TITLE: Call and Answer
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG-13 (for subject matter dealing with Suicide)
SUMMARY: 5 years pre-TPM. H/C, non-slash. Qui-Gon must cope with the death of a former apprentice.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.
ARCHIVE: Ask me first.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
*******************
"Call and Answer"
"...If you call, I will answer,
if you fall, I'll pick you up.
If you court this disaster,
I'll point you home,
I'll point you home..."
(Lyrics and inspiration provided by Steven Page & Steven Duffy, 'Barenaked Ladies').
===============
Call and Answer
===============
Keyla Drass lay on the floor of her Jedi Temple quarters. Her last pain filled breath had been taken hours ago. Beside her, the silver metallic hilt of her lightsaber was still warm. She had chosen her own fate.
*******************
The door chime was buzzing monotonously as Qui-Gon Jinn rolled over in bed. "Force, can't they leave me alone for just one morning." He slowly carried himself to the door. On the other side stood Master Healer Terran Va'lor and Master Jerra Derson, a longtime friend of Jinn's. Their faces were solemn.
Qui-Gon questioned them. "Gentlemen? To what do I owe this visit?"
Jerra stepped towards his fellow Jedi. "You have not heard the news then?"
Hearing the familiar voices, Obi-Wan Kenobi came padding out of his bedroom. "Master? What's going on?"
"What news Jerra?" Qui-Gon quickly realized the visit was not a social one. "Has something happened?"
"Your former apprentice, Master Drass. She...she...." Jerra fumbled over the words. "She was found in her quarters not long ago. She had taken her own life."
Qui-Gon shook his head. Clearly there had been some mistake and he had heard his friend wrong. Keyla Drass was a highly respected master, having trained one apprentice to Knighthood already. She would never end her own life...it was inconceivable. "Is this some kind of joke Jerra...because if it is, it's not funny."
As Jerra broke eye contact, Healer Terran spoke up. "This is no joke Qui-Gon. Keyla is dead."
Next to Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan seemed lost. "I don't understand, she seemed so content the past few days. Are you sure it's her?"
Denial continued to bite at the Jedi Master. "This is not possible. I was just talking to her last night, we had made plans for dinner this evening, I don't...." The sorrowful faces of the two men standing before him brought Qui-Gon back to reality. "Can I see her?"
"Yes, if you would follow us to the medical ward."
Qui-Gon nodded silently before turning to his student. "Obi-Wan, please stay here. I'll be back shortly."
"But, mas...." The apprentice stopped in mid-sentence when his Master raised his hand before him. "Yes master."
********************
The trio entered the stale white rooms of the lower level medical ward. Qui-Gon struggled to look beyond the sympathetic faces of the other healers. Terran directed him to the last room on the left. "I will give you a few minutes, then we must prepare her body for funeral." A quick nod was the only response to the healer's statement.
Qui-Gon approached the body of his former apprentice...his first student. She had been such a joy to train. Demanding, yet so willing to learn. Stubborn, but strong in the Force. Now that he thought back, he realized how much alike she and Obi-Wan were. He traced her cheekbones with his callused finger, whispering soft words...questions.
"Why Keyla? Why did you do this? You had so much to live for. Sevar's death was not your fault. You did your best to protect him. I know how much he meant to you...how many years you spent together as master and apprentice. He was such a promising young man. His death was widely mourned among the Order. He would not have wished this fate upon you. You cheated him, you cheated yourself...you cheated me. What about the people who love you? The ones who will no longer see your strong face or hear your calming voice. You cheated us all. You tarnish the death of your apprentice by taking the easy way out. You could have dealt with this. Obi-Wan and I would never turn our backs on you. But instead, you do this...the coward's way. You used to be so brave. I was so proud of what you had become. I don't understand this Keyla. Tell me why?" Several stray tears fell from the big Jedi's tired eyes. "I will miss you Keyla. You were my Padawan, and a dear friend. I do not regret the time I spent training you and raising you. I only wish you had come to me for help. If you had called, you know I would have answered."
With those words said, the Jedi Master left the body of his former apprentice alone in the cold sterility of the dimly lit morgue.
*******************
Obi-Wan was worried. Qui-Gon had not yet returned from his morning trip to the medical ward. Hours had passed since he had seen or heard from his teacher. He tried reaching the master through their bond, but was blocked by strong shields. So, the apprentice decided to seek out Qui-Gon's friend, Master Jerra Derson.
He found him sparring with his padawan, Taj Elim, in the gym. Unwilling to interrupt the exchange, the young Jedi waited. It was Master Jerra's student who first took notice of the lone padawan sitting off to the side of the gym. "Master, isn't that Obi-Wan?"
Following the dark eyes of the apprentice, Derson spotted the student in question. "It is, yes. Taj, get cleaned up and return to quarters, I must speak with young Kenobi."
"Yes master."
Obi-Wan saw the man approaching and stood to greet him, bowing slightly when the Jedi stood before him.
"Qui-Gon has not returned home, has he?"
"No Master Jerra. I am unable to contact him. I was wondering if you might know where he is." The young Jedi's face was etched with worry.
"He left the healers hours ago. Shall I help you find him?"
