AN/ So this is the end of it, and while this little self imposed challange has definitely had its rough patches, it really has been fun.

A special shout out goes out to those of you who have read every single one of these. I know that some of them have been ridiculously long, but I appreciate the effort.

"The ultimate choice for a man, in as much as he is given to transcend himself, is to create or destroy, to love or to hate."

--Erich Fromm

The BAU, the big league, you would have been intimidated if you weren't so excited. That changed quickly as you found something quite different than you expected.

You knew it would never be singing and dancing, but everything feels dark once you walk in, like the bright day outside could do nothing to lighten the mood.

It sort of puts a damper on things, and then it hits you...

Absolutely no one wants you there.

You're the intruder, the replacement, the stranger, the outcast.

You've never been an outcast in your life, and you are fairly sure that you don't like it.

And all the sudden, all you want to do is run away.

But you are Jennifer Jareau, and if there's anything you aren't going to do right now,

it's run away.

When the tech girl from down the hall comes to introduce herself, you can't help but feel as though she's rescuing you from being swallowed up by this big terrifyingly dark office.

So you do the only natural thing you can think of.

You give her some candy from the candy dish you brought.

And you tell her how terrified you are.

And you watch as contempt she held washed away.

And you feel better.

Like this might not kill you,

You only think it will.

You get to meet the rest of the team,

And its terrifying,

Because while Garcia already extended the hand of friendship to you,

You have a feeling that some of the others aren't giving you the same courtesy

And then you see him,

He's kind of cute in the boy next door, awkward kind of way.

He stammers something about the origin of media coordinators,

And you just smile,

Because part of you likes that you can make him blush.

You are by no means an unattractive woman,

But you don't usually have that power over someone.

And all these thoughts are running through your mind,

And then you meet Morgan,

And you are hard pressed to find a reason not to shoot him with your gun.

He called you "Honey"

The last person to do that was your mother,

And even she gave up on that one.

Gideon is a nice guy,

But he seems burnt out,

And doesn't seem to really want you there

And you think the idea of him running his own team is a little scary.

Because while you know that he must feel absolutely guilt ridden,

He still allowed six agents to get blown up,

And you don't really know how to ignore that one.

And so as you walk to your office, you wonder if this will ever get easier,

If you will ever feel like less of an outsider,

And then you see your new boss,

And you begin to panic a little, wondering if he hates you as the others seem to,

But he surprises you by giving you a faint smile,

Not one that is an obvious attempt to win you over,

but one to give you a small boost.

And suddenly, the prospect of running into Aaron Hotchner again doesn't seem so bad.

Sometimes, you seriously think you miss all of the good stuff,

You missed getting to see Gideon go back into the field because of a stupid doctor's appointment,

And apparently they found the new Agent who is going to fill in the opening with the team,

Morgan says that she'll do a good job, and you have faith in that,

While it took a little bit of work, you discovered that deep down,

You liked Morgan all along,

He's a football fan and he understands your love for peach rings,

And you being a small town girl, can't think of anything more important than that,

Other than his favorite Nascar driver of course.

And in the few months, other things have changed,

Like you got a new haircut,

And you started to wear heels to work,

Both those endeavours however are nothing compared to all the things that have stayed the same.

Reid still doesn't talk to you because you make him blush.

Hotch is still married.

Garcia is still talking to her troll dolls.

Gideon is still suffering from PTSD.

Morgan is still a womanizer, you only find it less disgusting.

And you still run from commitment.

Reid talked to you,

It wasn't like he told you his life story,

But it was definitely a start.

And part of you feels really excited,

Actually,

All of you feels really excited,

Because you do have an insane crush on him,

One that reminds you of being fifteen again.

But you try to not dwell on that,

Because being fifteen is never exciting.

But all of this---

It makes you very excited.

So excited that you are getting hyper,

And you don't really want Morgan to see you giddy,

So when you get home, there is only one way that will suffice in soothing you,

Running,

Because whether you are doing it literally or figuratively,

Its the one thing you can always rely on,

Your own two feet making their own pace.

Garcia somehow discovered that it was Reid's birthday.

You know that she could probably find anything,

But it still surprises you that he isn't over the moon about it.

Spence has always struck you as the birthday type,

And here he is avoiding the conversation like the plague.

And then you get the hint that maybe he has never had a proper birthday,

And that won't do.

Everybody deserves to have a proper birthday,

Especially Spence.

