Okay so I wrote this a while back. It was my first and only attempt at humor.(You'll see why by the end I'm sure.) However I did promise to post everything and I keep my promises! So this was dusted off for you Shark_In_Love_Infested_Waters
This will probably be viewed as torturous but it was one among the many first fics I wrote to gain confidence in myself enough to post.
So without further adieu, here you are.
I own nothing and all the crap-happy-fluff-ness is my own fault.
Diamonds and Dirt and Dwarfs, Oh My!
"Are you serious?" The shock in the Sheriff's voice instantly silencing the patrons of Granny's.
"Why would I joke about something like this?" The displeasure in the brunettes was more than apparent even over the phone and across town.
"Regina, I will not shoot a cat just for messing with your rose bushes." Emma replies in a hushed tone as she veers herself into the bathroom, ensuring a slight amount privacy.
"Oh you most certainly will if you ever want to see the royal..." Regina clears her throat accordingly. "Again."
"Really? What do you expect me to.."
"Your job, or you wont be doing any of your more 'pleasurable' duties ever again Sheriff!" With that Regina hung up, leaving Emma standing in the middle of the bathroom, truly at a loss, staring at her phone.
"Um, Hey Ruby how do you catch a cat?" The blonde asks, not honestly comprehending what just happened between her girlfriend and herself.
The tall brunette, more than curious with the question walked over behind the counter. "What are we talking here Emma? A cute little kitten or a full grown cougar?"
The dour look in the blondes eyes causing Ruby to laugh. "Right, kitten it is then, cause you already bagged the cougar."
"Ruby!"
"What Lemur? You left yourself wide open."
"Help me, please?" The pitifulness in the blondes stance and voice more than ensuring her friends help.
"Of course I'll help. Who lost their kitten?"
##
"Are you sure this is going to work Ruby?"
"No, but aren't we having fun trying." The tall brunette grinned as the two women hunkered back down behind a row of shrubbery in Regina's front yard.
"We've been out here for over an hour and there is like thirty bucks worth of seafood over there. I had plans for that lobster." The Sheriff far to bereft to hide the pout.
"Well we're bound to catch something." Ruby motioned with the bottle of tequila. "So...what did you buy at Modest Jewelery last week?"
"How the hell did you hear about that our already Ruby?"
"I have.."
"If you say 'Many skills' one more time Ruby I am going to kick your ass. That is so the last time I watch a Xena marathon with you, while you have a PMS breakdown."
"Okay, geez Emma, how about... 'Winning!?'"
The growl erupting from the frustrated Sheriff just then, truly frightened the brunette crouching beside her.
"Sorry."
The silence dragging on between the two friends as the bottle steadily began to empty.
"So...how are you going to ask her?"
"What makes you think I have something to ask her?"
"Um...'I am the lizard Queen'?"
"Oh my god Ruby how much did you drink?"
The brunette clearly deep in thought lifts the bottle high above the hedge line and into the light, looking at it intently before turning her eyes to Emma. "Depends, how much did you drink?"
"Give me that." Emma utters as she confiscates the bottle. "We're on a stake out, focus."
"But I don't wanna focus, I wanna know what the ring looks like and how you're gonna propose."
"She's gonna hear you, shut up." Quickly trying to cover Ruby's mouth with her hand.
"But I wanna know." Ruby whines.
"Will you be silent if I tell you?"
The brunette nods vigorously.
"Okay, so I was going to surprise her with din.."
"No, wait I want you to show me."
"I will not practice on you."
"Okay, okay," Ruby looks around for a suitable replacement. "How about that garden dwarf over there?"
"I think that's a gnome." Emma deadpans.
"Nope, its a dwarf, too tall to be a gnome." With shaky legs the tall woman army crawls across the lush grass, grabbing the the lawn decoration before returning to their hiding place. "Here, I named him Sleazy for you."
"What? Why? I thought I was just practicing and I am not going to practice with a dwarf named Sleazy!"
"Fine, lets call him..."
"Regina." Emma filled in.
"But that's not a dwarf's name."
"I don't care, if I'm practicing I'm gonna practice my way. End of story!"
"Fine I was just trying to help." Ruby's enthusiasm slightly subdued.
"Well I guess after we ate by candle light, with soft music in the background I was going to ask her to take a walk with me."
"Where?" Questioned the brunette clearly picturing her friends words.
"Well, towards the bench over there near the apple tree." Emma gestured.
"Show me."
Getting up reluctantly Emma begins to walk towards the bench.
"Emma wait you forgot your Regina." Ruby smiles gleefully as she hands the dwarf to Emma.
"So we'd walk hand in hand to the bench which would have been back-lite with Chinese lanterns."
"Awww."
"And then I would sit her down." Emma describes as she lays the Regina namesake on the bench. "Then I'd look into her eyes and.." The pause dragging on.
"And what? Emma you're killing me here. What are you gonna say?"
"I don't really have anything set. I just figured it would come to me you know, but now I'm drawing a blank." Terror quickly flashing through the normally strong blonde.
"Breath Lemur, that's why you're practicing."
"Right, well. " Breathing deeply Emma tries again. "I'd look into her eyes and tell her how she is the brightest star in the sky. No, that's dumb. I'd tell her how... Well, how she is like water."
"Like water?! Now who's drunk! I think that stuff about the star was better."
"No, she's like the water. Calming, natural, seductive and breathtaking. She's gentle and resilient, though a force to be reckoned with when she needs to be. I'd tell her that she's caring and so sweet even when she doesn't try to be. She's protective and compassionate, strong and perfect. And so incredibly sexy it's a sin..."
"Um, Emma.." Ruby interrupts.
"Hush Ruby, this is my proposal!" Emma counters. "She is perfect you know, flawless and so majestic. She's loving as so deserving of everything that life has to offer. I'd tell her how she honestly is so much more than I deserve, but that I'd spend all of eternity trying to make her happy no matter the cost." Emma kneels down then, in front of the oddly painted garden dwarf, oblivious to the sprinklers now showering both her and the lawn. "That despite our rocky beginnings and my imperfections and fears that she truly is the one I want to be with, the only one I have ever and could ever love so utterly." Removing the velvet box from her pocket. "Then I'd ask her, to marry me."
Her friends silence then catching her attention. "What do you think she'll say?"
"I think she'll say that you are like water too." The voice calling back instantly registering as belonging to a completely different brunette.
"Um, Regina, how much did you hear?" Emma utters, completely terrified.
"I'm glad you didn't practice with Sleazy." The soft smile on her lips a welcoming reprieve for the nervous blonde. "And my answer is yes Emma."
"Honestly?"
The normally outspoken mayor simply nodding. "I wouldn't joke about something like this."
The distance between the two women dissolving as Emma slipped the delicate band onto Regina's finger. "I love you."
"I love you too." The statuesque woman beckoning the blonde inside, both having completely forgotten about the Sheriff's previous mission till the door finally closes and the two women share their first kiss as an engaged couple. Both pulling away and laughing softly as they here Ruby's triumphant call, that she had caught the wayward kitten destroying Regina's precious flowers.
##
That's why I don't do comedy and why this was collecting dirt in my hard drive!
I honestly can't remember why I even wrote this... It must have been due to a little too much Cuervo.
Sorry again, but a promise is a promise.
Frigid