The world isn't over yet

We've still got a chance to place our bets

We both made a little mess

Nothing our two hearts can't put back

I'll never love you less

Don't let your worries second guess

We'll start over fresh, living a life with no regrets

No Regrets by MAGIC!

/

They were done. Case closed. No court in the country would find these killers innocent. But he wasn't feeling the relief he thought he would. He could call the airline and bump his flight up to this evening, be home in time to catch the end of the Blackhawks game with his brother, see his girl, but he didn't feel the pull to get home like he probably should. The case he'd been sent to New York for had been brutal but thankfully they'd wrapped it up in just over a week. He'd enjoyed working with the Major Case Squad in New York on this one. The climate here seemed a little less hostile than in Chicago at the moment. The weather had been nicer too, spring in full swing. He half considered doing something touristy with his last twenty four hours here. Taking in the sights, spending some time near the water.

There was something else keeping him from hopping on the next flight out too. Somewhere in this city there was a tiny brunette who apparently still had a small hold on him. He'd felt the pull towards her as soon as the plane had touched down at JFK. He caught himself scanning the crowded streets on his commute from hotel room to precinct each morning and taking a second look at all the women with long brown hair while in line at the coffee shop. Not surprisingly, none of them had been her.

He hadn't realized she was still in his blood when he'd started dating Michelle seven months ago. He'd thought he'd pushed Erin out of his head. She'd left, without so much as a good bye text, and he'd quietly put his mother's ring back in the safety deposit box and focused on moving on with his life.

Then the minute Voight had called him into his office, saying he was sending Jay to New York to assist with catching their serial killer, feelings he'd buried deep started fighting for space in his head.

He'd had dinner with Michelle that evening, to say good bye. She'd pouted momentarily but he couldn't be annoyed with her, he was bailing last minute and leaving her to attend her family reunion weekend on her own after all. Then she'd suggested maybe he could make it up to her by moving in together when he got home.

It wasn't her fault he couldn't help but be pulled back to the last time, the only time he'd lived with a woman. Things with Erin had been amazing. Until they weren't. Until he'd gone and screwed it up. And just when he was about to make things right she'd disappeared. The trip down memory lane had him wondering if he was really any good at this relationship thing. Would he just mess things up with Michelle the way he had Erin? He didn't want to hurt Michelle that way. She was a sweet girl. Nat had introduced them. Actually she'd tricked Jay into a blind double date with her and Will, but he supposed he should forgive her since things had apparently worked out well so far. But would they stay that way if they moved in together?

Jay had spent the last week wondering maybe if he saw Erin, got to actually say goodbye to her, maybe he could make a real go of things with Michelle. She'd been gone a year now but apparently there was still something holding him back from fully committing to another woman.

"Hey man, bunch of us are gonna grab some grub and beers, you wanna join?" Detective Zack Mitchell called to Jay, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, sure that be great!"

/

"So what's it really like man, working in Chicago? We've heard some pretty crazy stories," Zack asked as he downed the last of his first beer. The other guys at the table turned their attention on Jay, curious if the news had it right. Was Chicago really the war zone the media made it out to be?

"Yeah man, the media makes it sound like the cops are the bad guys there. Seems like there's more blue on trial than criminals," Arnie Talley, another of NYPD's finest piped in.

"It's pretty crazy." Jay tried to laugh off their questions but truth was they were pretty close to accurate. The climate in Chicago had continued to degrade where police/civilian relations were concerned. There was little cooperation from witnesses in investigations and even less respect. The ivory tower had crumbled to political pressure and had more cops in front of review boards then they did patrolling the streets. The budget had taken a huge hit with law suits and Talley wasn't far off when he said there were more cops on trial than criminals. Intelligence was constantly in the hot seat, especially since Erin had gone off the rails with that pedophile. Voight was insufferable, trying to operate with commanders breathing down his neck and criminals who cried foul if they got within two feet of a cop. Jay hadn't realized how low his morale was until he'd spent a week on the job in another city.

He steered the conversation elsewhere, preferring to have a good natured argument over baseball, until he couldn't hide his yawns anymore. He paid the groups tab, a financial hit he'd happily taken given how good they'd treated him all week. It didn't hurt to leave things on a high note either, you never knew when you'd need to call in a favour.

