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The First Meeting Alteration
Chapter One
First Published 1/16/2015
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A retelling of the pilot episode, with the alternate premise that Leonard first meets Penny without Sheldon present.
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After the debacle at the sperm bank, Leonard and Sheldon stopped off at the House of Tandoori for some Indian food, although technically only Leonard actually went into the restaurant, then returned to their apartment building at 2311 North Los Robles for lunch and a much-needed respite from work, where they had both been working non-stop since early Friday morning, after Sheldon finished his morning bowel movement.
"Are you still mad about the sperm bank?" Sheldon asked as they walked up the stairs to 4A, their apartment.
Leonard was, a little, but there was no point in starting an argument about it—he should have known Sheldon couldn't handle a trip to a sperm bank!—but he simply said, "No," hoping that would end the conversation.
It didn't. "You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?" Sheldon asked next.
"Not really," Leonard said, knowing it was a futile comment.
"If the height of a single step is off by as much as two millimeters, most people will trip," Sheldon declared.
Leonard looked at him. "I don't care," he said, trying to emphasize his disinterest. But a few steps later—"Two millimenters? That doesn't sound right!"
"Well, it's true," Sheldon said enthusiastically. "I did a series of experiments when I was twelve—my father broke his clavicle."
Ouch. His poor father. "Is that why they sent you to boarding school?" Leonard asked.
"No," Sheldon shook his head. "That was the result of my work with lasers."
Starting up the landing toward the fourth floor, Leonard stepped on his shoelace. "Hang on," he said, putting down the bag of food and stopping to retie his sneaker.
Sheldon continued walking up the stairs. "Hurry up," he said. "We're going to start watching season two of Battlestar Galactica!"
"We already watched the season two DVDs," Leonard said, trying to hurry up but getting the knot wrong because he was looking up at Sheldon.
"Not with commentary," Sheldon said. He went straight to the door of 4A, quickly unlocked it and stepped inside. "I'll get the first disc queued up," he said from inside the door. "Try not to trip over your shoelaces again on the way up."
Leonard sighed, finished tying his laces, then trudged to the top of the stairs, staring at the closed door with some irritation. He wished for once Sheldon would have a little consideration for him when he had something he needed to take care of. Sheldon had wanted the extra money the sperm bank would have provided him, and the idea of jerking off for money sort of appealed to Leonard, given that he'd done it quite a few times for free already. But once the reality confronted him, he'd chickened out.
The sound of music from across the hall attracted his attention. Looking over, he saw the door to 4B was open, and a very attractive blonde was standing in the apartment looking at some stuff piled on a table. The black guy who'd been living there had moved out at the beginning of the month; this girl must have moved in while they were working all day and night on Friday.
Normally, Leonard had some difficulty talking to women, especially initiating conversations, and even more especially with very attractive women. But there was something about this one… Leonard found his feet moving toward 4B almost without conscious intent. She was dressed in a light blue blouse, blue jean shorts, and a pair of light brown boots. Or tan, perhaps, or beige. Leonard wasn't entirely sure. Also, the blue blouse might have been cyan, he wasn't sure of that, either.
He was almost in her doorway before he realized he should introduce himself. What should he say? For a moment Leonard panicked as he realized he wasn't prepared to talk to her! He had no suggestion cards for beginning a conversation, nothing! He took a step back, wondering if he should turn and bolt for his apartment before she saw him—it would certainly solve the conversation problem!
She turned and looked at him, smiling. Leonard froze. She'd seen him! What should he do? Turning and bolting was still an option…
"Oh, hi," the girl said, still smiling.
I have to say something I have to say something I have to say something— "Hi," Leonard said, amazed at his own bravery. "Hi," he said again, thinking if saying it once was good, twice was better.
"Hi," the girl said again.
"Hi," Leonard responded automatically. While he was pleased to be talking to her, repeating the word "hi" was not moving the conversation along. And Leonard did want to get it moving!
"Sorry," he said, stepping closer. "I don't mean to interrupt. I live across the hall. With my roommate, Sheldon," he added, almost compulsively.
"Oh," the girl said. "That's nice…" There was something about how she said that—had she gotten the wrong impression about him and Sheldon? He sure didn't want that!
"Um, what I mean is," Leonard went on, "is that we live together in the apartment, but we don't live together, per se—that is, we each have separate, heterosexual bedrooms." That sounded stupid! he berated himself Why did you say that?!