Now you just have to ensure that he doesn't run away as you place the large, cake shaped hat on his head.

Some people just don't know how to have fun.

You are on a date,

You are on a date with Reid.

And you have no idea how feel about it,

Because part of you feels really excited,

And the other part of you feels nauseated.

And you aren't sure you feel nauseous in a good or bad way,

Or in a way where you had a hot dog for the first time in years,

But here you are,

On a date with Reid,

And while the nauseous thing is questionable,

The excited thing isn't.

And you smile as you as you get to explain the rules of the game to him,

Though you can tell he read a few books concerning the matter before for research,

Because while he has a working knowledge of the rules,

He insists on using all the correct terminology.

And then he asks you something that you should have been prepared for,

He asks why the receiver is running that far from the pack,

Because basic physics dictates that a closer distance would optimize his ability to actually make the touch down.

But this strikes you as odd,

Because all you think to yourself is

"Because they can't hurt him if he's already gone."

And that's when you realize that no matter how charming Reid is,

No matter whether he cares about you or not,

It doesn't matter,

Because you run.

You will always run.

And now you know,

That he isn't a runner.

And while you've heard miracles can happen,

You wonder if they can happen for you.

Hal is here,

And you have no idea how to feel about it,

Because when you first see him,

Part of you hopes he has changed from the guy you knew in college,

The one who ended up being a jerk,

The one that you dumped because he didn't know how to be a gentleman,

And as you talk to him for a minute,

You think there is a chance that he's grown up--

Then again,

Maybe not.

Because he asks for information for 'Old times sakes',

And this makes you slightly nauseous,

So you tell him some snarky remark about his tie,

Because it really is ugly,

And then the jerk has the gall to show up to the press conference,

Which he nearly ruins,

Causing the Copeland's to panic,

And that's when you become increasingly grateful that you always run from relationships,

Because he had nothing to offer,

And running keeps you from settling down with the likes of him.

How could running be so good and yet so bad at the same time?

Teenage athletes wouldn't ruin their future for a quick weekend getaway,

They wouldn't.

Because you wouldn't have.

You would never have jeopardized that.

And the minute you see their picture in Polly's mother's hand,

You know that they and you are one and the same,

You soccer girls have to band together,

Even when Morgan doesn't understand,

Because you aren't going to give up on them,

Because it would be like giving up on yourself,

And you have a strict "no giving up" policy,

Especially against yourself.

And so you will pound out every last detail until you find those girls,

And even as the parents turn on each other,

You will not give up on those girls,

And even as Chief Yates says there isn't a case,

You will not give up on those girls,

And even as Brooke and Polly come to the station, with no Kelly in sight, obviously broken from the emotional upheaval they have suffered,

You will not give up on those girls.

Because they deserve a chance to run with what life has to offer.

They deserve to screw up their lives on their own, without people doing it for them,

They deserve to learn what too many lemon drops with tequila can do,

They deserve to be able to learn what its like to stress about college soccer,

They deserve to grow up as normal individuals

They deserve to learn how to run from pain themselves,

And you,

You are going to make sure they get that chance.

Reid's a genius.

You've known that for a long time.

When he figured out that Tobias wasn't just a witness--he's the UnSub,

You just don't know how its possible that his mind could work so fast.

But when he suggests the two of you should split up, you know it feels wrong

You're just not sure why.

But you hear the gunshot, and it sickens you.

Because you hope desperately that Reid managed to get the kill shot.

But a part of you knows that he would have called out to you to let you know he was safe.

So you do the only logical thing at the time.

You enter the barn.

It doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Until you step in something sticky and suddenly your world turns into a slasher film.

And you swear that the blonde always dies first,

But you are way too busy being terrified to really think of the hair color injustices of the day,

Because you hear the dogs, the dogs that ripped a woman to shreds,

And now they're coming at you.

You've always liked dogs,

But now you don't even have time to think.

You shoot.

And pray that your shot is as good as you think it is.

Otherwise, you're going to have to run.

You don't know how long you've been standing in the darkness.

But its found a way to surround you,

To penetrate you,

So that all thoughts of peace are far from your reach,

And then the barn door opens,

And you are sure you are going to have to shoot your way out,

Because after the hell you've just endured, your sure relief just isn't an option yet,

Because relief never came when you needed it,

And so as you point your gun,

You see the terrified glances of Emily and Morgan waving you down.

And you just want it to be over.

