(( DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket or whatever I have parodied in this story. ))
-Akito and the Three Bears-
Once upon a time, in a small house in the middle of a magical forest, there lived a very lovely girl named Goldilocks.
"What the hell are you talking about? There is nothing special about this house! It's all filthy and mucky! And what's so magical about this forest? Every night when I try to go to sleep on my moth-eaten sofa, the damn crickets keep me awake with their chirping! Every night they chirp a perfect Mozart symphony! It drives me mad! And my name isn't Goldilocks! It's Akito!"
Okay, whatever. Anyway, Goldilocks was getting rather bored with everything being so boring.
"My name is Akito!"
So today, Goldilocks decided to go for a little stroll in the woods.
"No, I didn't! .....Ah screw it, I'm going outside!"
Akito left the house. Moments later, right after she shut the door, the entire house collapsed.
"And I haven't made that last house payment yet. Oh, why? Why did this cruel world choose today to force me into the life of a hobo?"
Akito went deep into the woods to look for her favorite berry tree.
(And yes, I know berries don't grow on trees, but this is the magical world of fan-fiction.)
"Now where is that damn strawberry tree? I know I had it planted right next to the raspberry tree, but not before I planted the blackberry tree five miles away from it."
Akito looked to her right and saw a tree full of blackberries.
"Oh, there are the blackberries. All I have to do is walk five miles to the strawberry-- Wait?! Walk?! What happened to my tricycle? Oh, yeah, the house fell on it."
Despite her lack of a tricycle, Akito decided to walk five painstaking miles to the strawberry tree. After what seemed like hours, Akito bumped into a tree. Before she looked up, a raspberry fell onto Akito's head.
"...Raspberry."
Akito looked up and saw her raspberries.
"Now, where's the other tree?"
She looked around and saw the strawberry tree, but there was only one strawberry in it.
"WHAT?! What happened to my strawberries? Why are they gone?" she asked, looking at the one strawberry.
"Well, everyone reading this damn fan-fiction knows that I can't live without strawberries. I have to climb up there and get it."
Akito started to climb the tree. "I'm coming, little darling!"
She reached for the strawberry and then fell out of the tree.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OUCH!"
Cursing, Akito slowly stood up, rubbing her aching back.
"Damn. Now I know why the other strawberries are gone. That last one is full of bad juju."
Akito started to back up and then bumped into a sign.
"Huh?" She looked at the sign.
Sign: Welcome to the cutest little woodland cottage in all of woodland-cottage-ness!
"What the hell?" She continued reading the sign.
Sign: Visitors welcome. Trespassers not welcome. Strawberry-crazed hobos especially not welcome.
Akito looked past the sign and saw a small house. "Are my eyes playing tricks on me or was that house here the whole time? 'Strawberry-crazed hobos especially not welcome?' Good thing I'm not a strawberry-crazed hobo."
Akito suddenly caught the scent of something delicious. Her mouth started to water.
"Straw... Straw... Strawberry pie!"
She froze. "That's it! Those cottage idiots stole my strawberries! That means I was wrong about the juju!"
Akito rushed back over to the strawberry tree. "I'm coming again, little darling!"
Then Akito fell out of the tree again.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OUCH!"
She stood up and rubbed her aching head.
"Ohh... I'm so hungry and I need a good nap..." She looked back at the cottage.
"Well, they have strawberry pie, and probably some nice beds. I think I'll just go in there and help myself."
Akito walked up to the front door and twisted the doorknob.
"It's locked? What do forest inhabitants know about locks? Heck, what do they even know about friendly signs?"
Akito reached into her pocket and pulled out a hairpin.
"Stupid world of fan-fiction. Giving me this freakin hairpin and entitling me as a little girl with curly golden hair... Oh well, at least I can open this door, so I shouldn't complain....much."
Akito turned back to look at the doorknob but saw no keyhole.
"Shit. Don't locks usually have keyholes?" She thought for a moment.
"Maybe it opens with a riddle. Ahem... Excuse me, door? Give me the riddle so I can pass."
(Awkward silence)
"Stupid door."
The door opened.
"Oh, so it's a password door. That seemed a little too easy."
Akito entered the house and smelled sweet strawberry pie. "Guhuhh... Gufumusupurutukipie..." she muttered happily.
Suddenly, the door slammed behind her, making her jump.
"GAAAAAAAAAAH! I hate that door! Oh, I hope nobody's home..." She looked just ahead and saw a cute little wooden table. There were three pies on top of it.
"Strawberry pie!" Akito practically shouted. She quickly ran over to the table and scarfed down the largest of the three pies, belching loudly as she finished. "Oh, yes! So good!"
She then set to work on wolfing down the second-largest pie. "I should definitely let whoever lives here steal my strawberries more often!" she exclaimed.
Akito quickly realized that she was full before she decided to reach for the smallest pie. She saw a comfy-looking chair and a very large television on the other end of the room.
"This place has more conveniences than Sohma House!" Akito practically flew over to the chair and sat down. She grabbed the remote and turned on the television. "This is the life..."
A few minutes later, Akito heard some noises at the front door.
"Oh, no! Not now! Not while Johnny Bravo is on!" She jumped up, accidentally hitting the channel-up button on the remote.
"Are you in a dangerous predicament right now? Trying to hide from someone inside their own house? Do you live in a magical forest? Are you a strawberry-crazed hobo named Akito? Well, we have got the perfect solution for you! Just call--"
Akito turned off the TV.
"Who do they make these advertisements for, anyway?" she wondered.
"Stupid door," said a voice outside.
Akito heard the voice and gulped nervously. "Uh-oh..."