"I think that the leaf of a tree, the meanest insect on which we trample, are in themselves arguments more conclusive than any which can be adduced that some vast intellect animates Infinity." ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley
"INVASION"
Illya was finishing typing out his report on their recent Pennsylvania mission and hit the last key with satisfied gusto. Glancing down to his desk as he prepared to distribute the copies in proper order, he spotted a bug crawling across his desk, and evicted it with a quick flick of his finger.
"U.N.C.L.E. Headquarters may be in need of an exterminator, just saw a cockroach."
"Cockroach?" Napoleon cringed. "I think we'll eat out today." Something buzzed near him, then landed on his desk. "Errr, I think it just flew here."
He rolled a newspaper to swat it, but Illya stopped him. Together they stared at the brown almond shaped bug as sat in the middle of Solo's desk blotter, remaining motionless, except for the twitching of its antennae.
"Napoleon, American cockroaches do not fly."
"Okay, so it's just a bug, let me get it."
"I do not recognize it. Could be dangerous... insects have attack modes, some with poisonous defense mechanisms."
"Melodramatic."
"Pragmatic. It goes to the lab."
"You're no fun."
"Napoleon, why would it be fun to kill an insect? This is a side to you that I have not seen before. Did you cook ants under a magnifying glass as a child?"
The senior agent flashed a look of displeasure at his partner's inference." Don't even go there Mr. Bon Appetite...* The American shrugged his shoulders after his chastisement, and proceeded to help in the pursuit the offending creature. They captured it in a glass jar that Illya used for a pencil holder on his desk, then headed downstairs to the lab to examine it more closely.
Blood curdling screams erupted from within the secretarial pool as they passed; the women running out with their hands covering their noses. A foul odor following them. The smell was akin to a skunk or something in a state of decay.
Illya dropped the jar as he and Solo dashed in, but the stench drove them back. Napoleon instantly pulled his communicator." Security alert! Possible chemical attack on headquarters."
Screams came from farther down the hall, sending the agents there while the klaxons blared and emergency lights flashed. The translation staff stood outside their department shrieking in horror.
"Cockroaches!"
Illya checked, spotting dozens of the same bugs on the walls as the one he and Napoleon had captured...and lost. He sealed the door, tilting his head for a moment, lost in thought until his eyes lit up. He walked over to a water fountain, pushing the button and watching the stream of water until he nodded his satisfaction.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for guppies."
"Noooo, you don't think?"
Napoleon reached out, gingerly touching the door, expecting to receive a shock but felt nothing. Once Security arrived, they headed to Waverly's office to enquire if his brother-in law, Mr. Hemmingway, was up to his old tricks again.**
They found Old Man swatting more insects as they scurried across the circular conference table while he held a handkerchief to his face in defense against the disgusting stench.
"Sir you need to get out of here now!" Solo pulled him aside, taking outside to the corridor.
Illya emerged a few minutes later with one of the insects trapped in a glass from Waverly's private bar. "This one is going to make it to the lab." He said, completely deadpan as he disappeared down the corridor filled with nervous personnel.
The blond Russian reappeared with the answer less than a half hour later, making his pronouncement to his partner and Waverly as the remained where he'd left them beside Lisa Rogers desk.
"Pentatomidae Pente," a stink bug, native to China, Japan. First documented in Allentown, Pennsylvania and believed to have "hitched a ride" as stowaways in packing crates."
"Pennsylvania, you mean we...?"
"We did bring crates back from that Thrush warehouse."
"Call Acme exterminators," Waverly huffed as he rose from the chair behind Lisa's desk. "Going forward, all paraphernalia from Thrush will be inspected outside of headquarters. You brought them here, you deal with them and quickly. I'll be at my club."
The exterminators, part of U.N.C.L.E.'s clean up division, arrived quickly and under the supervision of Solo and Kuryakin the process of clearing the infestation began. Three days later, headquarters was stink bug free and the tired partners relaxed in their office.
"I hate bugs." Napoleon mumbled.
"The correct term in this case is insect." Illya said wearily.
"Bug, insect...who cares. At least they're gone. Lesson learned ay chum? Waverly is right, we need to have a staging area outside of headquarters to screen things more thoroughly.
"I can see it now a new Section created just to pick through garbage." Illya proclaimed sarcastically. Suddenly there was a buzzing and something landed on his desk blotter. "No, not again?" When he saw it was a lady bug, he smiled.
"Those are good luck you know." Napoleon said.
Illya passed the creature onto his partner's outstretched palm, letting the diminutive, brightly colored beetle climb away, as Napoleon recited a nursery rhyme from his childhood. "Ladybug! Ladybug! Fly away house is on fire. And your children all gone. All except one, and that's little Ann. For she crept under the frying pan."
"Another gruesome bit to come from you Napoleon, but yes it would be nice if they would indeed fly away." Illya's voice did not sound happy.
"They?" His partner asked.
"We do not need that much luck," Illya said, pointing to the ventilation screen in their office... covered with hundreds of the orange insects."
.
finis
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* ref. " The Maze Affair" **"The Mad, Mad Tea Party Affair"
Authors note: I did take a bit of liberty as stink bugs were not found in Allentown until 1998, but took inspiration when I found 3 crawling on my T.V. screen recently. Ewww.