Written for beaniesheppard's birthday.
Spoilers: Only season 1 vague character info spoilers.
John lets her talk until the early hours of the morning. He lets her talk until she's run out of things to say and she falls asleep, head slumped, heavy on his chest.
This is because if she talks he doesn't have to and he finds she's strangely comfortable with that. He guesses it's because she listens all day; has to pay attention, ask questions, pry into details that maybe she doesn't really want to know. It's her job and he understands it, is glad of it. He's not sure they'd work together otherwise, because he doesn't like to let go of his emotions - of his denial and his mental blocks - the way she requires normally.
He doesn't tell her about his nightmares – or what they're made of – anymore, and she doesn't ask, she simply curls up closer to him trying to provide some small comfort. It could be because she knows no words will do, he won't accept pleasantries and reassurances. If you push memories deep down, one day they'll have to surface and he knows the bad ones will always rise up time after time, night after night, with only brief respite. It's the price for not forgetting and he can't bring himself to do that, won't forgive himself either in case maybe he starts to, with faces becoming fuzzier and names slipping past his mind's grasp. He feels he owes them all more than he owes himself a decent night's sleep. He at least gets to sleep, gets to feel the fear of waking up. They won't ever wake up again.
Sometimes he thinks that it's a punishment for failure, that out there in another universe there's a John Sheppard who isn't this screwed up because he succeeded. The thought haunts him on the nights where he's alone and uncharacteristically prone to pessimism. Other times, especially those when he feels Kate at his side, sees her smiling sweetly in her sleep, he wonders if it's just a trade off in life, good for bad or nothing at all. When she wakes up, he usually drops the question because at that point it seems like maybe it doesn't really matter because nothing is magically changed, this is what he has and who he is.