The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been stolen. I wonder who did that? More meeting madness as the gang tries to figure out how to make it in Hollywood. And are willing to do whatever it takes to do it. And I mean whatever it takes.
Fisherman's Daughter Five: Tentacle Vice
"All right listen up!" Cyril called the meeting to order with a tone of newfound authority.
"Like we have a choice?" Archer groaned before he took a drink of scotch. The gang was all in the waiting room sitting on chairs and couches. None of them were thrilled to be there.
"What's the reason you're bitching at us now, Cyril?" Pam asked.
"This meeting is to figure out ways we can improve our agency and get more clients!" Cyril told them. "So I need those of you that have some working brain cells to help me think of them. The rest of you…And I admit that is a larger number than the ones with working brain cells do the best you can!"
"Wow, Ms. Archer is dead," Pam quipped. "Long live the new Ms. Archer!"
"Do I sound like that when I run the meetings?" Mallory asked. "God no wonder you people hate them!"
"We did and we still do," Pam told her.
"Cyril does have a point though," Lana spoke up. "We do need to get some real clients for this agency. We can't just sit around and wait for Shapiro to recommend people to us."
"Technically we do have one client that pays regularly," Cyril pointed out. "By the way Cheryl your check cleared so thank you for that."
"You're welcome!" Cheryl grinned as she held a glue bottle in her hands.
"Oh right," Archer remembered. "She pays us every month for protection money."
"He! He! He!" Cheryl giggled as she took an extra-long sniff of gooey glue.
"Fortunately there's a clause in the contract that says we can only do so much to protect her from herself," Cyril rolled his eyes. "Still we need new business. Badly. This private detective agency isn't taking off as fast as I thought it would."
"Gee I wonder why?" Lana said sarcastically.
"Don't start with this Lana!" Cyril snapped.
"I mean, why wouldn't the richest and most elite people of Los Angeles come knocking at our door when people barely know us here?" Lana went on. "Or worse…know about us because they did a background check!"
"Lana unless you have something productive to say, shut the hell up!" Cyril shouted with newfound courage.
"Yes Lana! Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"What?" Lana was stunned. She turned to Mallory. "You're on his side?"
"On this subject, yes!" Mallory snapped.
Archer looked at his mother. "You're just pissed off that we're dating again and hid it from you!"
"Technically I'm pissed off at you two or a number of reasons," Mallory glared at him. "Mostly losing our jobs as spies and getting the CIA to blacklist us. But yes, that is in the top ten!"
"Ten?" Ray asked. "I thought that would be in your top five list?"
"It would be if not for a few other instances in the past," Mallory growled. "Which I will not go into now…Because it's still too painful!"
"Oh for Christ's sake!" Archer groaned. "I didn't kill your stupid dog!"
"Maybe not but you weren't exactly helpful during that difficult time in my life!" Mallory shouted.
"It's not my fault that stupid dog ate chocolate out of the garbage can," Archer barked. "Which one of your idiot friends brought! I'm pretty sure that was Trudy Beekman."
"No, I ruled her out as a suspect a long time ago," Mallory grumbled. "For one thing Beekman would never throw away a full box of chocolate. A completely empty box yes…But not a full one."
"As much as I'd love to continue listening in on the love triangle between Archer, Lana and his mother…Can we please get back to the topic at hand?" Cyril snapped. "How we are going to drum up more business for the agency?"
"I'd like to say something if I may," Krieger spoke up. "I've restarted my Algersoft company again and I'm already making a small profit which I am reinvesting in my lab. So you don't have to worry about extra funding there."
"Algersoft? Wait you mean you're making more robot hands?" Ray asked.
"Among other things," Krieger shrugged.
"Please tell me you are not making more cyborgs!" Archer barked.
"No! No! No!" Krieger shook his head. "I'm focusing on other projects now. Pam has been helping me with some projects and we foresee some nice little revenue in the future."
"Pam? What would Pam be…?" Lana blinked. Then it hit her. "Oh dear God! You're making more of that animated porn crap aren't you?"
"Pretty much yes," Krieger admitted. "But now the writing is really getting good!"
"Fisherman's Daughter Five: Tentacle Vice!" Pam said cheerfully.
"I guess if it does as well as Fisherman's Daughter Four: The Tentacle That Loved Me…" Cyril sighed.
