Title: Distraught Heart
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, angst,
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: Burden of proof
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: What if Sara actually left the team after the events of
"Burden of proof"?
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: To CJ for helping me out here! Tack!
----------------------------------------
"But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall.."
( From "Fear" written by Sarah Mclachlan )
-------------------------------------------
Distraught heart (1/3)
By: Jessica
-------------------------------------
I want to reach out my hand and touch her.
I want to say something.
Anything.
But I can't find the right words.
Her eyes are dark as she speaks.
I wish I could see inside her.
I wish I could reach her.
My heart is screaming to my head to move.
To hold her.
To do something.
But my legs won't move.
So I just sit there, watching her.
She wants to leave.
The paper in my hand says "Request for Leave of Absence".
I don't know how to stop her.
I know that I should let her go.
I have no right to stop her.
But I want to say something.
She is standing in the doorway.
Her eyes are pleading to me.
To move.
To do something.
My heart is pounding in my chest like crazy.
Her eyes meet mine and I say:
"The lab needs you here."
Disappointment flashes across her face.
Hurt.
Or was it just my mind playing tricks on me?
Her face turns to stone in a second.
Then she leaves.
I sit there behind my desk, my safe haven as I like to call it,
watching her walk away from me.
And in my head a voice is screaming:
COME BACK! COME BACK!
------------------------------
I never thought words could hurt me so.
But they did.
I don't know why I went to him.
I know better than try to get a reaction from a man that
has no heart.
But I thought I could break through that huge wall he has around
his heart.
I was so sure of myself.
I wanted to reach him.
Break him.
He has always been out of reach for me.
I don't know why I thought anything would change.
He has this way about him that draws me in.
That takes me down.
That breaks me.
His eyes whisper of a lonely soul.
The warmth of his eyes tells the story of a big heart.
But he never lets anyone close.
He pushes you away.
And that hurts.
My hands are shaking as I turn the key to my apartment and enter.
The silence hits me in the chest as I enter my home.
I used to like the silence.
I used to prefer my own company.
These days I hate it.
I want something more than this life.
I want someone I can't have.
Maybe it's time to stop fighting.
Maybe it's time to see that I will never win.
He will never be mine.
-----------------------------------
The dark fell over Las Vegas and I tried to find peace in the
sweet release of sleep.
But her face kept chasing me around.
I rose from the bed.
I walked up the window as the moon made its way across the sky.
I sat down in my favorite armchair and tried to stop the
world from spinning.
My soul feels so weary tonight.
The paper with her request for leave of absence lies on my desk.
I haven't been able to sign it.
I know I should.
I have no right to stop her.
She has every right to leave.
She deserves to do what she wants.
I know that it's not forever.
She might come back one day.
Or not.
But still, I find myself clinging to her.
I fear letting go.
I don't know how to let her go.
For once in my life I haven't got the answers.
I thought I was strong.
I thought I had it all figured out.
I was content with my life.
Then something happened.
She happened.
She is beautiful.
I thought I knew beauty before her.
I was wrong.
She has this light inside her that she hides away from the world.
But I have seen it.
Sometimes it knocks me off my feet.
It can be just a smile that brings me to my knees
-----------------------------------------
He came to me in my sleep and brought my soul the peace it needed.
I wake with his name on my lips.
It is still dark outside.
The clock on my nightstand shows a little after three in
the morning.
I rise from my bed.
I wrap a blanket around my body.
My legs feel so weak as I walk into the kitchen to get
something to drink.
I know that I should be sleeping.
But I can't.
I won't.
He is everywhere.
Chasing me around.
Haunting me.
I want to hate him.
I need to hate him.
But I can't.
I guess I'm weak.
I can't even hate him.
A knock on the door wakes me from my thoughts.
He is standing outside my door.
Grissom.
His eyes are dark as he speaks:
"Sara.."
My heart trembles in my chest as our eyes meet.
I curse my foolish heart.
"What are you doing here? It's three in the morning!"
"I couldn't sleep...May I come in?"
I want to push him away.
Make him leave.
But I can't.
I surrender.
"Sure.."
He brushes past me and walks into my living room.
My hands tremble as I close the door behind him.
I need to be strong now.
------------------------------------------
Her apartment is nothing like I imagined it would be.
It is small but nice and comfortable.
I don't know why I came.
Both of us know that I could have talked to her tomorrow.
But I just needed to see her.
To explain.
To try to reason with her.
To stop her.
She is standing in the doorway dressed in a nightgown.
She has a blanket wrapped around her lovely body.
God, she is beautiful.
Especially now in the early light of day.
Our eyes meet.
I shiver.
