The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been taken by bikers. Just something that ran through my tiny mind. Takes place shortly after The Handoff.
Doubting Lana
"Good news Lana," Ray smiled as he walked in the breakroom. "We're actually getting paid this week! Her Highness and Cyril told Archer he can't charge the repairs for his so called car to the agency. And it's not all going to champagne. Which means I can actually buy groceries instead of scavenging around here and the bars. Lana…? Lana?"
"Huh?" Lana blinked as she sat at a table with a cup of coffee in her hands. "Did you say something Ray?"
"I said that thanks to Shapiro we actually get money from the whole mess that has been the past few days," Ray told her as he sat down. "Which means I don't have to sneak into a fancy hotel to grab free apples so I can eat."
"Free apples?"
"A trick I learned from Pam," Ray admitted. "Some hotels have fresh apples in the hallway you can score. In fact, two days before we robbed Shapiro, she and I had a more successful caper if you get my drift."
"Oh God," Lana groaned.
"You know for a fancy hotel, the Tuntalagio Hotel has lousy security," Ray shrugged.
"You stole things from one of Cheryl's hotels?" Lana gasped.
"Technically one of her brother's hotels," Ray pointed out. "Which is now Tiffy's hotel."
"And I'm guessing Cheryl was also an accomplice in this little caper?" Lana asked.
"You guess correctly," Ray said. "We called it a game of 'Let's Screw Over Tiffy.' She fell for it."
"And I'm also guessing you got more than apples," Lana sighed.
"I got apples, oranges, bananas…" Ray said. "All kinds of fruit…And if you make a 'you are what you eat' joke I will slap you silly."
"Not even going to touch that one," Lana added.
"Some pens, paper, a bag of mints, enough toiletries to keep me looking good for at least a couple months," Ray added. "A super soft bathrobe, some pillows and a new set of freshly laundered 650 thread sheets."
"What the…?" Lana did a double take. "Ray!"
"Hey when we got to LA all I had were the clothes on my back," Ray pointed. "And even then it was just a lab coat and some underwear. And since I'm not Archer…Thank god for that… and his evil mother isn't paying my bills I have to get creative with my expenses."
"And no one is more creative than Pam when it comes to the five finger discount," Lana rolled her eyes.
"You really gonna be judgmental about stealing Miss Thing?" Ray folded his arms. "After our first job was breaking into a guy's house and stealing from his safe? And then we had to steal it back?"
"Don't remind me…" Lana groaned.
"Lana we just had our first real client and made real money," Ray said. "That's a good thing! It means we get to keep our jobs!"
"Such as they are," Lana sighed.
"What's wrong Pretty Mama?" Ray asked in a concerned tone.
Anyone else called her Pretty Mama including Archer she would have simply slapped them hard enough to make a tooth fall out. But she knew Ray. She knew she could talk to Ray. Even the first days they met during basic training they quickly found that they could talk to each other unlike the rest of the recruits.
The gay Southern hillbilly and the black Amazon with huge hands were the two outsiders in the mostly all straight male recruits. (If you didn't count Lucas Troy). They had bonded almost immediately.
And Lana knew she could talk to Ray.
"That's what's worrying me…" Lana groaned. "That I'm not a good enough mother."
"Oh," Ray knew when to shut up and listen around Lana.
"I've just been thinking…That's all," Lana sighed. "Am I raising my daughter right? Let's face it, being a detective isn't that much different than being a spy. It's still dangerous if the past few days have taught me anything."
"Uh huh…"
"It feels like I hardly spend any time with her at all," Lana sighed. "Maybe I am like Mallory?"
"Are you crazy?" Ray did a double take. "There is no way in the world you are anything like that evil old drunken harpy!"
"Ray are you bashing my mother?" Archer slowly walked into the breakroom. He still had bruises on his face and he appeared to be limping. "Because if you are I want in. In fact, I want to go first!"
"That's not what we're talking about Archer," Lana sighed.
"Can you believe she expects me to pay for my own car repairs out of my own pocket?" Archer barked.
Ray said in a deadpanned tone. "Shocking."
Lana glared at him. "What's wrong with you?"
