Happy holidays and welcome to the belated season start of Jayfeather. Sorry it may not have been as funny as usual due to my time restraints and having the other three authors – Brightclaw, Leopardpool and Bramblepath unavailable. And I'm sorry my other stories are not being updated due to school and because Brightclaw is being uncooperative over 'the pain of wounds' which I want to strip and rewrite due to an overall horrible plot transitions and unclear writing. I also have a poll for favorite story so please go vote!
Please enjoy and review.!
Characters list:Today's cast: Warriors: Jayfeather, Tigerheart , Yellowfang, Brokentail, Hawkfrost.
GGH: Twilight, Otuhlissa
Sight:Tarlar, Larka
TLK: Tana
Original characters!: Saffron and Inferno. Tana.
Misc characters: a lot....
Author insertions: Brightclaw, Mosshadow, and Leopardpool(I haven't asked Bramblepath for this season)
Crew: aux camera : Leopardpool
Camera : Lionblaze
Sound: Silverstream
Lights : Soren(GGH)
Teleprompter(aka guy who gives the lines) : Slavka(sight)
special effects (SFX) : Inuyasha(Inuyasha Manga)
Janitor(Aka guy who cleans up all the blood) : Methuselah(redwall)
Disclamer : characters Tana, Saffron and Inferno are used under permission of Longsharpfangs and Tearthgrll
Welcome back to Jayfeather talk season 2. This time we are doing a broad spectrum of actuall discussions. Lots of laughs and Happy Holidays!
Episode:1 season 2 : Christmas and Religious Persecution.
"Here we go again," muttered Jayfeather as he stepped out of the medicine cat den. "I wonder which fanfiction authors is going to abuse me today, Damn, I hope this isn't for a M fic, getting raped by Tigerstar in graphic detail isn't too fun." He looked around at all his friends waking up in the camp. Brightheart looked anxious as she read a letter asking her to come for a 'break up' fic with Cloudtail.
Firestar was having his umpteenth 'gay with gray' story. Jayfeather personally thought that Firestar's love of his former deputy was real, why else had at least a hundred authors put that in somewhere?
"Hey look guys there he is!" Shouted an all too familiar voice. Jayfeather turned in the general direction of the three fanfiction authors looking for him.
"Oh starclan, it's you three noobs again ," he cried in exasperation.
"Yep, here we go again ,!" Cheered Brightclaw as she gave Jayfeather the well known death hug that broke all of his ribs. "We finally got the stage fixed in time for Christmas! YAAAY! "
"Oh starclan, "muttered the blind cat wearily...
Backstage-----
Larka: Hi Jay!
Tarlar: oh hey!
Jayfeather: *Groan* Annoying wolf again...now she brought a sister in law..... great...
Inuyasha : oh wow, we like need to be with a mortal cripple now ?
Mosshadow: be nice!
Inuyasha: or?
Brightclaw:*smiles* SIT!
Inuyasha:AH!*gets slammed into the ground* great, first Kagome and now you.....
Saffron: yo!
Inferno: greetings !
Jayfeather: more of Larka's relatives..... great....
Tarlar(whispering to Larka) : This talk show guy isn't very friendly is he?
Larka: he's just upset because his sister committed suicide after murdering his pack mate.
Tarlar: oh so thats why he's so emo...
Saffron: but this show will get more fun later on.....just remember to pack medical supplies.
Tarlar: Why?
Saffron: I suppose you never been in a Parody show? It's all about violence, bombs and running around with pitchforks!
Hawkfrost: YEAH! FORKS!!
Inuyasha(Muttering): Mortals......
Inferno: You're half-mortal in the first place.
Inuyasha: *looks at Inferno* Oh great , another demon, by any chance have you seen a little glowing pinkish gem shard anywhere?
Inferno: *looks confused* You mean this? It's more of a big gem than a shard, I got it for my birthday. It's got a label that reads : Jewel of the 4 souls.... looks like some tourist crap.
Inuyasha: OMIGOD ! GIVE IT ! *runs toward Inferno and grabs jewel*hmmm …..*waits* grrr , nothing happened!
Inferno:*Looks even more confused*
Inuyasha: yeah.... it is a piece of tourist s*censored*. *smashes crystal*.
Inferno: what! That was from my mate!
Inuyasha: what ever....
