Pointless humor abounds!
One warm day in Iselia Village, Lloyd discovered he could kick himself in the head. It was a difficult undertaking, but he found out that because of his young age and lack of balls in any capacity, he was flexible.
So he stood beside the river, repeatedly kicking himself in the head.
"Um…Lloyd?" It was Colette. She'd seen Lloyd abusing himself from the path and had come to investigate.
"Oh—kick—hi—kick—Colette," he greeted her in that happy way of his. He stopped kicking himself in the head for a moment. "You're looking incredibly sexy as usual!"
Everybody within eight miles had to stop and gag.
Suddenly, there was a commotion from the path. It seemed to be coming from a holier-than-thou Ninja, and an over-sexed redhead in a pink waistcoat. The latter was chasing the former through the daisies, attempting to grab her ass.
"Oh my fucking God," Sheena yelled, "Lloyd, save me!"
She sped over to Lloyd, who is everyone's night in shining armor that needs a good cleaning. But instead of rescuing her from the horny psychopath on her tail, he kicked her in the head.
"Ooh, hardcore! I can kick other people in the head too!"
"What the hell?" Sheena said, rubbing her face.
Zelos took this opportunity to grab Sheena's ass, but he missed and grabbed Colette's instead.
"Eeek!" she shrieked. "Rape!"
"Bastard!" Lloyd kicked Zelos in the head with unusual ferocity.
"Ouch, not the face!"
"I didn't kick you in the face…"
"No, he didn't." Raine had emerged from the woods. "He kicked you in the cerebral cortex. You may have a bit of short term memory loss."
Zelos suddenly stared wildly around in confusion. "Whoa, how did I get here?"
"Hello, professor!" Lloyd called cheerily. "Would you like me to kick you in the head too?"
"That's alright Lloyd, I'm kind of busy at the moment…"
At that moment, Kratos emerged from the forest as well. "God dammit, Raine, darling, where did you go? I finally got myself untied and…" His eyes fell on the children. "Oh, hi everyone…Tic-tac?" He held out a box.
Everyone stormed him and grabbed the tic-tacs. I mean, who could blame them? They were spear-mint, for chrissake!
"Oh, hey dad!" Lloyd called, his brain (which had never been a spring of eternal wisdom) was a little slow from all the kicking. "Are you cheating on Yuan again?"
"What?" Yuan suddenly appeared in that annoying way he always did. "How could you use me like that, Kratos?"
Kratos turned away. "I just don't love you anymore. You always burn the toast."
Yuan stamped his feet. "Oh yeah, well…you always use up all the shampoo and you use stupid metaphors that make no sense and make everyone want to kick you in the head!"
"Ooh, I'll do it!" Lloyd shouted, running over and kicking Kratos in the head.
"Shit!" Kratos yelled. "Son, you suck all the way to California!"
"What's California?" Colette inquired.
Kratos shrugged. "I don't know, it just sounded clever in my head."
"I don't think you can trust your head right now, sweetie," Raine said, "You were just violently kicked by your egotistical son with a hero complex."
"Hey, I think that was an insult!" Lloyd yelled, kicking Raine in the head as well.
"Urk," Zelos said. He was still standing there with a bemused expression. "I feel like an amputated leg."
"Yeah, well, my face hurts," retorted Raine.
"I am worth so much more than your face!"
Raine beat Zelos to the ground and threw him into the river. He sunk to the bottom and made friends with all the little fishies and turtles and sharks and dolphins and everything else that should not be in a river.
"Yay, he's gone!" Sheena shouted enthusiastically. "Thanks, Raine."
"No problem."
"Fo rizzle," Lloyd said.
"Are you on crack?" Sheena asked.
"Yes I am, dog."
Raine beat him to the ground as well, but he countered and kicked her in the head again.
"God dammit to hell!" she yelled, "This sudden bought of sadism is kind of irksome!"
"What does irksome mean?"
"Go look it up."
"Okay!" Lloyd yelled, running into his house, kicking his dwarf dad in the head, and grabbing the dictionary. When he got back outside, though, he realized he had not grabbed the dictionary, but the Compendium of Dwarven Vows 1 through 324,576, 987.
"Oooh, excellent," he said, opening it. "Dwarven Vow number 34,000. He who lets the stork eat his face will be a hamster on Tuesday."
"What?" Raine asked, still rubbing her head.
"I dunno. It doesn't even sound like a vow…Let's try another one." He cleared his throat. "Dwarven Vow number 324: Remember, those who grow long beards will have the back of their head smashed in."
"Say what?"
Lloyd shook his head. "Now I'm really confused. Dwarven Vow number 32: The man who shoots his horse will not live to see the beetle dog-paddle."
"Give me that," Yuan snapped, jerking the book out of Lloyd's hand. Examining it closely, he discovered that it was not a book of Dwarven Vows, but was in fact a carefully disguised anthology of all the stupid things Kratos had ever said. "See!" Yuan cried triumphantly. "Kratos really does make moronic metaphors."
"Moronic Metaphors," Sheena repeated. "That sounds like a band name."
"Alrighty then…" Raine said. "Well, I think I will leave before Lloyd kicks me in the head again."
Everyone began to disperse, except for Kratos, who was still standing by the river.
"There is no future for the man who ties a stiff cat to a tree and ice skates through the desert," he muttered to himself.
The End