But its never over.

It can't be over

Because Reid is missing.

And you can't help but know that it is your fault.

No one will look you in the eye.

No one is going to come right out and say it.

So, you ask Morgan, because you know he won't lie to you.

And he doesn't.

And you realize that it really is your fault.

If Spence dies, it will be because of you.

Because you are weak.

Because you didn't run fast enough.

And you just can't seem to get away from those dogs.

Because they're chasing you--

just like the guilt,

And you can't get away.

But you need to know, you need to be sure,

You need to be sure that you can be an agent.

Because right now, you don't feel like anything.

And it terrifies you.

So, you make Garcia let you watch the most recent murders.

Because you should be okay.

And as you watch the woman be slaughtered,

You feel absolutely disgusted,

Because you keep picturing Spence being the one sliced open.

You picture yourself being ripped apart by dogs,

And you just can't run from the images.

But that doesn't matter now, because Spence needs help.

So, you force yourself to stay put--not to run.

And you force yourself to wait.

Because you won't let yourself break down in front of the team.

But when the team finds Spence in the graveyard,

You rush to him.

Because he has to know,

He has to realize,

It's all your fault.

Even as his words of "It's okay" fall on your ears,

You know.

It's all your fault.

Reid is acting funny.

You realize how odd it is that you only call him Reid now.

You used to flip between the two.

But now,

It's always Reid.

Because he's changed.

Something's different.

And Spence is gone.

Because of you.

You know that something is wrong,

But you make excuses for him.

You apologize to Emily for him.

Because for some reason, she is taking the brunt of his anger.

And each time, it seems like she just wants to hide.

But Reid uses her for letting out his frustration.

But it should have been you.

So you try to let him be.

You try to let it go.

And you try to make sure that you have an eye on him.

And you hope that you won't run yourself ragged.

But it doesn't really matter,

Because it's all your fault.

But you're not going to let it happen again.

So, this is what it means to be between a rock and a hard place.

Because you want to be there for Spence,

You want to be there so that someday your fascination with him could have a shot at developing into something more,

But right now,

You hurt too,

You are scared too,

And you as well have no idea where you are going with life.

And Spence, he isn't Spence anymore

He's someone else,

Someone new to you,

Someone that you know that you can't learn to love the way you did Spence,

So until he's Spence again, nothing can happen.

But Will is right now,

Will can make you laugh right now,

Will can be there for you right now,

And for once, you'd rather go for the instant gratification.

You'd rather be the one being held than doing the holding,

And while its a give and take,

You feel like there is a chance that you and Will could get along really well in the long term,

And so while it practically kills half of you to hand over your card,

The other half of you feels pretty giddy to do so.

Because you have to be the one running your life,

Not Reid's condition or whatever the hell is wrong with him.

And you pray that you aren't making the biggest mistake you have ever conceived.

A night out with the girls.

It's been too long since you've done this.

And you want Prentiss to feel welcome.

Because most of the time, she's content to hide at her desk in the bullpen.

Because you like her a lot better than Elle.

Not that you didn't like Elle.

She just kind of scared you.

And while Emily is up getting drinks, you have no problem telling Garcia this.

And she readily agrees.

But, when Emily brings Brad back to the table,

You're sure that you like Emily better than Elle.

And even though your cell phone rings and ends your glorious evening.

You can't help but smile as you watch Brad run away.

The local sheriff is kind of cute.

And if you didn't already have a plane ticket to New Orleans for next week, you might think of flirting with him.

But you're a professional.

So that would be very unlikely.

But you offer your sage words of advice.

Because it's hard to break the news to family members.

And as the sheriff, he's going to have to do it a lot.

It's one part of your job that you oddly would never give up.

Because while it's incredibly hard to be the one to tell a family member that their loved one didn't make it,

You can empathize.

And you genuinely know what it feels like to lose someone you care about.

So you wouldn't want it to be anyone else.

Because some things are too important to run from.

You hate it when Detectives come to your office.

Because ninety-nine percent of the time,

There's nothing you can do to help.

The other one percent of the time,

They come having not filled out the paperwork.

And you get it, because they think their case is the most important and life threatening.

The problem is, at any one time you've got at least thirty cases that are the most important and life threatening.

So when the Detective walks in, you barely pay him any notice.

Until he says that there could be sixty three victims.

Sixty three.

And it suddenly doesn't matter anymore that this guy is a little off.