Inferno: GRRRR!
Meanwhile-----
Slavka(mutters): idiots....
The sound of screams and some one being clawed to pieces can be heard in the background.
Brokentail and Hawkfrost stare silently at Jayfeather.
Jayfeather:*sniffs air* oh god, it's you two. *back pedals franticly *
Brokentail(evilly) : aww, is da poor blind cripple scared of some widdle spwits?
Hawkfrost : oh yessssss! I think he is ! *puts paw on Jayfeather's neck*
Brightclaw: Omigod! A bomb!
Hawkfrost+ Brokentail: AHHHH!
In their surprise the two cats run into Brightclaw who give them, THE DEATH HUG! After a few moments they fall to the ground having broken several bones and rupturing multiple organs.
Brokentail: oh ….. my liver,.... I think it's broken. And my tail …. oh it hurts .. like pie!
Leopardpool: here we go again with that repetitive joke.
Silverstream : Hawkfrost looks pretty ok to me.
Saffron: um.... he's lying in a pool of blood with his organs OUTSIDE his body.
Jayfeather: let them die..
Larka: what! Thats so cruel! *grabs the remote*
Jayfeather: but they are evil psychopaths....
The wolf ignores Jayfeather and presses the heal button of the remote which as you should recall quickly healed both animals in a beam of green light.
Methuselah: yah youngsters know, in the Redwall fandom our remotes have touch screens and weapons included too.
Larka: who needs weapons? This is Christmas time ! It's all about peace and forgiveness!
Hawkfrost: and presents!
Larka: thats just what the toy companies want you to think. It's the time of forgiveness!
Saffron: Yeah, you'd forgive any one, even if they got you killed....
Larka : *slap!*
Saffron: Why you *Slaps back*
Larka: *Sla--*
Saffron: *Counter slap*
Larka: *Slap* *SLAP* SLAP*....
Saffron: ow ! B*censored*
Graystripe:*appears from nowhere* Slap FIGHT!!
At that point Tigerheart and Tana arrive and Yellowfang comes in with a coffee mug. Half of the cast is slapping each other.
Tigerheart : Hey people. Wow, you guys look slap happy! *ducks knife* AH!
He runs up and hugs everyone while doing slaps and and knives and ….. *the narrator looks surprised* uh....cow dung... don't ask ….
Readers: *look confused*
Narrator: just shut it!
Brightclaw: man! I love getting hugged!
Larka: I love love in general!
Tana: hi guys, glad to be here.
Yellowfang: what ever... wait till I finish my coffee.
Brokentail: give me that coffee!
Yellowfang: what! Hell no !
Brokentail: I'll have to take that by force then! MU HA HA AH HA HA !!
Leopardpool: you love typing in those words don't you Moss?
Mosshadow: hey, it's fun.* trips Brokentail*
Brokentail: *falls* NOOO no coffee!
Yellowfang: my son is an idiot! *sighs*
Leopardpool: happy Christmas!
Saffron: I'm Wiccan I don't celebrate Christmas.*holds up pentagram necklace*
Tigerheart: you mean the cult that involves dancing around naked?
Saffron: well that part doesn't really matter if you are an animal. And we celebrate Yuletide instead of Christmas.
Tigerheart: Whats that?
Inferno: we sit at home and burn a special log...
Tigerheart: uh..... thats it?
Saffron: yeah... it's boring.
Mosshadow: but other religions combine it with Christmas . It's 2 days before Christmas eve anyway. Other countries celebrate it for a month.
Tigerheart: presents and burning stuff.... that sounds cool.
Saffron: yeah , we end up going to Larka's place any way for Christmas. I got this necklace last year.
Tigerheart: thats kinda ironic but okay....
Jayfeather: okay, you guys better get to the cameras. Where's Lionblaze? He's main camera! And Twilight and Otuhlissa? And Soren?
Meanwhile-----
Author of Guardians of Ga'hoole (Kathyrn Lasky): I'm afraid you guys can't go cross fandom today.
Soren : why?
Author: because, it's cookie making time!
Twilight: but!!!
Author: no buts! Lets get baking! See? The cookies are Soren and Gylfie shaped!
All the owls: GRRRR
Bubo: great , now we can teach all them young'uns to be cannibals... *sighs and headbashes*.
Back at the studio----
Brokentail: Ah' hold da camera!