"You know, we're always in need of first class detectives on our squad, you ever get tired of chiraq, give me a shout, I'll put in a word for you," Zack offered with a firm hand shake as Jay said his goodbyes.

"Thanks man, might take you up on that someday," he was surprised to hear himself say.

/

He knocked on the door again, this time a little harder, she could sleep like the dead on a Saturday morning, and shifted the coffees to his other hand while he waited. This was stupid, he shouldn't have come. It had been a year after all and he'd managed to move on, mostly. He'd just bury all those feeling and memories back where they belonged and focus on trying to make a go of things with Michelle. Besides if he'd moved on what's to say Erin hadn't too? The image of a shirtless guy making his way through Erin's apartment to see who was pounding down her door this early on a weekend had Jay's jaw clenching uncomfortably. That use to be him. Would still be him if she hadn't gone running before he could help pull her out of the mess she'd fallen into last spring.

"What my door ever do to you that deserves a scowl like that?" Her raspy voice called from behind him. Jay spun abruptly at the sound, not having heard her come up behind him, and took in every inch of her.

She looked good. Really good. She stood, running clothes painted on her even more perfectly toned body, her cheeks flush from the exertion of her workout, strands of caramel hair escaping her ponytail. She cocked an eye at him when his gaze took a second trip up and down her body.

"Since when do you run before 8am on a Saturday? Since when do you run?" Jay kicked himself for the accusation in his tone.

"A lot can change in a year," she shrugged, and stepped past him to unlock her door. She walked though, leaving it ajar so he could follow. He paused in the front entry way to remove his shoes and was disappointed to see all Erin's outdoor wear was hiding behind the closed doors of a entry closet. A stupid thing really, but he somehow needed the comfort of a messy shoe pile to prove it really was his Erin he'd just encountered.

His.

He berated himself hard for that one. She'd stopped being his a long time ago. Jay forced a picture of Michelle, her long blond curls circling her face, blues eyes smiling, into his head.

"You gonna stand their inspecting my floors all day?" She called from down the hall.

Jay instructed his feet to move further into the apartment. He took in the open concept living space and searched for signs of familiarity, finding it in small things, a framed poster, a well worn stack of books, things she'd easily packed up in her car to make the cross country trip late one evening without a backwards glance.

That thought sobered him to the reason he'd come. He was here to say goodbye and that was it. But why hadn't his appearance shaken her the way she had him? She barely seemed to acknowledge his arrival, like it was commonplace for him to turn up with coffee. It use to be, his memories reminded him.

The sound of a blender bounced off the apartment walls and Jay turned to see Erin pulling two tall glasses out of a cupboard. She clicked off the machine and filled the glasses with a fluidity of someone who did so regularly. Another change. Erin had always wrinkled her nose a smoothies saying food was meant to be chewed. Now here she was placing one on the bar in front of him while taking a healthy swig of her own.

"It's non dairy. Should keep you busy while I get cleaned up." And with that she was off in what Jay assumed was the direction of the master bath.

He took it back. Maybe he had flustered her. Erin had barely looked at him as she'd hurried off down the hall. Seems not all that much had changed after all, she was still running.

/

"I wasn't running." Erin emerged, freshly showered, wearing tight jeans and a tshirt that reminded him how perfect her curves were. He frowned at her comment. She wasn't allowed to do that anymore, read his mind like that.

"I wasn't." She reaffirmed. "It just threw me, you standing out in the hall like that. I needed a minute. And maybe a girl wants to have a shower and feel a little more human when her ex turns up unannounced looking all perfectly gorgeous."

He cocked an eye at her and they stared at each other for a few minutes. As hard as he tried to deny it, it was good to see her. He itched to pull her into a hug, give her a proper hello, but he kept his distance. He was here for closure and closure only, he reminded himself again. Still he couldn't help but notice how clear and bright her warm brown eyes were, how relaxed she seemed in this space. It was a huge contrast to the way he'd last seen her out front of the 21st district last year.

"Did you come to stare at me or is there something on your mind," she quipped, her lips turning up slightly to let him know she was trying to keep things light.

"I was in town for a case. Thought maybe I'd make sure you were still in one piece since you never bothered to return any of my calls or texts." He'd aimed to match the light tone of her voice but he could hear the underlying hurt coming through. He watched guilt, anger, and a hint of sadness flicker through Erin's eyes.