Because it's sixty three people.

And when you try to brief the team, and Hotch brushes you off lightly.

You push.

Because you're not going to let this go.

And for a moment, you're afraid you overstepped your bounds.

But when he allows you to go with him to Kansas City and just try,

You see something in his eyes that you didn't notice before.

Respect.

Maybe it was for pushing him.

Or maybe it was because you have no evidence that a case is actually happening.

Whatever it is,

You don't want to lose his respect.

And as he reveals that the Detective just may be suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,

You cringe.

Because you could just be wrong.

And you usually run from being wrong.

Because you hate being wrong.

But when Hotch insists that you could also be right,

You feel a shred of hope.

Hope that is quickly dashed by the Chief of Police.

But for sixty three people, you're willing to look like an idiot.

When you see the envelope on the table--from Missouri--you almost shout for joy.

Because you were right.

And now, the case is federal.

So, you have to find this UnSub.

Because you can't let it get to sixty four.

You remember what it's like to be in college,

And it disturbs you that some buy would be preying on college girls.

Because maybe Gideon is rubbing off on you,

But you know what its like to want to be carefree.

So you find yourself offering comforting words that you know should wait.

You tell the girls that you have someone in custody.

Because it's true.

You've been at this job long enough to trust the profile.

Nathan Tubbs is the UnSub.

But when another girl dies,

When you have to face the newest victim's friend,

When you feel her spit hit you in the face,

It's hard to trust the profile.

But Gideon assures you to remember the times its worked,

To remember to trust the profile.

But its hard as you look at the death that has plagued the community.

You, however, are a professional.

So, even as you board the plane, you pick up the small stack of case files you brought with you.

And you hope,

You pray,

That you won't be too late this time.

Because though you run from every major decision in your life,

You can't run from the victims.

And you hope that you and the team are running towards the right victims.

Because there are a lot of sickos in this world.

And far too many victims.

David Rossi is coming back to the BAU.

You know that he won't remember you--

You were, after all, standing in the back of a library during his lecture.

But it doesn't make it any less exciting.

And then you realize something,

The guy giving the lecture and the guy sitting on the plane are two very different people.

And you realize that Rossi,

While an excellent profiler,

Is kind of an ass.

And you pray that he doesn't have any progeny,

Because a personality like that must run in the family.

When you saw Jason Clarke Battle's pitiful face through the glass door,

You realized that there were some things that no matter how badly you wanted to, you couldn't run from

And now,

You killed a man.

You've had to take a shot before, but,

This is the first time you've watched as the life left the body,

And it didn't feel like you thought it would.

Because this rush was enough to get Elle,

And you honestly feel a little sick.

Maybe a little more than a little,

You killed a man,

How do you just rebound from something like that?

But then you see Garcia,

The friend you had before you knew the meaning of the word,

And she says that she never wanted you to be put in that position,

And you can tell she feels bad,

But you don't.

Because you, and so you say to her, you would do anything to protect your family.

And that's what the BAU is to you,

Family.

And you can't run when family gets hurt.

You push away having to acknowledge that it's possible,

Because there's a job to do.

And being pregnant is just going to have to wait.

Because women are being murdered,

And for some reason, you can't help but picture yourself as one of the victims.

And as the truth comes out, that Charlie Wilkinson followed in the footsteps of his father,

You are mostly terrified.

Because this thing inside of you,

This child inside of you,

If there is a child inside of you--

because you're still not entirely sure--

What will it learn from you?

You aren't some killer,

But you don't want to mess up this child.

You don't want it's life to be ruined by decisions you've made.

And, though you were hoping you could avoid it,

You know that you have to.

You know that its time,

You're going to have to take a test.

Because you have to know.

You just have to quit running,

Because running has brought you nothing in life worth the damage its done.

And as you watch Will walk away,

You know that this is the time to really stop running,

Or not.

This is when in a chick flick the girl would start running after him--

Because that's how you live your life,

Is by what the chick flick would do.

Because you have no capacity for romance,

And as you kiss him,

You wonder if you can ever really stop running,

Or if you'll just be damned to a life of running in place.

But Will is here now, and that's enough,

Well,

It should be enough for you.

Shouldn't it?

When Morgan mocks you for picking the stalking case case,

You know where he's coming from,

But you've seen too many cases where the BAU was just a little too late.

Or where there was only a small connection,

Only to find that there were far more victims than you realized.

So, you fall back to your old friend.