A slight smile crept across the boy's strong features. "If you don't mind, I have checked in the usual places Perhaps you know of someplace else he may go to be alone."
Placing an arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders, Jerra led him from the gym. "We will find him."
As the pair began their search, Obi-Wan questioned his master's friend. "Did you know Keyla?"
"I did, yes. Qui-Gon and I each took our first padawans on the same day. She was a bright student, they were well matched. Qui-Gon was so proud of what she had become. He was young then, and unsure about being a master. I am sure he is very saddened by her death."
"I just wish he wouldn't shut me out. I can help him deal with what has happened."
"I have no doubt of that Obi-Wan. You are the most important part of his life right now, but sometimes time alone is what one needs to recover from a shock such as this."
They stopped at the turbo lift, Jerra asked for Level C. "I have an idea of where he may be."
Questions from the apprentice continued. "Why do you think she chose to take her own life?"
Sighing heavily, the tall master found the intense eyes of Kenobi holding his gaze. "I believe that she blamed herself for the death of her apprentice, Sevar Kahn. Yes, Sevar had been with her for ten years. They had one of the strongest bonds I have ever known, stronger than the one you share with Qui-Gon. I remember seeing her come off the transport after that failed mission, holding his lifeless, cold body in her arms. She refused to allow the healers to take him from her. For the next few weeks after that, she was stuck in a depression so deep, that soul healers were brought in to help her. You and Qui-Gon were off-planet, there was nothing you could do to assist matters. But then things seemed to improve, and in the past month, I began to see her eyeing the older initiates. She told me she was thinking about taking on a new apprentice."
The lift doors opened, and two Jedi headed off in the direction of the Healing Gardens. "She seemed happy these last couple days. I didn't know her very well, but it was nice to spend time with her. Then...this...."
Jerra nodded. "Healer Terran tells me that she showed all the classic signs of one contemplating suicide. Unfortunately, there was no one with her who could recognize those signals that she was broadcasting. And instead of asking for help, she took what she thought was the only way out."
Reaching into his belt pouch, Obi-Wan withdrew a small cobalt stone. "Keyla gave me this yesterday. Said that Master Qui-Gon had given it to her when she was younger. It was something she held dear, but she was insistent that I keep it. She said it would mean a great deal to her. So...I did. At the time, I couldn't understand why she wanted me to have it...I guess she knew why. I am still so confused by all this."
Jerra squeezed the young man's shoulder. "Giving away possessions is a sign that she had accepted her decision to become one with the Force. No longer did she hold doubts. It brings with it a feeling of contentment. She found that feeling and it held her. Hold on to that gift Obi-Wan. In time, it will be something that may strengthen, even further, the bond between you and your master." They paused outside of the Healing Gardens. "There, at the end of the stream, see where that small waterfall is? That looks like our friend."
"I believe so. Thank you Master Jerra, for everything."
Jerra smiled before reaching up to ruffle the boy's short hair. "Be patient with him Obi-Wan, and don't take it to heart if he lashes out at you. Death does strange things to one's confidence. I will be around if you wish to talk."
Offering a small bow, and a forced smile, Obi-Wan quietly made his way toward where his master sat in solitude, watching the waterfall.
*******************
Obi-Wan did not say a word as he approached the older Jedi. Silently he sat next to his teacher, hopeful that Qui-Gon would break the tension that filled the air.
An uncomfortable silence hovered around the pair. Qui-Gon was the first to speak.
"Is there something you need Obi-Wan?" His bitter tone caught the padawan off-guard.
"No Master, I just wanted to be sure that you were okay. You didn't come home this morning. I was worried about you." The younger Knight had never been so nervous around the man who had become more a father to him than anything. He chose his words carefully.
Qui-Gon's voice remained calm, but edged with irritation. "I am fine Obi-Wan. I need time to think. Please return to our quarters, I will be in touch with you later."
As a Jedi Apprentice, Obi-Wan was sworn to follow the orders of his master, but something was telling him not to leave Jinn alone right now. "Master, I wish to stay with you. We need not talk, I will keep to myself, but I believe you should not be by yourself during this time."
An angry sigh greeted the boy. "You will return to quarters Obi-Wan. And you will do so now. I will not accept this type of obstinate behavior from my apprentice. Go, now."
Hurt and frustrated, Obi-Wan got up and bowed his head. "Yes master. If you need me, you know where I will be." There was no response.
*******************
Despite Qui-Gons orders, the student had no intention of returning to quarters. Instead, he walked away, and sat in an area in which he could keep watch over his master, but where he remained hidden from view. Even if it meant severe punishment for disobeying a direct order, he refused to abandon the man who meant so much to him. Eventually there would be a cry for help and Obi-Wan was determined to be there to answer it.
The hours passed and the quiet figure at the waterfall remained almost motionless. Obi-Wan was struggling to keep his eyes open. He became alert when he heard the soft sounds of someone crying. Turning to his left, he saw Qui-Gon, his head in his hands, shoulders shaking. The padawan was uncertain as to what to do. Should he approach his master or allow him this time alone to grieve?
Thoughts became confusing as he debated on what action, if any, to take. He did not wish to upset Qui-Gon any further. Finally he came to a decision.