I have never felt this weak.
This lost.
This scared.
"I came here to give you this."
I walk up to her and give her the paper.
"Request for Leave of Absence".
She takes it.
"I signed it," I add.
Our eyes meet.
Her voice is rugged as she speaks:
"So you came here just to give me this?"
"Yes."
Then I see them.
They are standing by the door.
I didn't notice them when I came in.
I guess I was distracted.
Suitcases.
Two of them.
"So you are leaving?"
"Yes, the day after tomorrow."
"Okay...Where are you going?"
"San Fransico..Then..I don't know.."
"You don't have to leave, you know.."
"I know.."
"Then...why?"
She looks at me.
I can see sorrow in her eyes as she looks at me.
My heart shiver in my chest.
"Don't.."
"Sara..We need you in the team. The lab.."
--------------------------------------
How could he be so cruel?
How could he come here and make me hope, make me believe again?
"Stop! I don't want to hear it!"
I walk towards him.
Anger in my eyes.
Fire.
He backs away from me.
"Sara..We need you here."
"I have heard it all before! What do you want, Gris?"
"I want you on the team."
His words hit me in the chest and make me stumble.
Pain.
"The team, huh..That's all I am for you..A part of the team.."
"No, of course not. Friends.."
I wish that I could be content with that word.
Friends.
But I have tried.
I have tried to define our relationship as just friends.
But I have failed.
"I can't.."
I turn away from him and walk up to the window.
The moon shines in through the window and lights up the room.
"Sara..please..You don't have to leave..You can take a couple of
days..But.."
I wish I could do that.
I wish I could brush this feeling aside and just ignore it.
I have done it before.
But I can't this time.
"No..I can't. Not this time.."
"Sara, tell me what to do."
I turn to him.
He is standing just an armlength away.
I want to fall into him.
I want to crumble and let him catch me.
But I need to be strong.
I will not give in.
Not this time.
"There is nothing you can do."
"Don't say that. There has to be some way we can resolve this!"
"You can't fix this, Gris."
"Sara. Tell me what's wrong. Please, I need to know.."
"I have tried..God, knows I have tried...But you.."
"What?"
"Don't you know? Can't you see it?"
"See what?"
"I can't work with you, Grissom."
"Don't be silly, of course you can."
"No...Not anymore..I thought I could..But.."
"We can fix this..Just tell me what's the problem."
"Don't you understand?"
"Understand what?"
Pain eats at my heart and whispers to it to fall apart.
Our eyes meet.
"I gave you my heart and you never even saw it..."
His face changes in a second and he takes a step back like I had
hit him.
Silence follows.
I understand.
"Oh...Sara.."
He reaches for me but I avoid his hand.
"No, Gil..."
Our eyes meet.
I continue:
"I did everything for you. I would have laid down my life for
you...
But you never even noticed..I was just someone...No one.."
"Sara..please..I"
"Don't worry..I'm fine now...I'm doing better..."
I want to run as far away as possible from this man.
This man that had so much power over me.
Who had the power to break me.
"I...want to..I need to.."
"No..I don't care what you want anymore.."
He moves toward me.
I can see something in his eyes that I fear naming.
Something that wasn't there before.
"Please, Sara..Let me explain."
"There is nothing to explain...I'm leaving, that is that."
"Don't do this."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Let me explain.."
With a sigh, I surrender.
I look at him.
He is standing so close now.
My heart is pounding like crazy in my chest.
"So talk.."
"I need you here...Please.."
His words cause me more pain that I ever thought was possible.
"Oh, don't bother..."
I move away from him.
He takes my hand and makes me look at him.
His touch is like lightning on a clear day.
I almost fell.
His hand is warm in mine.
"Sara, don't do this.."
"Do what?"
"Don't leave."
"Why should I stay? Give me one good reason to stay."
"We need you."
"OH, don't bother...I don't care what the TEAM needs..What do you
want, Gris? What do you feel?"
He lets go of my hand.
I'm already missing his touch.
"I..Don't.."
He backs away from me.
"Don't what? It's a simple question. What do you feel? Or is that
too personal a question for the mighty Gil Grissom?"
"Don't Sara.."
I wanted to break him.
Hurt him.
I wanted to cause him all the pain he had caused me.
I moved towards him.
Anger filled my veins.
"What? Tell me what it's like to have no heart. What is it like to
feel absolutely nothing?"
His eyes are dark as he looks at me.
I can see pain there.
Sorrow.
"I should leave..."
He moves towards the door.
"That's your answer to everything. Run away."
He stops.
"You are a coward, Gil Grissom. I never would say it..But you are.."
