My first attempt at femslash. And I actually enjoy how it turned out. Inspired by Pink Lemonade, the first Hannah/Susan fic that I read, and V-For Vendetta, for the amazing femslash story in that. The title is from Nineteen, by Tegan and Sara (one of the best bands in existance)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (duh)
She's my best friend. And I'm afraid. I'm so terribly afraid.
We'd grown up together. We met on the train ride to school our first year. It was a dream come true to both of us-we'd waited our entire lives to go. I'll never forget how she looked when she walked into my compartment. She looked scared and confused-a mirror image of myself. It was hard for us, because neither of us had any siblings, so we were alone, and we were both very quiet. And when she found me, I thought she was beautiful, and her voice was as sweet as honey. And I didn't quite understand why. And I most certainly didn't understand that I was falling in love with her
We were both put in the same house. She was sorted before me, and as I stood there, I found myself shaking with nerves. I was praying, hoping, begging; I just wanted to be with her. And when I found out I was, I nearly began to cry of happiness. And that night we watched the fire die as we talked about our lives, our families, our hopes, our dreams. We had so much in common, her and I. And I didn't know I was in love with her.
I remember spending the entire year with her. We both met other friends, but none could compare to what we had with each other. We watched the trees shed their leaves in the fall, and the snow fall in the winter. And in the spring, we watched the flowers bloom as we sat under the glowing sun. And before I knew it, it was the summer again, and a year had nearly passed. And we knew each other so well. And then we spent the summer together. And I wished the days wouldn't end. Nothing could compare to the long nights we spent under the stars. We were so young, and so innocent. But those three months passed in the blink of an eye. And I still didn't know I was in love with her.
The next year was not nearly as carefree as the first. So many students were being taken. And we were both so frightened. I remember her clinging on to me at night, her tears soaking my pajamas as I held her, trying to be strong. There were so many nights when she'd sleep in my bed with me, because she was too afraid to sleep alone. And she'd curl up next to me and fall fast asleep, and I'd listen to her easy breathing until I, too, could fall asleep. And yet the year still went by so quickly, and the summer even quicker than the first. And I still didn't know I was in love with her.
The third year was when we began to notice boys. And they noticed us. And before we knew it, we were asked to go on our first date-a double, with each other. And we went into the dating world the same way we had started so many other things-together. Times began to get even darker. And even though she was with the boy of her dreams, and I with mine, she still always turned to me for comfort, and I'd always stay strong for her. Even in the summer, we seemed to spend more time with each other than we did with our boyfriends. And I still didn't know I was in love with her.
Fourth year started out a lot like the first-we were all so carefree. And I think that's when we all truly grew up. And she had so much fun with Ernie, and I with Justin, but nothing could compare to the time we spent together. And then there was the Yule Ball. And that was when everything changed. We spent weeks preparing. We were both so excited. And we helped each other get ready that night. But when she came out in her beautiful silver dress robes, the world stopped for me. Her gorgeous, silky blonde hair was in curls, and she looked so lovely, and mature, and so many other things I couldn't even put into words. And it was in that moment that I knew I was in love with her. It was like having a bomb dropped into my perfect world. And now everything was upside down, and I was scared, and confused, but also so much understanding. And I knew why I'd rather spend time with her than Justin. And why I occasionally found myself longing for those nights when she'd curl up next to me and sleep. And why she was the most important thing in my world. And when she asked, "How do I look?" in her soft, sweet voice, I wanted to grab her, and touch her, and kiss her, and have her be all mine. But instead I watched as she disappeared into Ernie's arms a minute later. And I struggled not to cry the entire night, and when I was alone in my bed, silent tears quickly sprung from my eyes, and streamed down my cheeks until dawn. I was terrified and hurt, and not even my best friend could help me anymore.
The next year and a half was so difficult. Every living moment I ached to touch her. And instead I used Justin, because although I felt terrible, it was better to have him than no one at all. But whenever I saw her wrapped in Ernie's arms, I could hardly bare it. And I never got used to it. I wanted her so badly, and it only got worse. And as times got even harder, she still found comfort only in my arms. And I struggled to stay strong for her, because it tore the already broken pieces of my heard to see her cry. And I loved her. Every bit of her.
Soon enough, it was the end of our fifth year. And our relationships had finally ended. Justin broke up with me, because he said I just wasn't the same anymore. And I cried into her arms for once that night, because even though I didn't love him, I didn't have anyone anymore. And it felt so good to be held by her. And a few weeks later, she broke up with Ernie, for only being interested in having sex. And that summer we were all alone again, and those moonlit nights drove me crazy with want and need.
And now, as I watch the last flickering embers die in the fireplace, I'm amazed. It's been six years as of today. And I know I have to tell her. I may ruin everything. I'd lose a best friend. I'd lose the woman I love. But I need to know. I can't live with myself knowing I never tried.
"Hannah?" I whisper into the silence. She turns her beautiful head towards me, her face only half-illuminated by the fire.
"Yes? She replies. I can almost hear my heart racing. I have to remind myself to keep breathing. And, most importantly, I have to keep convincing myself that this is the right thing to do.
"I-" I stop. This is wrong. I can't do this. And then she puts her hand on my shoulder, and I turn to face her.
"What is it, Susan?" she asks sweetly.
Her deep, amber eyes seem to be almost glowing in the light. And as I stare into them, I think about everything all at once. All that had happened. All that I feel. And suddenly I find that automatically, without ever having thought to speak, I'm saying, "I love you. And I've always loved you. And I love everything about you. I love how your hair shines in the sunlight, and how your eyes glow in the moonlight. And how you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And how you really seem to get me, in a way no one else does." It all seems to rush out so fast, but I can't stop or slow down. "And how you're the kindest, sweetest person in the world. And how you always smell like flowers and honey. And how you're absolutely brilliant. And-" But I cannot finish, for her lips are on mine. And I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and I wholeheartedly kiss her back. My hands tangle in her soft hair, and she does the same to me. And we only break apart to breathe, and when we do, she says things, like, "I love you," and, "I've waited so long." And I'm too happy for words. And as we open our mouths, and our tongues entangle with one another, I ravish the feeling of finally being able to touch her, to taste her, to smell her, to have her love. And this moment, everything stops once again. And I know I never want to be with anyone else ever again.
Fin