"Uh besides the fact that I was nearly killed by a pack of bikers yesterday?" Archer gave her a look. "You know? Being stabbed? Repeatedly punched. Nearly fed into a wood chipper? Feeding a biker into a wood chipper? You kicking me in the balls while I was completely naked? That does not ring any bells?"
"Oh…" Lana said.
"To be honest I can't say I blame you for being confused," Archer sighed as he grabbed a bottle of scotch from a cabinet and poured himself a drink. "There was a time when getting stabbed while killing a lot of people wouldn't have slowed me down. Actually that used to be a slow week for me. You think LA is making me soft?"
"Archer I really don't need this right now," Lana groaned.
"She thinks she's turning into a Mallory clone," Ray pointed.
"What literally?" Archer blinked.
"Figuratively," Ray said. "How could she literally…?"
"I don't know," Archer shrugged as he sat down with his drink. "There's some kind of accident and for some reason Krieger puts Lana's brain inside a robot clone of my mother. Or Krieger could drug her and somehow the chemical reaction takes a weird turn and…"
"Okay now I see how that could literally happen," Ray said. "But we're talking figurative here."
"Anywhere else I would think that conversation would be completely insane," Lana groaned. "Which also unfortunately proves my point."
"Lana other than my Mama I've never seen a woman so devoted to her child," Ray told her.
"I just feel so guilty," Lana sighed. "I've barely seen my own daughter these past few days!"
"What were you supposed to do Lana?" Archer asked. "Put AJ in her snuggly as you rappelled down the back of a cliff while Shapiro and his goons were throwing grenades at us?"
"Or put her in a car seat while driving Shapiro to the handoff?" Ray added. "I bet the racist homophobic bikers would have loved that!"
"Even I know you can't bring a toddler along on a stake out," Archer told her.
"No offense but when it comes to operations she is kind of a liability," Ray added. "Not as much as Cheryl but still…"
"And it's not like you're the only woman in LA that leaves their kids at that day care," Archer pointed out. "Remember I went with you to check it out? They have some producer's kids and movie star kids that haven't seen their parents in weeks! I mean seriously, it's like a baby hotel!"
"So it's nice?" Ray asked.
"Expensive as hell but yeah," Archer nodded. "That day care does educational stuff too so she's not missing out."
"But I feel like I'm missing out," Lana said. "Maybe I should bring my daughter here more often?"
"CHERYL I SWEAR TO GOD PUT OUT THAT MATCH!" Pam shouted. "SERIOUSLY I AM NOT CLEANING UP ANOTHER WASTEBASKET FIRE!"
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl howled.
"Honestly Lana," Ray blinked. "Not bringing your daughter to work with you isn't exactly the worst decision you could make as a mother."
"PUT DOWN THE LIGHTER CHERYL!" Cyril shouted.
"YOU PUT DOWN THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Cheryl shouted back. "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!"
"YES I AM!" Cyril shouted. "HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED THE NAME ON THE FREAKING WALLS OF THIS BUILDING?"
"NO BUT I WILL IF ONLY TO BURN THEM OFF!" Cheryl shouted.
"Ray could you uh…?" Archer pointed. "While I talk some sense into Lana?"
"Yeah I've got this," Ray sighed as he went out to get a handle on the chaos.
The two parents ignored the scuffling outside. "Believe it or not Lana I get how you feel," Archer said.
"You do?" Lana did a double take.
"I'd love to spend more time with AJ but my work…" Archer began.
"By work I'm assuming you mean your drinking," Lana gave him a look. "You could spend a lot more time with your daughter if you cut down on your bar crawls!"
"My point is," Archer took control of the conversation. "I know my daughter is in safe hands because I trust you. You're a wonderful mother."
"You don't mean that…" Lana sighed.
"Of course I do! For Christ's sake Lana," Archer said. "You even gave up alcohol for her! I mean, what eight or nine months with no drinking?"
"Longer than that because I was breastfeeding," Lana sighed.
"See? Even I have to admit that was pretty damn impressive," Archer said.
"Only because I've never seen you go a day without alcohol when you weren't locked in a cell or unconscious," Lana pointed out. "And even then…"
"God I miss those vodka IVs Woodhouse used to give me," Archer said. "But more to the point you did that for AJ so she'd be healthy. That's more than my mother ever did."
Archer frowned. "Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure she didn't stop drinking period. I'm starting to suspect that affected me in some way."