Tears fill my eyes as I look at him.
He is standing with his back towards me.
A part of me wants to run up to him and beg him to stay with me.
A voice in my head screams
LOVE ME! LOVE ME! PLEASE,GOD..LOVE ME!
But someone up there wasn't listening.
"You think it's so easy..I wish it was so easy.."
"What are you talking about?"
He turns towards me.
His blue eyes pierce into me.
"I wish I could tell you..."
"Please, Gris...All I want is...You..."
I want to run into his arms.
I want him to save me from the pain that is causing my heart
to shatter into millions of tiny pieces.
I move toward him.
He doesn't run this time.
He just stands there.
His eyes meet mine.
I take his hand in mine.
He doesn't move away.
Doesn't object.
I don't care what is right and proper.
My hand trembles as I lift my hand to his face and stroke
his cheek.
My voice is just a whisper as I speak:
"Please...Let me love you...Love me.."
I want to brand every line of his face in my memory.
I want my hands to remember him.
This wonderful man.
It was a childish plead.
His eyes fill with tears as he looks at me.
"Sara, I can't....."
Those words were the death of me.
I have never known pain like that.
"Gris...please..I can't..I need.."
"I'm so sorry.."
In that moment my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.
My soul was ripped apart.
I let go of him.
Tears fall as I move away from him.
I don't care if he sees me cry.
"Sara, please..You have to stay.."
I look at him.
How can he be so cruel?
Why does he cause me so much pain?
"How can you ask me that?"
"We need you."
I move fast.
Anger.
Rage.
I want to break him.
Hurt him.
I slam my fist against his chest.
He doesn't stop me.
He lets me be.
"DAMN YOU, GRISSOM! DAMN YOU!"
My legs give way and I fall to the floor.
I crumble.
He reaches for me.
I want to hate him.
God, I need to hate him.
But I have failed once again.
How I have failed.
Our eyes meet.
"Please, leave.."
"Sara..Don't.."
"Gris...Please, leave..I can't..anymore.."
I am so tired of fighting for my heart.
I am bleeding inside now.
He moves toward the door.
I sit there on the floor where he left me.
I don't dare to move.
He opens the door slowly.
He stops and looks back at me.
"Goodbye, Sara..."
Then he is gone.
I listen to his footsteps dying away.
Then I surrender to a world of pain.
--------------------------------------------
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, angst,
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: Burden of proof
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: What if Sara actually left the team after the events of
"Burden of proof"?
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: To CJ for helping me out here! Tack!
----------------------------------------
"But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall.."
( From "Fear" written by Sarah Mclachlan )
-------------------------------------------
Distraught heart (1/3)
By: Jessica
-------------------------------------
I want to reach out my hand and touch her.
I want to say something.
Anything.
But I can't find the right words.
Her eyes are dark as she speaks.
I wish I could see inside her.
I wish I could reach her.
My heart is screaming to my head to move.
To hold her.
To do something.
But my legs won't move.
So I just sit there, watching her.
She wants to leave.
The paper in my hand says "Request for Leave of Absence".
I don't know how to stop her.
I know that I should let her go.
I have no right to stop her.
But I want to say something.
She is standing in the doorway.
Her eyes are pleading to me.
To move.
To do something.
My heart is pounding in my chest like crazy.
Her eyes meet mine and I say:
"The lab needs you here."
Disappointment flashes across her face.
Hurt.
Or was it just my mind playing tricks on me?
Her face turns to stone in a second.
Then she leaves.
I sit there behind my desk, my safe haven as I like to call it,
watching her walk away from me.
And in my head a voice is screaming:
COME BACK! COME BACK!
------------------------------
I never thought words could hurt me so.
But they did.
I don't know why I went to him.
I know better than try to get a reaction from a man that
has no heart.
But I thought I could break through that huge wall he has around
his heart.
I was so sure of myself.
I wanted to reach him.
Break him.
He has always been out of reach for me.
I don't know why I thought anything would change.
He has this way about him that draws me in.
That takes me down.
That breaks me.
His eyes whisper of a lonely soul.
The warmth of his eyes tells the story of a big heart.
But he never lets anyone close.
He pushes you away.
And that hurts.
My hands are shaking as I turn the key to my apartment and enter.
The silence hits me in the chest as I enter my home.
I used to like the silence.
I used to prefer my own company.
These days I hate it.
I want something more than this life.
I want someone I can't have.
Maybe it's time to stop fighting.
Maybe it's time to see that I will never win.
He will never be mine.
-----------------------------------
The dark fell over Las Vegas and I tried to find peace in the
sweet release of sleep.
But her face kept chasing me around.
