Title You Belong With Me
Author Harpy Wings
Rating 15+
Pairings Sirius/Remus (main) some James/Lily
Summary Sirius has waited three years. (set Maurader-era, 7th Year)
Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!!
Warnings: Swearing. Sex. Shitty grammar and spelling.
You Belong With Me
The day, by all means, started normally enough. It's not as though anyone was expecting anything abnormal to happen, but sometimes the most abnormal things happen when you suspected it to simply be a normal day. As it was, the Gryffindor table was eating their breakfast like the usual. Lily, for the third time that week, was sitting with James, Remus and Peter, sharing sideways looks with James, who was still grinning the 'I won the lottery' smile as they ate. Remus was forlornly picking at his eggs, not really eating or pretending to, not like Peter who was cramming his mouth so full he looked on the verge of choking.
"Hey," James said, suddenly looking around, "where's Padfoot at?"
Remus, as though woken by a signal, looked around, eyes as wide as the moon, like he suspected to find Sirius lurking by his shoulder, waiting to pounce. The Hall was devoid of him though and Remus sucked in a claming breath.
"Probably asleep."
He had hardly said those two words when Sirius came skidding into the Hall. His uniform was its usual crumpled self, but his hair was looking worse for wear. It had a shaggy, careless look, not like his usual perfectly groomed appearance. He scanned the table, caught sight of them somewhere near the back, and made his way to them.
"What'd you do, Mate?" James asked as he got closer, "sleep in?"
"Yea," Sirius says, casually, "Something like that." He looked directly at Remus, not even bothering to be discreet and Remus suddenly found his eggs fascinating again.
"You might wanna hurry up and eat, we have McGonagall first."
Sirius took the empty space beside Remus. It wasn't much a space and he ended up with his side entirely pressed up against Remus's. Remus took another deep breath.
Sirius didn't say anything or even do anything. He just woofed down his food, almost canine like, and walked with them to class, like everything was normal. Remus, himself, was walking around like he had pins beneath his feet. The anxious squeeze to his chest was making him feel sick and combined with his little to no breakfast he felt like he was either going to throw up and bolt or just faint.
Either was perfectly acceptable.
The day dragged on like any other. James and Lily acted in love and giggly, unless Sirius caught James's attention and they joked around, making half-ass plans for pranks and laughing at Peter's clumsy behavior. Remus just stood back and watched it all like he was an outsider looking in, careful not to let his eyes stray to Sirius.
After dinner he made plans to go to the Library and told them as much as they headed out.
"I'll come," Sirius said, abruptly.
The others didn't look concerned as they carried on to the dorm. Remus shifted his bag on his shoulders and headed in the opposite direction, Sirius tailing him. They passed by a few students, smiling at the ones they knew, pretending not to see the girls giggling and giving Sirius pointed looks. They rounded the corner leading to the library when Sirius grabbed Remus's elbow, pulling him into a hidden passage behind a tapestry. Remus stumbled a little and would have fallen, if Sirius hadn't grabbed onto his wrists, forcing him up against the wall.
The area was so enclosed Remus almost felt suffocated. All sounds of the castle were muffled and cut off. Sirius was so close that Remus could see the beginnings of stubble, the way the ends of his hair curled a little, the light freckles along the bridge of his nose.
"Did you decide?" Sirius asked, quietly.
Remus's eyes darted to the side, catching a mouse slipping into a hole.
"Remus," Sirius said, sharply.
"I don't know," Remus said, trying not to sound so desperate. "I need time."
For a second he thought Sirius was going to strike him. His face looked dark and the hands around his wrists, once loose, now tightened enough for pressure, but not to bruise.
"I've been waiting three years," He said, and he sounded tired, if not angry, but he tried to keep his voice leveled. "I gave you choices, time." Acceptance. Love. He doesn't say.
Remus knows all of this. He doesn't miss the way that Sirius looks at him, like he's something worthy of attention, of affection. He's never misread the touches or the careful words or the way that Sirius was so easy to accept him as he was. Remus isn't a fool.
"I can't," Remus says. He doesn't say how he wants to. How he's wanted for so much longer then Sirius.
"Why?" Sirius says, shaking his arms a little. "I don't care what you are," he says, defiantly, setting his jaw.
Remus plays the card. "You betrayed me."
Sirius isn't even gentle when he grips Remus's wrists. Not even thinking about it Remus hisses and tries to fight, but Sirius is stronger and he holds on, lets Remus fidget and squirm, trapped between the wall and Sirius.
"I said I was sorry!" Sirius shouts but Remus can hear the pain.
Remus swallows around a thick lump he feels in his throat. "I can't…"
Sirius jerks hard on his wrists and Remus's knees come out from under him. Sirius grip on his wrists keeps them elevated and the only thing to keep Remus from kneeling over. The tears burn his eyes.