"What was there left to say?" Her tone told him she didn't seem to need the closure. But then she'd been the one to make the decision to up and leave while he was left standing holding the ring and wondering where the hell she'd disappeared too. He remembered the first days when he'd lay awake wondering if she'd fallen down a hole again and the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He finally confronted Voight and demanded answers. When he'd learned the truth his concern turned to anger and that's when he'd been able to push everything he felt for her down and get on with things.

"Not much, just yes," Jay kicked himself. This wasn't where he wanted the conversation to go, at least not straight off the bat, but apparently the hurt she'd left him with wanted out.

"What? That makes no sense."

Jay sighed at her genuine confusion. He'd come here for truth and closure, if he wanted it he'd have to be honest with her.

"I was going to ask you to marry me. Even got Will to get my mother's ring out of the safety deposit box." He kept his tone as even and light as he could.

Erin's eyes went wide and she dropped onto the stool opposite him. He waited while she processed his words.

"I didn't know," she whispered. He could hear the heartache and apology in her words. "But why? We weren't even together."

"I know but I still loved you, you were all I could think about. And I know I screwed but you were caught up in all that mess and I just thought if.."

"You wanted to save me," she shook her head like it was a bad thing. "Jay that's not the right reason to ask someone to marry you. I didn't need you to save me."

"It was more than that but you left," he reminded her.

"You left first." Her soft tone contradicted the hurt on display in her eyes. "You didn't trust me enough to help you with whatever you were going through."

"That's not true. That's not why I moved out Erin. I left to protect you." Her disbelieving look had him explaining further. "I was ashamed and confused and had no idea how to deal with what was going on in my head."

"So you ran." He didn't bother denying it. "You spent four years getting me to trust you, helping me face things I didn't want to deal with, showing you the pieces of myself I swore I'd never trust anyone with and then when things got tough for you you ran intsead of trusting me to help you carry it all. It felt like you ripped my heart out." She confessed quietly.

Jay tried. He tried to hold on to the anger he had towards her when she left Chicago but hearing her words, watching her be so vulnerable and open about her feelings, something that use to be really hard for her to do, and hearing her tell things from her point of view, had the anger fading away.

"You're right," he admitted. "Like I said I know I screwed things up but I wanted to make them right."

"And I left." She closed her eyes and Jay got the sense she understood how her disappearance made him feel. "I didn't do it to hurt you, I swear. I didn't know you were going to propose and honestly I dont know if it would have changed anything. I wasn't really given a choice. I either stayed and faced loosing my badge, maybe even criminal charges, or took the job here. It was hard, really hard to leave but I didn't think I had any reason to stay. I don't regret leaving," she admitted, her chin jutting out.

"You don't?" That stung, hearing her say she didn't regret leaving what they had behind.

He felt her eyes on him, studying. She was always too perceptive, she read people, especially him, too well.

"My heart is in Chicago, with you Jay. It probably always will be. There isn't a second of our life together I'd take back, well except the parts where I brought all kinds of unnecessary drama to your life, but leaving has been really good for me. It took some time to understand that, but I'm at peace here, free from the label of Voight's girl, the expectations I could never quite live up to and Bunny's manipulation.

And you were right, about me needing to leave something for myself. I've been taking better care of myself physically . And I've been talking to someone," she said with an embarrassed flush. "And this job, once I got over the resentment of being forced into it, it's really good, really challenging. Actually last week I got a promotion to team leader."

He forced the smile but underneith the hurt and okay, maybe a tinge of jealousy, he was happy for her. This was everything he'd always wanted for her. To see her eyes light up when she talked about her life, to see her settled and confident in who she was. He couldn't deny how attractive it was.

"I'm happy for you Erin, really, you look good." He gave her a genuine smile this time.

"Thanks," she said looking down at her hands. "You don't," she offered softly, peaking up at him under her lashes.

"What? Ten minutes ago you said I looked perfectly gorgeous!"

Erin laughed, making her eyes sparkle. "You always look perfectly gorgeous. I hated that about you some times," she chuckled. "But you don't seem as happy as I'd hoped you'd be."

"You think about me?" He gave her a charming grin. He found it easier to tease than face the truth in her observation.