Standing up, he crept towards the hunched over form, and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. Qui-Gon spoke without lifting his head. "I told you to go home Obi-Wan. Why do you insist on disobeying me?" His voice was demanding, but weak.
"I...I'm sorry master. I know you ordered me to return to quarters, and I will gladly accept any punishment you see fit to place on me for going against you, but...I...I am worried about you. You are hurting inside, I can see that. Master Keyla was your student, she meant a lot to you. But I am your student also, why would you shut me out? More than anyone, I can help you deal with what has happened. I don't understand why she chose this path any more than you do. Yet, you always tell me that the Force works in mysterious ways, and everything happens for a reason. We have to accept what has happened, and move on. We cannot change the past. But we can honor the future. We can honor Keyla's life, she has earned that right. She was a good student, a good master and a good friend. It would be unacceptable to remember her any other way." Obi-Wan was speaking without hesitation. He feared if he stopped, he would lose the courage to continue with what needed to be said.
Qui-Gon stared off into the distance, but he listened to his padawan's every emotion filled word. He heard the support and love that the boy had for him come pouring out as the words were spoken. Reaching up, he wiped at the remaining tears that were clinging to his face.
"I care about you master. When you hurt, I do as well. Please don't follow her path and not reach out for help. She had many to reach out to, yet she refused. I do not wish things to be the same with you. I am here master. And I will not leave you. You may order me to do whatever you wish, but I will not move from your side." Standing his ground as Qui-Gon pulled his worn body upright, Obi-Wan found himself staring deeply into the sincere eyes of the older man. He refused to look away.
"Your punishment...there shall be none. Yet, you have never spoken to me as you just did." He paused for a brief moment as Obi-Wan hung his head and broke eye contact, realizing what he had just done. "No padawan, look at me. Do not be ashamed of what you have said. You spoke honestly and from your heart. There is nothing wrong with that. I care for you as well, more than you know. And it is not my intention to lash out at you as I have done. You have done nothing to warrant such treatment." Reaching up, Qui-Gon softly brushed the cheek of his dear student. "I have lost one of my own padawan. One of my...children, if you will. I have lost her in a way that I never thought possible. I guess natural reaction is to focus on that, and nothing else. You are right, you can help me. You can help just by standing with me as you always do. I was wrong to shut you out, and I am sorry for my behavior. Will you walk with me?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Always master." Seconds later, the young Jedi was drawn into a warm embrace. Instantly he felt the shields around them crash, and the deep caring they shared for the other was once again flowing easily through their bond. Qui-Gon held his...child...tightly to him, almost afraid to let go, fearing that if he did, he would lose him forever. He had lost two in his lifetime, he could not fathom losing this one as well.
****************
Qui-Gon released his student, holding him at arms length. The almost gray eyes holding his own intense gaze. "Would you come with me padawan? I wish to visit Keyla's apartment, perhaps I will learn more as to why her death happened. Your company would be greatly appreciated."
"Yes master, I will." They departed the Gardens, and before long were standing outside the door to Keyla Drass' quarters. The Jedi Master reaching to punch in the lock code, hesitated. Several deep, shuddering breaths followed. He felt a light touch on his arm, the comforting presence of his devoted student helping to calm his soul.
"I am here master, should you need me." Obi-Wan flashed a supportive smile.
In turn, Qui-Gon nodded. "Thank you padawan. Shall we enter?"
"After you."
***************
A large area of red stained the carpeting of the common area. The apartment had yet to be cleaned. Everything was as it had been left. Qui-Gon did his best to avoid centering on that one area of the room. He turned his attention to other things. A holo of Keyla and her deceased apprentice, Sevar, taken only a few weeks before his death was displayed proudly on the desk. Other smaller holo's decorated the living space. Qui-Gon touched his finger to one of them, running it over the faces of the smiling Jedi. They were a perfect match, master and padawan.
In the apprentice's bedroom, Obi-Wan found a rock similar to the one the Keyla had insisted on giving to him. It was the same shade of blue, but a bit larger in size. "Master?"
A few seconds later, Qui-Gon wandered in to the room. "Yes, Obi-Wan."
The boy handed the rock to his teacher. "This is a tradition isn't it?"
Qui-Gon grinned. "Yes, I believe it is. When Keyla was my apprentice, I gave her a stone not too different from that one there. She must have kept the tradition alive. I suppose her stone is around here somewhere. She never mentioned it to me after I gave it to her all those years ago."
Reaching into his pouch, the younger Jedi pulled out the rock in question. "Would this be the one?"
A deep breath was released. "Where did you get that Obi-Wan? Please tell me." There was a tinge of hurt in Qui-Gons words.
"Keyla gave it to me. Yesterday. She told me she wanted me to keep it for her. I told her that it would not be right of me to accept it, but she was adamant that I take it. I'm sorry master, I didn't mean to upset you. I was going to tell you about it, but..."
"I'm not upset Obi-Wan, just surprised is all. Did she tell you why she wanted you to have it?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "No, but I sensed that it was very important to her and that it saddened her to let it go. Master Jerra told me I should treasure it, it may be a source of strength for us in the future. Here. This should be yours. Keyla was special to you, it's not my place to interfere." He tried to hand the smooth stone to his master, but Qui-Gon refused.
