All he could Ask For
He found her where he always found her these days; seated behind her desk at Watchtower, typing away. Her fingers moving across the built-in keyboard so rapidly that if he didn't know better he would swear that there was still some part of Brainiac inhabiting her body. He hesitated before letting his knuckles tap the door ever so slightly. She stopped and looked over her shoulder at him. The smile she gave him was foreign to him… it seemed that a lot of things had become foreign to him since he had come back. She raised an eyebrow slightly almost as if she didn't understand what he had done. Knocking… it was never needed before. They had an open door policy all their lives… until now.
"Can we talk?" He asked.
She nodded and then turned back to her desk. Her fingers continued to move but the fluidity had disappeared. He could tell in the way her shoulders tensed…
"I assume you're here to apologize." She remarked off-handedly.
He sighed shoving his hands into his pockets as he watched the images change before him. Luthor Corp. buildings, bleeding into a lab, transforming into a landscape of what looked to be South America. "You seem busy."
She chuckled darkly. "Aren't we all? The end of the world may be right around the corner… I'm really surprised you're not freaking out more about this."
He stared at her profile for a moment feeling something inside him shift and he exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.
'I haven't spoken to Chloe in months…'
'Why should I trust you?'
He swallowed hard feeling the beat of his heart speed up just slightly. It was strange to see her now… knowing what was to come.
She turned to him and placed her hands in her lap. "What; what is it that you're not telling me?" She asked pointedly and watched him furrow his brow. "You did the 'deep exhale, I have something I don't want to say' thing." She stated.
"The… I did what?" He asked confused.
"The exhale… it's what you do when you have something that's on your mind! You've always done it… you always do it… so what is it?" She asked.
He felt a half smile come to his face in spite of the situation. How did they go from her making statements like that to a future where all that lay between them were bitter secrets and guarded words?
"If this is about you accusing me of having Lois abducted just let it go. I understand how much she means to you… and quite frankly with everything that's been going on I don't blame you for the accusation." She stated taking a stand and beginning to walk around him when he reached out and took her arm in his. She looked up at him and for a moment he just stared at her. Those green eyes that had always held so much trust and devotion… they were changing… was it already happening? Was he too late? Had he waited too long?
"Do you…" He sighed and struggled to keep his voice steady. "Do you realize how much you mean to me?" His voice was soft yet extremely meaningful. The tone caught her off guard… or perhaps it was the question itself.
She searched his face as if trying to find something… "Clark... are you okay?" She asked instead.
"Answer me." He demanded. "Do you?"
"I know..." She hesitated as though choosing her words carefully… guarding exactly how much she chose to reveal and he found himself not liking it.
"I'm not me… without you." He answered for her and saw the skepticism in the way her lips curled slightly. It was as if she wasn't taking him seriously.
"Clark come on… Look I'm not sure what you exactly saw in Lois's head but whatever it was…" She began when he cut her off.
"I saw what you had become… what we had become." He replied. "I saw a world falling apart because… because we stopped trusting each other. I left to go fight Zod on my own and I… I abandoned you… I abandoned us." He felt her stiffen at his words. She swallowed hard. "When Lois went missing I just reacted and…" He began.
"You were lost because Lois vanished! I get that." She stated her voice becoming slightly hard, almost defensive. It was as if she had to say it to convince the both of them.
He shook his head hearing the meaning behind her words. "She's not… she's not more important to me than you are."
She reeled back slightly as though he had hit her but the truth of his words couldn't be ignored. It's what she believed… it's what he knew would tear them apart eventually. It was the unspoken entity that was slowly causing the chasm between them right now.
She cocked her head slightly. "Where is this coming from?" She asked.
"It's coming from someone who has seen what leaving you is going to do to us… I know that you say you understand… that we're okay… but…"
"We are!" She snapped.
"We're not!" He snapped back. "Look at us! Look at what's happening to us. We're not okay Chloe! Stop making excuses for me. Stop saying it's okay when inside it's bothering you."
"What exactly do you want from me Clark?"
"The truth! I want the truth!" He shot back. "God Chloe… how did we get so far from the people that we used to be?"
"The truth? You want the truth?" She asked incredulously. "The truth is... I miss him! I miss him all the time Clark!" She shouted bitterly, the tears were clouding her eyes. "I miss him every minute of every day and I hate… I hate that he's not here because of me. Because of the choices that I made... because I screwed up." She choked slightly on a sob and pulled away from him. Using her hand to cover her trembling lips as if she were afraid of her own words as if she couldn't breathe.
"Chloe… I know… I know that it hurts." He whispered reaching for her but she took another step back, another step away from him.