Hawkfrost: Ooooo! Me do da lights bro !
Jayfeather: uh sure.... *thinks* Whew, I'll be far from them now!
Saffron: you people have pathetic gangster accents!
Hawkfrost: *gasp* He insulted da gangsta way!
Brokentail: he dink we ain't no crypts an' bloods!
Hawkfrost: gangsta powa's unite! Yo gonna get anally raped bro!
The two cats run at Saffron.
Saffron: *sighs* fools... *does matrix style back flip and pulls out dual Uzis* Yo be going down!
Hawkfrost: Gasp! He got da gangsta guns!
Brokentail: ya bro! He gots too mother*Censored*ing guns!
Saffron: thats right you moth*censoresds*ers *shoots both*
Hawkfrost: oh gods ! He got mah mother*censored*er ! How will I rape children any more ?!*falls dead*
Saffron: you just got f*censored*ed *blows tips of guns*.
Larka: ENOUGH! *snatches guns and revives the cats*
Saffron: give me my mother*censored*ers!
Hawkfrost: oh my *censored* .
Tana: this is awkward.
Saffron: do you even have *censored* ? Hawkfrost?
Hawkfrost: of course I have *censored * mine are bigger than yours!
Saffron: *throws knife*
Hawkfrost: OH GOD! *clutches crotch area* that hurt! *collapses*.
Larka: *headbashes* relatives...
Mosshadow: ok guys time to go onstage. Stay here Brightclaw. And clean up all that blood Methuselah!
Janitor: you foolish youngsters! Leaving your blood all over the floor!
Brightclaw: what! Last season we could go on stage!
Mosshadow: yeah and you hyper hugged everyone! We can't have you breaking every ones ribs.
Brightclaw: *pouts* fine give me that coke!
Tigerheart: yay, stage time ! Come on guys!
Tana(happily): Yay!
Larka runs out with them.
Inuyasha: why do I have to be stuck with all these annoying cross fandom people, and the narrator is a noob!
Narrator: Whoa, don't break the fourth wall!
Inuyasha: *throws rock*
Narrator: damn you ! My eye! Stupid b*censored*.
Jayfeather: sighs....
On stage----
Jayfeather; *takes deep breath* ok...
The lights strobe and flash.
Everyone: Welcome to JAYFEATHER TALK!!
Audience: *claps! *
Jayfeather: today instead of doing interviews we shall be discussing a topic that relates to fiction.
Larka: and that topic is...* looks at paper* BOOK banning!
Yellowfang: gasps! Book banning ! Oh the horror!
Inuyasha(in Control room): what ever...
Saffron: buts it's not like any of us has gotten banned.
Mosshadow: but a lot of book have been banned in some districts or countries.
Tana: wow really? Like what?
Yellowfang: Harry Potter.
Everyone: what ! NOOO!
Yellowfang: it's true! It's been challenged hundreds of times because it contains sorcery and witchcraft.
Saffron: thats just retarded , I mean it's not real and it's not like they ask readers to go and start practicing it. Theres nothing that says : go and summon the devil or some crap!
Generic Priest: hey look ! It's a Wiccan!
Saffron: huh? *sees Priest* oh hey dude!
Inferno: uh oh
Generic Priest: Oh gods! He's seen me ! Attack!
Angry Villagers : Burn the witch! *all chase after Inferno and Saffron with pitchforks and torches*
Saffron and Inferno run out the back door.
Priest; omigod! Burn them! Yeah! Go arson!! Yeah holiness and all that!
Yellowfang: uh...
Jayfeather: whatever, continue .
Tarlar: but they are being persecuted!
Jayfeather: why should I care?!
Tigerheart: I'll go after them.
Tana : any way go on!
Yellowfang: well , it gets challenged because some people say children are vulnerable because they are more impressionable these days.
Mosshadow: which does make a lot of sense actually. Lets play the video.
Inuyasha: *presses button on remote that turns on the large 'Oprah' style televisio.
Video----
two kits are playing on a Xbox
Kit 1 : omigod , killing aliens is sooooo cool!
Kit 2: yeah it's so fun to kill convenant soldiers. Imagine if we could kill people in real life, how cool would that be?
Kit 3:*enters* What is your problem dodo brains?*wacks kit 2* killing is a bad thing!