"I wish you to hold onto it, keep it close to you. For whatever reason, Keyla wanted you to have it." He reached out and closed Obi-Wan's hand around the precious stone before curling his own hand around that of his students. "For Keyla and for me, you keep it safe."
"Yes master. I will."
They continued around the apartment, Qui-Gon struggling to maintain control of his fragile emotions. Every so often he would stop and take several deep, meditating breaths. Finding his focus, he continued on. Obi-Wan had planted himself on the couch after a while, allowing his master to find whatever peace he could. He was aware of the pain the man felt as he roamed from room to room and thought it best if he provided silent support. He made himself comfortable until Qui-Gon decided it was time to depart. Obi-Wan felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up.
"Come padawan, let's go home. I think some rest is in order for both of us."
***************
The following day, Jedi Master Keyla Drass was laid to rest. Her body burned brightly on the pyre. She was one with the Force now. Obi-Wan stood quietly with his mentor until the flames had reduced the body to ashes. The procession of Knights and Council members filed out, leaving master and padawan together. It was custom for an apprentice to leave his master alone to grieve at the side of a fallen student, yet, once again, Obi-Wan feared leaving Qui-Gon's side. The Jedi Master seemed more unbalanced than ever before. It concerned the younger Knight. If Qui-Gon asked him to leave, he would honor his wishes. Otherwise, he would answer the man's silent call to stand by his side.
When Qui-Gon finally turned to leave, he did so without speaking. He wrapped an arm around his apprentice, pulled him close, and guided him home.
Once home, Qui-Gon sunk heavily into the welcoming softness of the large couch. Patting the cushion next to him, he motioned towards the young man. "Please sit padawan, I wish to speak with you for a bit."
Removing his robe, the padawan took the spot next to Qui-Gon, a bit uneasy about the seriousness of Qui-Gon's tone. "Is something troubling you master? Something beyond the funeral?"
"I want you to promise me."
Obi-Wan was confused. "Promise you what master?"
"Promise me that should you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you will come to me. You will not take matters into your own hands and follow the course of action that Keyla chose. I will always be here if you need me. Please promise me that you will seek me out, and ask for help. All you ever need to is call for me. I will never turn my back on you. You know that, don't you? Don't you?" By now, Qui-Gon had taken Obi-Wan by the shoulders and was shaking him, his hands squeezing tight. There was a desperate plea in his voice that the younger man had never heard before.
"Master, I promise you, I swear to you. I will come to you as I do now. But, you are hurting me master, please let go..."
Not realizing how tight a hold he had on the boy, Qui-Gon suddenly released. "Padawan, please forgive me. I did not mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. It's just that..."
Obi-Wan reached out and took Qui-Gons hand. "I know master. I know. You miss her, and you wonder why she refused to turn to you for help. I only wish I could provide those answers for you. But...I can't. This was her decision, her choice to make. I promise you, if I ever need anyone, I will call on you."
"And I shall answer. Never forget that. Even when I have joined the Force, I will remain with you. Keyla is gone. Xanatos is gone. You are all I have, and I do not wish to lose you." Qui-Gons eyes grew watery. "Losing a child is the most intense pain anyone can experience."
"And it's happened to you twice." The master nodded slowly. "I am here now master. You still have me. And I will do everything in my power to always be with you."
Qui-Gon hung his head as the padawan reached out to embrace him. "We should honor them both. Master Keyla and Padawan Sevar. Honor them by remembering and holding the memories close to our hearts. If we do that, they will never truly be gone."
"When did you become so wise my young apprentice?"
"Oh, I don't know. I've had a good teacher."
Smiling as he picked himself up off the couch, Qui-Gon straightened his tunic, and donned his Jedi robe.
"Would you accompany me to the candlelight service this evening? It is the first of it's kind and is memory of fallen friends and family. I would like to say goodbye. And Obi-Wan...should I ever call..."
"You know you don't have to ask. I am proud to stand with you. I am proud to call you my master and my friend. She will always be with you master, as will I." The young Jedi eyes shown with compassion as he looked up at his master, before heading up to the kitchen to prepare their meal. When he got a few feet away, he turned back to the older man. "Master?"
"Yes padawan?"
"Should you ever call...I will answer."
"My Obi-Wan." A flash of pride washed over Qui-Gon. He turned and walked softly to his bedroom. Exhausted in mind and body, he curled himself into his blankets. As he drifted off, his eyes remained glued to the holo's that adorned the nightstand. One was of he and Keyla on her Knighting day. It had been his proudest day as a master. The other holo was of he and Obi-Wan, the one who was so dear to him now. The one who would continue with him until he too reached Knighthood, and perhaps even longer. Slowly, he closed his eyes, taking in the site of his two beloved padawans...his beloved children. A feeling of contentment flowed through his being as he felt Obi-Wan's mind brush his own. An unspoken expression of caring and friendship between master and apprentice. He drifted off. An awareness of how fortunate he was to have Obi-Wan in his life, comforted him. The young man with whom he had shared the last eight years. And Force willing, that friendship and comfort would hold between them for years to come.
