Refuting Christmas Myths

by Legolas Skywalker

This is the best story ever called Refuting Christmas Myths, and written by Legolas Skywalker! It is also what happens when we get hyper and talk about Santa Claus. It is rated K for insults.

Refuting Christmas Myths

Legolas Skywalker

I'm sure you've all heard of this "Santa Claus" character, and the surrounding myths,
but have you ever deeply thought about the lies in this myth? Think about it, some old
man flys around giving gifts to good little human children. There are 2 main
problems with this myth:
1) No human could live that long. "Santa Claus" has been around for how long? For
more than 1700 years! I mean give me a break! Only elves and wizards live that long,
and look anything like this "Santa" character. (And I do recognize that ents… live that long but realistically speaking an ent couldn't be "Santa" Picture this: "Santa" says ho, ho, ho and it's Easter! Then there's that whole being made of wood thing, it just doesn't go well with going down chimneys….) Because elves don't have beards, this "Santa" would have to be a wizard.

2) "Santa's" little helpers. Can you really picture a bunch of vertically challenged elves running around making toys for humans! It's insulting! First, elves are NOT that short. Only dwarves and hobbits are that short. Dwarves just are too: greedy, untalented, stupid, fat, ugly, stinky, aggravating, barbaric, exasperating, evil, annoying, crude, glutinous, appalling, depraved, atrocious, awful, pause for breath… well, you get the point. Hobbits though, hobbit might, work….

So, this Christmas remember "Santa" is not some fat old man in a red suit, ruling over vertically challenged "elves"; rather he is an evil wizard (current theories point to Gandalf, but that's another story…) ruling over poor defenseless hobbits.

Have a merry Christmas!