Derek and Meredith's situation. Derek had douche tendencies, so she totally saw Meredith's perspective. She loved her brother to death, but he always had been egocentric and had acted like the world revolved around him. It was who Derek was. He believed he was the entitled one.
She couldn't take the silence any longer.
"Brrr, is anyone else cold?" Amelia cringed, rolling her eyes and feigning a shiver as she crossed her arms.
Her brother and sister-in-law looked up for the first time in hours. Amelia noted as they made eye contact with each other for a brief moment before turning their attention to her.
"It is a little chilly in here," Meredith acknowledged in agreement. Derek's face showed that he was confused, though he said nothing as his eyes directed at his wife. Meredith set her book down and said, "I'll turn on the heat."
"I can get it," Derek suddenly insisted, also standing up.
"I've got it, Derek," Meredith responded bitterly. "I think I'm perfectly capable of turning the heat on. I may not be able to cure death like you, but I think I can handle turning on the heat just fine."
"I didn't say you weren't capable of turning on the heat. I just thought I'd save you the trouble…"
"Oh, you get to decide what's trouble for me now, too? Just like you decided to stay here for me, because you do everything for me," Meredith rolled her eyes, folding her arms together.
"I do!" Derek shot. "I do everything for you and the kids."
"And you love to remind me, don't you?" Meredith sarcastically noted.
"Okay, okay! You know what, it's not cold in here anymore. It's all heated up," Amelia scowled, digging her fingers into her scalp, on the verge of pulling her hair out. "I'll just go to my room now…"
"No, you stay," Derek barked, shooting his wife an arduous glare. "I'm going to bed." He stomped into the kitchen and grabbed his laptop, then vanished into his and Meredith's room, leaving Amelia and Meredith in silence. Meredith shrugged, returning to the couch to pick up her book. Amelia bit her lip, studying her sister-in-law's exiguous figure.
Meredith felt Amelia's eyes on her. It wasn't like she had planned to fight with Derek in front of Amelia. It had just happened. She felt bad that Amelia was placed in the middle of all this. Amelia had been so helpful with the kids recently, and she had been nothing but support. She never pried nor asked questions about her and Derek's relationship, which Meredith appreciated very much.
She was angry at Derek for staying in Seattle, and he didn't seem to gasp why she was angry, and she didn't understand why it was so difficult for him to understand why she was mad. He already resented her. She felt the resentment in his voice every time he asked her if she had made progress on her research, every time he asked her if she was closer to making medical history, every time he asked her about her day. He'd given up a huge opportunity to stay in Seattle and turn her life into a living Hell. It wasn't fair to anyone who had to be around them. For the kids' sake, they tried to keep it together. When the children were awake, they could focus their attention on them. Meredith knew that it was children holding them together. She also knew that Derek had only stayed for the children. She didn't doubt for one second that Derek would be gone now if it weren't for the children. After all, he'd had no problem leaving Addison on the other side of the country to start a new life. (In the mean time, not telling Meredith that he was married). He claimed that he chose her and the children, but Meredith knew he'd just chosen the children. She was just part of the package.
It wasn't right.
"Look, I'm sorry about that," Meredith apologized sincerely to her sister-in-law. "I know you shouldn't have to be in the middle of this. You didn't ask to be, and you've been nothing but supportive and helpful. We really appreciate having you around."
Amelia scoffed. "I'm not sure if Derek appreciates having me around. I think I might cramp his style." Meredith lifted an eyebrow, perplexed by Amelia's remark. Quickly, Amelia contested with a deep sigh, "Never mind."
"No, carry on. I'm all for Derek-bashing at the moment," Meredith deplored.
Amelia was well aware that Meredith was all for Derek-bashing in that moment. She didn't want to add fuel to the fire, although temptation was eating at her. Meredith might just be the only person who understood her trivial feels toward Derek. They were both trapped under Derek's deiform shadow.
"Derek really loves you, you know," Amelia beamed, forcefully smiling. She curled her lip under her top teeth. Meredith could be intimidating at times. She came off as cool and hard, but Amelia knew her heart was in all the right places. She was a good mother, and she wanted, in her mind, what was best for Derek.
"How do you know?" Meredith asked dully.
"I just know," Amelia contended. "Well, one. He chose to stay. I mean, this is Derek Shepherd, King of all things Neuro and the most egocentric person I know. He doesn't give up opportunities like this. Heck, Addison couldn't even get him to come home and they lived in the same city. That's why their marriage fell apart. He stayed here for you. If he'd been presented this opportunity when he was still married to Addison, there's no way would have turned it down. Even if she wasn't a cheating whore."
"Okay, Amelia, I think you and I both know Derek didn't stay here for me. He stayed here for the kids. Had he and Addison had kids, it would have been a different story. He would have stayed with her," Meredith protested.
"You can tell yourself that, but I don't believe that for one second," Amelia rebutted. "Have you seen the way his eyes seeth with sadness when you're fighting? They've been seething with anguish all week, and honestly, it's killing me to see him like this, because I've never seen him like this before. It's a side of Derek I don't know. My brother was always the one who lifted the rest of us up when we were down. After Dad died, Derek kept it together. He kept us upbeat. I don't know the Derek that is walking around here, moping and mourning like someone has died."
