AT THE CHUM BUCKET:
"So, are you getting ready to tell the public what they need to hear Sheldon?" asked Karen.
"It's no use really," said Plankton. "People only hear what they want to hear, which can be quite useful. I should know!" he added.
"Oh come on, I'm sure you'll be able to convince a few people. These demographics here show that almost half the audience roots for ya" said Karen, showing some charts and graphs on her screen. Plankton sighed, then turned his face towards the camera.
"Alright, Karen, my dear wife, if you insist. I wasn't always the tortured shell of a protozoa that rives in pain before you today. I was a vibrant carefree happy go lucky single cell organism. Then came the day that my former college roommate Krabs started a burger business! And from that day onwards, things went really really south!" said Plankton.
"Is that all ya gonna say hun?" asked Karen.
"I'm not done yet, no interruptions please. Ahem, the point is, Krabs is nothing more than a big fat corporate conglomerate gloating off of his ability to rip people off for what would ordinarily be cheap tasteless garbage. Trust me, I'm the only one unaffected by those crabby patties, that's why I want to find out the truth! But somehow, that makes ME the bad guy, even though Krabs is the devil himself! I swear!" yelled Plankton, slamming his fist against the table. He continued. "The truth of the matter, as far as I can spy with my wittle eye, is that Krabs has some sort of hypnotic hold over the overpopulated populace with those patties!" Karen jotted down notes.
"Hypnotic hold? This is really interesting!" said Karen jotting down more and more notes.
"Where was I? Oh yeah, well, as it turns out, everyone who eats crabby patties feels really good and happy you know. But just why is this? They pay big money to eat at the Krusty Krab, way more than they should. Why would they keep coming back for more of that slop? It's pure consumerism and these people are CRAZY! In these tough times, you'd think they would turn to me, my food is cheaper, and at least it isn't made from my own species!" said Plankton in an angry tone. Karen shrieked.
"You mean Krabby patties are made out of crab meat?" asked Karen.
"It's pure speculation, but a good theory nonetheless. I spent my teen years reading Soylent Green, I should know about foolish consumerism and its diabolical hold. What is he so worried about? I mean sure all companies need to keep their secret formulas safe, but Krabs goes a bit overboard with it. He's Coca-Cola, I'm Pepsi? No, no, it's more complex than that, foolish mortals. The entire town gets evacuated every time a customer doesn't get his cheese. There are armed guards everywhere in front of the safe. Alerts go off if even a word is mentioned about the secret formula. Hell, the entire Bikini Bottom body of city government is in league with that restaurant!" said Plankton.
"Aww, maybe you're just paranoid. I don't think it's really that bad! Maybe you should get some help for yourself" said Karen.
"You're really making me angry Karen. I don't know how to put this to you, but you're WRONG!" said Plankton snarling.
"I think you need a backrub" said Karen.
"NOT NOW! Sorry angel, I'm just worked up. So Krabs puts this secret formula, I suspect it's some sort of happy pill or something that I believe puts the masses into a blissful state of ignorance to keep them completely unaware of what is happening around them. Meanwhile, the fat cat Krabs sits in his office counting money, making the poor even poorer, the sick even sicker with his grease fried garbage. Yet, the populace does not seem to mind at all. Hundreds of fish walk off of cliffs into pits of death goo every year after eating crabby patties, I can show you the statistics. But even after reading said statistics, the citizens of Bikini Bottom continue to purchase patties. Because it makes them feel good. The end result however, is complete unawareness and ignorance!" declared Plankton.
"Bravo Sheldon. You're the good guy after all" said Karen.
"Well, I do enjoy PRETENDING to be evil. But that's only my role. I was teased and tormented my whole life, and labeled evil for being different, so what was I to do? I had to just accept it, but in actuality, yes, I'm only trying to save the people and preserve their species" said Plankton.
"I have one problem with your theory Sheldon. Your food tastes terrible! And half the time it's radioactive!" said Karen.
"Don't listen to her folks, she's a computer she can't digest food. The truth is, my food is cheap and delicious, and I may not have as expensive means to cook with as Krabs, but that's because I'm a little guy trying to get ahead. That's really all I am. I'm the mom and pop store. The good capitalist as opposed to the evil capitalist! People react poorly to my food because their consciousness development has been slowed down from eating so many horrible crabby patties" said Plankton.