"What do I have to?" Sirius shouts, his voice filled with anguish. "What do I have to do? I'll do it if I have to, anything! Just tell me!"
Remus is crying and he can't even remember when, or how. "You can't."
Sirius suddenly sinks to his knees, forcing Remus to. He's released his wrists and Remus curls his arms around his stomach. "I've loved you, always," Sirius says, sounding so broken and young.
Remus curls in on himself, shaking with sobs and feeling like he wants to dry heave up on the stone floor. Sirius leaves, but Remus doesn't know when or why, all he knows is he wants to die.
-
That night Remus can't sleep. He lays awake, staring at the canopy of his bed, listening to the others snore and wishing, for once, he had a full moon to distract himself. He almost misses the sound of his curtain being open, and almost jumps from his own skin when the bed dips under Sirius's weight. The bed is, in no way, big enough for two, but Sirius has thrown his leg over Remus's thighs and he hovers above him, so close Remus doesn't need light to see his face.
"I just need you," Sirius whispers hoarsely. He leans down and kisses Remus's neck, sending shivers across the others skin. When Sirius turns his head to kiss Remus he turns his own face away, looking at the dark curtains that shield him from Peter's bed.
Sirius growls under his breath, trying to kiss him again but Remus dodges him once more. Finally he gives up, climbing off of Remus and wrenching the curtains open, stalking back to his own bed across the other side of the room.
Remus shoves his fist in his mouth to stop the chocking sobs.
-
"You look terribly, Mooney," James says the next morning.
Remus runs a hand through his hair and he knows its now sticking up everywhere, but he doesn't fix it up. He catches Sirius's hand twitch out of the corner of his eye, like the other wants to reach out to flatten it. Instead Sirius gets up, abruptly, and heads over to where some of Lily's friends are playing Exploding Snap.
Remus watches him go, but when he looks back James is frowning at him. "I'm fine."
"Uh-huh, just like Sirius, right?"
Remus feels something unpleasant curl in the pit of his stomach, but he ignores it.
Sirius flirts pretty badly but he's never done much with it. Remus knows because each time Sirius would come back to him and tell him. It made Remus feel so guilty, like it was his fault that Sirius felt like he owed Remus celibacy. Remus told him, choking on the lie, that he should date the girls he glances at. That he doesn't need to ignore their advances. Sirius stared at him like he was crazy.
It wasn't like Sirius was a virgin though, neither was Remus, for that matter. It just so happened that they had lost that to each other three years ago.
"You guys should talk," James says. "He wants to."
Remus shrugs. "We do."
"Not about what you want to though." James frowned. "Remmy, is something going on with you?"
Remus blanches a little at the nickname. He was only ever called Remmy in affection, and usually that was by Sirius. "Everything is absolutely fine," he says primly and James backs down.
That night, long after midnight, Remus climbs into Sirius's bed, effectively waking him as he slips his hand down his pants. Sirius gasps and bites into Remus's shoulder, enough to leave a bruise and indent of teeth. When Sirius comes, choking and withering, Remus wipes his hand off on his sheets and ducks out, like nothing happened.
-
The Christmas Holidays are fine. Remus stays at home with his mum, helping her pick out a tree and doing homework. Sirius sends him a lot of owls, like he usually does. They're all long, rambling letters and Remus tucks them into the shoebox with the others. He isn't expecting to see any of his friends until the train ride home, but Sirius suddenly appears on his doorstep not to long before Christmas. Remus's mother is thrilled, she loves Sirius especially since he stayed the whole summer after Remus's father had died and cared for him.
They go up to Remus's room.
"What's with the surprise visit?" Remus asks when he's closed his door.
"You never wrote back," Sirius says.
"I never do." Remus has never been good at writing letters. Usually they come out sounding dull and automatic. He just can't express himself in written form, not like Sirius.
"Well, it wasn't just that," Sirius says.
He digs around in the pocket on his coat for a moment and emerges with a small jewelry box. Remus tries not to have a heart attack on the spot.
"What…?" Remus says, sounding small and pathetic.
Sirius is staring at him seriously, a strange look on his face. He's only ever looked that way at Remus three times since he met him. The day Sirius told him he didn't care that he was a werewolf, the day he told Remus he loved him, and when he apologized That Prank.
"I've been waiting three years, Remus. I fucking love you, and I know you love me. I know I can be a prick but I always pull through for you. I don't know what you're hung up on, but I'll make it work." He handed the box to Remus.
Remus didn't want to open it and see the ring he knew would be inside.
"I'm not going to marry you, Sirius."
Sirius blanched a little. "Why not?"
"I can't be with you."
Sirius growled again. "Why the fuck not? I don't understand you, Remus Lupin!"
Remus can hear his mother falter in the kitchen. Sirius's voice must have carried further then he thought.
