Tag to 6.22 'The man who knew too much'. Sam's wall's down. Dean tries to help. Spoilers for 'Faith', 'Lucifer Rising', 'Dark side of the moon' and 'Swan Song'. And kinda obvious... spoilers for "The man who knew too much". FLASHBACK
Just to make sure.
The Impala is a wreck. I don't even know whether I can rebuild it. Those damned demons. The engine is nothing but a bunch of thrash... It's s sad to see her in the front yard of Bobby's salvage. It sucks. I can't even explain how I feel... It reminds me of one of the most terrible moments of my life. THE accident. The...
Well... yeah. The Impala is a wreck again. I can't even stand to look at her and then there is my little brother. The one guy who has always made fun of me for referring to my car as a her. The guy who has always pretended to like other cars more... The guy who has always wanted to trade her in for a smaller car. The guy who has lost his soul, got it back and remembers hell... I should kill Cas.
And exactly this boy flees into the wrecked car every single night. Every time he wakes up, haunted by his memories of hell I find him in the car a few minutes later. Fast asleep.
Nothing is different tonight. And for the forth night in a row I walk over to the wreck, a blanket in one hand, a pillow in my other hand. And like the nights before, Sammy sleeps against the passenger door, his arms tight around his body. Raising my eyebrow I open the driver's door, scooting in, trying not to jostle him, gently covering him with the blanket.
"Hey kiddo... I didn't want to wake you up." I smile at him, when he blinks slowly. The last few nights I haven't woken him. I had managed to let him sleep in peace. I had been sitting with him the whole night, trying to fall asleep beside him.
"Dean, c'mon go inside... you need a good night's sleep every once in a while." Sam's voice are contradicted by his action when he lays one of his legs over my lap, getting more comfortable, searching silent reassurance.
"Yeah... right." My voice is soft. "Sammy... you ain't talking... You should talk about it... You can't sleep out here every night. You'll get ill. What is it your dreaming about?"
"You remembering the 'Demon of Fear' we've dealt with after... after our encounter with the faith healer?" I stare at him. That hadn't been exactly his most terrific time.
...
Flashback
"I got a new hunt for us." Dean tipped the newspaper he was looking at with his finger. "Maybe we should try to get back to business."
"You think you're up for it?" I asked him, receiving exactly the glare I was waiting for.
"Sam... thanks to you I've never been better." There was heat in his voice, I couldn't bear at the moment. I couldn't even understand it... Why was he mad at me for saving his life... I couldn't have possibly known that another human being would be harmed by doing so. Honestly I didn't even care. Well of course I wasn't happy about it... but I didn't care.. I'd kill for him, though the moment I realized that this guy had died, I knew that Dean would be mad.
"I'm not sorry." I hated that my voice was this weak. "Okay... what kind of hunt?"
"Couple of suicides a few towns from here... well the police thinks they are suicides. I don't think so." No further explanations... just like dad...
"And you think that's our kind of case?" I stand up to pack some stuff, just to avoid eye contact. I didn't want to go on a hunt with him right now. Not when the shock of the recent happening were still so vivid in my body. Seeing him dying... this heroic guy I looked up to my whole life, so utterly weak... battered...
"Sam, let's go." Dean walked through the door, without looking back, not answering my question. I watched him leave... a bad feeling in my stomach.
"Alright..." I took a hopefully calming breath, following my big brother.
...
Splitting up had never been a good idea... NEVER... NEVER... NEVER. And it won't ever be a good idea.
NEVER.
I walked down a dark, narrow street. Here all the murders had happened. Dean should be here by now... We planed to meet up in the middle. So why wasn't he here yet?
"Sam!" Suddenly I saw him. I let out a shuttering breath. "Did you find anything?" His voice his gruff.
"No." I answered, watching him approach me. He looked worse again. "Dean... are you okay?"
"You're annoying... Piss off." Dean turned around, the moment I heard a gunshot. Just a moment later Dean fell to the ground. The high pitched sound didn't sound like me and my body didn't work probably.
Dean...
He feels cold.
His skin cools down...
A hole in his head.
A hole in my heart?
It feels like.
Dean... wake up.
I must hurt him.
I shake him too hard.
DEAN...
I hurt his ears,... I scream too loud...
I'm way too close...
He's gonna be mad at me for smothering him like that.
Blood...
No...
"DEAN"
I scream.
"Dean."
I whisper into his ear...
...
"Sam!" I heard his voice and felt him shake me. "Sam... wake up or I swear to god I'm gonna beat you."
"SAM. NOW." Never disobey this voice. Immediately my eyes went open and I saw Dean right in front of me... I was still in the aisle. But this time a pretty healthy looking Dean was holding me upright.
"You're good?" Dean gripped my chin, turning my face. "I'm sorry, Sammy. We shouldn't have split up..."
"Dean..." I grope his head, parting his hair. He let me, without saying anything. "Is that real?"
"Yeah Sammy... I'm real... nothing's gonna happen." Dean promised, cupping my cheek in his hand, moving my head towards a dim lightened spot of the street, where some kind of burned ashes laid.
"The demon?" I asked, just to make sure.
"Yeah... the demon..." Dean turned my head back. "He let his victims see their biggest fears and let them live through it until they... couldn't do it anymore... So yeah... it's been suicides... kinda... Pretty wicked, huh?"
"How did you kill it?" I asked... just to make sure.
"Holy fire and an exorcism." Dean explained. "What did he make you see?" My big brother was still close enough to see the tears forming in my eyes. "Sammy?"
"You... dying." I let my head fall against my knee, feeling Dean's arm around my shoulder pulling me in, consoling me. I let my hand wander to his wrist to hold on... just to make sure.
End Flashback
...