You lie.

You pretend as though "being too late" is your greatest fear.

Although it is a pretty big factor.

When really, it's just that you don't want to admit the truth.

That you are too busy avoiding the little pink strip on a plastic stick to be content to spend this day at the BAU looking over files.

And so what if there's no body?

You need to be doing the right thing.

Because you've seen too many cases that you've had to turn away, only for them to come back to your desk months later.

With a lot more victims.

You convince the team to go, to at least check it out.

Because you've made it a point to care about the victims.

And the running from your own problems,

Well,

That's just an added bonus.

But somehow, you can't avoid it anymore.

You're pregnant.

You don't want to be,

But you're pregnant.

And no matter how badly you want to run from it,

You can't,

And now you have to tell Will,

And that's scary,

Because he will use this as his big platform for getting married that he's been on since that case in Miami,

And you are even less ready for that than to be a mother,

And that says a lot.

What moron would give you a child?

You are far from maternal.

Babies hate you.

Not as much as Reid, but still enough to cause reason to worry,

Your nieces only like you because you bribe them with candy,

What moron would give you a child?

You have to call Will.

This case isn't one of the worst you've seen.

But it's pretty bad.

When Will shows up, you think that it's mildly romantic.

And kind of corny,

But romantic.

And then you see Hotch,

And for some reason,

You feel like you have to justify yourself.

Because you feel guilty telling him this,

You shouldn't,

But you do,

And while you know you are supposed to feel happy,

You want to run and hide

But you think nothing of it until you hear the news,

Hotch's car got blown up,

And the fear you feel,

Its really not platonic,

But that's alright,

Because you are just going to have to get over it.

Because Will here and he deserves more than that.

So,

You are just going to have to run away from what you want.

Ouch.

Really, ouch.

Okay, ouch was an understatement earlier,

Because this is really-- ouch--painful.

You begin to wonder if the baby inside of you knows how much pain he's putting you in,

And if that he knows that its not the best idea since you will be the one feeding him,

Ouch.

But you are careful not to say anything,

Because the entire team is on baby alert, waiting for any excuse to drug you up and get the baby out,

And you are being induced in three weeks,

And you have important things to worry about,

So Henry is just going to have to wait his turn,

Ouch...

And suddenly you know that he's Will's child,

And he doesn't like to wait,

Well, actually, that would make him your child,

But there is no time for the semantics,

And you are perfectly content on blaming Will right now,

He's the one who did this to you anyway,

But there isn't time for that right now,

Because Reid needs you,

And while you may not be harboring a secret love for him anymore,

He does deserve your help,

But then stupid Garcia has to notice your breathing.

And as you tell her that everything is alright,

She knows you well enough to know that you lie,

So before you know it,

Hotch is speeding to the hospital as Emily and Garcia chant for you to keep breathing,

Until you suddenly get the urge to bear down,

And then they start to scream.

Because while they are excited for the baby to come,

Neither one of them really wanted you to have him in the car,

And so Hotch speeds faster,

The sirens blaring loudly as you try to figure out why you decided to have a baby any way,

And suddenly you wonder if there is anyway for you to change your mind,

Because this really does hurt,

Ouch.

But there is no running away from the pain,

Not when you are carrying it in your womb,

And so as you finally reach the hospital,

You feel relieved for this finally to be over,

But then you find out that you are only dialated to a four,

And the nice doctors won't give you any drugs because you and Will asked them not to,

Because for some moronic reason, you at one time thought you wanted to go through with this without the aid of medicine.

Ouch.

You are the dumbest woman alive sometimes,

And fifteen hours later,

Ouch is the only thing on your mind,

Even when the doctor tells you to remember your lamaze breathing,

Ouch is right there at the tip of your tongue,

And as Will tells you that you are doing a great job,

You want nothing more than to shoot him for doing this to you

And your only thought when you hear for one final push is

"I think I'm going to die, this is the worst thing I have ever been through"

And all the sudden,

You feel like you did the splits on a barrel of TNT,

And you promise yourself that you will never have sex again,

Because it isn't worth it,

It isn't worth this,

And then,

There's a cry,

The cry of your newborn son,

The cry of your little Henry,

And now it seems like it was worth it,

And as you hold him for the first time,

The nine months you spent throwing up doesn't seem so bad,

The last fifteen hours seem a lot less dramatic,

Because he's your little guy,

And you have never loved anything so much in your life,

And while its sudden and unplanned,

You're a mom.