"I'm a monster," Remus said, softly. "I know you don't see it that way but the world does. I can't be with you; I'll just make your life miserable."
"You're making it miserable by not being with me," Sirius said. "If you're so concerned by my happiness then be with me."
He reached out, grabbing Remus arm, leaning forward to kiss him. Remus let him, for a second, but pulled away, holding out the box silently. Sirius was staring at him in disbelief then he Dissaperated on the spot, leaving Remus holding a box out to thin air.
-
On the train ride home Remus rode in a separate carriage.
At the castle James confronted him in the dormitory.
"You, are an idiot," James said, arms crossed. He was glaring down at Remus.
Remus dropped the box onto Sirius's bed, not looking at James. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Just tell me what he did, or said, or whatever is going on!"
"Nothing."
James's glared went dagger sharp.
Remus finally broke, he darted across the room, slamming the door shut, leaning heavily on it. He felt sort of sick and light and like he would either float away or sink through the floorboards.
"I can't be with Sirius because he doesn't know."
"What?" James wasn't glaring anymore, just looked confused.
"There's a reason werewolves don't have partners," Remus said, quietly. "There are only two possible outcomes for offspring." He swallowed thickly. "They're either werewolves or they're killed during transformation." Remus's eyes were burning and his voice was dangerously close to a sob. "The Ministry won't allow either. I'm not allowed to marry; in fact I can be sterilized for just having a partner."
James was suddenly by his side, wrapping his arms around Remus's shoulders. "Remmy," he said softly.
Remus had fallen asleep abruptly after his confrontation with James. He felt so exhausted it took him little to no time to fall unconscious. He woke at sometime around twilight feeling drowsy. Sirius was sitting in a chair beside his bed, reading a copy of the Quibbler and snorting a little over a particular paragraph.
"Whazza time?" Remus asked, lifting his head a little.
Sirius threw aside the magazine, sitting up straighter. "About six. You were kind of out of it for ages. You feeling okay?"
Remus nodded a little. "How long you been here?"
"Since about ten?" Sirius shrugged. "Catching up on some reading, you know."
"Mmm." Remus glanced at his bedside table. The box is sitting there, innocently, beside his lamp. Sirius follows his gaze and reached out, turning the light on.
"And then I gave you light," he says, waving his hands grandly.
Remus snorted. "You know that's not impressive because you are a wizard, right?"
Sirius shrugged, smiling. "Something to amaze the kids, ya know?"
Something in Remus's gut twisted sharply. "Mmm."
Sirius watched him silently, for a moment. "Are you going to tell me? What you did James?"
Remus resisted burying his face in his pillow. "He already told you." It was a question. James and Sirius kept no secrets.
"I want to hear it from you."
"I want a real family, a life. I got fucked over in the beginning of it but I want it to end alright. But I can't. I can't only half have you, Sirius, and you can't me. It's unfair and horrible and I can't do it."
Sirius leant forward, cupping Remus's jaw and rubbing the pad of his thumb over his bottom lip. "I don't care what the world says or wants, Remmy. I love you."
"I don't want to live a half life, or force you to."
Sirius flashed him a toothy grin. "I've broken laws before; I'm up for a little more."
Remus laughed wetly. "Rebel."
"You love it." Sirius kissed him gently, once, before he drew back, grabbing the box. "Now will you finally wear my ring? You're starting to make me feel like a shitty fiancé." He took out the plain, gold ring, taking Remus's left hand and slipping it on. It fit perfectly.
"Sirius…"
"Don't. I'm going to marry you, Remus Lupin, with or without permission from those old coots and we're going to have kids and make James baby sit them and I'll teach them pranks and you'll yell at me and we'll be happy because it's us."
Remus never felt so light.
Epilogue
They married before the end of the school room. James performed the ceremony, speaking the beautiful, but unfamiliar words in the Room of Requirements, which had been transformed into a beautiful glass room. Sirius had never looked so cocky or proud when he gave Remus his ring.
They moved out of Sirius's apartment and into a small house out near the woods. They talked about kids and travel, things they would do after the War.
Sirius grew bitter and sharper towards Remus. Remus was weary and afraid. Sirius was the only one he loved; he didn't want to think ill of him.
When Sirius was dragged to Prison Remus didn't go see him. He put the ring in his box of old letters and left.
He had the baby in France and gave it to Moody. She was a tiny girl who had Sirius's eyes. He visited her, often, at the safe house she was given to. She laughed like Sirius and Remus came less and less while he became poorer and poorer until one day he stopped and heard, briefly, that she had been moved away to another place, her name was changed. Remus left her his wedding band, the last thing she'd ever have from him and the last thing he'd ever have from Sirius.
-THE END-
Okay. That did NOT turn out how I thought…I got the idea from a dream I had but I didn't have much of an ending. The ending sort of leads on to a fic I tried, but failed, at writing. Anyway, thank you for reading this.