This was written due to frustration of the characters being pushed into the background when they (especially Ronnie) have a lot to explore. I just wanted to deal with were they currently are at on the show and I ended up going a little further. Just a warning that this story contains a future storyline (done my way so its most likely nothing like how it happens) and non graphic description of sex. It is a song fic (I always feel uncomfortable writing those. And it's a song I've used before but it's beautiful and fits the characters perfectly. It's Watch Over You by Alter Bridge. Yeah I think I've said everything so please read and review.
Everywhere In the Dark
The weight of his grief should be enough to make him stop fixating on her. It should smother the flames till he could not see through the smoke. It didn't though, and maybe there should be no surprise because he did all for her anyway.
At the time he had told himself that he had been trying to protect both of them. His nephew because the evidence was so condemning and the younger man was one of the more innocent members of his family, and Ronnie because he loved her even if she had been the person who murdered Archie, and he had wondered if she was capable. But he had lied to himself just as he lied to his brother. Encouraging Bradley to run was so much more about saving Ronnie than his nephew.
She had used him. She had asked for his help, thanked him for waiting for her and finally fallen into his arms. And even though he should know better he fooled himself into thinking it would be forever, that she had dealt with her grief enough to move forward with him. Then she turned cold, again, and the suspicious part of his brain wondered if she had only reached out to him because she was the police's chief suspect. And now Bradley was dead and Ronnie was not the person he thought she was.
After all the drama he would like nothing better than to sink into the bottom of a bottle of whiskey and atone for his numerous sins but she was still there, trying to comfort and connect after weeks of pushing him away. And he was so fucking angry at himself for failing and at her for always being in pieces. Angry at her for not putting herself back together when he was hurting.
He called her damaged and they both knew it was not a lie but he had not meant for it to sound so final, like he was washing his hands of her for good. He had just been so brittle with anger and guilt that her tender touch and misguided words had made him explode. Words just seem to linger, rot and decay between them.
Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love
It was expected but it still hurt that she did not chase after him when he retreated. It all seemed part of the same morbid dance that was their relationship. She did not even look at him at Bradley's wake; she just murmured her apologies to Max ignoring Jack's concentrated stare and left.
She was the only person who could understand the depth of Max's loss yet she did not seem to be able to summon up a connection with the man. Jack had been disappointed but not surprised. The way she refused to relate to others made him want to shake her till she woke up to the world around her.
He had followed her instinctively, his feet moving before his mind made the decision. He needed her, needed her to tell him that his nephew's death was not his fault and the blame he saw burring through Max's grief was just because his brother needed someone to hold accountable. He needed to see love and trust reflected in the chlorine blue of her eyes before he could believe that he wasn't a bad person.
She did not look back. He stood in the doorway, the wind stinging his eyes as he watched her walk away and she did not even look back. He had spent so long waiting for her to get better, trying to be a silent pillar of support but now he couldn't help but wonder if all the tragedy had eaten away at the woman he had loved. It was like a punch to the gut when he realised he was grieving for two people.
I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go
He was putting out the rubbish on a frosty morning when he next saw her. The aftertaste of his second cup of coffee making him feel vaguely sick as he catches her gaze. He can not ignore the way the air crackles with intensity even though he knew it shouldn't not after all this time.
She was dressed for a night out and her heavy make-up was smudged beneath her eyes making the contrast of her skin almost colourless. He wants to demand she tell him where she had spent the entire night or ask when was the last time she slept but the hardness in the lines of her lips tell him that he has no right.
She looked impossibly small, somehow both wounded and open yet formable and determined. It all makes him want to hold her ignoring the way she's made of sharp pieces, shrapnel waiting to pierce him open and he has the scars to show that he struggles to refuse her.
There are no words to say because there are none that need saying, because there are words they have never been brave enough to say. So he simply holds eye contact daring her to walk away or explain why he no longer understands her. Instead she stares back unblinking for the longest time eyes like cold steel before shaking her head slightly and walking away. He feels as if he has missed something important but can't bring himself to follow her.
Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?
A week passes and nothing changes, they both seem so wrapped up within their own failures to deal with each others. Ronnie made less and less appearances behind the pubs bar and the concern that welled up inside him pushed the other emotions aside. He understood enough that she is pushing her family away just like she does with him, sometimes it seems like she reveals within her misery.
Even when she disappears out of his life he can not stop thinking about her. He had no idea how he had let everything become so unravelled.
Somehow all the loss, all the nothingness has turned into something physical and heavy pushing down on him and he had to get away. He can't stand to be around Max and his silent despair. Selina was a little passive aggressive but she did not question her ex-husbands sudden visit. Penny was a delighted little ball of energy and even his ex-wife's new husband managed to be superficially friendly. But he was not part of that family anymore even if they tolerated him they still felt far away.
The little girl had moaned with embarrassment when her father hugged her tightly not quite understanding why there were tears in his eyes as he pulled away. His daughter was alive and it was incredibly life affirming to spend time with her. It was not till the long drive home that he truly contemplated that his daughter was alive, both of them while the children of the two people he loved the most were rotting in the ground.
He returns to running his nightclub and remembers when it was theirs. It was in their office were he learnt her volatile temper and memorised the plains of her face. Now he spends his days taking deliveries and filling in paperwork trying to ignore the echoes from the empty walls and the distant memories of the endless hours they spent verbally sparing.
