I wonder as I wander.
My mind couldn't tear myself away, even though I sat there, staring at the white screen, my fingers moving on their own as if there was something compelling me, I still couldn't clear all of those thoughts that I was having. Every now and then I stopped, listening to the soft breathing as it echoed about me before continuing, my fingers flying across the keys though desperately trying not to make a sound. Once more I shivered, more out of instinct than anything, it was all too much, everything was starting to over power me and I couldn't help but wonder if I was really dreaming after all. This wasn't happening right? I had just confused dreams with reality once more and I will wake up in a moment and feel that disappointment sweep through me once more. Seriously I knew I was losing it, but I had to decide which life was better: fantasy or the sad reality that I lived in and was forcing myself to suffer with.
A slight shifting noise caught my ears and I smiled slightly to myself, there was no way around it, I knew that this wasn't a farce and I wasn't alone, once more my ears catching the soft sound of her breathing, my fingers stopping for a moment as I looked back, her face aglow with a light that made her out to be an angel. My angel to be honest, for heaven (or hell for that matter) only knows where I would have been if she hadn't just arrived in my life. I don't understand it at all, for once in my life things have seemed to kind of changed for me and rather than embrace these changes, I am questioning them. Perhaps I wasn't ready for them all, but there was no time to dwell on those things, she was here, with me and I was trying not to lose my control that I had on the situation and say or do anything to mess things up. I had a tendency to do such things and I didn't want to drag her into my messy tendencies.
I was in love after all.
Smiling slightly to myself, I returned my attention to the white screen, my fingers still tapping away almost soundlessly; I was starting to drift off. It was only natural, life was over bearing and I was losing my patience, partially why I was glad that she was there. She had always been my solid ground, even though she was just as rocky and I couldn't ever let her slip through my fingers, she was all I had going on for me. Rubbing at my eyes, I forced myself to keep going, to not tear myself away from what I was doing, but it was hard, I just couldn't control the heavy lids that were slowly starting to close and I knew that I would be giving into that weariness that was seeping into every muscle, but there was no way that I would wake her up to crawl into my own bed. She looked perfect in it and there was just no way I would ruin this moment. It was bliss in a sense just to have her in this very room. I wasn't going to spoil it.
Once more my eyes focused in on the sheer blindness of the screen and I tuned out all sounds as I tried to work through the words that had appeared in front of my eyes, my aching body wanting sleep, my intrigued mind not allowing it, and that pain was seeping everywhere, spreading into every muscle possible. Groaning softly, I reached over to rub my shoulder, blinking slightly as my fingers brushed over others, a small smile worming onto my face as those fingers pressed into the sore muscles on both shoulders. I moaned under my breath, unable to hide the pleasure that was seeping slowly into the pained area and I stopped my writing, closing my eyes and sinking into the presence of those hands, my body shivering at their touch, very much against my will. "That feels nice," I muttered softly, not expecting a reply, only wanting it to continue. This was the only person that understood me, and now she was there when I was in pain.
This really was love.
Fingers continued to dig into my shoulders and my body flushed, there was something about that very contact that made me want something more, and well, this was the first time in a long time that I even was able to feel for another person. Reaching back once more, I placed my hand on hers and I tried to squeeze them, my heart pounding in my chest. "Stop," I hissed softly, unable to stop myself from saying anything and I risked a look back at her, my heart stopping as I saw her there, that forlorn look crossing her eyes and that made my heart break in two. "I didn't mean it like that," I added on quickly, even though I didn't know how to fix the way that I was feeling. I wanted nothing more than to grab her and crawl into bed with her, but if that happened, where would I stop? I don't think that I would be able to, and that thought was causing me to pant heavily as that electricity shot through my body, another moan ripping through my mouth.
"You know I love you," I said, forcing the words out, seeing that I was being occupied by one too many things at the moment, those motions continuing once more and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I didn't want to stop them. All I could do there was sit and just imagine those hands elsewhere, a downfall and I knew it, but I couldn't stop it and as those fingers slowly moved into my hair, I couldn't stop myself from looking back at her, smiling slightly before hooking my finger in the strap of her shirt and pulling her down, my mouth enveloping hers hungrily. Those fingers in my hair tightened and I couldn't help but wince, but that was alright, she was doing it out of joy, we were finally getting something that we had both been denied for so long. I moaned against those lips and allowed my tongue to slip out, dancing over hers in a tempting manner and my body turned, arms wrapping completely around her as I pulled her closer.
Into me, becoming not two separate beings but one.