But the girl seemed not to notice. "Oh, okay," she said. She clicked off her radio and came closer to the doorway. She was wearing perfume and Leonard could smell its wonderful fragrance on her. "Well, I guess I'm your new neighbor, Penny."
"Leonard," Leonard said. He started to put out his hand to shake, but she didn't reciprocate and Leonard quickly changed the gesture to touching his own chest, as if that was what he'd intended to do, to point to himself. Flustered, he again went with "Hi."
"Hi," Penny said as well, smiling brightly.
She didn't say anything else, and Leonard wondered what the protocol should be for welcoming a new neighbor. "Oh, um, well… welcome to the building," he finally stated, trying to sound warm and gracious.
"Oh, thank you," she replied, equally gracious. "Maybe we can have coffee sometime."
"Oh, great!" Leonard said, surprised. This girl had just met him and already she'd asked him to have coffee! Wolowitz and Koothrappali would never believe this! Sheldon would never believe this!
"Great!" the girl agreed, still smiling. That was a good sign, Leonard hoped. That, and she hadn't slammed the door in his face yet.
He needed to beat a hasty and strategic retreat while things were still great. "Well, um, bye," he said, not moving.
"Bye," she said, closing the door.
"Bye," Leonard said one more time as the door closed. Oh, shoot! Now that the door was closed, he realized he'd been standing there with a bag of food in his hand! He should have invited her for lunch!
Leonard turned and looked at 4A, imagining what the conversation was going to be like if he showed up in their apartment with a strange girl in tow. Not that she was strange per se, but you had to ease Sheldon into meeting people. He sometimes got spooked if they came up on him too suddenly… There was also going to be inevitable complaining about splitting two meals three ways. It really was going to be quite an ordeal…
Leonard looked back at 4B. Well, maybe this time it was worth it, he decided. He knocked on the door again. When Penny opened the door he said, "Hi. Again."
"Hi," Penny said, with that wonderful smile still on her face.
"Hi," he said again.
"Hi!" she said, making it clear that was the last one she was going to say. She was looking at Leonard expectantly.
Leonard got the message. "Anyway, we, um, brought home Indian food." He held up the bag to emphasize the point. Now how to get the idea of lunch across to her? "I know moving can be stressful," he improvised. "And I know that when I'm under stress—" like now "—I find that good food and company can have a comforting effect." Penny smiled but didn't say anything.
What else could he say to get across the idea of lunch? Oh, yeah— "Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have tell you, a clean colon is—just one less thing to worry about!"
She was giving him a curious look. What had he done? Oh, of course! He should not be talking about clean colons at a time like this! Idiot!
"Sorry," he said quickly. "I-I-I shouldn't be making references to—um, things like that—uh, in the context of eating lunch."
"Oh," Penny suddenly looked surprised. "Are you inviting me to eat with you?" She looked delighted. "That's so nice! I'd love to."
"Great," Leonard said, watching as she closed the door of 4B and started toward 4A. "Um, Penny—?"
Penny turned to look at him. "Yes?"
"There's a—few things—you should know before you come into our apartment," Leonard said carefully, getting between her and the door. "The first thing you should know is… well, Sheldon."
"Sheldon?" Penny repeated, curiously. "That's your roommate, right?"
"Right," Leonard nodded.
"Okay," Penny said, bouncing happily with anticipation. "What about him?"
"He's—" There were so many words running through Leonard's mind at the moment. Interesting? Unusual? Unique? Strange? Weird? Crazy? Completely insane? Which one should he use?
"He's a bit shy," Leonard decided to go with a Sheldon classic. "He needs to get to know someone before he's comfortable around them."
"Well, I'm pretty easy to get along with," Penny said, smiling broadly. "Look at how quickly you and I got along!"
"Well, yeah…" Leonard agreed. "But I'm a little more, um, normal than Sheldon is."
"Normal? Come on, he's can't be that bad, can he? What's he going to do if I come over, run and hide?"
"I wouldn't discount it," Leonard muttered. "But we'll see," he went on, gamely. He turned toward the door but stopped and turned back. "Oh, just one more thing," he told her.
"What's that?" Penny asked, by now intrigued with her new neighbor and his mystery roommate.
"There's this certain spot on the couch…"