And the idea of that doesn't make you sick like it did when you first found out you were pregnant.

Granted, you aren't in your prettiest moment,

But you have to let the team see little Henry,

There is simply no way around it.

And so when Emily, Hotch and Garcia see him first,

The two women gush uncontrollably,

Causing you to laugh like never before,

And then Hotch is there,

Being his usual silent self,

Only this time a wide smile is plastered on his face,

And secretly, you are glad you get to share this with him,

Because Hotch deserves to smile.

And though you would never admit it,

There is a slight pang as you see him smiling at you,

Because Will never smiles at you like that.

But you aren't allowed to think things like that,

So chalking this little mental dialogue as a symptom of transition,

You continue to proudly show off your baby boy.

And then Reid finally shows up,

And you are sure that he looks terrible.

But as you tell him that you want him to be the god father of your son,

He cheers up a little,

And then you realize,

That you were always meant to love Spence,

Just not always in the way you had originally thought.

And that's something that you don't really need run away from.

Maternity leave day 21,

You are a terrible mother,

It has become apparent that your child will have to grow up on prepackaged processed foods,

Because you can't cook.

You can't cook at all,

You tried boiling water, and you managed to burn it.

The first day of having a clean apartment was alright,

But now its a mess again and you have no inclination to do the giant pile of laundry awaiting you.

And the baby loves you,

But he's asleep for the majority of the day,

And doesn't even to seem to notice that you are the one feeding him.

And Will is starting his new job with DCPD,

And it is in this moment you know,

Whoever let you be a parent is a moron.

You have no business being a stay at home mom,

Because you are bored out of your mind,

And you don't even do it particularly well.

And then you get a phone call,

And when you see its Jordan Todd,

And when you answer it,

You try to pretend to not be so eager,

Because you are supposed to be enjoying this.

So you consciously let it go until the fourth ring, though it nearly kills you.

All the while praying that the phone doesn't wake up Henry.

Because as much as you love him,

You swear that he doesn't do anything other than cry.

"Hello," You say sweetly, as if you weren't waiting by the phone, begging for anyone to try to contact you.

"Hey JJ, this is Jordan." She says softly, you can tell she's trying to keep the others from hearing, and suddenly you are intrigued. "How's leave going?"

"Oh its great." You lie, because truthfully, you are going insane. You actually spent an hour seeing if you could change the channel using your mind. If that doesn't signify insanity, you don't know what does. "I just love it."

"Oh." She says, and you swear she sounds a little disappointed. "Well, never mind then."

"What did you want to say?" You press, knowing that if it has anything to do with a case, you are all ears.

"Its nothing that can't wait for three weeks." She responds defeated.

"Well, you can tell me now." You say innocently, though silently you are dying for her to go on.

"I was just wondering if you were aching to come back sooner than planned, but by the looks of it..." She begins, though you give her no time to finish.

"When do you need me?" You blurt enthusiastically, hoping you didn't say it loud enough to wake Henry. Because if that baby starts screaming one more time you think you might cry. "I mean, yes, I can come back soon."

"Are you sure?" She asks nervously, though you can tell she's relieved. "Because I wouldn't want to--"

"Trust me." You say seriously, "I am more than ready to go back to the BAU."

And with that,

You are back in the game,

And you try to make sure that you are running back into this,

But you know that if you have to watch one more episode of Paula Deen,

You will lose your mind.

So maybe running is the better option in this scenario.

It's your first case back,

And you miss Henry terribly.

But you love having something to do.

Even if it does mildly disgust you that the thought of "what's happening on the Paula Deen show?" creeps into your mind.

But you smile as Garcia does everyone's horoscope.

Because even though you've seen Penelope almost every day of maternity leave,

You missed her.

And you think you just might be able to do it.

You just might be able to be an agent again.

Even though you're a mom.

But when you see the parents hoping for just a shred of positive news that their daughter could be alive,

You believe that maybe the psychic isn't so bad.

Because you know that all they want is hope.

And what's so wrong with that?

When Rossi continues to vent his frustrations at you, you don't even care.

Because all they want is hope.

And who cares if it comes from the FBI or from a psychic?

But Hotch's words cut you more than you let on.

Because even though you aren't a profiler,

You still thought he respected you.

But you refuse to run.

Because you know you're right.

Hope, no matter what form, is important.