I rose from the bed.
I walked up the window as the moon made its way across the sky.
I sat down in my favorite armchair and tried to stop the
world from spinning.
My soul feels so weary tonight.
The paper with her request for leave of absence lies on my desk.
I haven't been able to sign it.
I know I should.
I have no right to stop her.
She has every right to leave.
She deserves to do what she wants.
I know that it's not forever.
She might come back one day.
Or not.
But still, I find myself clinging to her.
I fear letting go.
I don't know how to let her go.
For once in my life I haven't got the answers.
I thought I was strong.
I thought I had it all figured out.
I was content with my life.
Then something happened.
She happened.
She is beautiful.
I thought I knew beauty before her.
I was wrong.
She has this light inside her that she hides away from the world.
But I have seen it.
Sometimes it knocks me off my feet.
It can be just a smile that brings me to my knees
-----------------------------------------
He came to me in my sleep and brought my soul the peace it needed.
I wake with his name on my lips.
It is still dark outside.
The clock on my nightstand shows a little after three in
the morning.
I rise from my bed.
I wrap a blanket around my body.
My legs feel so weak as I walk into the kitchen to get
something to drink.
I know that I should be sleeping.
But I can't.
I won't.
He is everywhere.
Chasing me around.
Haunting me.
I want to hate him.
I need to hate him.
But I can't.
I guess I'm weak.
I can't even hate him.
A knock on the door wakes me from my thoughts.
He is standing outside my door.
Grissom.
His eyes are dark as he speaks:
"Sara.."
My heart trembles in my chest as our eyes meet.
I curse my foolish heart.
"What are you doing here? It's three in the morning!"
"I couldn't sleep...May I come in?"
I want to push him away.
Make him leave.
But I can't.
I surrender.
"Sure.."
He brushes past me and walks into my living room.
My hands tremble as I close the door behind him.
I need to be strong now.
------------------------------------------
Her apartment is nothing like I imagined it would be.
It is small but nice and comfortable.
I don't know why I came.
Both of us know that I could have talked to her tomorrow.
But I just needed to see her.
To explain.
To try to reason with her.
To stop her.
She is standing in the doorway dressed in a nightgown.
She has a blanket wrapped around her lovely body.
God, she is beautiful.
Especially now in the early light of day.
Our eyes meet.
I shiver.
I have never felt this weak.
This lost.
This scared.
"I came here to give you this."
I walk up to her and give her the paper.
"Request for Leave of Absence".
She takes it.
"I signed it," I add.
Our eyes meet.
Her voice is rugged as she speaks:
"So you came here just to give me this?"
"Yes."
Then I see them.
They are standing by the door.
I didn't notice them when I came in.
I guess I was distracted.
Suitcases.
Two of them.
"So you are leaving?"
"Yes, the day after tomorrow."
"Okay...Where are you going?"
"San Fransico..Then..I don't know.."
"You don't have to leave, you know.."
"I know.."
"Then...why?"
She looks at me.
I can see sorrow in her eyes as she looks at me.
My heart shiver in my chest.
"Don't.."
"Sara..We need you in the team. The lab.."
--------------------------------------
How could he be so cruel?
How could he come here and make me hope, make me believe again?
"Stop! I don't want to hear it!"
I walk towards him.
Anger in my eyes.
Fire.
He backs away from me.
"Sara..We need you here."
"I have heard it all before! What do you want, Gris?"
"I want you on the team."
His words hit me in the chest and make me stumble.
Pain.
"The team, huh..That's all I am for you..A part of the team.."
"No, of course not. Friends.."
I wish that I could be content with that word.
Friends.
But I have tried.
I have tried to define our relationship as just friends.
But I have failed.
"I can't.."
I turn away from him and walk up to the window.
The moon shines in through the window and lights up the room.
"Sara..please..You don't have to leave..You can take a couple of
days..But.."
I wish I could do that.
I wish I could brush this feeling aside and just ignore it.
I have done it before.
But I can't this time.
"No..I can't. Not this time.."
"Sara, tell me what to do."
I turn to him.
He is standing just an armlength away.
I want to fall into him.
I want to crumble and let him catch me.
But I need to be strong.
I will not give in.
Not this time.
"There is nothing you can do."
"Don't say that. There has to be some way we can resolve this!"
"You can't fix this, Gris."
"Sara. Tell me what's wrong. Please, I need to know.."
"I have tried..God, knows I have tried...But you.."
"What?"
"Don't you know? Can't you see it?"
"See what?"
"I can't work with you, Grissom."
"Don't be silly, of course you can."
"No...Not anymore..I thought I could..But.."
