Author Note...Happy birthday Trip's Mum!!! We hope you enjoy the creative wrapping paper. Sorry about the tardiness of the present but what with living at opposite ends of the country, that is to be expected. Trip and Jayne.

CHAPTER ONE: THE ZOO

"I still think this is a very bad idea Albus," Minerva hissed as they left the bus.

"Minerva," Albus consoled the professor, "All we're doing is taking the seventh years for a day at a muggle Zoo, what is the worst that could happen?"

"I don't know," Minerva said, "But mark my words, it will happen."

"Goyle, Granger, Greengrass, Hopkins," Professor Jarvis called from her roll, "Hitch that skirt up Mrs Jarvis, show your husband some leg!"

Jayne obliged instantly.

"Mr Jarvis get your hands off my daughter!" Professor Kitteridge yelled.

"Still haven't come to terms with their marriage I see," A voice behind Professor Kitteridge said.

Professor Kitteridge spun around and saw Acacia Brown and Alice Longbottom standing side by side and snickering.

"What are you two doing here?" Ariadne demanded.

"Our bosses found out that Hogwarts was having a field trip and we were sent post haste to make sure no one gets hurt too much." Alice explained grinning.

"Hi Lavender," Acacia called out to her mortified daughter, "Mummy's here for your field trip, and I've brought Aunty Alice too!"

"Mum!" Lavender screamed, "Why do you have to be so embarrassing?"

"Well why do you have to be so boring?" Acacia replied.

Jayne looked seductively at the head zoo keeper, "Do you think I could have a ride on a giraffe?" she asked sweetly as her mother looked on proudly and her husband snickered.

"No love, you can't," The zoo keeper said, obviously un-phased by her seduction.

Realising the man's sexuality, Jayne snapped her fingers. Michael Corner rounded a corner and walked up to the zoo keeper, smiled at him warmly, took him by the hand and led him to a nearby supply cupboard.

"I demand that you let me ride a tiger!" Pansy screamed at a quaking junior zoo keeper.

"But we can't let you ride any of the animals," The poor boy squeaked.

Pansy continued to glare at the boy as a giraffe strolled past behind him, Jayne Jarvis seated on it's back.

"Trip darling," she called to a Ravenclaw boy who was following her on a llama, "you must buy me one of these!"

"Yes darling," The boy replied.

Pansy snapped her fingers and Theodore Nott walked up to the zoo keeper, waggled an eyebrow, took him by the hand and led him to a nearby supply cupboard.

"They've been married less than a fortnight and my son is already well whipped," Professor Jarvis said, from her seat on one of the conveniently placed benches, she turned to the woman sitting next to her, "good job raising that one, Ariadne."

"Thank you Lady Jarvis," Ari said.

Tonks scoffed, "Jayne's had Trip whipped since they first met."

"This is absolutely ridiculous," Draco fumed, "Why are we at a muggle Zoo anyway?"

"It's a muggle studies project," Blaise Zabini said, wholly uninterested in Draco's opinion.

"Why do we have to go on a fucking muggle studies field trip?" Draco yelled.

"Because there's only one seventh year student that does muggle studies, and there's no point in only taking one student on a field trip." Tracey suggested.

"Who the fuck does seventh year muggle studies?" Draco asked in disbelief.

"Ernie McMillain," Blaise said.

"Oh that poof!" Draco yelled, "he would take fucking muggle studies." Suddenly in a flash of beige Draco was knocked to the ground. "What the fuck was that?"

"I believe it was Michael Corner riding an enlarged meerkat." Blaise said, walking away from Draco, bitch-draco and the drones.

"Morag!" Jayne shouted, riding up to the elephant enclosure, "I just gave Miss Bingley a makeover, what do you think?" She gestured to the giraffe's face, which was covered in cheap make up.

"Oh that's lovely," Morag said, enthusiastically, "how do you think I did on Mr Collins here?" She gestured to the elephant she was sitting on.

"Fantastic!" Jayne said.

"I found the rhinos!" Mandy screamed, as she hurtled past, clinging to the horn of a rhinoceros, which was at the head of a small stampede.

"What do you mean I can't ride a fucking lion?" Harry Potter screamed at a senior zoo keeper, "Do you know who I fucking well am? I'm Harry fucking Potter!"

"I don't care if you're the Queen of fucking England,"The zoo keeper yelled, "You can't ride the bloody animals."

Harry and Ron snapped their fingers and Neville Longbottom walked up to the senior zoo keeper, smiled sweetly and promptly head butted him, knocking the man unconscious. Harry and Ron opened the cage while Neville stood there, trying to look innocent, but really, he had the same evil streak as his mother. Meanwhile Padma, Terry and Anthony rode past a Bengal tiger, a slightly enlarged cheetah and a dromedary respectively.

"Albus," Minerva hissed, "the Ravenclaws are acting entirely inappropriately. They are risking the exposure of the world and by Merlin, it's Harry Potter riding a lion!"

"And Mr Weasley looking quite at home atop that lioness," Dumbledore smiled.

"My lion's a girl?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Honestly Ronald," Hermione started, riding a significantly enlarged otter. "don't you know anything?"

"What was that about the Ravenclaws?" Dumbledore asked as several Slytherins sauntered past on greatly enlarged komodo dragons. "And it would appear that the Slytherins have visited the reptile house."

"Ostrich!" Lisa Turpin yelled riding past on an ostrich.

"Warthog!" Su Li screamed, following on a warthog.

"Chameleon!" Kevin cried.

"Platypus!" Paul added, "nature's T student!"

"Who were they?" McGonagall asked.

"Misses Turpin and Li I believe," the headmaster smiled whilst eyeing up a mountain goat. "With Messers Entwhistle and Runcorn if I'm not mistaken."

"To war!" Trip screamed.

All the teachers spun around and stared in shock at the Slytherins, Ravenclaws and Gryffindors who were all mounted on various animals. The Hufflepuffs were acting as cheerleaders.

"And Mandy Brocklehust atop her rhino Lady Catherine DeBourgh quickly takes out Tracey Davis!" shouted Acacia who with the other Scarlet Whores (sans Andromeda) was commentating the event.

"Slytherin makes to attack Gryffindor, but Ravenclaw attacks both from the side, hexes are flying everywhere." Alice added.

"Pansy Parkinson has been killed," Tonks yelled, "No wait, she's back, she really does have more horcruxes than Voldemort."

"Son of a bitch!" Jayne screamed.

"Jayne!" Ari yelled, "Language, we are, after all, setting an example for the school!"

"Well Albus," Electra said to Albus after the animals had been returned, the zoo keepers successfully obliviated and the students had been piled back into the bus, "an overall successful day. Ernie gets an O on his assignment, everyone had a rippingly splendid time, and Theo and Michael both got laid."

"Brilliant," Albus said, "Wouldn't you agree Minerva?"

Minerva simply scowled.

Professor Kitteridge turned to her daughter, "Well your step father will be kicking himself for refusing to come when he hears about this."