You see how upset Dave is,

Because Dave wants to protect everyone he meets.

But it's not his fault.

You've played the game with guilt before.

It never works.

Because you always feel guilty,

And no good comes from it.

So you tell him a secret---

Your secret.

Because you've never told anyone before.

You've never told anyone why you're in the bureau.

You sure as hell haven't told anyone that you are in the BAU because of Rossi's influence.

And you hope that maybe, just maybe, you've managed to give him a little perspective.

Because its not about the balance sheet of right and wrong,

Of good and bad.

It's doing enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

And you've always been good at running from those.

Being an agent always came naturally to you,

But being a mom,

Its starting to fit too.

And you never thought that they would come in direct conflict with eachother,

But now,

Now, you know that you all the while have been just tempting life to throw you a curve ball,

Because its do or die time,

Are you a parent or an agent?

And all you want to do is runaway from making any choices that you can't take back,

But you don't have that luxury.

Because you can't wear both titles anymore,

Because there is a bio-hazard alert, and your son could be in danger,

But the minute you tell Will to take Henry and get as far away as possible,

You put other children in danger,

And Hotch tells you that the job needs to come first,

But it can't anymore,

Not for you.

Because whether you planned on it or not,

You're a mom,

Whether you were made for this or not,

You're a mom,

And there isn't anything more special than that,

So as you dial the familiar number,

Knowing full well that Hotch and the team will never understand,

You make the choice.

And then---

Nothing.

Here you went through Hell trying to decide whether you were a parent or an agent,

And Will isn't even home,

Its like life made you choose,

All to tell you that you didn't have a choice either way,

But you still don't regret your decision,

Because you now know for next time what it will come down to,

And you know what your choice will be,

Because you're a mom.

You spot Hotch and Emily laughing about something in the break room,

And you are shocked to find that you care.

And while you would love to say that its because Hotch doesn't smile,

And that you are happy for him that he's so happy talking to Emily,

That isn't the case.

Because for some reason, you are really bothered by this,

Because you don't want him smiling at her,

So you reinforce your fist lie with a second,

The only reason you aren't so keen on this progression is because you don't want things to be awkward,

Because you are friends with both of them,

But that's a flat out lie again,

Because you wouldn't be annoyed if Emily was laughing with any other member of this team,

And so you tell yourself a third lie,

You are just upset because you don't want Hotch to get hurt again,

And at this point,

Your world is so full of lies that you don't know which ones to believe,

Which ones would cancel at the truth, though you know it fully well,

Because deep down, its not that Emily and Hotch are laughing together that you can't stand.

Its that he's laughing without you.

Its that he's happy without you,

And you know you can't think this,

You have a boyfriend, you aren't allowed to think this,

But you don't want Emily to get to have Hotch,

You want him,

But you tune out your selfish id that is always telling you what you don't need to hear,

Because you are sure that its just deceiving you,

But you can't shake the feeling of jealousy,

Because while your id is telling you things you don't need to hear,

Its also telling you the truth,

And the lies, no matter how much you'd rather listen to them can't compare with the truth.

But you can't want Hotch,

You can't have Hotch,

Because you have a Will back home,

A Will that has actually tried chasing you,

And you can't be unfaithful,

Even in your thoughts,

So as you shut yourself into your office, hoping that if you don't see it that you can forget it,

You know the truth that you can't run away from.

And that scares the hell out of you,

Because there has never been anything you couldn't out run,

And now,

You are hiding out in your office with the blinds closed, hoping that you can ignore your two single coworkers having a simple conversation.

And now you are ninety percent sure that you are going to get struck down by lightening,

And then Will calls,

And you feel even worse,

And while you would love to say that this passing fascination with Aaron Hotchner is just you trying to cope with the recent growth in your and Will's relationship,

That is the biggest lie of all,

Because its not a passing fascination when you have felt it everyday since you had begun at the BAU.

But right now, the truth holds no appeal,

So you will do the thing you do best after running,

You are going to lie.

Will just doesn't understand

He loves you,

But he doesn't understand.

Because he's content to stand in one place,

And you--

You've got to run.

Not necessarily away,

But you have to be running,

And you don't really know if he has it in him to continue to chase you.

And so you stand there,

In the middle of the bull pen,

Trying to find anything to help you avoid going home,

Because this is you running away,

This is you screwing it up,

Just like you have screwed up every relationship before.