"Seriously Cyril?" Lana shouted. "Animated porn? You are actually letting Krieger and Pam sell animated porn to keep this agency afloat?"
"And you're complaining about it," Cheryl drawled. She looked at a non-existent fourth wall. "Pretty ironic isn't it?"
"Who are you talking to?" Pam asked Cheryl.
"The fourth wall!" Cheryl pointed at the wall.
Pam looked and saw nothing but an actual wall with pictures. "Okay sweetie…" Pam took away Cheryl's glue. "I think you should lay off the glue for a while."
"Yeah I think this one is busted," Cheryl admitted. "I'm not getting the usual buzz off it."
"Trust me, you're buzzed enough," Pam groaned.
"And I'm the one who's worried about my sanity?" Ray groaned.
"Kind of a moot point if you think about it," Archer commented.
"Can you idiots please stop dicking around and shut up!" Mallory groaned.
"Well what about you Ms. Archer? Why don't you call some more of your contacts?" Cyril asked.
"What do you think I've been trying to do for the past few months?" Mallory snapped.
"Besides drink yourself into a coma?" Cheryl quipped.
"I have managed to score one minor mission," Mallory spoke up. "This afternoon I paid a visit to my old finishing school teacher Mrs. Evans. Well she used to be my teacher until she got married to a wealthy businessman."
"You have a teacher that's still alive?" Cheryl asked. "What is she? The world's oldest cavewoman? Ha! Ha!"
"Shut up, Olivia Glue-ton John!" Mallory snapped. "Anyway she's still alive and still wealthy. Even wealthier since her husband died and her disappointment of a son moved away to Singapore and doesn't write. But sends her checks instead of calling her. Long story short…"
"Too late," Archer quipped.
"I managed to get a small job from her," Mallory went on. "Apparently her cat Mr. Mittens has run off and is missing. So I said our agency could handle it."
"And you didn't think to ask me first?" Cyril snapped.
"Oh I'm so sorry," Mallory said sarcastically. "Are you still too busy doing nothing?"
"Well we have to check our schedule," Pam remarked.
"I thought you of all people were against this sort of thing?" Cyril asked. "Because it's beneath you?"
"I am and it is!" Mallory barked. "But it is so painfully obvious we aren't exactly breaking the bank. So I have to do whatever it takes until we make our big break! Even if I have to break some cardinal rules."
"How much is she paying?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"Enough to keep Jane Snifferton in glue for a year," Mallory pointed to Cheryl.
"How sure are you that we can find this cat?" Ray asked.
Mallory took out a cat carrier from behind her chair. "Very sure."
"Please tell me you're thinking of getting a pet," Lana groaned.
"Why would I need a pet when I have Pam?" Mallory quipped.
"She's got a point there," Archer snickered.
"Dear lord…" Ray groaned.
"I can't believe you stole a cat from some woman just to…" Lana groaned.
"Not just some woman!" Mallory interrupted. "Mrs. Evans is a very wealthy respected woman that lives in Beverly Hills! She has more money than she knows what to do with it, and a lousy memory to boot. I actually convinced her that I was one of her favorite pupils!"
"Were you?" Lana asked.
"Oh God no!" Mallory said. "I hated her! She was from Queens for crying out loud! And she still has that horrible low class New York accent. But somehow she landed one of the wealthiest men on the East Side and they moved off to their fairy tale life in Beverly Hills!"
"And you can't stand it when someone from the wrong side of the tracks does well," Ray glared at her.
"I'd make a remark about not being able to stand you Con-Ray Twitty but I have more important things to talk about!" Mallory snapped. "Fortunately I was able to track her down through another old friend of mine that works in the bank that handles her money."
"How do you know all these people?" Archer asked incredulously.
"Well Sterling it's this new thing called networking," Mallory said sarcastically. "Not everyone purposely antagonizes every single person they meet!"
"You just antagonize every other single person you meet," Archer quipped.
"No, I haven't!" Mallory shouted. "I've tried very hard to make good contacts! Which since I am a member of the upper classes I've been doing since the day I was born!"
"Literally or figuratively?" Cheryl blinked.
"Both," Mallory admitted. "As soon as I was born my parents made sure I was placed in only the most exclusive playdates and schools. And it was drilled into me at a young age to make friends with my schoolmates because their families also went to exclusive schools and colleges and grew up to run several kinds of businesses. It's called like meets like!"