My little brother suffers. I can see it, even in the dim light.
I don't want him to remember our encounter with the 'Demon of Fear'. I still remember holding him close in this cold aisle, trying to protect him. The moment he has told me what he's seen, I've forgiven him. It hasn't been his fault that the other guy had to die and even if it was... I'd kill anybody in a second to save his life.
"Sammy?" I try to rescue him from his own thoughts. "What's got this to do with your memories of hell?"
"It was just like that... but you weren't there to wake me up. I've seen my worst fears come true. Sometimes I just remembered things which have already happened, like the voicemail... you throwing away the amulet... you dying over and over a-again." Sam choked.
"Sammy." I scoot closer. "Look at me." When he does, I see plain torment in his eyes. "I regret throwing away the amulet." I regret giving up on us back then. "You know that right?" Sam nods, giving me that much.
"And I'm sorry for leaving you alone." I continue. "And I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time... but we're good now."
"I know we are... and you don't have to be sorry Dean." I raise my eyebrows, but I let him say what he had to say. He let his head fall. "For a guy who claims to be that tough, you're pretty forgiving when it comes to us, Dean." For the first time in weeks I see him smile and I don't have the heart to make a comment. I just look at him encouraging before making a face. "I'm kinda still waiting for you to just leave me behind... I'm just a burden." My heart aches but I let him explain his fears. "Sometimes I think that you should still hate me for the thing with Ruby... Everything I did... everything I've done... you're an awesome... I..."
"Yeah... I know... I'm so cool." I pat his knee, fighting against the nauseous feeling.
"Dean..." Sam looks tired, scared, skinny and... old... This hit me hard. My little brother looks old... how had that happened. This boy... this smart, little babyface looks old. This dimpled freak... my little brother looks old.
Well not old like a wrinkled old man, but wasted.
"Sam... I'm done fighting about the same old shit. We're both alive... we've went through all this crap together... and honestly... I don't want to punish me for the shit you've done..." I shove him lightly. "...though I kinda still owe you a beatdown." I tell him gently.
"Don't hold back." Sam snarls.
"Sam... stop giving me such a hard time. I'm trying to help you." I poke my finger at him. "Sammy... we fought... we made up and we went on... just like we do." Puppy dog's eyes are focusing on me. "Sam... you've made up for everything... and I've never hated you."
"Yeah... calling me a vampire and a freak is a true prove of affection." Sam bits his lip, frowning.
"What the... I called you a lot of things... but never a vampire." I get a gentle hold of his chin, making him look at me.
"The voicemail." Sam's eyes are sad again.
"Sam... for the second time that night I wonder which voicemail you're talking about... I thought it was concerning anybody else... Jess for example."
"No... the night I let Lucifer out of the cage... that voicemail..." Sam looks like I was just trying to mock him.
"You received the message and still went to the convent?" I can't help but feeling a little hurt.
"No because of it." Sam sounds like he is about to cry and in an instant I'm concerned again. "Damn it... I had doubts... I wanted to return to you... but after your message... I was desperate... You've always been the only one I could always count on... I could always... no matter what return to... and you told me... You've wanted to see me dead. Dean after that voicemail... I've just wanted to end the apocalypse and crawl back to you afterwards... I... So you could have killed the monster I've become or forgive me..."
"WHAT VOICEMAIL?" I'm honestly about to dash around. "I've apologized back then... I tried to make up... I promised you a beatdown and I told you that I shouldn't have said what I said... Sammy."
"Argh!" Sam cries out hitting his palm against his forehead. He looks like he is falling apart. I watch him sadly, before I pull him in a hug, like a couple of years ago. "I hate her Dean."
I don't need any explanation. Seeing her face in that other universe has made me want to puke my guts out. "I know Sam." I nod, looking at the stars through the Impala's window. Maybe I can rescue the car... It doesn't look that bad, sitting in the interior. "Me too."
"Sammy I'm sorry... you should have never had a reason to think that this could have been me talking." I pat his hair. "But Sam... Just remember every time the memories of hell come back... I'm here... I'm not gonna leave you. Never again. We're gonna make it. I'll even join you in my precious car every night." I promise.
"You know what memory also came back?" Sam asks me, sounding pleased this time.
"Hit me..." I prod, feeling him wince.
"Uhm... yeah." Sam looks at me with sad eyes. I tilt my head. "Yeah... exactly that memory... me hitting you... beating you up... well Lucifer doing so."
"Oh... yeah thanks for sounding so pleased about it." I try to sound light-hearted. Sometimes he makes it hard for me.
Sam shakes his head against my shoulder. "No... I remember why I've stopped. I saw the Impala." He stares at me. "The little toy solider in the back of the Impala...I remembered how much you did for me my whole life... how many times you've saved me... I remembered how much you put up with and how much you lo-... I just wanted to return the favor and save you for once." He huffs. "She's given me the strength..."
That's why he returns to her every night... Yeah... I think I'll achieve to rebuild her.
"That's why you jumped?" I ask, feeling him nod. "Alright... you're a heroic bitch."
He chuckles.
"Ouch..." He winces when I smack him upside his head. Little sissy. I'm holding back by all means, not wanting to mess with his head. "What the...?"
"Don't ever say you're a burden. Ever again." I touch my forehead against his, proving my point, without saying it out loud.
"Yeah... I'm pretty cool too..." Sam blushes. I can't see it... but I know it.
"Well... not as cool as me... but you've learnt from the best." I mock him, surprised when he honestly nodded, huddling closer.
I smile. He's alive... and we can deal with his bad memories, like we've dealt with everything. He's not going to fall apart on my watch. I'm gonna make sure of that. I'm gonna hold him together.
I pull him closer... just to make sure.
The End...
But nothing ever really ends... does it?