Because you know that as of this moment, he is packing his bags,

And you don't want to see him go,

But you don't know if you want him to stay either.

You have no idea what in the world you want,

And this completely terrifies you.

And then comes Hotch,

Hotch who has silently been on the edge of every moment of your life,

Hotch who you know could help you pick back up the pieces,

And you have to have faith in that no matter what happens from this point on,

You will at least have one friend,

And he puts his arm around your shoulder,

But you, craving human contact, want more,

So, you figure after working for Hotch for the last six years,

After he has basically ruined every vacation you've been on since you've started,

Because he has been a splinter in almost every relationship you've been in,

You don't feel bad pulling him into a hug.

Because you need a hug.

And Hotch is there to give you one,

And part of you--though you would rather die than admit it, wonders what else you could be there for.

The art of 'Running into' someone is supposed to spontaneous,

Its supposed to go unplanned,

So does it count when you stalk out Hotch's dry cleaner just to see him the next day?

While you did have dry cleaning to get done,

This might have been a bit extreme.

But you don't regret it,

Because once you see him,

The doubts you had about last night flush away,

The thought that you shouldn't have let Will go leaves you,

Because there is that reassuring smile to guide you through.

And secretly,

You are looking forward to many more "Running into's" to come.

So here you are,

Kissing your boss,

Why are you so stupid sometimes?

You hope that you didn't ruin a good thing,

Because your friendship with Hotch was a good thing,

And you should run away now,

Now is when you should be running away,

But you aren't--

Run now!

You try to command yourself,

But you stand there in place, still continuing on with it.

Acting as though this is what you want,

Because it is.

You do want this.

You have always wanted this.

And in the race against life,

You don't get any false starts,

You can't run before you are ready,

And you aren't yet.

And so for the time being, you'll stand still.

Who knows how long this is going to last?

Running is a very familiar concept to you,

The moment you feel the twinge in your calves,

You're off,

Because running isn't just a way of escape,

Because it makes you feel like your flying,

But---

And there is a but,

Dating Hotch,

Its a similar rush.

And you never thought that anything not running, could produce the same feeling.

But maybe its that in the end,

You still are running,

Only this time,

You actually found someone who could keep up.

It's time.

For the big announcement.

And you're palms are sweaty.

Because you just want to run away.

What is he going to say? You ask yourself.

Because you really don't know.

And you hope he understands.

"Aaron, we need to talk." You say, and his surprised look does nothing to quell the butterflies in your stomach.

"Okay." He says questioningly, putting the newspaper down on the floor and patting the seat on the couch next to him.

"I--" You start. And stop. Entirely unsure how to start this mess, you try again, "I've always been a runner."

"I know." Hotch scoffs, and you can't help but smile as the dimple that rarely is shown makes his appearance.

"I--it would probably be easier if you just opened this first." You say, handing him the small, thin, rectangular box that has been wrapped so neatly.

His eyes widen as he looks inside.

"JJ, is this--?" He begins, but you can't let him say it.

Because you have to explain.

"I've never been one to be tied down. To be committed to a relationship. With Will, he was always chasing, but he was never fast enough. Because I just felt like I had to get away. And I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I want to show you that I'm in this relationship one hundred percent."

"But this means, we're--" He said questioningly, the gears in his head moving as fast as Spence's would.

"I want this. I want you to want this too. But I want you to know, that whatever you decide, it doesn't matter. Because I'll go at your pace."

"JJ--" He starts, completely caught by surprise at you're revelation.

"I'll run at your pace." You smile as he pulls the object out of the box.

"So this means?" He asks, daring not to hope. You know that he's wanted this longer than you have. He just didn't want to push you. But you're ready for this. More ready than you was last time, with Will.

"It means what you want it to mean." You say as he holds up the object--a key to your house.

"So we can--?" He allows the sentence to trail off, not wanting to push you harder than you are ready for.

"I'm asking you to move in with me."

This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

Though if it were up to you, you would have just eloped to Atlantic City,

Or just gotten a Justice of the Peace.

But as you look around and see your friends and family,

You think for just a moment, that this is the right decision.

As Garcia stands for her "Maid of Honor" speech, you feel Hotch squeeze your hand.

And as you look into his eyes, you realize something.

Something you never would have believed until right now.

There is no where else you'd rather be, than right here--

Not even running.

But even if you were running, you'd want Hotch beside you.

And maybe that's the point after all.

"A woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself. "

-- Susan B. Anthony