She stared at him for what felt like endless moments. The silence between them was deafening and he could almost feel them drifting further and further apart somehow. Her eyes were staring at him. The green orbs seemed to ripple with the unshed tears reminding him of the sea right before a storm.
"I know that you do." Her voice was soft. "I know you understand… and I hate you for it." The tears were on her cheeks and she made no effort to wipe them away… perhaps she wasn't aware. "I don't understand how you could know my pain… know what this feels like and still not… help me." The last two words came out as a plea. She was begging him to take her pain away.
"I can't… Chloe you know that I can't... The consequences of what going back in time could do…" He began and it was her turn to cut him off.
Shaking her head from side to side slowly she shrugged helplessly. "I don't care." Her voice was still soft… her lips trembled slightly on her words. She was still begging... still pleading with him in her own way. "I've given up…" She swallowed hard looking up at the ceiling for a moment as though it hurt just to look at him. And when she spoke he would have missed it if it weren't for super hearing.
"You're everything to me."
They were such simple words. It was such a simple truth. He was everything to her… he was first and foremost in her life. It was as simple as that. No one would ever, could ever be more to her than him. Not even Jimmy, who she missed all the time could ever mean more to her than him.
"Chloe…" He began.
She gave him an affirmative nod. "I am keeping things from you… I'm holding back, and I'm hiding stuff." She stated honestly. "…because telling you the truth… It's not an option for me… I'm not… strong enough." Looking into his eyes she gave him a sad helpless smile. "I'm not strong enough to believe that you'll be there...or even understand the things that I've done."
"I will be. I'm promising you that I will be here for you no matter what." His voice was fierce.
"Until you need go off to find yourself again... " She stated. "Or until something happens… something horrible happens and you blame yourself and have to go and deal with it on your own?" She shook her head. "I can't… I can't keep waiting for you to… to walk out of my life Clark." She exhaled a shaky breath. "I know... that I'm supposed to be strong... I know that I'm the one that's supposed to take care of the heroes when they can't seem to take care of themselves." She was silent as a ghost of a smile came to her lips. It was just a slight curve of her lips that would have been missed if he didn't know her so well. "...but sometimes I need..." She stopped short and looked up into his eyes. The unspoken plea said it all.
'Save me...'
Licking her lips she wiped the tears from her cheeks before she spoke again. "Do you remember that time when I was kidnapped and put in that coffin? I was buried alive, out in the middle of nowhere and there was no reason for me to believe that someone was going to find me... but you did. You found me Clark. Do you remember what I said to you?" She asked shifting her head slightly as though she were looking at a completely different man. "I said...I knew it was you... it's always you." She shook her head sadly. "I mean it could have been anyone... but somehow I just knew that it would be you... Before I knew about your powers or you being from another planet... when you were just a small town farm boy with a disarming smile... somehow I knew that you would always come for me." She shrugged sadly. "...and I'm not sure when that changed for me... but I'm just not that sure of you anymore." She laughed but the sound was void of humor. "So there's your truth... Clark." She sniffed slightly wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Now what?" She asked.
Now what? That was a good question. One that he didn't have an answer for. God how did they end up here? How had something so wonderful in his life become this? And how was he to get back to where they used to be? Was it even possible?
He hadn't realized how far they had strayed from the people the used to be and it was heartbreaking as it was fascinating. They had somehow morphed into different people in less than six months. The very nature of their relationship had deteriorated right before their eyes and neither one of them were able to stop it and perhaps now it was too late.
Looking down into her face he found himself remembering... remembering the spunk of a fifteen year old girl with a smile so wide that it could break and mend your heart almost at the same time. And he missed that girl. He missed that faith that she had for him. He missed the devotion and belief that she held in the depths of her eyes. And more than anything all he wanted to do was go back... he just wanted to go back to when things were good.
Walking across the room he stood before her and did the only thing that he could think of... the only thing that seemed left to do that remained a constant between them.
He reached out...
He grabbed her in his arms...
and he hugged her.
His arms wrapped themselves around her tiny frame and brought her into his chest. He could hear the beating of her heart slightly out of sync with his own. He could feel her arms pressed between them, folded at a slightly awkward angle keeping her from holding him. He could feel the exhale and inhale of every breath she took. Pressing his lips to the top of her head he inhaled her scent and on the exhale he whispered into her hair.
"I"m sorry." Two small words that meant so much.
It wouldn't fix all their problems... it wasn't going to mend their friendship overnight... and it wasn't going to make up for all that was wrong between them...
but it was a start...
And as he felt her shift within his grasp and wrap her arms around him ever so gently he realized that was all he could do.
It was all he could ask for.