"Social Climbing 101," Lana groaned.
"Big talk from the woman from Berkley!" Mallory shouted. "Your father is a big shot scientist and your mother is a big shot lawyer! The only difference between your family's networking and mine is that yours uses a hot tub!"
"And no bathing suits," Archer groaned.
"I've been making contacts my entire life!" Mallory went on. "School, college, debutante balls, acting classes…And let's not forget my over fifty year career as a spy which you all flushed down the toilet!"
"You're still not over that?" Pam asked.
"I know right?" Archer shrugged.
"You idiots think I'm enjoying my slide into poverty, disgrace and humiliation?" Mallory snapped. "I'd steal a thousand stupid cats if it means…"
She then looked at the cat carrier. "Uh oh…" She opened the door. "Okay…So the cat can get out of a cage. Didn't know that."
"Great! Just great!" Cyril threw up his hands. "Now we lost the stolen cat!"
"It's not lost!" Mallory snapped. "I know I had it in here when I brought it in not even an hour ago! It's got to be somewhere in this building!"
"I'm amazed we didn't smell it," Archer remarked.
"It's one of those new designer hypoallergenic cats," Mallory waved. "Anyway look around. Mr. Mittens has to be around here somewhere!"
"Oh this is just perfect…" Cyril groaned as everyone began to look under chairs and tables for the cat. "Just perfect!"
"I can't believe we're looking for a stolen cat you stole!" Lana groaned. "On second thought yes I can!"
"Another one of Mother's schemes that's turned into a catastrophe!" Archer quipped. "Get it?"
"If you don't find that thing you are going to get it!" Mallory snapped.
"How is this my fault?" Archer barked at her. "You stole the cat when you went to find your old teacher!"
"Don't be ridiculous!" Mallory snapped. "I didn't steal the cat when I visited her. I stole the cat before I visited her after doing some very brief recon. By the way her home security is a joke. She thinks because she lives in a gated community she doesn't need a burglar alarm!"
"Maybe you could sell her one," Lana said sarcastically. "And then burgle her house again because you have the access codes?"
Mallory was about to retort when she stopped to think. "Hmm…."
"Oh dear God…" Lana groaned. "You're actually considering that aren't you?"
"Here puss, puss, puss…" Krieger looked under a chair. "Here pussy!"
"That's what he said!" Pam quipped.
"Phrasing!" Cheryl spoke up.
"God damn it!" Archer snapped, annoyed that another phrasing opportunity had been taken away from him.
"Mrrowwwww…"
"Hold on! I think I found him," Archer looked under the sofa. "Yup there it is. Come on out you…" He reached down to grab the cat.
Then he screamed. "YEOWWWWWWWWW!"
"Oh yeah, word of warning," Mallory said. "It bites."
"Why you little…" Archer growled and put his hand in again. "YEOWWWW! OWW! AAGGHHH! What kind of monster cats are they making nowadays?"
"Sterling just get the damn cat!" Mallory snapped.
"What do you think I'm trying to do?" Archer snapped. He reached down again. "YOW! Is this thing related to Babou? YEOWWW!"
"Why did I ever think you could be a spy?" Mallory groaned. "You can't even get a cat to come out from under a sofa!"
"Not the cat from Hell no!" Archer snapped. "Look at what it did to me!"
"It didn't even break the skin you big baby!" Pam scoffed.
"No, but it did shred my sleeve!" Archer whined. "This is high quality silk!"
"It's just a few scratches!" Cyril snapped. "Try again!"
"You try again!" Archer barked.
"Sterling just get the damn cat!" Mallory snapped.
"So you just don't care if I get my arm mauled off?" Archer barked.
"Well if you do I have some spares," Krieger said cheerfully. "Of course they're all black…"
"You and Ray could be twins!" Cheryl said cheerfully.
"That is not going to happen!" Mallory snapped. "Just get the cat Sterling!"
"Why do I have to do everything around here?" Archer grumbled as he went back to get the cat. "Come here you little…AAAAHHH! IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME!"
"Okay now it's broken the skin," Pam remarked as Archer pulled his hand back out and saw the wound. "Barely…"
"You mean I barely got away with my life!" Archer shouted. "That thing tried to maul me!"
"It's probably just scared," Lana sighed.