Kit1 : says who?
Kit3 ; says THE BOOK! *Holds up generic religious text/scrolls* This shows REALITY!
Kit 2: no! That aint true. We can kill !
Kit 3 : killing is bad ! Love thy enemy!
Kit2: fool! *Jumps on kit 3 and kills violently*
Next video--
Kit1 : *reads harry potter* OOHHH magic!
Kit2 : cool ! Look I made a wand! *holds wand*
Kit3: gasp! You fools ! magic is sin! You will burn in Hell/purgatory/really boring /painful place.*holds up generic religious text* believe In this and only this!
Kit2 ; aw come on , it whats wrong with magic!
Kit 3; it is against 'generic deity' !
Kit 1 : aww come on sissy! *waves wand*
the wand sparkles and and massive crack opens In the ground!
Kit 3: oh noes! You have opened up hell/purgatory/generic firey burny place I can no longer save you sinners!
Kit 1 + kit 2 : AHHHH! * are dragged into portal by generic devil/demon/evil spirits/ something really unpleasant * HELP US!
Kit 3: sorry …. you got what you deserved! Now burn baby!
end of video-----
Tarlar: wow, that was disturbing.
Jayfeather: I heard that guy dying... yuck....
Yellowfang: and thats what they argue....
Tana: *rolls eyes* their parents can just not let them read the frikin book? They don't need to ban it.
Mosshadow: yeah thats true.
Tana: besides, there something called the first amendment!
Yellowfang: not every one is american!
Mosshadow: according to my charts I get about 70% americans.
Tarlar: in Romania we have freedom of expression, according to Title II article 30, Any censorship will be prohibited , No publication shall be suppressed!
Mosshadow: I actually get some Romanians reading these fics too !
Jayfeather: But you don't have freedom of expression in England, thats why they can break up protests .
Mosshadow: and they shot this guy because he was wearing a big jacket. They thought he had a bomb!
Tana ; off topic!
Saffron: *runs in * pant, oh man, crazy villagers can sure run fast!
Inferno: yeah;....
Mosshadow: uh since you guys are demons fire doesn't hurt you so why don't you let them just burn you at the stake and pretend to die?
Saffron: thats cause they changed there minds!
Tana: Huh?
Crazy villagers: DROWN THE WITCH ! *all run in carrying buckets of water*
Inferno:AHH! Gotta run! *runs out main door with Saffron*
Control room----
Silverstream: *sigh* looks like we have a lot of persecution today.
Inuyasha: what ever b*Censored*
(Bleeps only come on when they are camera)
Sesshomaru: *comes in* hey.
Inuyasha: *turns around* *anime sweats* oh s*censored* I guess you're here to kill me as usual
Sesshomaru: Hell yeah Ba*Censored*
Inuyasha: AHHHH! *runs around room*
Sesshomaru: *chases* I'm gonna get you !
Inuyasha: AHHH! However you've like tried this a million time! ACK! *ducks attack*
Readers: oh gods... looks like the randomness is starting.
Silverstream: Yikes! *Hides behind chair*
Slavka: ahh! *hides with Silverstream* Damn these stupid humans!
Kikyo: *comes in* Omigod! Inuyasha you sonofa*censored* *begins trying to shoot Inuyasha with her bow*
Brightclaw:(She is holding the auxiliary camera which is positioned behind the glass window behind the audience in the control room) YAY my favorites! *hugs Inuyasha, Sesshomaru, and Kikyo* I love all of you japanese peoples! YAY! *HUGS EVEN MORE!*
Everyone being hugged: arghhhh!
Jaken: he he , master is getting hugged by a mortal!
Sesshomaru: f*censored* you ! * steps on Jaken*
Jaken: AHH! Not again!
Hawkfrost: *hiding behind the light system console* hey is that a mouse?
Jaken: AHH ! I'm notta a mouse you british foo--(Hawkfrost grabs Jaken and bites off his head )
Leopardpool: *comes back with a cup of green tea* Get off my camera Brightclaw---*sees everyone being hugged* uh oh........
Miroku:*enters* OMIGOD! Some one please bear my children!
Everyone: GULP!
Inuyasha: oh s*Censored* not you again!
Miroku: come on ! I need make some one pregnant already!
