Title: Antidisestablishmentarianism (1?)
Author: WolfPilot06
Category: Fluff, humor, silliness, shonen ai, references to NCS, references to inappropriate usage of stuffed elephants, yaoi
Pairings: Tsuzuki x Hisoka, references to Muraki x Hisoka, Tats + His + Tsu, Wat + Tats, etc…etc…
Notes: Okay, this was not meant to be serious. This is a fic that's trying to make fun of clichés often found in the Yami no Matsuei fandom- and any other fandom, in that case…and it's probably failing miserably. P My writing style differs a bit from fic to fic, so don't expect to find this kind of stuff in my other stories. Not necessarily…er…well, this fic rambles. O.o;; and there seems to be no plot. shrugs Have fun.

And, er…yes, this is my first Yami no Matsuei fic. Beh.

It was during one of those mysterious lulls in conversation that it was said. A thing so blasphemous, so unexpected, that every head in the office of JuOhCho turned to stare at the speaker.

"Ah, no, that's okay. I don't think I want sweets today."

Kannubi Wakaba fainted. Terazuma stooped quickly and placed a thick pillow beneath her falling body before she could make contact with the tiled ground, gingerly avoiding the random wisp of her hair that came floating towards him threateningly. Partner or no partner, Terazuma Hajire had no desire to turn into a black-haired, red-eyed raging Shikigami at seven o'clock in the morning.

Tatsumi adjusted his glasses and stared at the speaker in bewilderment.

"What did you say?"

Amethyst eyes blinked innocently as the owner of the orbs gnawed on a celery stick.

"What?

"D-did you just say…that you don't want sweets today, Tsuzuki-san?" Tatsumi inquired faintly. Another coworker- this one male- promptly passed out as Tsuzuki Asato, famed sweets connoisseur and eater of anything remotely edible, nodded.

"Kami-sama! Someone call the rest of the Shinigami in! Tsuzuki-san has been possessed by another demon!" someone screamed, running out of the room. "Aiiee…!"

"I have not been possessed by another demon, thank you very much." Tsuzuki said, frowning in an irritated fashion. "I'm just not in the mood for sweets. What's wrong with that?"

"Ah, Tsuzuki-san…" Tatsumi murmured, still rather shocked by this turn of events. He adjusted his glasses again as they slipped down his nose. "There is the little fact that in your seventy or more years of employment at EnmaCho, you have never turned down an offer of sweets or food."

"There's a first time for everything." Tsuzuki said cheekily, grinning. The secretary of JuOhCho absently noted that there was a piece of celery stuck in Tsuzuki's teeth. Wakaba was slowly regaining consciousness under Terazuma's watchful eye, pitiful groans escaping her lips as she recovered from her fall. She sat up soon, rubbing the back of her head, wide eyes turning towards Tsuzuki.

"Tsuzuki-san," she began hesitantly, "Was I dreaming, or did you just say you didn't want sweets?"

"I said I didn't want sweets," Tsuzuki replied, clearly disturbed by the sudden interest in his refusal of sweets. He blinked several times and tilted his head to the side. "Is it really that novel of an event?

A chorus of "yes" came to him from every corner of the room. He blinked again.

Just then, the door slammed open, and an irate, blond boy stormed into the office, dragging behind him what looked like a large, stuffed elephant

"TSU-ZU-KI!" he yelled, "What…is…this?"

He threw the misshapen object at his partner with all the force his slender form could muster, managing to smack the surprised Shinigami in the forehead with the offending animal. Plucking the smiling toy from his chest and rising from his prone position on the ground, Tsuzuki grinned sheepishly at the green-eyed youth, who seemed beside himself with embarrassment and anger, quite resembling a tomato with all his blushing.

"Tsuzuki," Hisoka began again, taking a deep breath to calm himself, though his eyebrow continued to twitch in that way that only he could do. "Why did you feel the need to plant that…that thing outside my house? It scared the crap out of me when I opened my front door to find myself face to face…nose…whatever…with a white elephant this morning!"

"Aw, 'Soka-chan. I thought it was cute!" Tsuzuki nuzzled the stuffed creature to emphasize his point. To his surprise, Hisoka crumpled to the ground, eyes anguished and imploring.