END
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG-13 (for subject matter dealing with Suicide)
SUMMARY: 5 years pre-TPM. H/C, non-slash. Qui-Gon must cope with the death of a former apprentice.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.
ARCHIVE: Ask me first.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
*******************
"Call and Answer"
"...If you call, I will answer,
if you fall, I'll pick you up.
If you court this disaster,
I'll point you home,
I'll point you home..."
(Lyrics and inspiration provided by Steven Page & Steven Duffy, 'Barenaked Ladies').
===============
Call and Answer
===============
Keyla Drass lay on the floor of her Jedi Temple quarters. Her last pain filled breath had been taken hours ago. Beside her, the silver metallic hilt of her lightsaber was still warm. She had chosen her own fate.
*******************
The door chime was buzzing monotonously as Qui-Gon Jinn rolled over in bed. "Force, can't they leave me alone for just one morning." He slowly carried himself to the door. On the other side stood Master Healer Terran Va'lor and Master Jerra Derson, a longtime friend of Jinn's. Their faces were solemn.
Qui-Gon questioned them. "Gentlemen? To what do I owe this visit?"
Jerra stepped towards his fellow Jedi. "You have not heard the news then?"
Hearing the familiar voices, Obi-Wan Kenobi came padding out of his bedroom. "Master? What's going on?"
"What news Jerra?" Qui-Gon quickly realized the visit was not a social one. "Has something happened?"
"Your former apprentice, Master Drass. She...she...." Jerra fumbled over the words. "She was found in her quarters not long ago. She had taken her own life."
Qui-Gon shook his head. Clearly there had been some mistake and he had heard his friend wrong. Keyla Drass was a highly respected master, having trained one apprentice to Knighthood already. She would never end her own life...it was inconceivable. "Is this some kind of joke Jerra...because if it is, it's not funny."
As Jerra broke eye contact, Healer Terran spoke up. "This is no joke Qui-Gon. Keyla is dead."
Next to Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan seemed lost. "I don't understand, she seemed so content the past few days. Are you sure it's her?"
Denial continued to bite at the Jedi Master. "This is not possible. I was just talking to her last night, we had made plans for dinner this evening, I don't...." The sorrowful faces of the two men standing before him brought Qui-Gon back to reality. "Can I see her?"
"Yes, if you would follow us to the medical ward."
Qui-Gon nodded silently before turning to his student. "Obi-Wan, please stay here. I'll be back shortly."
"But, mas...." The apprentice stopped in mid-sentence when his Master raised his hand before him. "Yes master."
********************
The trio entered the stale white rooms of the lower level medical ward. Qui-Gon struggled to look beyond the sympathetic faces of the other healers. Terran directed him to the last room on the left. "I will give you a few minutes, then we must prepare her body for funeral." A quick nod was the only response to the healer's statement.
Qui-Gon approached the body of his former apprentice...his first student. She had been such a joy to train. Demanding, yet so willing to learn. Stubborn, but strong in the Force. Now that he thought back, he realized how much alike she and Obi-Wan were. He traced her cheekbones with his callused finger, whispering soft words...questions.
"Why Keyla? Why did you do this? You had so much to live for. Sevar's death was not your fault. You did your best to protect him. I know how much he meant to you...how many years you spent together as master and apprentice. He was such a promising young man. His death was widely mourned among the Order. He would not have wished this fate upon you. You cheated him, you cheated yourself...you cheated me. What about the people who love you? The ones who will no longer see your strong face or hear your calming voice. You cheated us all. You tarnish the death of your apprentice by taking the easy way out. You could have dealt with this. Obi-Wan and I would never turn our backs on you. But instead, you do this...the coward's way. You used to be so brave. I was so proud of what you had become. I don't understand this Keyla. Tell me why?" Several stray tears fell from the big Jedi's tired eyes. "I will miss you Keyla. You were my Padawan, and a dear friend. I do not regret the time I spent training you and raising you. I only wish you had come to me for help. If you had called, you know I would have answered."
With those words said, the Jedi Master left the body of his former apprentice alone in the cold sterility of the dimly lit morgue.
*******************
Obi-Wan was worried. Qui-Gon had not yet returned from his morning trip to the medical ward. Hours had passed since he had seen or heard from his teacher. He tried reaching the master through their bond, but was blocked by strong shields. So, the apprentice decided to seek out Qui-Gon's friend, Master Jerra Derson.
He found him sparring with his padawan, Taj Elim, in the gym. Unwilling to interrupt the exchange, the young Jedi waited. It was Master Jerra's student who first took notice of the lone padawan sitting off to the side of the gym. "Master, isn't that Obi-Wan?"
Following the dark eyes of the apprentice, Derson spotted the student in question. "It is, yes. Taj, get cleaned up and return to quarters, I must speak with young Kenobi."
"Yes master."
Obi-Wan saw the man approaching and stood to greet him, bowing slightly when the Jedi stood before him.
"Qui-Gon has not returned home, has he?"
"No Master Jerra. I am unable to contact him. I was wondering if you might know where he is." The young Jedi's face was etched with worry.
"He left the healers hours ago. Shall I help you find him?"