"News flash: He's not upset because he's fighting with me. He's upset because he gave up an opportunity to cure death, and he's blaming me. Mind you, I never asked him to give it up, so it's his problem, not mine." The fury in Meredith's voice was evident. Amelia expected Meredith to storm off, but she didn't.
"I know you didn't," Amelia said. "I'm in your corner, Meredith. I am. It's just...Derek and I both grew up without a father. My mother raised five children without a husband. I think my mother would have given anything to have been able to choose to keep my father in our lives."
And it was then that Amelia realized that her brother had changed since moving to Seattle. He had found true love.
Meredith froze. Amelia had dug up the common core ship of their childhoods: both had been raised by single mothers. However, their situations were sincerely different: Meredith's mother had chosen to leave her father. Ellis had chosen to move across the country. She had chosen to raise her daughter by herself.
Derek's mother hadn't had a choice. Carolyn's husband had been ripped from her and her children's lives without anyone getting a say. His father had been taken from their lives in the most vile, gruesome way possible. In ways Meredith could never imagine losing Derek.
Her heart weighed heavily in her chest.
"Shit," she mouthed, having an epiphany. It's something she hadn't thought about. Maybe it was because Derek seldomly brought his father up himself. Now, Meredith felt bad.
"And Derek has a history of absence," Amelia pointed out. "He doesn't want to make the same mistake he made with Addison with you, and that shows how much he cares. Yes, he can be an unbearable ass at times, but you have to see where he's coming from."
Meredith swallowed a coiled lump in her throat. Tears wallowed in her eyes as woeful thoughts whelmed in her head. "I, uh, should talk to Derek," Meredith murmured, swearing she'd heard Amelia murmur, About freaking time, as she left.
She left Amelia in the living room, hoping Derek would be awake as she walked quietly into her bedroom. She found Derek wide awake, looking at his computer. He didn't look up from his screen as she entered. She eyed the blue post-it note above their bed.
Love each other even when we hate each other … no running …
When she looked down, she caught Derek's gaze. Their eyes locked as she sat down on the edge of the bed. He closed his laptop and continued to make eye contact. Neither spoke. Their longing gazes ceased to bread as they met each other's eyes and Meredith noted the seething, boiling lament in Derek's eyes that Amelia had referred to. She swallowed a coiled lump in her throat and finally extended her hand to grab his. He set his laptop on the endtable and folded his hand into hers.
"Hi," he finally mouthed.
"Hey," she replied. Tears watered in her eyes. "I-I'm sorry." An unknown force within her caused her body to lunge forward into his arms, and he embraced her, wrapping his arms tightly around her slender body.
"I'm sorry, too," he whispered in her ear, his hot breath throbbed against her eardrum. "I don't mean to make decisions for you. I just...I don't think sometimes."
Her heart beat rapidly in her chest. She hadn't come into the room expecting an apology or for Derek to acknowledge his wrongdoings in this situation. She was pleasantly surprised. A smile broke her lips.
"Derek, we both grew up without fathers," she cried, tear streams running down her cheeks, "and you were right the other day. I've been acting like my mother and in the worst ways possible. She chose to keep me from Thatcher. I blamed him my whole life for not being part of my life, and I would never, ever do that to you. I hope you know that. I would never keep you from our kids. I don't want them to grow up without a father, either, because I know how painful that is."
"Shhh," Derek soothed, rubbing one of her tear streaks with his thumb. "I know you would never keep me from the kids. I can't be a good father from the other side of the country, Meredith, or a good husband. You shouldn't be put in a position where you're the sole caregiver."
"I know, and I know you think I cornered you, but I didn't mean to. I just...Seattle is my home, and I feel like I'm not finished here. Like I'm supposed to be here. I can't explain it, and I know you'll never understand it and I'm not asking you to understand it, Derek." He nodded but didn't say anything. "Derek, you already resent me. Your voice is seething with resentment every time you ask me about my career progress. You know I can't change the world over night. It really hurts me. And we're not going to make it if you're going to resent me for the rest of your life, and I don't want to feel guilty for holding you back."
"Well, what's done is done," Derek said grimly. "I quit. I chose you and the kids. It's not just about the kids. It's you. You're the love of my life, and I can't leave you. Kids or no kids. I want to be where you are for the rest of my life, even when we're old and smelly." He pointed up to the blue post-it note above their heads. Take care of each other when we are old and senile. Meredith's heart dropped.
"I just don't know how we get there," Meredith confessed; her body permeated with the warmth from Derek's body heat. It was the closest they had been physically to each other in weeks. She had missed him. Now she never wanted to let him go. She was scared to let him go, to lose him, to get lost somewhere in the wind.
"Life is full of bumps in the road," Derek whispered. "But we have to conquer them together, and we can't conquer them together if I'm in D.C. and you're in Seattle. You're my wife. I want to be wherever you are, now and in twenty years when our kids are gone. I don't care where that is. I want you. Did you really think you could get rid of me that easy?"
Meredith grinned weakly. "I guess not." She swallowed fear. "This is forever."
"This is forever," Derek echoed.
"The truth about forever is it is happening right now." ~ Sarah Dessen