"Tsuzuki…don't you know that I have a traumatic past with elephants?" he whimpered. Slender hands covered his eyes as his shoulders hunched in grief. "I remembered it all when Muraki caught me that first time…I told you about that night under the sakura, but…but I didn't tell you the worst part of it all. He made me…he made me…"

A sob wracked his small body, though he was obviously struggling against his tears. Tsuzuki dropped the elephant and rushed to his young partner's side, wrapping him in a tight embrace. Immediately, Hisoka's tears were forgotten and he shoved at his partner, trying to get away.

"Let go of me, baka!" he yelled, fists beating impotently at the older man's chest.

"No, 'Soka-chan!" Tsuzuki insisted, hugging his struggling charge even more tightly. "You're suffering and I won't let you suffer alone!"

Hands grasped Tsuzuki's shoulders and pulled him back even as he grasped wildly at his almost comatose partner to keep hold of him. Pouting, Tsuzuki looked up into the calm, blue gaze of the secretary of JuOhCho.

"Oh, hiya, Tatsumi." He waved. Tatsumi sighed, placing the amethyst-eyed man safely away from Hisoka, who was currently huddled against the wall in his typical "I-just-got-whelmed-over-by-Tsuzuki-baka's-stupid-emotions-again" pose. The secretary gave Tsuzuki a look.

"Tsuzuki, I would have thought that you'd know better by now than to grab your partner like that." He admonished. Tsuzuki, in full Inu-mode now, drooped, his ears falling flat against his dark hair.

"Aw, but he's just so…huggable!"

"Empathy, Tsuzuki-san." Tatsumi said severely. Tsuzuki blinked for the umpteenth time that day.

"Oh."

"Tsuzuki!" Hisoka panted, recovering from the empathic attack. Emerald eyes glared ferociously at his partner. "As much as I appreciate your sentiments, and as much as I love the feel of your hands on me, it is not worth the headache that I get every time you touch me!"

He clapped a hand over his mouth, looking horrified. Tsuzuki stared at him and attempted to glomp the poor boy again, but was restrained by Tatsumi once more.

"You do like me! You finally admitted it!" he cheered, still trying to hug his partner.

"I-I did not!"

"Yes you did! You said you like the feel of my hands! That's just the same as saying you love me!" Tsuzuki finally managed to break free of Tatsumi's hands and threw his arms around Hisoka's slender shoulders, causing the teenager to fall to the ground once more. Inu-Tsuzuki happily nuzzled against his partner's chest, ignoring the young Shinigami's protests and subsequent attempts to push him away.

"B-baka! Get off of me!"

"Nngh! No! You smell good!" Tsuzuki protested as Tatsumi and Terazuma forcibly lifted him from Hisoka's chest. The youth sat up, chest heaving for breath.

"Argh! You never let me finish my story, Tsuzuki, you idiot!" Hisoka snapped. Tsuzuki promptly plopped himself down on the ground and clapped his hands in delight.

"Ooh, a story! A story!" he cheered. Tatsumi and Terazuma exchanged a strange look.

"Tell me, Terazuma." Tatsumi whispered, "Did you see Watari-san anywhere near the coffee pot this morning?"

"No, though I wouldn't be surprised if he was." Terazuma hissed back. Nodding sagely, Tatsumi decided to go find the errant blond scientist, leaving poor Hisoka at the mercy of an exuberantly energetic Tsuzuki- who had declined the offer of sweets that morning.

"Now," Hisoka said with an irritated glare at Tsuzuki, "If you'll let me speak…"

The brunette Shinigami nodded eagerly, scooting closer so that he could gaze at his beloved partner all the more. The blonde ignored him and coughed into his hand, obviously preparing himself to recount his "traumatic past".

"As I told you…" he murmured, "It was on that night with the crimson moon, when I was feeling restless, that I ventured outdoors and met the man who would abuse, rape, and murder me. Muraki," he hissed, eyes glinting dangerously, "That evil doctor caught me after I witnessed his murder of a young woman, dragged me to the ground, stripped me of my clothing and, as he took away my innocence, carved into my skin the curse that remains imprinted upon my soul to this very day."

A growl made him look at Tsuzuki, who, astonishingly enough, managed to look both infinitely furious and devastated at the same time. Noticing Hisoka's stare, he gestured for him to go on.

"I was just thinking about how I'd like to kill Muraki." Tsuzuki explained, "After hearing what he did to you…"

Hisoka was touched, and not a little bit confused, as he always was when it came to emotional matters.

