Killian was a man to be feared.
He had faced down devils and demons.
He'd gone toe to toe with Cora and lived to tell the tale.
The Evil Queen could not kill him and he'd survived even Pan's attacks.
But he was almost certain he was going to die thanks to his newest opponent.
Or at least it felt like it.
"Ow, ow, ow," Killian hissed, trying to keep his voice low even as tears welled up in his eyes at the pain. "Little love, this is not getting on my good side."
The baby in question didn't reply, still snoozing happily, fingers clutching tightly at the hair on Killian's chest, each movement tugging harder and bringing more tears to his eyes.
It was nearly impossible to unwind Neal's fingers when he himself only had one hand, but slowly he managed to get the infant's fingers to release him.
"Oh thank god," Killian murmured in relief, shifting the baby higher on his shoulder and rubbing the tender spot.
His relief was short lived when Neal yawned and snuggled into him, hands grabbing and clutching him close sending yet another pain through his chest.
"Bugger."
He wasn't even supposed to be babysitting, Killian thought with disgust as he tried to figure out how to change a diaper let alone do it one handed.
Weren't these things supposed to be cloth and pins?
No, they were plastic with stupid little tabs and smiling cartoons.
It wasn't his job to babysit.
Not something he ever did.
It was all Charming's fault, the idiot.
He just had to go and promise Snow a day off, promise he could take care of everything and keep their three month old safe so she could have some 'me time'.
Though if he went that route he could blame Red and Belle for dragging her off.
But of course something had come up and Charming had had to leave Neal in Emma's custody while he settled something.
Killian hadn't been too keen on the details when he received a call telling him to come visit, that Emma was bored on her own while the baby was napping.
"Hold still," Killian warned Neal when the baby squirmed unhappily on the changing pad, "I'm not good at this as it is."
Neal whined around his pacifier, a tiny noise that made Killian feel bad for even halfheartedly warning him.
They'd barely hit second base on the couch in Snow and Charming's apartment when her phone had went off loudly, drawing her into some work dispute.
It wasn't his fault! He'd been mentally compromised at the time.
He shouldn't be held accountable for decisions made when his blood was elsewhere than his brain.
But still he'd agreed to keep watch over the little royal until Emma could return.
That was nearly two hours ago.
Two hours, one screaming baby and several injuries to his pride ago.
With a growl of annoyance Killian detached his hook, setting it aside and resting his left forearm over Neal's belly to hold him in place as he tried to figure out the tabs.
"How the bloody hell do they do this?" He asked rhetorically, pulling the little sticky tabs away from the front.
Neal offered no answer to the question beyond an impatient leg kick.
"Apologies, Prince Neal," Killian cautiously pulled the diaper away, uttering a prayer of thanks that it was merely wet, "I'm clearly not up to the royal standard."
He looked away, grabbing the other diaper to try and unfold it with one hand, "How...?"
Killian frowned, struggling to open the damn thing. Why would they make him babysit?
Emma owed him for this.
The happy burble from Neal complete with his happy little arm wave should have served as a warning.
A smiling Charming child was almost never a good sign when it came to him.
At least not that smile.
Still he was unprepared for the stream of liquid that hit him out of nowhere accompanied by a happy noise and another leg kick.
"Augh!" Killian jerked backwards out of the line of fire, covering Neal with the semi opened diaper he'd grabbed.
"That's not funny," He told Neal firmly, wiping his chest with his sleeve.
Neal clearly disagreed if the flailing and coos were anything to go by.
"Yelling isn't going to help anything," Killian spoke loudly to be heard over the wailing from Neal that refused to be quieted.
No matter what he said the baby was a little ball of fury, bright red, fists flailing in his bouncy chair.
The little royal refused to be denied his bottle, even if it was only for a few minutes as Killian fought to try and figure out exactly how to heat up the bottle.
He'd seen Emma do it before, he knew the buttons to press.
It was getting the top of it off and on again that threw him off.
He couldn't grip it like Emma did, hold it and twist the top.
Trying to hold it steady with his forearm while he undid the top had resulted in it sloshing down his front.
Hopefully he'd be satisfied with an ounce less than normal, otherwise he'd have to repeat this process with the only other bottle in the fridge.
The screaming was beginning to make his head ache.
Killian refused to admit defeat to an infant.
He may have lost some pride and gained some red marks from tiny fingers.
He may have lost his favorite shirt and possibly ruined his best waistcoat thanks to a little boy with particularly good aim – leaving him with the choice to either sit in stinking now ruined clothing or borrow a shirt from Charming.
But he would not lose because of a crying baby in need of a bottle.
"Right, next..." He finally got the bottle lid on tight and covered the tip of the nipple with his finger to shake the bottle like Emma had.
Next to that was actually holding him.
Well hell.
Killian winced. He had issues holding Neal cradled in his arms normally, let alone when the baby was a squirming bundle of rage.
"Oh, she owes me for this. You hear that?" Killian sat the bottle down on the coffee table, ducking down on one knee to try and get Neal out of the chair, "Your sister owes me big time. And your Papa," He added, wincing as he tried his damnedest to keep the baby level, balanced on his bad arm, "And your Mummy."
Killian found himself vowing even Neal's great-grandparents owed him when while burping the baby he found the shoulder of his borrowed shirt covered in regurgitated breast milk.
He winced and suffered through it, trying hard to ignore the warmth seeping into his shirt.
Neal was quiet for the first time in over an hour and was snuggling into his neck sleepily.
He wasn't going to dare move.
"Your child will be the death of me." Killian said bluntly, startling Snow when she entered the loft.
"I don't doubt it," Snow replied, hanging her jacket up. "Which one are we talking about?"
"Both of them." Killian crossed his arms, sulking in yet another borrowed shirt.
"What'd Emma do?" Snow peered into the bassinet, smiling at her now angelic looking baby boy.
"Left me to babysit."
Snow quirked an eyebrow, "Why?"
"Charming left her. She left me." Killian rubbed his chest where he was still sore from tiny fingers.
"Ah. What did Neal do?"
"What didn't he do?" Killian scowled, "You three owe me a new waistcoat."