A slight smile crept across the boy's strong features. "If you don't mind, I have checked in the usual places Perhaps you know of someplace else he may go to be alone."
Placing an arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders, Jerra led him from the gym. "We will find him."
As the pair began their search, Obi-Wan questioned his master's friend. "Did you know Keyla?"
"I did, yes. Qui-Gon and I each took our first padawans on the same day. She was a bright student, they were well matched. Qui-Gon was so proud of what she had become. He was young then, and unsure about being a master. I am sure he is very saddened by her death."
"I just wish he wouldn't shut me out. I can help him deal with what has happened."
"I have no doubt of that Obi-Wan. You are the most important part of his life right now, but sometimes time alone is what one needs to recover from a shock such as this."
They stopped at the turbo lift, Jerra asked for Level C. "I have an idea of where he may be."
Questions from the apprentice continued. "Why do you think she chose to take her own life?"
Sighing heavily, the tall master found the intense eyes of Kenobi holding his gaze. "I believe that she blamed herself for the death of her apprentice, Sevar Kahn. Yes, Sevar had been with her for ten years. They had one of the strongest bonds I have ever known, stronger than the one you share with Qui-Gon. I remember seeing her come off the transport after that failed mission, holding his lifeless, cold body in her arms. She refused to allow the healers to take him from her. For the next few weeks after that, she was stuck in a depression so deep, that soul healers were brought in to help her. You and Qui-Gon were off-planet, there was nothing you could do to assist matters. But then things seemed to improve, and in the past month, I began to see her eyeing the older initiates. She told me she was thinking about taking on a new apprentice."
The lift doors opened, and two Jedi headed off in the direction of the Healing Gardens. "She seemed happy these last couple days. I didn't know her very well, but it was nice to spend time with her. Then...this...."
Jerra nodded. "Healer Terran tells me that she showed all the classic signs of one contemplating suicide. Unfortunately, there was no one with her who could recognize those signals that she was broadcasting. And instead of asking for help, she took what she thought was the only way out."
Reaching into his belt pouch, Obi-Wan withdrew a small cobalt stone. "Keyla gave me this yesterday. Said that Master Qui-Gon had given it to her when she was younger. It was something she held dear, but she was insistent that I keep it. She said it would mean a great deal to her. So...I did. At the time, I couldn't understand why she wanted me to have it...I guess she knew why. I am still so confused by all this."
Jerra squeezed the young man's shoulder. "Giving away possessions is a sign that she had accepted her decision to become one with the Force. No longer did she hold doubts. It brings with it a feeling of contentment. She found that feeling and it held her. Hold on to that gift Obi-Wan. In time, it will be something that may strengthen, even further, the bond between you and your master." They paused outside of the Healing Gardens. "There, at the end of the stream, see where that small waterfall is? That looks like our friend."
"I believe so. Thank you Master Jerra, for everything."
Jerra smiled before reaching up to ruffle the boy's short hair. "Be patient with him Obi-Wan, and don't take it to heart if he lashes out at you. Death does strange things to one's confidence. I will be around if you wish to talk."
Offering a small bow, and a forced smile, Obi-Wan quietly made his way toward where his master sat in solitude, watching the waterfall.
*******************
Obi-Wan did not say a word as he approached the older Jedi. Silently he sat next to his teacher, hopeful that Qui-Gon would break the tension that filled the air.
An uncomfortable silence hovered around the pair. Qui-Gon was the first to speak.
"Is there something you need Obi-Wan?" His bitter tone caught the padawan off-guard.
"No Master, I just wanted to be sure that you were okay. You didn't come home this morning. I was worried about you." The younger Knight had never been so nervous around the man who had become more a father to him than anything. He chose his words carefully.
Qui-Gon's voice remained calm, but edged with irritation. "I am fine Obi-Wan. I need time to think. Please return to our quarters, I will be in touch with you later."
As a Jedi Apprentice, Obi-Wan was sworn to follow the orders of his master, but something was telling him not to leave Jinn alone right now. "Master, I wish to stay with you. We need not talk, I will keep to myself, but I believe you should not be by yourself during this time."
An angry sigh greeted the boy. "You will return to quarters Obi-Wan. And you will do so now. I will not accept this type of obstinate behavior from my apprentice. Go, now."
Hurt and frustrated, Obi-Wan got up and bowed his head. "Yes master. If you need me, you know where I will be." There was no response.
*******************
Despite Qui-Gons orders, the student had no intention of returning to quarters. Instead, he walked away, and sat in an area in which he could keep watch over his master, but where he remained hidden from view. Even if it meant severe punishment for disobeying a direct order, he refused to abandon the man who meant so much to him. Eventually there would be a cry for help and Obi-Wan was determined to be there to answer it.
The hours passed and the quiet figure at the waterfall remained almost motionless. Obi-Wan was struggling to keep his eyes open. He became alert when he heard the soft sounds of someone crying. Turning to his left, he saw Qui-Gon, his head in his hands, shoulders shaking. The padawan was uncertain as to what to do. Should he approach his master or allow him this time alone to grieve?
Thoughts became confusing as he debated on what action, if any, to take. He did not wish to upset Qui-Gon any further. Finally he came to a decision.
