The first time Kurt visits his mother in the hospital he's thirteen and he almost can't bear to look at her. Her face is bloated and pale and there is tube stuck down her throat. Her arms have been placed gently on top of the sheets on each side of her body and there's tubes sticking out from under the blanket they have used to cover her with. And even though she's been sick before, it's different now. So very different.

He can feel a steady pressure building behind his eyes and suddenly he feels ashamed. He doesn't want to cry here, not when his dad is looking more tired than Kurt has ever seen him and the nurses are flitting in and out of the room. So he tries desperately not to look at her, not to cry, choosing instead to look at the various tubes and machines that are keeping her alive. The biggest (and noisiest) machine is the only one he actually has the slightest idea how works, because the doctor had sat him down and explained it to him in gentle, simple words. As far as he had understood, the machine was cleaning her blood so the kidneys didn't have to work so hard, or something like that. Dialysis, he thinks they called it.

There are other things connected to her as well. Disgusting things. And Kurt almost throws up once he realizes what the two bags at the end of her bed is. He should have thought about it, it's not like she can actually go to the toilet while she's unconscious, but still. It's his mom. She's not supposed to helpless like this.

Kurt is so focused on his own thoughts that he doesn't even realize his dad has moved closer to him before he feels a warm weight his shoulder and his dad is whispering into his ear. His big, strong father who was sobbing into his hands not twenty minutes ago.

"It's okay to cry, Kurt"

And that is all it takes. Before he knows it he is crying, sobbing, and clutching his mothers hand to his chest. Desperately hoping for her to wake up, too look at him, to hold him. Anything. Because he just isn't ready to lose her yet. It's too soon. He's too young. She's too young.

He can feel his father embracing him from behind, kissing his hair and murmuring reassuring words. It's going to okay, he says. It'll be alright. Kurt doesn't believe him, but he stays quiet anyway. Because even though he doesn't believe his father right now he wants it too be true more than he has ever wanted anything in his entire life.

Eventually Kurt stops crying and Burt drives them both home. After brewing a cup of hot chocolate his father sits him down and explains the situation to him. Kurt learns that all of this is caused by his mother's diabetes acting up. She'd gotten a serious infection that had caused liquid to gather around her lungs and heart, and at the same time, her kidneys had started failing. And because of her diabetes, her body was having trouble keeping the infections away. The doctors were going to go all out with medicine and twenty-four hour dialysis to see if they could stop the infection, but if she didn't get better in a few days, she probably wouldn't get better at all.

After that Kurt is left alone to digest the information, and there is one thing that stands out in what his father's just told him. This was caused by diabetes. Diabetes. His mother had always been chubby, and Kurt had always known that she had the illness. But she wasn't really fat or anything and she had type two, which was supposed to be the least dangerous one, right? To be honest Kurt thought that his mother would be fine as long as she didn't become grossly obese. Clearly, he had been wrong because now she was in the hospital. Dying.

That night Kurt sits on his laptop the entire night looking up information on diabetes and the results are staggering.

"..we know today that genetics have a far stronger influence in type 2 diabetes than in type 1 diabetes."

"…Diabetes is a serious condition"

"… if it is not well controlled it can lead to problems with blood pressure, the circulation, and trouble with the diabetic retinopathy and the kidneys."

"…There is also a strong inheritable genetic connection in type 2 diabetes: having relatives (especially first degree) with type 2 increases risks of developing type 2 diabetes very substantially."

He continues by frantically looking into how to prevent it, and realizes that he needs to avoid sugar and calories. He doesn't quite understand how it works, but he knows that sugar gives you diabetes and calories make you fat. He writes up a list of safe food in his diary and all the calories they contain. Cucumbers and celery is good, chocolate and pizza is bad. Kurt then goes through the entire kitchen checking out what food is all right to eat and what isn't. And all the things that don't have the calories written on them he writes down, so he can check it out later.

He's found this great site on the net where you can ask people how many calories things has and they'll answer right away. It's one of those sites that he's been warned about in school. ProAna, they call it, and it's supposedly dangerous. Kurt figures it's alright, though. After all he isn't anorexic and he is only looking to become a little healthier. Lose some weight. He writes down a few of the diets written on the page before turning off the computer and getting ready for bed. He washes his face and goes through his moisturizing routine like normal. He then proceeds to take off all his clothes and for the first time in his life Kurt looks at himself in the mirror and sees only fat. His hips are too big and his stomach is disgusting and flabby. The bullies at school is right, he thinks; he is chubby. In fact, he looks a lot like his mother. And suddenly that thought terrifies him.

He needs to get healthier.

Better.

Skinnier.