"Tsuzuki…"

"I'm thinking that I'll subject him to all the episodes of Teletubbies ever made, then a good thrashing with some wet noodles wielded by fierce Amazon women. After which I'll gleefully turn him over to the makers of Tickle-Me-Elmo.

Everyone within earshot gaped.

"Tsuzuki-san!" Wakaba said in astonishment, "Surely that is too cruel a punishment!"

"I think it's fitting, after what he did to me." Hisoka scowled. He cleared his throat and continued. "After he cursed me, though, Muraki was not finished. He…he pulled out his…his Omocha!"(1)

There was a collective gasp. Tsuzuki grabbed Hisoka's small hand in his own, clutching the startled boy's appendage to his chest as he gazed at his partner with watery eyes.

"Did…did it hurt?" Tsuzuki asked gently. Hisoka returned his gaze with befuddlement.

"What are you talking about, Tsuzuki?" he said, puzzled. "Omocha was a toy elephant."

There was dead silence.

"A…a toy…elephant?"

Hisoka nodded, eyes tearing up once again. Unconsciously, perhaps, he pulled Tsuzuki's hands towards his own chest, his eyebrow doing the twitchy thing that meant he was near to crying.

"And then…then he made his Omocha t-touch me as no toy elephant should ever touch a child!" he cried. He shook his head wildly, releasing Tsuzuki's limb to clutch at the sides of his head with his hands. "It…touched me…there."

The last he whispered to Tsuzuki in a shamed voice, pointing to "there" with one trembling finger.

Again, there was silence.

"A-ah…" Tsuzuki looked as if he wanted to comfort Hisoka, but confusion and sympathy warred for dominance over his expressive face. "'Soka? The elephant…it touched you…there?"

And he pointed, too. Hisoka nodded, great tears falling down his face. Tsuzuki tried to pull his partner into another embrace, but the boy bad-temperedly whapped his hands away.

"Quit it! I'm not done angsting yet!" he snapped.

Then he resumed his curled up fetal position, blank green eyes staring sightlessly out the window at the ever-falling sakura petals, oblivious to the startled look Tsuzuki was giving him.

"Terazuma," the man whispered to his rival, "Hisoka's being awfully strange today, don't you think?"

"So are you," Terazuma whispered back, "Tsuzuki-san."

"Terazuma-chan!"

"Tsuzuki-san!"

"Terazuma-chan!"(2)

"Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to properly angst over here!

Tatsumi eyed the two Shinigami over the rim of his glasses, noticing that Hisoka had recovered from his earlier angst bout and was currently trying to finish the case reports stacked on his desk. He looked not a little flustered, and his already noticeable blush deepened every time a coworker even glanced at him. Apparently, Hisoka had not been the only one embarrassed by his uncharacteristic behavior, for Tsuzuki was adamantly refusing to look at his partner, his eyes finding purchase anywhere in the room except for the space directly six feet in front of him, where Hisoka was sitting. Every time his gaze drifted towards Hisoka, a brilliant crimson flush would color his cheeks and he would avert his eyes immediately.

The secretary cleared his throat loudly and looked pointedly at Hisoka and Tsuzuki as the two started guiltily and turned towards him.

"Ah, Tatsumi-san." Tsuzuki said weakly, a faint smile touching his lips. Hisoka paled slightly.

"Kurosaki-kun." Tatsumi nodded, "Tsuzuki-san. You have a new assignment."

"Already?" Tsuzuki said in dismay, amethyst eyes filled with chagrin. Tatsumi ignored him, handing a case file to Hisoka, who eyed it with some trepidation. What would it be this time? Another Muraki-related murdering spree? Some other madman stalking Tsuzuki or himself? He opened the file and suppressed a groan.

It was worse than anything he had ever imagined.

He and Tsuzuki were receiving a Shinigami recruit.

"This is your new charge. Her name is Hanagawa Keito3; I trust you'll give her a warm welcome and treat her well." Tatsumi looked pointedly at his coworkers and opened the door. A teenage girl blinked at them from beyond the doorway, her short ponytail bobbing as she nervously bowed.

"Nice to meet you," Keito declared, bowing again. Perfunctorily, Hisoka ducked his head, followed by Tsuzuki a moment later, murmuring his agreement and reciprocal feelings. Green eyes then fixed themselves upon the newcomer, face hardening. Tatsumi left, anticipating what Hisoka was going to do next.