Standing up, he crept towards the hunched over form, and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. Qui-Gon spoke without lifting his head. "I told you to go home Obi-Wan. Why do you insist on disobeying me?" His voice was demanding, but weak.
"I...I'm sorry master. I know you ordered me to return to quarters, and I will gladly accept any punishment you see fit to place on me for going against you, but...I...I am worried about you. You are hurting inside, I can see that. Master Keyla was your student, she meant a lot to you. But I am your student also, why would you shut me out? More than anyone, I can help you deal with what has happened. I don't understand why she chose this path any more than you do. Yet, you always tell me that the Force works in mysterious ways, and everything happens for a reason. We have to accept what has happened, and move on. We cannot change the past. But we can honor the future. We can honor Keyla's life, she has earned that right. She was a good student, a good master and a good friend. It would be unacceptable to remember her any other way." Obi-Wan was speaking without hesitation. He feared if he stopped, he would lose the courage to continue with what needed to be said.
Qui-Gon stared off into the distance, but he listened to his padawan's every emotion filled word. He heard the support and love that the boy had for him come pouring out as the words were spoken. Reaching up, he wiped at the remaining tears that were clinging to his face.
"I care about you master. When you hurt, I do as well. Please don't follow her path and not reach out for help. She had many to reach out to, yet she refused. I do not wish things to be the same with you. I am here master. And I will not leave you. You may order me to do whatever you wish, but I will not move from your side." Standing his ground as Qui-Gon pulled his worn body upright, Obi-Wan found himself staring deeply into the sincere eyes of the older man. He refused to look away.
"Your punishment...there shall be none. Yet, you have never spoken to me as you just did." He paused for a brief moment as Obi-Wan hung his head and broke eye contact, realizing what he had just done. "No padawan, look at me. Do not be ashamed of what you have said. You spoke honestly and from your heart. There is nothing wrong with that. I care for you as well, more than you know. And it is not my intention to lash out at you as I have done. You have done nothing to warrant such treatment." Reaching up, Qui-Gon softly brushed the cheek of his dear student. "I have lost one of my own padawan. One of my...children, if you will. I have lost her in a way that I never thought possible. I guess natural reaction is to focus on that, and nothing else. You are right, you can help me. You can help just by standing with me as you always do. I was wrong to shut you out, and I am sorry for my behavior. Will you walk with me?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Always master." Seconds later, the young Jedi was drawn into a warm embrace. Instantly he felt the shields around them crash, and the deep caring they shared for the other was once again flowing easily through their bond. Qui-Gon held his...child...tightly to him, almost afraid to let go, fearing that if he did, he would lose him forever. He had lost two in his lifetime, he could not fathom losing this one as well.
****************
Qui-Gon released his student, holding him at arms length. The almost gray eyes holding his own intense gaze. "Would you come with me padawan? I wish to visit Keyla's apartment, perhaps I will learn more as to why her death happened. Your company would be greatly appreciated."
"Yes master, I will." They departed the Gardens, and before long were standing outside the door to Keyla Drass' quarters. The Jedi Master reaching to punch in the lock code, hesitated. Several deep, shuddering breaths followed. He felt a light touch on his arm, the comforting presence of his devoted student helping to calm his soul.
"I am here master, should you need me." Obi-Wan flashed a supportive smile.
In turn, Qui-Gon nodded. "Thank you padawan. Shall we enter?"
"After you."
***************
A large area of red stained the carpeting of the common area. The apartment had yet to be cleaned. Everything was as it had been left. Qui-Gon did his best to avoid centering on that one area of the room. He turned his attention to other things. A holo of Keyla and her deceased apprentice, Sevar, taken only a few weeks before his death was displayed proudly on the desk. Other smaller holo's decorated the living space. Qui-Gon touched his finger to one of them, running it over the faces of the smiling Jedi. They were a perfect match, master and padawan.
In the apprentice's bedroom, Obi-Wan found a rock similar to the one the Keyla had insisted on giving to him. It was the same shade of blue, but a bit larger in size. "Master?"
A few seconds later, Qui-Gon wandered in to the room. "Yes, Obi-Wan."
The boy handed the rock to his teacher. "This is a tradition isn't it?"
Qui-Gon grinned. "Yes, I believe it is. When Keyla was my apprentice, I gave her a stone not too different from that one there. She must have kept the tradition alive. I suppose her stone is around here somewhere. She never mentioned it to me after I gave it to her all those years ago."
Reaching into his pouch, the younger Jedi pulled out the rock in question. "Would this be the one?"
A deep breath was released. "Where did you get that Obi-Wan? Please tell me." There was a tinge of hurt in Qui-Gons words.
"Keyla gave it to me. Yesterday. She told me she wanted me to keep it for her. I told her that it would not be right of me to accept it, but she was adamant that I take it. I'm sorry master, I didn't mean to upset you. I was going to tell you about it, but..."
"I'm not upset Obi-Wan, just surprised is all. Did she tell you why she wanted you to have it?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "No, but I sensed that it was very important to her and that it saddened her to let it go. Master Jerra told me I should treasure it, it may be a source of strength for us in the future. Here. This should be yours. Keyla was special to you, it's not my place to interfere." He tried to hand the smooth stone to his master, but Qui-Gon refused.
