Oh my, more Trek, you ask? But of course! 'Tis the best after all...

Written for another prompt on the lj kink meme: Bones teaches Sex Ed to the crew of the Enterprise. Hilarity Ensues. Slight Bones/Jim

Enjoy!

Bones walked into the crowded lecture room looking even more pissed off than he usually did. Thanks to a recent outbreak of Swine Crabs found among Enterprise personnel after the last shore leave, he had been ordered by the higher ups to conduct Sex Ed for the entire crew.

Of course, very few people were taking it seriously and those that even showed up for class were probably only there to make fun of the whole prospect. Upon entering and seeing Jim Kirk's smiling face, Bones knew he was in for a really shitty time. Slamming his first aid kit on the speaker's desk, he silenced the chatty room, drawing everyone's attention at once.

"Alright, everyone sit down and shut up. I don't want to be here anymore than you do."

"I want to be here, Bones," Jim called from the second row.

"Shut up, Jim. It's probably your fault we're all here anyway."

What might have offended most only served to flatter James T. Kirk.

"Listen, class, let's just get this over with as soon as possible. Now," McCoy proceeded to turn around and start writing a big word on the board behind him. It was the whole damn reason they were there.

"SEX," Bones shouted to the class, "is like space. It's disease and danger…"

"Wrapped in darkness and silence." The class finished the mantra for him.

"But you were far from silent when you were screaming my name last night, weren't you Bones?" Jim called.

"So help me, Jim, I will castrate you."

"Dr. McCoy!" Chekov was calling and raising his hand.

"Yes, Chekov, what is it?"

"Is it dangerous to use lubricant?"

McCoy sighed. "As long as it's not Vaseline, it shouldn't be. Can anyone tell me why?"

"Vaseline contains properties that wear away a condom, thus rendering it useless during protected sex." Spock answered from the very front row. McCoy hadn't noticed him until he'd opened his mouth.

"Well, Spock, I'm surprised you know anything about sex considering you only have it once every seven years."

A few "Ohhhh"s came from various sections of the room, except for Kirk, who felt the need to make a hissing noise and shake his hand as though he'd been burned.

"I actually find the subject of intercourse and the human use of "recreational sex" to be fascinating." Slowly, Spock started scooting his chair forward until it was only a few feet from where Bones was standing. "Please, do continue, Doctor."

Unsure of how to respond to that, Bones tried to continue his lesson with the Vulcan intently staring at him from only a few feet away.

"Uh…as I was saying, when you have sex, there are all sorts of things that you could catch or suffer from if you haven't been tested…"

"What about chocolate syrup? Is that a dangerous lubricant?" Chekov called from the back.

"What the…? Yes, Chekov, sure. Let's keep questions 'till the end. Now, as I was saying, there are all kinds of diseases you can catch, but if you wear a condom, you greatly reduce the risk of contracting them."

As he was about to turn around to write more on the board, he saw Chekov's hand shoot up again.

"I said hold all questions."

"Which position is better in your professional experience: the fire hydrant or the double-legged anchor?"

McCoy could stop himself from screaming "WHAT? Chekov, what the hell kind of question is that?"

"Well, because I asked Keenser and he said---"

"Why would you ask Keenser?"

"He double-majored in Sex Ed and Engineering. Scotty said."

"Oh dear God, I don't know…the first one?"

"Do you speak from experience, Doctor?" Spock asked, bringing his chair even closer.

McCoy couldn't think of an answer as the class erupted in laughter.

"Oh and what experience he has…" Kirk purred as he licked his lips.

"JIM. SHUT IT BEFORE I TAPE IT SHUT."

"Oh baby, don't tease me…"

At this point, the majority of the class had been lost to giggle fits and pockets of murmuring. With Kirk's "come hither" eyes from the second row, Spock's intent gaze from just beyond his personal bubble, and Chekov's hand in the air to ask another question, McCoy lost it.

"GODDAMNIT, I DON'T CARE. I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A DAMNED SEX ED DUMMY. HAVE FUN WITH YOUR PIG HERPES YOU ASSHOLES. GO AHEAD AND LEARN FROM KEENSER FOR ALL I CARE; LORD KNOWS A SMALL, GREEN CABBAGE MAN COULD DO A BETTER JOB PLEASING YOU THAN I COULD."

Bones stormed out of the room, fuming from the ears. This didn't stop Jim from yelling,

"That's what she said!"