"Okay, let's set some ground rules here, first." Hisoka said firmly, setting a slender hand on his hip. Keito looked confused.

"But Tatsumi-san already-"

"No, no, you're a female original character, which means that there are different, unofficial rules that you have to follow." Tsuzuki cheerfully explained, digging through the vast, bottomless pockets of his trench coat as Hisoka nodded in agreement.

"Female original character?"

"Well, you certainly don't make an appearance in the regular series, and you're not mentioned at all in the manga or anime, therefore you must be an original character…" Hisoka demurred, "And since you're obviously female…" he stopped here, looking at Keito anxiously, "You are female, right?"

Keito's face flamed, "Of course I am!"

"Oh, good. Since you're an original character, and you're female, logically that means you're a female original character…"

Keito stared at him.

Tsuzuki cleared his throat, having at last found a battered, tea-stained manual, which appeared to be the fruit of his arduous search. Opening to the first page, he fixed Keito with a stern, purple gaze.

"Here are the rules you must learn. First rule: learn to shield your emotions. If you don't, you'll overwhelm 'Soka-chan whenever he's in the same room with you…"

"-especially if you're one of those female characters with a dark and angsty past and feels the incessant need to constantly brood about it." Hisoka chimed in. Keito blinked.

"I don't have an angsty past."

"Good."

"Second rule: you are not allowed to call Hisoka ''Soka-chan'. Only I, Tsuzuki Asato, am allowed to do that."

"Since when did that rule exist?" Hisoka exclaimed, "I never agreed to that."

"I added it when you were drunk that night. You said it was okay." Tsuzuki grinned cheekily at his partner, who turned an interesting shade of red.

"What?"

Tsuzuki ignored the blond boy then, happily turning the page. Keito caught a glimpse of a picture of what seemed to be a large, yellow duck in the manual, and began to wonder just what Tatsumi had been thinking to put her with this obviously insane pair.

"Third rule: if you have a past with Muraki Kazutaka, say it now. We refuse to be surprised when you and that sadistic bastard stop and have a melodramatic conversation in the midst of battle."

"Muraki who?"

"Fourth rule: stay away from both partners. If you in any way develop romantic urges towards one or another, you are not to spread slander or libel about either partner, nor are you allowed to pursue those romantic urges. May Kami-sama help you if you do."

"Fifth rule: there will be no uttering of ominous sounding prophecies. If Hisoka or I are crucial to the fate of the world, we'd prefer to find out about it in a pleasant, easy way, not some thunderous announcement that comes in the midst of an argument or some frighteningly grave discussion over tea."

"Sixth rule: there will be no sacrificing of any main character for obscure reasons, no matter whether it's to save a loved one from a mysterious disease, or to remove the curse that aforementioned Muraki Kazutaka may have placed upon you. If you wish to sacrifice a character, you are not allowed to give any other character a headache through the kidnapping of the former character, nor are you allowed to strike a deal with any mysterious person hiding in the shadows to gain what you wish."

Keito held a hand to her forehead. She was beginning to develop a migraine, but Tsuzuki didn't appear to be nearing the end of the ridiculous rulebook. In the background, Hisoka was absently nodding in agreement with Tsuzuki and scribbling on some form or another.

"Seventh rule: in conjunction with the sixth rule, aforementioned mysterious person hiding in the shadows is not allowed to enter Meifu under any conditions. Unless it would save the of the world…in that case, you may confer with the person in charge before asking to admit the person."

"I do not have dealings with shady characters!" Keito protested. Whatever had possessed her to become a Shinigami? Tsuzuki continued obliviously on.

"Eighth rule: you do not share a mysterious past with Hisoka or myself. If you think you do, then you are obviously imagining things because I have been dead for seventy years, and Hisoka was kept away from people for most of his early life. Unless you are another Shinigami, who through some twist of fate has managed to avoid me for seventy years, or if you are some mysterious visitor who crept into Hisoka's hospital room while he was sick and held probing conversations with him, I refuse to believe that you could share an unknown, touching past with us."

"Ninth rule: if you share any characteristics with either Hisoka or myself, you might as well quit right now. I refuse to have someone around who constantly surprises me with 'Soka-chan-like behavior, and I'm sure that nobody would appreciate having a second me around, as lovable as I am. Tenth rule-"

"Enough!" Keito shouted, leaping to her feet, "I've changed my mind! I don't want to be a Shinigami anymore. I'm telling Tatsumi that I'm going to move on. Ugh, my reasons for staying on aren't enough to be forced to deal with so many ridiculous rules. Have a nice afterlife!"