"I wish you to hold onto it, keep it close to you. For whatever reason, Keyla wanted you to have it." He reached out and closed Obi-Wan's hand around the precious stone before curling his own hand around that of his students. "For Keyla and for me, you keep it safe."
"Yes master. I will."
They continued around the apartment, Qui-Gon struggling to maintain control of his fragile emotions. Every so often he would stop and take several deep, meditating breaths. Finding his focus, he continued on. Obi-Wan had planted himself on the couch after a while, allowing his master to find whatever peace he could. He was aware of the pain the man felt as he roamed from room to room and thought it best if he provided silent support. He made himself comfortable until Qui-Gon decided it was time to depart. Obi-Wan felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up.
"Come padawan, let's go home. I think some rest is in order for both of us."
***************
The following day, Jedi Master Keyla Drass was laid to rest. Her body burned brightly on the pyre. She was one with the Force now. Obi-Wan stood quietly with his mentor until the flames had reduced the body to ashes. The procession of Knights and Council members filed out, leaving master and padawan together. It was custom for an apprentice to leave his master alone to grieve at the side of a fallen student, yet, once again, Obi-Wan feared leaving Qui-Gon's side. The Jedi Master seemed more unbalanced than ever before. It concerned the younger Knight. If Qui-Gon asked him to leave, he would honor his wishes. Otherwise, he would answer the man's silent call to stand by his side.
When Qui-Gon finally turned to leave, he did so without speaking. He wrapped an arm around his apprentice, pulled him close, and guided him home.
Once home, Qui-Gon sunk heavily into the welcoming softness of the large couch. Patting the cushion next to him, he motioned towards the young man. "Please sit padawan, I wish to speak with you for a bit."
Removing his robe, the padawan took the spot next to Qui-Gon, a bit uneasy about the seriousness of Qui-Gon's tone. "Is something troubling you master? Something beyond the funeral?"
"I want you to promise me."
Obi-Wan was confused. "Promise you what master?"
"Promise me that should you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you will come to me. You will not take matters into your own hands and follow the course of action that Keyla chose. I will always be here if you need me. Please promise me that you will seek me out, and ask for help. All you ever need to is call for me. I will never turn my back on you. You know that, don't you? Don't you?" By now, Qui-Gon had taken Obi-Wan by the shoulders and was shaking him, his hands squeezing tight. There was a desperate plea in his voice that the younger man had never heard before.
"Master, I promise you, I swear to you. I will come to you as I do now. But, you are hurting me master, please let go..."
Not realizing how tight a hold he had on the boy, Qui-Gon suddenly released. "Padawan, please forgive me. I did not mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. It's just that..."
Obi-Wan reached out and took Qui-Gons hand. "I know master. I know. You miss her, and you wonder why she refused to turn to you for help. I only wish I could provide those answers for you. But...I can't. This was her decision, her choice to make. I promise you, if I ever need anyone, I will call on you."
"And I shall answer. Never forget that. Even when I have joined the Force, I will remain with you. Keyla is gone. Xanatos is gone. You are all I have, and I do not wish to lose you." Qui-Gons eyes grew watery. "Losing a child is the most intense pain anyone can experience."
"And it's happened to you twice." The master nodded slowly. "I am here now master. You still have me. And I will do everything in my power to always be with you."
Qui-Gon hung his head as the padawan reached out to embrace him. "We should honor them both. Master Keyla and Padawan Sevar. Honor them by remembering and holding the memories close to our hearts. If we do that, they will never truly be gone."
"When did you become so wise my young apprentice?"
"Oh, I don't know. I've had a good teacher."
Smiling as he picked himself up off the couch, Qui-Gon straightened his tunic, and donned his Jedi robe.
"Would you accompany me to the candlelight service this evening? It is the first of it's kind and is memory of fallen friends and family. I would like to say goodbye. And Obi-Wan...should I ever call..."
"You know you don't have to ask. I am proud to stand with you. I am proud to call you my master and my friend. She will always be with you master, as will I." The young Jedi eyes shown with compassion as he looked up at his master, before heading up to the kitchen to prepare their meal. When he got a few feet away, he turned back to the older man. "Master?"
"Yes padawan?"
"Should you ever call...I will answer."
"My Obi-Wan." A flash of pride washed over Qui-Gon. He turned and walked softly to his bedroom. Exhausted in mind and body, he curled himself into his blankets. As he drifted off, his eyes remained glued to the holo's that adorned the nightstand. One was of he and Keyla on her Knighting day. It had been his proudest day as a master. The other holo was of he and Obi-Wan, the one who was so dear to him now. The one who would continue with him until he too reached Knighthood, and perhaps even longer. Slowly, he closed his eyes, taking in the site of his two beloved padawans...his beloved children. A feeling of contentment flowed through his being as he felt Obi-Wan's mind brush his own. An unspoken expression of caring and friendship between master and apprentice. He drifted off. An awareness of how fortunate he was to have Obi-Wan in his life, comforted him. The young man with whom he had shared the last eight years. And Force willing, that friendship and comfort would hold between them for years to come.
END