Once upon a time, in a land called Amestris, there was an extraordinarily small alchemist named Edward Elric. He had lost his arm, leg, and his little brother's body in an accident involving Human Transmutation. He decided that the Philosopher's Stone would be the best way to accomplish this, and to find it he joined the military. This led to him working for Roy Mustang, another alchemist and, in Edward's opinion, the biggest asshole ever to exist.
Every time he'd finish a mission, he'd have to report in. And every time he reported in, Roy made fun of his height.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my office? Oh, I'm sorry, Fullmetal. I mistook you for a gnome."
"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT HE'S A PRIME EXAMPLE OF FAIRY FOLK?"
"Excuse me, Fullmetal, but I'm not close enough to the ground to hear you."
"WHO'S SO IMPOSSIBLY TINY HE'D HAVE TO SHOUT IF HE WANTED TO TALK TO AN ANT?"
And so on. Edward had an extra motivation to find the Philosopher's Stone: his poor abused vocal chords.
Then, one day, Edward glumly walked into Roy Mustang's office. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was all spoiled by the Flaming Alchemist.
"Hello, sir," said the boy, making sure to put extra venom into the last word. "I've got my report on my mission to Aureolus-"
"What took you so long?" said Roy with, oh yes, it was that goddamned smirk. Edward had come to know that meant he was either preparing an insult or about to tell him that he already knew what Edward was about to tell him. "Did you get lost between the blades of grass there?"
Edward opened his mouth to start one of his famous rants, but stopped. There was something… different about the older man's tone. Something… enticing.
It was at that moment that Edward realized that every time Roy commented on his stature, what he really meant was "I want your tight, aha, little arse." And, what's more, Edward found that he was strangely… attracted to the colonel. Perhaps it was his dark eyes, perhaps there i was /i something sexy about that smirk…
"What's the problem, Fullmetal? i Short /i on words?"
"Stop hitting on me, you bastard."
"Ah." Roy's smirk widened. "Does that mean we have a date? We'll have to get a small table indeed, then."
"Just… shut up."
And they lived happily ever after. Well, at least until Edward got fed up with the insults and strangled Roy in his sleep.