The two Shinigami stared at the slammed door in shock before turning towards each other. Hisoka blinked.

"I've never felt anyone so annoyed before." Hisoka murmured, returning to his report.

"Eh, well, that's the fourth recruit we've scared away…" Tsuzuki mused, "I hope Tatsumi realizes that we won't tolerate anyone trying to intrude upon our partnership. Geez, you'd think he'd get a clue…"

--

Later that afternoon, Tsuzuki settled comfortably in his chair. He was happy. It was a nice day; the sun was shining as always, blue sky covering the world with her benevolent beauty. Outside the window, pale pink sakura blossoms drifted from the everlasting sakura trees, covering the ground in a soft, rustling carpet, filling the air with their sweet fragrance. He had a cup of french vanilla flavored cappuccino made by Tatsumi- the secretary made the best coffee in Meifu-and a large plate of freshly made dorayaki4. It was a good day to be dead.

Suddenly, the tranquil silence was broken. Tsuzuki nearly fell over backwards as Tatsumi barged into the room, glasses askew and looking angrier than Tsuzuki had ever seen him before- except for once. That had been when Tatsumi had finally come face to face with their archenemy, Muraki. Tsuzuki still trembled at the memory of the expression on his ex-partner's face when he looked at the silver-haired doctor.

"Tsuzuki!" Tatsumi yelled. Tsuzuki blinked, still struggling to regain his balance. Tatsumi never shouted.

Tsuzuki finally managed to right himself and half-rose, placing his hands flat upon his desk.

"What is it, Tatsumi?" he asked anxiously, "Has Watari blown up the lab?" his eyes widened in horror, "He didn't misplace your quarterly reports again, did he?"

The secretary shook his head, secretly a bit miffed that Tsuzuki thought that pieces of paper and a blown up lab were all that he could get so worried about. The amethyst-eyed man didn't seem to realize that Tatsumi worried about him above everything else…though now that special concern had grown to include Hisoka as well. There was just something about the slender, cursed teenager that made Tatsumi want to protect him with everything he had. It might have had something to do with Tsuzuki's undeclared affection for Hisoka. Speaking of Hisoka…

"It's Kurosaki-kun," Tatsumi blurted, hand automatically adjusting his glasses. He was angry beyond imagination, but he was also very afraid. "He's been taken by that bastard Muraki again."

"What?" Tsuzuki roared. Before Tatsumi could say any more, the violet-eyed man leaped to his feet and was immediately out the door, pulling a messenger fuda out of his pocket as he ran. A few papers fluttered to the ground in his wake. Tatsumi sighed and bent to pick them up.

"I hope you get to him in time, Tsuzuki-san." He whispered, "For your sake…and for Hisoka's as well. Only Kami-sama knows what that bastard will do to him with his Omocha again."

His eyes fell upon the stuffed white elephant lying in the corner. Remembering Hisoka's horrific tale, he shuddered, the smiling animal taking on a menacing air in his mind. Gingerly, he picked up the elephant as if he were handling a pile of dung, wrinkling his nose with distaste until he had safely deposited the object in the waste disposal unit. He brushed his hands together.

"Excellent. Now to find Tsuzuki and Kurosaki-kun."

The door shut behind his marching form and the room fell into silence once more.

Suddenly, a faint shuffling sound came from the garbage can.

A pair of glowing red eyes peeked over the edge.

TBC

Why to be continued? Simply because the insanity has not ended. XD

C&C please!

Wolf

(1) Omocha - toy in Japanese. Eh, I suppose there are possible perverted connotations to the word…especially since we're talking about Muraki here.

(2) Eh, this is what I got from the translation of that volume with the archery contest. It's noted that Terazuma is insulting Tsuzuki by calling addressing him as "Tsuzuki-san" rather than "sempai". And Tsuzuki returns the insult by calling him "Terazuma-chan". ;

(3) Hanagawa Keito: I made up this name from parts of Japanese last names that I found on these two websites, plus an actual first name. Keito is "Kate", while Hanagawa is my pathetic attempt to say "flower-river". So, Kate Flower-river. O.o;;

(4) dorayaki: pancakes with anko (sweet red bean) filling