"You'd be freaking out too if you were in a strange place with people grabbin' at you!" Ray snapped as he went over. "Let me handle this!"
"Yeah let it maul your arm for a while," Archer grumbled as he looked at his hand. "Great! This shirt and jacket are completely ruined!"
"Hey Mr. Mittens…" Ray knelt down and spoke in a soft voice. "It's okay…It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."
"I will…" Archer growled.
"Archer!" Lana sighed.
"It destroyed a good suit Lana!" Archer barked. "I want vengeance!"
"Come here now…" Ray said gently as he scooped up the cat and gently took it into his arms. "It's okay…"
"That's a dangerous cat?" Cyril couldn't help but giggle. It was a tiny tan kitten with a single black paw.
"Awww you're just scared because you're in a strange place aren't you?" Ray gently stroked the kitten's fur as he stood up.
"Oh it's cute," Lana said as she went to look at it.
"Stay back Lana! That thing is vicious!" Archer warned.
"It is not," Ray snapped. "It's not even a full grown cat. Just a harmless little kitten."
He then started to pet Mr. Mittens. "Aww you poor little thing. You must be hungry aren't you?" Mr. Mittens purred back.
"Why does that evil thing like you?" Archer snapped at Ray.
"Well it has one black paw. I guess he thinks they have so much in common," Mallory remarked.
"Maybe the cat's gay too?" Cheryl suggested.
"What can I say?" Ray shrugged. "I'm a cat person. Cats like me."
"Great! Cats like cyborgs!" Archer groaned. "Good to know!"
"Ray go feed the cat and take care of it," Cyril groaned. "Then you and Mallory are going to return it tonight! Say it was wandering around outside the gates hunting mice or something."
"Why do I have to go with him?" Mallory protested as she pointed to Ray. "Sterling you should come."
"Oh no! I'm not going anywhere near that thing!" Archer protested. "I think it gave me rabies!"
"Archer I don't think you have rabies," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Oh are you a blood pathologist Lana?" Archer snapped.
"No, but I have common sense!" Lana snapped. "Which is more than what you have right now!"
"Again, great choice of father material for your child Lana," Cyril smirked. "Really can see why you picked him over me."
"Oh shut up Cyril!" Lana grumbled.
"Come on Mr. Mittens," Ray said as he took the cat away. "Let's get you something to eat. I can cut up some chicken in the fridge."
"Speaking of chickens," Pam chuckled as Archer kept overreacting.
"I need to go to the hospital Lana!" Archer barked. "Cats transmit blood diseases! It's a fact!"
"Older sick cats do," Pam groaned. "Not this little thing."
"You don't know that!" Archer snapped. "It's a genetically altered cat! For all we know it could be part vampire!"
"The cat is not part vampire!" Mallory was frustrated. "Its genes are only altered so people don't sneeze!"
"Maybe that's one of the signs?" Archer snapped. "I have to go to the hospital and get a dozen shots! Thanks a lot cat! All your fault!" He stormed out.
"This is the incident at the petting zoo where he claimed that rabbit mauled him all over again," Mallory groaned.
"Well an animal bite can be traumatic for a child," Cyril rationalized.
"He was twenty seven!" Mallory barked. "Don't ask!"
"I don't think I will…" Cyril groaned. "Again Lana great choice…."
"I'd better go with him to the hospital," Mallory groaned. "I guess the Gay Cat Whisperer is the better choice after all. We'll go when we get back from the doctor's and I shove a bottle of scotch down his throat."
"Ooh! I just thought of something good!" Krieger said as Mallory left. "The cat thing gave me an idea! What if a tiny little kitten was introduced and it turns into a sexy cat girl?"
"Cat girls are big!" Pam whooped. "And then the cat girl can turn into a giant monster and start biting people's heads off!"
"Pam stop making it commercial!" Krieger snapped. "We're trying to create art here!"
"I'm kind of with Krieger on the biting people's heads off thing," Cyril said. "We're going for sexy and fun. Not monster eating people porn!"
"The correct term is Vore," Cheryl corrected.
"Well whatever it is, it's not what we're going for!" Cyril snapped. "I do like the cat girl thing though."
"How about twins?" Krieger suggested. "Sexy trouble making cat girl twins?"
"Ooh! I like that!" Cyril nodded.
"I'd like to find a new career…" Lana groaned as she left the room. "One that has sane people in it!"