"Really?" Lana raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," Archer said honestly. "I think it did."
"It would explain a lot about you," Lana admitted.
"I'm starting to consider the very real possibility that I might be slightly autistic," Archer went on. "And I know that had something to do with my mother. Again her fault. Which is why I know you're a good mother."
"To be fair Archer," Lana sighed. "The bar isn't exactly raised that high."
"That's true," Archer shrugged as he took a drink. "Even cuckoos are better parents and they just dump their eggs on any unsuspecting bird they can find. Again, I'm positive that's what my mother did to me."
"An unsuspecting heroin addict bird," Lana pointed out.
"Wow so much of my life is starting to make sense," Archer blinked. "What were we talking about again?"
"Me, but as usual the discussion centered around you!" Lana groaned.
"The point is that you work to give AJ a better life," Archer hugged her. "You didn't let some drug addicted alcoholic raise her while you were off overthrowing governments."
"Well I do let your mother babysit from time to time," Lana pointed out. "And Pam…"
"Oh right," Archer realized. "Still…"
"And while I was pregnant I technically did sort of help overthrow the government of San Marcos albeit after the fact," Lana admitted. "I mean come on, Cyril had a freaking tank!"
"I remember Lana," Archer groaned. "Even I can't stop a tank with my bare hands. It was the only way that little weasel was able to get me thrown in jail."
"Don't tell Cyril I ever said this but that was pretty damn impressive," Lana groaned.
"Noted," Archer said as he pulled away. "But this is about you and AJ. Lana I can't imagine anyone else being a better mother."
"WHAT FRESH HELL IS GOING ON NOW?" Mallory shouted. "CAN'T I LEAVE YOU IDIOTS ALONE FOR A MINUTE WITHOUT SOMETHING GOING WRONG?"
"Let me rephrase that," Archer groaned. "I can't imagine anyone else being a worse mother than mine."
"Joan Crawford?" Lana suggested.
"Yeah maybe her," Archer admitted. "But at least she took her kids out to dinner even if only to punish them."
"Then there was that one mother that cooked and ate her kids," Lana remembered.
"And then that other mother that sold her kid for drugs," Archer realized. "Parents who sell their kids into slavery. That still happens Lana. It's a thing. The point is that there's a bar and you're way above it."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS IN THE BAR?" Mallory was heard shouting. "THIS ISN'T SCOTCH! THIS IS OVERMARKED CAT'S PISS! WHO IS THE DUMB ASS THAT BROUGHT THIS INTO THE AGENCY?"
"That would be Archer," Cyril was heard saying. "Didn't even want him to bring any alcohol in here. Not me. No way. No how!"
"WHAT?" The sound of bottles breaking was heard.
"I'm not going back out there," Ray told them as he ran back into the break room. "Uh uh! No way! No how!"
"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory bellowed. "GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT HERE!"
"Uh Sterling Archer isn't in at the moment," Archer gulped. "Leave a message at the beep. Beep!"
"Don't even think about it," Ray grabbed Archer's shoulder with his bionic hand.
"Your mother, your problem," Lana grabbed Archer's other shoulder with her hand.
"Yeoowwww!" Archer winced. "God I can't tell whose hand is stronger! The robot one or Lana's! Then again Ray's is smaller so…"
With that both Ray and Lana threw Archer out of the breakroom. "AAAAAAHHH!"
"THERE YOU ARE!" Mallory was heard shouting. "What the hell is this crap you brought in?"
"Look they were out of Glengoolie Blue at the supermarket so I thought I'd try the generic brand and it's not that bad…" Archer began. Then a broken bottle was heard. And some screaming.
"Not that bad?" Mallory shouted. "Maybe if you have the taste buds of a drunken skunk? Which I highly suspect you do!"
SMASH! SMASH!
"AAAHH! MOTHER! MOTHER!" Archer was heard yelling.
"This is just like a scene out of Mommie Dearest," Ray whistled. "Just substitute cheap scotch for wire hangers."
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO DRILL IT INTO YOUR THICK SKULL?" Mallory screamed. "NO CHEAP SCOTCH!"
SMASH!
"YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Archer was heard screaming again.
"Still think you're just like Ms. Archer?" Ray gave Lana a look.
"Noooooope," Lana admitted.