"Of course Jay. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you." Her admission brought a heavy silence between them. He'd thought that too. Hadn't he just admitted he'd planned to marry her? He felt the pull as they stared at each other, not needing any more words to communicate. When the emotions became too intense Jay broke the silence with another joke.

"Maybe I should move to New York, seeing as its had such a positive effect on you," he teased. He wondered though what it would be like, living in the same city as her. Would they become friends again? Grab a beer after a long day of work to unwind? It was one of the things he missed most. Their easy friendship, the comfortable way they fit together in any situation.

"You deserve to be happy Jay. Whatever you need to do to make that happen you should do." It was uncomfortable, her being the one to offer him support. But wasn't that what they were always saying in his Veterans group? Learn to accept the support of others? He could also see his suggestion made her uncomfortable. He couldn't blame her for that. As much as he'd tried to tell himself she'd left without a care to anything she'd left behind, she'd just confirmed how much she had cared for him. "But," Erin added knowing Jay needed her to return things to the lighter side, "I wouldn't complain about having another Blackhawks fan around. These Ranger fans are pretty intense!"

Jay hummed his agreement, hadn't he just spent the last week being razzed by New York's finest over his choice in teams?

Erin's phone buzzed, interrupting the first truly comfortable moment between them. He'd almost forgotten so much time had passed when they laughed like that. She excused herself and he watched her pace across the living room on what he quickly realized was a work call. He couldn't help but notice the confidence in her voice as she gave out orders to whoever was on the other end. He picked up on her increased adrenaline and excitement, something big was about to go down. Another twinge of jealousy hit as he wished he was in on whatever action she was about to be apart of. That was quickly followed up with the realization that what he missed the most was being her partner. No matter where their personal relationship had stood, their professional one had always been rewarding.

"I'm sorry," she apologized as she clicked off the phone and crossed back to him. "I need to head out."

"Yeah, of course. I need to get packed up and to the airport anyway." Jay didn't miss the disappointment that crossed her face at his mentioning leaving town. And he didn't welcome his own feelings of disappointment either.

She walked him to the door and there was a brief moment of awkwardness before Jay leaned down for a hug. He let it last longer than he should of, caught up in the scent of her freshly washed hair and how good it felt to put his arms around her again.

She pulled away first and tried to blink away the sheen of tears in her eyes before he could see them. "Next time you're in New York," she offered.

"I'll make sure I'm here earlier, maybe join you on that run." He resisted the urge to kiss her forehead and let himself out with one last smile.

As he stepped on to the sidewalk it dawned on him that he came here to say goodbye and get closure but was leaving with all kinds of questions and ideas turning around in his head.

/

Jay glanced from the monotonous paperwork he was hunched over to his phone again. Michelle still hadn't returned his text. He'd be worrying by now if it hadn't become the new pattern with her in the three weeks he'd been back from New York. It was his fault of course. She'd insisted on meeting him at the airport when he got home, her excitement at seeing him adorable. But within minutes of settling in for the car ride back to his apartment he'd all but killed her buzz. She'd started filling him in on her master plan for them to move in together and although he cared a lot about her, he knew he wasn't ready to take this step with her. If anything, seeing Erin had pointed out what a crappy job he'd been doing taking care of himself this last year, actually a lot longer than that. His still needing weekly veteran's meetings to help him tackle ptsd, which he finally was admitting to himself he was saddled with, was proof of that.

Michelle had claimed to understand he needed more time but it didn't stop him from feeling like an asshole. And he was no idiot. He could feel she'd pulled away, where she use to blow up his phone all day now he was left waiting hours for a reply from her. Like the one he was waiting on now asking her to confirm if they were getting dinner tonight. He wasn't sure how to fix things with her or that he'd even be around to if he accepted the job offer he'd gotten out of the blue yesterday.

He'd been pulling into the district parking lot yesterday morning when his phone rang with a New York number.

"Detective Halstead? Lieutenant Fleury here."

"What can I do for you sir?" Jay asked wondering why the head of NYPD Major Crimes was calling him. He hoped there hadn't been some kind of snag with the case he'd worked in New York a few weeks back.

"A lot actually. I'm in need of a new second in command and your name keeps getting whispered in my ear. Wondering if there's any interest on your part to moving out to New York?"

