Chapter 1

"Have you told your wife that you've been getting panic attacks?"

Stef sighed, " well she kind of knows cause I've woken her up in the middle of the night because I couldn't breathe!"
She was getting annoyed and felt like all the therapist did was also nosy, unnecessary questions.
"Well let me rephrase my question, does she know what causes them? Have you talked about your feeling with her? What you've been re-experiencing ?" Stefs breath hitched. She didn't want to talk to Lena about this, it would just upset her and there would be no point in that. She could deal with this crap by herself. She could handle this. "N-N-not really, I-I I don't think she needs to know about this in detail, I-i don't want to hurt her if I'm being honest." She started to look down at her hands and play with her wedding band. She doesn't like to be vulnerable in front of others, not even Lena.

"How could you possibly hurt her, don't you think she wants to know what's going on with her wife ?"

Stefs eyes were glazed with tears, but she didn't want to feel sad right now, so she let anger take over her
" How could she possibly be hurt?! I am ASHAMED of myself and if I tell her about the feeling I sometimes get when we are together it IS going to hurt her, I can already see the disappointment in her eyes And I can't deal with her being disappointed in me right now. I NEVER wanted to disappoint him I-I-ah-" she started gasping , desperate for fresh air to fill her lungs. Tears started pooling in her eyes, while she tried to remember how to breathe. Her rapid breathing only increased. She needed to get out if here, she couldn't take it anymore. "I-i-i can't, I j-just can't!" With that she ran out of the therapists office, out of the building, until she was outside

There she leaned against the wall trying to catch her breath. By then tears were streaming down her face and she herself couldn't understand how she could react this way about a simple question. It was silly, she was being silly. She shouldn't make such big deal out of something that happened in the past more than 10 years ago. This only made her cry even more, she was down right sobbing by then. As a result she became even more angry at herself. She darted her head around, trying to find something she could focus on, but there wasn't anything. Everything was blurry. Unfocused. She had never had a panic attack this severe, she felt like she was suffocating. It was safe to say that she was close to losing consciousness at this point. God she was such disappointment , such a disgrace. What on earth did Lena see in her?

Those thoughts didn't help at all, she had to stop thinking, She was telling herself to concentrate on the breathing techniques her therapist thought her. By now she was getting extremely scared and desperate, the only thing that she could think of and focus on was her wife. "L-Lena- h-h-he" was all she could manage between heart wrenching gasps of air. She moved her shaky hand to reach and grab her phone, trying to call Lena. Hastily she pressed one to speed dial her wife. Beep-Beep- it went to voice mail. She tried for a second time, a third time. Beep-Beep. Stef was starting to freak out even more, she couldn't take this feeling of anxiety much longer. She tried the breathing techniques the therapist taught her but they didn't do much. She tried her again, beep-beep, there Lena finally picked up " what is it honey, you know that I'm in an important meeting right now. Aren't you supposed to be in a season with your therapist?"

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry l-l, ay-a-a-I need you to come p-pick me up p-please. A-a I don't think t-that I can drive. I-I'm in f-front of t-the d-doctors office" stuttering she sat down on the curb. "Why not? Is everything alright Stef, are you okay?" Lena suddenly sounded very concerned "Are you having trouble breathing again?"

"p-please j-just come pick me up" "I'll be there in a few, hang on honey I got you"

With that she hung up and Stef tried to hold herself together somehow, gain some composure back. She clinged her arms around herself, as if she wanted to protect herself from the world and everyone else. She was bouncing back and forth on the curb to keep herself busy and to have something to focus on. Stef wasn't one to usually bite her nails, but now she did, to keep herself from making too much noise, people were already looking.

There she was! Lena jumped out of the car as fast as she could, not bothered by the fact that she was basically parking in the middle of the street. She rushed over to her wife as she could clearly see in how much despair and pain she really was. Her eyes were silently begging for help. She touched Stefs shoulders gently, as not to startle her. When Stef lifted her head and recognised her wife, she immediately flung herself into her arms. She was inconsolable as she sobbed into Lenas shoulder. Softly her chin was lifted "Let's get you home honey, allright?"

Just when Stef lifted herself up with Lenas help, her legs gave away underneath her. The panic attack had made her body completely weak, making her feel even more inadequate. Lena simply helped Stef steady herself and leaded her to their car. There she placed her on the seat and gently put on the safety belt. Her wife was still breathing heavily and tears were still making their way down her cheeks. Lena drove as fast as the speed limit would allow her, often faster. The need to help her wife and get her home as fast as possible was too strong, than to care about limits.

She opened the door to their craftsman in Mission Bay and just like she had predicted all the kids were home and now staring at their whimpering, heavily breathing Mom. That was just something she knew Stef couldn't deal with right now.

"Wha-What happened?" Brandon was the first to speak up. Lena would have to talk to all of them later. "Not now buddy, it's a bad time, your Mum is just under a lot of stress right now, I'll talk to all of you later. Stef was feeling a great deal of shame and self-hate, as she was scaring her kids and they saw how weak she actually was. "I-I'm-m f-f-fine g-guys" was all she could manage and not even that without stammering and stuttering. God why was she such a failure. The kids quickly disappeared in their rooms and Lena helped Stef up the stairs and got her seated on their bed. In the bathroom she took her wife's mild sedative out of the cabinet and gave it to her. Inwardly she thought, that she could probably do with an even stronger one after seeing just how worked up Stef really was.

After Stef took the medication she had calmed down significantly, but the voice in her head who kept on telling her how unworthy she was, just wouldn't stop. Lena took Stef in her arms, who clinged to her firmly. That alone told Lena just how much her wife needed her right now. " Stef, baby, talk to me. I need to know what's going on. I wanna help my beautiful wife." Stef only squeezed her more tightly, not wanting to escape the safety she found in her wife's arms.

After sometime her tears had tried and she cautiously lifted her head and made eye contact with her beautiful Lena. "I need you Lena" a hoarse whisper was all she could choke out "But i-I'm afraid to h-hurt you and that- that you won't love me anymore" Lena pulled her back into her chest again" There is NOTHING, you hear me, nothing that could make me love you any less. You just have to trust me and let me in. So that I can help you heal. I love you!"

"I love you" Stefs voice was still only a whisper "I-I'll try to l-let you in. So there are probably some things I-I should tell y-you abou…"