"We can fix this..Just tell me what's the problem."
"Don't you understand?"
"Understand what?"
Pain eats at my heart and whispers to it to fall apart.
Our eyes meet.
"I gave you my heart and you never even saw it..."
His face changes in a second and he takes a step back like I had
hit him.
Silence follows.
I understand.
"Oh...Sara.."
He reaches for me but I avoid his hand.
"No, Gil..."
Our eyes meet.
I continue:
"I did everything for you. I would have laid down my life for
you...
But you never even noticed..I was just someone...No one.."
"Sara..please..I"
"Don't worry..I'm fine now...I'm doing better..."
I want to run as far away as possible from this man.
This man that had so much power over me.
Who had the power to break me.
"I...want to..I need to.."
"No..I don't care what you want anymore.."
He moves toward me.
I can see something in his eyes that I fear naming.
Something that wasn't there before.
"Please, Sara..Let me explain."
"There is nothing to explain...I'm leaving, that is that."
"Don't do this."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Let me explain.."
With a sigh, I surrender.
I look at him.
He is standing so close now.
My heart is pounding like crazy in my chest.
"So talk.."
"I need you here...Please.."
His words cause me more pain that I ever thought was possible.
"Oh, don't bother..."
I move away from him.
He takes my hand and makes me look at him.
His touch is like lightning on a clear day.
I almost fell.
His hand is warm in mine.
"Sara, don't do this.."
"Do what?"
"Don't leave."
"Why should I stay? Give me one good reason to stay."
"We need you."
"OH, don't bother...I don't care what the TEAM needs..What do you
want, Gris? What do you feel?"
He lets go of my hand.
I'm already missing his touch.
"I..Don't.."
He backs away from me.
"Don't what? It's a simple question. What do you feel? Or is that
too personal a question for the mighty Gil Grissom?"
"Don't Sara.."
I wanted to break him.
Hurt him.
I wanted to cause him all the pain he had caused me.
I moved towards him.
Anger filled my veins.
"What? Tell me what it's like to have no heart. What is it like to
feel absolutely nothing?"
His eyes are dark as he looks at me.
I can see pain there.
Sorrow.
"I should leave..."
He moves towards the door.
"That's your answer to everything. Run away."
He stops.
"You are a coward, Gil Grissom. I never would say it..But you are.."
Tears fill my eyes as I look at him.
He is standing with his back towards me.
A part of me wants to run up to him and beg him to stay with me.
A voice in my head screams
LOVE ME! LOVE ME! PLEASE,GOD..LOVE ME!
But someone up there wasn't listening.
"You think it's so easy..I wish it was so easy.."
"What are you talking about?"
He turns towards me.
His blue eyes pierce into me.
"I wish I could tell you..."
"Please, Gris...All I want is...You..."
I want to run into his arms.
I want him to save me from the pain that is causing my heart
to shatter into millions of tiny pieces.
I move toward him.
He doesn't run this time.
He just stands there.
His eyes meet mine.
I take his hand in mine.
He doesn't move away.
Doesn't object.
I don't care what is right and proper.
My hand trembles as I lift my hand to his face and stroke
his cheek.
My voice is just a whisper as I speak:
"Please...Let me love you...Love me.."
I want to brand every line of his face in my memory.
I want my hands to remember him.
This wonderful man.
It was a childish plead.
His eyes fill with tears as he looks at me.
"Sara, I can't....."
Those words were the death of me.
I have never known pain like that.
"Gris...please..I can't..I need.."
"I'm so sorry.."
In that moment my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.
My soul was ripped apart.
I let go of him.
Tears fall as I move away from him.
I don't care if he sees me cry.
"Sara, please..You have to stay.."
I look at him.
How can he be so cruel?
Why does he cause me so much pain?
"How can you ask me that?"
"We need you."
I move fast.
Anger.
Rage.
I want to break him.
Hurt him.
I slam my fist against his chest.
He doesn't stop me.
He lets me be.
"DAMN YOU, GRISSOM! DAMN YOU!"
My legs give way and I fall to the floor.
I crumble.
He reaches for me.
I want to hate him.
God, I need to hate him.
But I have failed once again.
How I have failed.
Our eyes meet.
"Please, leave.."
"Sara..Don't.."
"Gris...Please, leave..I can't..anymore.."
I am so tired of fighting for my heart.
I am bleeding inside now.
He moves toward the door.
I sit there on the floor where he left me.
I don't dare to move.
He opens the door slowly.
He stops and looks back at me.
"Goodbye, Sara..."
Then he is gone.
I listen to his footsteps dying away.
Then I surrender to a world of pain.
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