Everyone: AHHHH! *all run out by smashing through the glass window*
On stage---
Yellowfang: …..and so that is why they wanted to ban A Brave New World .
Mosshadow: wow , all because of a little homosexuality?
Tana: eh... that is a little freaky having the main character commit suicide but I don't see why they try to ban it when it just showing us how the world is becoming screwed up. 30 years later the author said that he felt the world was becoming a lot like the Dystopian world he envisioned in the novel right?
Mosshadow: yeah , because people aren't liking books and knowledge any more, they get obsessed with food and video games.
Jayfeather: hey you play a lot of video games!
Mosshadow: only on the weekends , my friends play 6 hours a day! Straight!
Tarlar: serious?!
Mosshadow: yeah, I have no idea how they do it! How do you play 6 hours without your eyes going blind?
There is a shattering sound from the back of the audience as several people and animals run out of the control room screaming.
Tana: can we go on to a different topic? It's getting kinda boring.
Jayfeather: well , we can start putting up the Christmas tree!
Larka: sweet! *Runs to pull a big box from off stage. *
Tarlar: erm by the way, why is the electronics crew running around being chased by this Buddhist dude?
Meanwhile---
Miroku: dammit ! You jerks don't want to bear my children ,me and my *censored* will be going elsewhere!
Silverstream: oh star clan!
Inuyasha: whew....!
Sesshomaru: I gonna kill you now b*censored*!
Inuyasha: *VERY LONG STREAM OF CURSE WORDS**runs out door being chased by Sesshomaru and Kikyo*
Silverstream: hmmph.... twolegs.... always try to kill each other!
Stage----
Larka: *opens box with claws* okay lets start assembling the tree.
Jayfeather: hey look ! The manual is in braille! (Braille is the language for blind people)
Mosshadow:*grabs the top section of the tree* this shouldn't take long.....
Tarlar: hey whats this? *Licks an electrical outlet*
Larka: NOOO!
Sounds of Tarlar being electrocuted: SIZZLE ! ZAP ! YAHHHHH!! *More horrible screams*
Tarlar staggers aways with her fur smoking .
Jayfeather: didn't you notice the large sign that says Caution! High Voltage!
Tarlar: *cough* it.... was in …. Chinese...
Leopardpool: oops, I forgot that we weren't in Chinese class.
Tarlar: It's alright... *Cough* *Collapses*
Larka: noo! *runs up*
Tarlar: I'm okay! Just give me a rest! *coughs blood*
Tana: uh sure.....yeah...
Leopardpool: lets use the commercial break....
Mosshadow: nahh lets cut.
Jalgan(Evilly): *comes in* why hello Larka and dear Tarlar... it rather pleasant meeting you today.
Tana: uh who's that?
Tarlar: dammit! My Ex!
Jalgan: I shall now have revenge on you ! MYHA HA HA HA !!!
Larka: *rolls eyes* here we go again! *grabs Tarlar and runs out door*
Meanwhile, in the dark forest----
Tigerstar: BWHA HA HA !!
He and Clawface are standing by a massive diabolical machine
Clawface: sooo, great master, what does this machine do?
Tigerstar: it causes randomness! HA HA HA HAAA!
Clawface: so?
Tigerstar: well … erm... we have it and it's evil so why not use it?
Clawface: erm.....
Tigerstar: any way... LET RANDOMNESS RULE!!!!!!! *presses button*
Machines: randomness activated, count down commence.... 3 ….2......1 BEEP!
Studio----
Mosshadow: okay , Brokentail and Leopardpool, we're off the air, turn off the cameras!
Brokentail: okay boss! You da mahn!
Mosshadow: *sighs*
Yellowfang(Suddenly): OMIGOD! I FORGOT TO BUY THE EGGNOG! NOOOO!! *RUNS AROUND SCREAMING*
TANA: PIE ! PIE ! PIE! PIE! …
Mosshadow: WTF? Whats going guys?!
Silverstream: I'm to sexy for mah fur ! Too sexy fo---
Jayfeather: *Unaffected* whats all this sudden randomness?!
Graystripe: OMIGAWDDDDDDDDDD! SILVY! *GRABS Silverstream and they begin making out in front of everyone*
Audience:*goes crazy and begins blowing/hacking/burning stuff*
Mosshadow: AHH! Lets get out of here! *runs with all the remaining sane people*
The end!
Review people!