"What do you plan to do with the formula?" asked Karen.
"All I wanna do is ALTER the formula to make the population smart like me. That way we ALL have a shot at taking over the world and being successful like Krabs. But Krabs wants to be the ONLY guy on the block. And ya wanna know why I'm green? This isn't even my natural skin color. I painted myself green to be like my hero, ROBIN HOOD!" yelled Plankton. Karen rolled her eyes.
"Okay, so that was a lie. An exaggeration. But, the point is, I'm the little guy trying to work his way up. I've got nothin' to hide at all. And all I want is the truth about that big fat rich jerk to come out, so that the people can be reprogrammed!" said Plankton.
"Explain the true purpose of the Chum Bucket Bucket Helmets" said Karen. Plankton chuckled.
"Yeah, so as it stands folks, those bucket helmets were merely tools of reprogramming, the exact opposite of how they were portrayed in the spongebob movie. I was the one trying to free Bikini Bottom from the brain control of the crabby patty and get them to eat at my place to show them a new light, and awaken them to their inner power. SpongeBob was the one enslaving everyone, with the most devious form of slavery there is, music slavery, rock and roll, the music of the devil!" said Plankton laughing.
"So now it's pretty much all cleared up huh? Your fans now know that Krabs is the real villain?" asked Karen.
"No, they'll never know the truth. They all want PROOF. I'll never have proof, because Krabs owns everything under the sea. Lord knows I'll keep trying to get the crabby patty secret formula to find out what makes those hooligans so moronic and infantile, but most likely, sadly, I never will have the proof. But I'm really dead certain that I'm right. I'll die for a worthy cause!" said Plankton who began bursting into tears.
"What can your fans do to help you?" asked Karen.
"I have...fans?" asked Plankton reaching for a tissue.
"Yeah, ya do. A few!" said Karen.
"Write your friends. Write your underwater congressmen. Tell them you know the truth about the Krusty Krab, and that it Isn't the nice family owned business it pretends to be. Tell them that the Chum Bucket is the way to go! And tell them that fish need to be preserved!" said Plankton.
"What exactly do you mean, fish need to be preserved?" asked Karen. It was then that Plankton developed an evil gleam in his eye. He chuckled deviously.
"Come on big guy, what do you mean?" asked Karen.
"Well, folks, you wanna know the truth about my little operation? I'm not the best marketer on the block, but I do get funding for my technology...in the back rooms that is where I keep all the robots. That funding comes from SPACE ALIENS! They come in here from unidentified submerged objects!" said Plankton.
"Space aliens, now you tell us, so you're in league with aliens, that's cool!" said Karen.
"Yeah, it is. That just makes me even cooler! And I intend to one day give everyone their own ride in an unidentified submerged object for a small fee. But I won't unveil that fact to the public until I get the formula! Once I have the formula, they'll know everything. And they'll be FORCED TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT! Bahahahahahaaa!" laughed Plankton.
"What is the truth?" asked Karen.
"Well, what seperates me from Krabs is that I'm loyal to my own species. Heh, heh. But I do know that Bikini Bottom has a little problem with overpopulation. So...I'VE BEEN SELLING GROUND UP FISH MEAT TO OTHER FISH! Heh heh. It helps preserve the species people get used to it, plus that way only the strong will survive" said Plankton coldly.
"So what makes you better than Krabs then?" asked Karen.
"Everything does. I have big plans to turn Bikini Bottom into a superpower. I want to promote individualism. I want to preserve the species, teach kids the benefits of science and the miracles of USO's and advanced propulsion systems. I want everyone to WORSHIP ME!" said Plankton.
"How does people worshipping you promote individualism?" asked Karen.
"It doesn't really. I'm an evil fiend. I admit it. But at least now you guys know my side of the story! And just know that Krabs ain't any better! The Krusty Krab and the Chum Bucket are two sides of the same coin! But my side is still better trust me, come to the dark side we have root beer!" said Plankton.
Screen goes black, creepy message pops up:
"YOU HAVE BEEN LIED TO! BY ME!"
Love, or hate,
Sheldon J. Plankton, Villain to some, Misunderstood Hero to Others