Jay stuttered for a moment, surprised by the news. Words came out of his mouth before he'd had a chance to think. "There's definitely interest, but,"

"I can give you three days but then I need to move on to the next," the lieutenant correctly assessed Jay's need to take a minute and think about it.

"Thank you lieutenant. I appreciate that and the offer. I'll get back to you real soon."

He hadn't slept last night for considering the Lieutenant's offer. He'd been acutely aware of his unhappiness since he'd been back. The week he spent working in New York combined with his visit with Erin had thrown light on all the things he'd been keeping buried in the dark. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe he needed a change of scenery.

There really was nothing tying him to Chicago. His relationship with Will would survive long distance now that they had mostly repaired old wounds. Besides he knew Will would happily use the excuse of flying out to visit him for a chance to spend a weekend in New York again. Michelle wasn't even enough of a pull for him if he was being completely honest either. He cared about her, but when he thought about his long term future it wasn't her he saw at his side.

Then there was Erin. They would need to start over. Put the past behind them, build a new friendship. He wanted to get to know this new version of her and if they ever got together again they'd have to do it right. He'd take his time this time and actually take her out on real dates before they ended up in bed together. He smile at the thought. The chemistry was certainly still there when he dropped in on her unannounced. And he'd have to talk to her. He'd have to tell her about the PTSD and the things he'd said in his veterans group if he had a shot in hell of proving he did in fact trust her.

This train of thought made him angry with himself. He didn't know if Erin would even want to have that kind of relationship with him again. He didn't even know if he wanted that kind of relationship again, at least not right away. Hell there could even be someone else in her life by now. No way would she have spent the last year celibate. He certainly hadn't. But she'd also said he'd always have her heart right after she'd made it clear she didn't need taking care of anymore. And even in the short time he'd been in her apartment he could see both were true.

He pushed thoughts of Erin away. If he was going to do this he had to do it for himself and only for him. Erin couldn't be a factor in the reasons to go to New York. He didn't think he'd like looking in the mirror much if he moved cross country just to chase after a girl. Especially one he had such an intense history with.

After another sleepless night he called the lieutenant back. Fleury had been overjoyed with Jay's accepting the job offer. Voight much less so, and Michelle heartbroken, though after her initial bout of tears she'd pulled herself together and wished him luck with a chase kiss goodbye. Jay felt bad about leaving her. She'd been easy to be with and he wished nothing but the best for her. He knew it was the right thing though when after he'd closed the door behind her relief washed through him. He needed to be on his own for awhile. Jay decided to take his own advice and focus on taking care of himself.

And that's what he did.

With his brothers help he packed up and headed out to the east coast and a chance at getting back his passion.

/

He'd decided he'd been avoiding her long enough. At first it was to prove to himself that he hadn't made the move to be near her. He needed to make sure he'd done this for the right reasons. For himself. He felt like he could say that was true now.

It had taken no time at all to settle in with his new team. They were a good crew. He'd worried there'd be resentment for him taking a job they may have felt one of their own deserved but there was none. He owed Zach for that. The guy had vouched for him and went out of his way to make him feel at home here, introducing him to all the good restaurants and pubs and even letting him crash in his spare room for a couple weeks while he apartment hunted. He'd found a little place close to work making his morning commute fairly painless. He'd found himself sleeping better again and looking forward to heading into the station each morning. And he'd found a local veterans group meeting. The city's energy seem to be agreeing with him too and he enjoyed familiarizing himself with its streets on his morning runs.

Now that he'd taken a couple months to settle in and was feeling good about his decision the leave Chicago, he figured he could give in to the urge to see her. So he got up extra early Saturday morning, dressed in runners and sweats and headed the six blocks to her place.

Jay knocked on the door, then leaned back against the door jam. Within a few seconds she swung it open. She was dressed in another killer running outfit and looked like she was ready to head out. He was sure she'd gotten even more beautiful since the last time he saw her.

"Hey," he said with a casual grin.

"Hey," she replied, surprise and amusement on her face as she took in his appearance.

"Thought maybe you'd like a running partner this morning?"

She let out a small laugh that had butterflies dancing in his stomach and stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind her. "That sounds nice, but you sure you can keep up?" She teased while turning the lock in the door.

"With you?" He bantered. "Always."