Author's Notes: So I'm starting another lengthy fic and I don't know if this is a good idea. But I've had drafts for this typed down for a pretty long time. I just didn't want to be working on two lengthy fics at the same time. Now, however, I'm getting tired of having this lying around and I've decided to really work on it.

Everything is set in an alternate universe. Also, I should mention that at times Mello might seem a bit out of character. Do bear in mind that he is ranting and just letting out his sadness. So give the guy a chance...he's just having some PMS related issues.

Another thing, I don't own Matt and Mello. They belong to Ohba and Obata. [blah blah]

Lastly, I might put this up on Archive of Our Own where I'm registered under the username OthilaOdal.

CHAPTER 1: ORPHANS

M's Computer. Date: 4th April 2009

It's like there is nowhere to run to. Everything I do seems to have consequences much greater than I desire.

And on top of that there's that feeling…The feeling that suffocates me sometimes. The realization of how alone I am. I blame it on things. Say it's just anxiety or me overthinking things. And that might be true but those things only bring to surface the truth. And the truth is that I am alone. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

Sometimes I miss him, the boy I fell in love with. Gareth. Not because I miss him as a person. When he's around I don't even want to speak to him. Killing him seems more of a viable option. But I miss not being alone. I miss the feeling I got when I was with him. I miss the warden at the orphanage waking me up from my afternoon nap, telling me there was a call for me at the phone booth room. And I didn't need to ask whose call it was. It was him. I knew it. I miss knowing that he's here. But he was here. He's no longer here. Unfortunately for myself he never took me half as seriously as I took him. I didn't mean to him half as much as he had meant to me.

I wanted to go to someone and cry about it. Cry my eyes out and just say that I really truly loved him. Not because he made me feel loved but because for the first time I found someone I was fascinated by and they seemed just as fascinated by me, loved me the same way as I loved them…or so I thought. But who could I run to? Who could I talk to? The world is cruel to people like me. Bisexuals….we have no place. Same goes for those on the end of the rainbow. The homosexuals. What's so wrong about us? I could never understand. Genders never mattered to me. Love is love and I couldn't care less where it came from. On top of all that I'm an orphan. The world is bloody cruel to us.

But I was just a momentary entertainment to him. Just some wild orphan boy with entertaining smarts. And as flattering as that is it's rather annoying that I couldn't make him stay. I was not top priority to him. I was secondary. In fact, now that I think about it, I was worse than just secondary. I was optional. It would've made no difference to him if I wouldn't have made that accidental advance at him.

And it's his fault I'm in this mess….no it's my fault. I let myself get carried away. I cared too much. I let my emotions take over me. I made it so easy for him to manipulate me and drag me into this mess. I ended up here in this Godforsaken dark hell hole. It had always been a game and he had played well.

I am an orphan. An orphan is nobody, a person with no lineage or inheritance to speak of, no family pride or anything, more importantly, no one who cares. An orphan is the best target for strong families in the underworld. They take you in and clothe you, feed you, pretend they care and just when you start caring you're off to work. They sell you and/or you sell the products. And when you see the change in their eyes, stumble upon the secrets, realize you're just a tool, it's too late. You're in neck deep and there's no way out.

Mello found himself staring blankly at the screen, scanning again and again the words that had flown through his fingers and appeared onto the screen. A deep sigh left him. He realized that his habit was pointless but he resorted to it nonetheless. He highlighted everything on the screen and tapped at the delete button and just like that his words were gone.

He got off the chair and pulled his shirt over his head, getting ready to go to bed. It was pointless writing what he wrote, because he could never tell anyone. He was neck deep and couldn't say a word, couldn't ask anyone for help. It was usually against his pride to ask for help since he knew his place in the world. He knew people like him needed to make it on their own but he couldn't help it sometimes. Sometimes he wished someone would just show up and at least hold his hand through it, just so he knew that if he fucked up someone would be there to hold him and say, 'better luck next time'.

But since he couldn't ask for fear that he might, yet again, get screwed over and end up in a bigger mess than originally intended, he typed down his worries, his thoughts, his fears and then erased them, just so that he at least felt like he had an outlet.

He reached for his phone the second he heard the ringtone go off.

"Yeah?" he spoke into it.

"Have a big gig for you." Mello rolled his eyes. 'Big gig' would merely mean he was marketing more drugs and he hoped this time it wouldn't be to fat rich suit wearing bastards. He was getting tired of the monotony. But he knew all the clients Rod sent him to were of that sort. Something about Mello having a 'smart mouth'.

"Tell me it's not a deal with that sleaze bag who owns those mental institutions."

"Nope. It's bigger than that. It's different from what you're used to so I need to be sure you can handle this."

"When have I ever let you down?"

Matt stared into the computer screen. The words he had just finished reading were gone, just like that. He hadn't had the chance to analyze or try and read between the lines and before he had known it, they were gone.

He had taken to hacking any computers or laptops connected to a network when he was very young and was a self-proclaimed master at it and he wasn't wrong. He really was a master at it. He originally started doing it to access university level libraries with ebooks and papers by scholars about softwares and networks. Recently, however, he had just started missing doing it, started missing his hobby. So he had picked up the habit of hacking random computers for the fun of it and monitor what the person behind said random computer was up to. Usually it'd be something he could later laugh about like porn or embarrassing self-hygiene issues but this time he had stumbled upon someone ranting, ranting about being alone, about being used, about the underworld, about being an orphan, about some guy. And Matt had initially laughed until the person had mentioned the word 'orphanage'.

"No….No, no, no, no." He whined tapping violently at the recovery key.

He knew it was no use. But although the words were gone and he hadn't had the time to analyze them fully, memorize them, they had left a mark on him, a curiosity, a sense of urgency. Matt was an orphan as well but had been luckier than most. He had a talent, fast fingers, what with all the gaming he was used to. And he had picked up the guitar at age twelve and had been 'discovered' at age fifteen by a music producer who got him to join a band and that's where he was, rich, famous and high on drugs.

But this person, this person whose computer he had hacked into was of the same roots which meant a total lack of roots and yet this person had ended up in a completely different world from Matt. Matt wondered what his world was like.

"Matt!" he heard a voice call from the back. It was Joey, the lead guitarist. "Do you want a doobie or not?"

"Yeah." He absent-mindedly accepted the joint. He took a deep drag, held it and slowly exhaled allowing the cannabis to take effect on him.

This person, what's wrong with this person? Matt thought. He should smoke up and have some fun, chill out a 'lil bit. And what's with all this bisexual homosexual and love bullshit? Okay I agree people shouldn't care about genders or sexuality but love? What the fuck is that shit? He needed to get laid or something. Forget it Matt. It's just a story. Don't get worked up about this. It's just a random person writing a really good story in first person. It's not a rant.

He shrugged the thought of the person but just before he turned all attention to the high the joint was giving him and his DS, he saved the IP address of the person. He might want to check back on the guy and see how the story was going.

MORAL: The walls have ears.

Author's Notes: hmm..yes end of chapter one. I'd really like to hear what you think so far. Thanks. Have a cookie.