You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?
And everything happens at once because suddenly he has another nephew that needs him. Billie's mum had her hands full trying to put hold Max together no matter how impossible the task appeared to be. Jack understood that some people could not be helped till they wanted it all too well.
While he worries for the young man involved over his head Jack could not ignore the faint twinge of excitement. He understood this world filled with guns and gangs and shadows. It reminds him of being in the police again and he realises that he misses the sense of pride and responsibility.
He tried not to have regrets because if he let one in the floodgates would open and drown him but he can't help but regret becoming a jaded bent copper. I will save this one. It becomes his mantra because he has already let so many people down. Its like learning to breathe again, the adrenaline rush of intimidation and reasoning, of getting rid the small handful of deadly metal that made up a handgun. He will save Billie like he should have done with Bradley.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that he did not notice her at first, sitting in the corner of the office. He had no idea how she managed to let herself into the empty club but the answer did not seem important.
"Ron."
He knelt down in front of her as she glances up at him biting her lower lip. Her eyes were dry but there was a lingering wetness on her cheeks, he does not understand or recognise her expression.
Suddenly her arms are wrapped around his neck and her face buried in the fabric of his coat. The force of her flinging herself at him causes him to wobble in his uncomfortable crouched position, his hand automatically moving to cup the back of her head smoothing down her hair as if to calm her. She lets him hold her for a long moment before pulling back and staring down at their touching knees. He knows her well enough to tell she's thinking even if she won't look at him. The next thing he knows she seems to have made her decision and pulls him into a hard kiss.
And when I'm gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?
Somehow they end up having sex right there on the floor. He knows he should stop it but there is something in the way her lips press against his that sparks a need for her deep and heavy in his belly. She tastes like vodka and regret, she smells like rain.
Latter he is horrified when he can see through the feverish lust because there is something strange in the way she silently clung to him. He should have been strong enough to realise he should make her stop but she's like a drug. After she quickly dresses and leaves his skin itches with withdrawal.
They have been here before and the delicious muscle memory of skin against skin is almost enough to break him. Even if it wasn't like it used to be, too much had happened since they first got together. Her body is different under his eyes, mouth and hands, she's lost a lot of muscle tone and curves and he is suddenly conscious that he has not seen her go running for the longest time. Her skin was tight over her long limbs and it hurts to think about how she's too skinny so he presses his mouth to her neck and loses his trail of thought to the warmth of her body.
She wasn't aggressive but there was an assertiveness that made him let her take control. And her body plays him till he hums and his eyes roll back into his head but her soul is safely tucked away. He doesn't question it, can't, because he is just a moth drawn to a flame but at least she still seems to need him.
She stops him holding her, stops any caress that burns under the weight of something more meaningful. He grasps her hips tightly as she rides him, pelvis grinding against his in a way that makes him see stars. Her hair falls in a curtain over narrow shoulders like liquid gold, her skin is luminescent in the half light glowing in a way that is all to ethereal. Her eyes are shut tightly and he wishes that she would open them and share what she is feeling.
I can't go on
And let you lose it all
It's more than I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain
Of course she seamlessly removes herself from his life just as she easily slipped back in. If it was not for the ache in his thighs he could have believed it was all a dream. He can't do it anymore, she is beyond his help. He can not live like this, sometimes getting to touch her but never connecting. He can not watch her hurt anymore.
It feels more like an ending than the beginning he want it to be when he corners her on her own doorstep, the sky threatening rain. He has no hope left for her but he can not stop trying.
"I love you so much it scares me. Please Ron, just let me in."
Her hair falls around her bowed head like a veil and while he has made himself vulnerable he is glad he can't see her expression.
She glances up at him, face trying so hard to be blank but he is sure that he can see surprise and maybe she knows he will never ask again.
"It's too late for that."
He has never heard her so resigned.
"It's not too late."
She shakes her head, her movements jerky and furious. He catches her eyes as she answers, sees something there that's dark and new.
"No you're not listening to me. It's too late for me."
Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength
When you're not strong?
Who'll watch over you
When I've gone away?
There should be something more dramatic to mark an ending but life went on no matter how much it felt like it was over. Dusk falls and maybe the sun will never rise again. He wished he could be angry at her for giving up but all he can feel is jaded regret that came with acceptance.
He goes to the club in a daze and tries not to think about everything they once shared. He's staff quickly leave him to close up alone and he understands that his mood does not make him the best company but can't bring himself to care.
The noise of keys jangling in the lock covers the sound of footsteps but he soon senses that he is not alone. He has to squint to make out a bulky frame in the shadows of the night. The figure shifts its weight as it watched Jack and then he remembers all about his nephew and the gang. He had been so caught up with Ronnie that he had actually forgotten. His heart leaps into his throat when he realises he might have failed another loved one.
He flinches at the violence of the bang before he felt the pain; it rolled through the empty street like thunder. And there was something warm and wet making the fabric of his shirt stick to his chest.
It's when he glances down and sees the blood expanding slowly outwards from a tiny hole that he realises that he had been shot. Surprise bubbled inside and he wanted to laugh because he has shot people before and maybe this was revenge. He looks up sharply to see if the figure was still there even when rationally he knew the damage has already been done. He starts to think about whom to call for help when his muscles go lax and his knees drop out beneath him. His vision turns black before he reaches the ground. This was not the kind of ending he was expecting.
Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone