Table for Five

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

RK encourages the members of TSE to enjoy a nice meal at a fancy restaurant, but he soon becomes threatened by Sparky's attempts to make sure the dinner doesn't end in disaster.

1. Table for Five Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 13

Airdate: January 21, 2018

"Table for Five"

#TYH614

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

One day, RK and Wade are watching TV when RK keeps fidgeting. Wade gives RK a side glance, and he stops momentarily, but he continues.

WADE: Dude, what are you doing?

RK: SHUT UP, WADE!

Wade gives RK an angry stare.

RK: Sorry, Wade, I'm just really looking forward to this take out. You know, when a Jennings man has to eat, he has to eat right that second or he can't control himself.

WADE: I don't think Mexican food is worth getting excited about that much.

RK: Ah, but you just don't believe, my friend. You don't believe in the magic of a well-made quesadilla. Today, you believe.

RK's phone starts ringing. He sees an unfamiliar number.

RK: That must be the guy. RK picks up. Hello, you here? Great, I'm coming. Just don't park at the wrong house like last time.

RK hangs up and goes to the front door, but the camera remains on Wade as he watches everything.

RK: What? Dude, you're at the wrong house AGAIN?! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW, DAMMIT! Wait, WHAT?! NO, I'M NOT COMING OVER THERE TO GET THE FOOD! YOU MIGHT HAVE A GUN! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, AN IDIOT?! GET OVER HERE! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

The sound of the delivery man coming to the door to give RK his food is heard.

RK: Thank you. Took you almost an hour, but you finally made it. I'm not tipping you, get lost.

RK slams the door and walks over to the couch.

WADE: So this has happened before, I assume?

RK: Oh, Wade, you don't know the half of it. It's the same thing every single time. How much sense does it take to memorize a simple address?

WADE: I mean, these employees are human too, RK.

RK: Ah, screw them. I'm sick of getting treated like shit by these fast food joints. What I need is to dine out at a fancy restaurant. Yeah. That would be nice.

WADE: A fancy restaurant?

RK: Yeah, it would be great. Wearing cheap cologne with European suits, drinking a glass of water before the food comes, and seeing dead pigs with the apples in their mouths. That's the kind of night I need. That's the kind of night we all need.

WADE: What do you mean?

RK: I mean, one night, all five of us should eat out at a fancy restaurant. It will be great, give us some time to catch up.

WADE: I don't think Sparky's going to be interested in the idea.

RK: Wade, my skeptical friend, you always have to see the negative. But when I pitch my idea to Sparky, I'm sure he'll see how great it is.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

The scene starts with an exterior shot of Sparky's house.

RK: What do you mean, you don't want to have dinner?!

Cut to the living room where everyone is gathered.

SPARKY: RK, the last time we went to a fancy restaurant, you and Jaylynn almost killed each other. Do you know how awful it would be if something embarrassing like that happened again?

RK: Sparky, you're just not seeing the big picture. It's a chance for you to have the greatest dinner you've ever had in your entire life.

SPARKY: I'm ten years old. I'm sure I'll have way better dinners.

RK: Yeah, but this is like a great dinner on steroids. You have your choice of the appetizers, you ask for the steak and they give you that juicy cow drenched in A1 sauce. Desserts that will blow your mind. And a classy atmosphere since most of the people there look down on the working class.

SPARKY: That actually sounds pretty good.

RK: You're damn right it does. In your face, Wade! You doubted me, said it couldn't happen. Now it's gonna happen!

WADE: He never even said yes.

BUSTER: I want to look down on the working class too!

JAYLYNN: Aren't we technically the working class?

BUSTER: They're not going to find that out when we get there.

SPARKY: You know what, RK? I think we could do it. But if we're going to eat out, we're going to have to be on our best behavior. I don't want to give the owners of the restaurant a reason to ban us for life.

RK: You got it, buddy. Yes sir, this is going to work out just fine...even though Wade doesn't think it is.

WADE: Seriously, why are you trying to make an enemy out of me? Don't play me like that.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster and RK are near their lockers.

BUSTER: So, as it turns out, the elephant really was eating my peanut butter sandwich, but that still doesn't explain why he felt the need to choke me.

RK: I feel like your dreams get weirder the more you tell them.

Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn walk towards the boys. Sparky is carrying unfamiliar fliers.

RK: Hey guys, how was Carpool Day?

WADE: It sucked. All Jaylynn did was play "Havana" over and over.

JAYLYNN: Listen, if you don't want to listen to my songs, don't come in my car, bro.

WADE: Also, Sparky handed out these.

Wade gives two fliers to RK and Buster.

RK: Wait a minute. "A meeting of the minds to discuss proper manners and etiquette." Sparky, what is this chicken shit?

SPARKY: After what happened last time we ate out, I'm not taking any chances. Which is why we're all going to work on our dinner skills after school.

RK: You're acting like we're abused animals reacting to light for the first time. We know how to behave ourselves while we eat.

SPARKY: So that food fight last week was just a coincidence?

RK: I was an accomplice to that! NOTHING HAPPENED!

SPARKY: Either way, we're doing this and we're doing this right. You wanted this to happen, so it's going to happen the smart way.

RK: Oh, great. If I knew my idea would bring out your anal-retentive side, I would have never said anything.

SPARKY: You still love me though.

JAYLYNN: Hey Wade, what's the capital of Cuba?

WADE: Jaylynn, don't.

JAYLYNN: You know you want to answer the question.

WADE: I'm not answering it.

JAYLYNN: What's the capital of Cuba?

WADE: It's Havana!

JAYLYNN: Thank you.

Jaylynn starts playing "Havana" by Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug on her phone.

WADE: I have an intense urge to kill Camila Cabello now.

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Everyone is gathered in the living room where Sparky is handing out packets.

SPARKY: Alright, guys. This is the protocol for our fancy dinner. In order for us to have a good time, we have to make sure we read this and stick to it.

BUSTER: Wait, but I thought you already handed out the protocol at school.

SPARKY: No, that was just the flier promoting the protocol. This really is the protocol.

RK: This looks like the crap teachers hand out over winter break.

SPARKY: Shut up, man. Just read the thing.

WADE: "No screaming, no fighting, no swearing, no hair pulling, no spitting." I think you have us confused for another group, Sparky.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, which one of us pulls hair?

BUSTER: I can't even spit.

WADE: You mean, you don't have the ability to spit or you're against it?

BUSTER: A little bit of both. I try to get the phlegm primed and ready to go, but it doesn't come out. Weird thing is, I once had a friend who spit all the time. And it was always in front of me. One time, he accidentally spit on my shoes. I went nuts and punched him in the face.

Beat.

BUSTER: That's right. I have a past.

SPARKY: Okay, so let's turn the page here.

RK: Frog legs.

SPARKY: What?

RK: The frog legs. Are you going to teach us the proper way to eat frog legs? Does it say so in this packet?

SPARKY: No, it doesn't.

RK: No, it doesn't. You came unprepared.

JAYLYNN: Ewww, we're going to eat frog legs?

BUSTER: Just drown it in ketchup and you'll be fine. Ketchup goes great with everything.

SPARKY: Okay, here are the dinner forks that we might encounter. Always use the fork on the left.

WADE: Why?

SPARKY: It's just a rule. I don't know who invented it, but if you use the right fork, it's frowned upon.

JAYLYNN: So the right fork...is the wrong fork?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, that reminds me. That kid I punched in the face? I also stabbed him in the arm with my fork.

Beat.

BUSTER: It was lasagna day at the cafeteria. The school stopped using silverware that day.

RK: Wait, you're the bastard that ruined lasagna day?

BUSTER: I'm not taking responsibility for things that never happened.

SPARKY: Okay, I really think we're getting off course here.

RK: Do you want us to speak proper?

SPARKY: What?

RK: You know, when we get to the dinner, we have to use a British accent? "Cheerio, mate. How's the fish and chips? Give me some shrimp on the bar-B. Crikey!"

JAYLYNN: How did your British turn into an Australian?

RK: I was thinking about Steve Irwin. What happened to him? His show got cancelled?

WADE: He died.

RK: Oh yeah, that was sad. F*** stingrays.

SPARKY: See, this is the kind of conversation we shouldn't have at the table.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, KG is watching TV when RK walks down the stairs mumbling something.

RK: Always use the left fork. The left...fork. Fork on the left. Don't pull hair. Don't insult Jaylynn in a passive-aggressive way.

KG: Dude, what's wrong with you? You sound like you have nuts in your mouth.

RK: What? You're sick.

KG: I meant peanuts.

RK: Oh. Because I thought you meant...forget it. Look, me and the guys are going to eat out at a fancy restaurant. And it's going to suck.

KG: Why? There's nothing wrong with eating expensive food.

RK: Of course not, but Sparky's got these homework packets full of rules for us to follow. It's infuriating. And the worst part is, it was my idea so I can't say anything about it.

KG: He's probably just making sure you guys act like you have some sense. Didn't you and Jaylynn kick each other's ass that one time?

RK: Yeah, but we were kids then.

KG: You're kids now!

RK: Yeah, but...season two of Rick and Morty just ended. I was still upset about that.

KG: Uh huh.

RK: Look, bro, I need your help. If this dinner is going to go exactly as I want it to, I can't have Sparky start taking control.

KG: I don't know, man. Sparky's your leader. Whatever happens, he has to make sure everything goes smooth.

RK: That's your advice? Sparky's the man and there's nothing my white trash ass can do about it?

KG: Dude, why do you always have to be extra with it?

RK: I'm RK. Being extra is my day job.

KG: Listen, if I had a great story, I would share it with you, but I don't. Wait a minute. I think I do.

RK: Oh, man! A KG story finally comes through. What do you got, man?

KG: Well, this one time, Denise and I were going out to the movies. And you know how Denise is when it comes to picking things. So it takes her ten minutes to pick out a movie, everyone's in the back of the ticket booth losing their shit, so I pick out the movie. But then I tell her, "Baby, it had to be done." And then I stroked her hair to make her smile.

RK: So what's the lesson here?

KG: If you don't want Sparky to start hijacking your idea, take back control. Assert your dominance and let him know how things are gonna go down.

RK: You're right. Sparky has to respect me as a young Caucasian man. Which means I have to show and prove or he'll never see me as his equal.

KG: Exactly.

RK: You know what, KG? I know what I have to do. Thanks.

KG: Sure thing.

RK runs upstairs while KG continues looking at the TV.

KG: Should I have told him Denise yelled at me after that for embarrassing her? Eh, I don't think it matters.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The kids are eating together the next day.

JAYLYNN: So do we even know where we're having this fancy dinner? Or when?

SPARKY: Well, I think...

RK: I was thinking this weekend.

SPARKY: You think so?

RK: Yeah, it's perfect. You know, with the holiday weekend coming up and...tax season.

WADE: There's no holiday weekend coming up.

RK: There are many unrecognized holidays in America, Wade. The media just doesn't want to promote them.

JAYLYNN: Okay, so what about the location?

RK: Oh, you guys don't even need to worry about that. I'll make the reservations and everything.

SPARKY: RK, are you sure? I could help you with that.

RK: Oh, you don't have to. With your protocol and all your other stuff, you have too much on your plate. I want to give you a break.

SPARKY: Alright, man, do your thing.

Wade gets a suspicious look on his face.

WADE: Hey RK, could I talk to you outside? It's about Adriana.

RK: Girl trouble again? I'm your man.

RK and Wade leave the table and walk towards the back entrance to the playground.

BUSTER: Hey, do you guys want to hear my dream about the elephant and the peanut butter sandwich?

JAYLYNN: Buster, after that dream you told me about the monkeys and the flesh-eating bacteria, I need to take a break from your imagination.

Cut to RK and Wade on the playground.

RK: So, what's wrong with Adriana?

WADE: Nothing.

RK: Wait, so this is a set-up? Dude, I'm sorry! Whatever I did, it doesn't have to come to this!

WADE: I'm not here to kill you. I just want to know what's going on with you and Sparky.

RK: Nothing's going on.

WADE: RK, I know you better than I know the back of my right hand. I know you're trying to take control of the dinner because you don't want Sparky to ruin it for you.

RK: Of all the best friends in the world, I had to get one with the IQ of a college graduate.

WADE: You know, if you just talk to Sparky about how you're feeling, I'm sure he'll understand.

RK: No, he won't. Talking doesn't work as well as doing. I have to assert myself. He needs to respect me as a young Caucasian man.

WADE: What does that have to do with anything? You're both white.

RK: I don't know, it just sounds like the thing to say.

WADE: Come on, man. Don't do this to yourself. Sparky is your friend. If you just sit him down and come out with words, he'll listen.

RK: Oh, please. Sparky's our leader. He has to take control. I can't compete with that.

WADE: Dude, do you feel inferior to Sparky or something?

RK: Does it show?

WADE: Wait, you do? I didn't even know you felt that way. Listen, could I help you with the reservations? I don't want you to kill yourself trying to outdo Sparky.

RK: You know what, Wade? That sounds great. This is going to be a great dinner. By the way, are you sure nothing's going on with Adriana?

WADE: No, there's nothing. Except for this weird cough she has.

RK: Weird cough?

WADE: Yeah, I just told her to stop doing it around me.

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky walks downstairs the night of the dinner while wearing a tuxedo. Bitch Clock turns around from his seat on the couch to look at him.

SPARKY: Alright, am I ready or am I ready?

BITCH CLOCK: What is this, a date night with Halley in Paris?

SPARKY: I'm just making sure I look nice for this fancy dinner.

BITCH CLOCK: With Halley, right?

SPARKY: No, with the guys. RK thought we should all eat out together.

BITCH CLOCK: Wait, let me get this straight. You put product in your hair, decided to wear a nice tuxedo, just to eat at a restaurant with your friends?

SPARKY: Yeah.

BITCH CLOCK: I'm starting to think you guys spend way too much time together. I mean, that's the kinda suit I could have used for my dates.

SPARKY: This tux wouldn't even fit you.

BITCH CLOCK: Never said I would be the one wearing it. Role-playing's expensive.

SPARKY: You're sick, man.

At that point, the kids walk into the house.

JAYLYNN: Ready to go, Sparky?

SPARKY: Almost. Just let me grab some mints. I know they usually serve them after dinner, but this is more for my breath than anything else.

BUSTER: Sparky, don't you think you're a little overdressed?

SPARKY: Overdressed? You're wearing almost the same thing I am!

BUSTER: Yes, but I'm wearing a regular tie. You're wearing a bowtie. I don't want to treat this like my senior prom.

JAYLYNN: Hey, where are we eating anyway?

*with French accent, while moving his thumb and index finger in a circular formation* RK: We are dining at Le Château de la Nourriture.

JAYLYNN: What?

*with French accent, while moving his thumb and index finger in a circular formation* RK: Le Château de la Nourriture.

JAYLYNN: Will you stop doing that thing with your thumb and index finger and just tell me the freaking name?

*deadpan* RK: It's Le Château de la Nourriture, Jaylynn.

WADE: Yeah, it's a newly opened French restaurant on the other side of town.

RK: Wade and I made the reservations and everything. Because at the end of the day, it was our idea so we wanted to control certain aspects of the meal. Right, Sparky?

Beat.

SPARKY: I'm sorry, RK, did you say something?

WADE: Dude, what are you doing?

RK: I was trying to bait Sparky. You know, in a passive-aggressive way. Did it work?

WADE: No, it didn't.

RK: Okay, well, when it does work, let me know because I'm going to try it again.

SCENE 8

Le Château de la Nourriture

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

Sparky's car pulls up to the restaurant later that night.

BUSTER: So what are you guys going to eat tonight? I can't wait to fill up on bread.

JAYLYNN: That doesn't even count as an appetizer.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, I want to make sure my body's loosened up. It's what good eaters do.

SPARKY: Well, we're not going to see that bread staying in here.

The kids exit the car and walk into the restaurant to see the manager at the front desk.

RK: Wade, I didn't know this restaurant was so fancy. I'm intimidated.

WADE: Isn't this your dream come to life?

RK: It is, but I didn't think it would be this way. I mean, this restaurant is so...lifelike.

SPARKY: Hello there, manager. Party of five.

MANAGER: The TV show?

SPARKY: What are you talking about? I'm just saying the five of us are here to eat tonight.

MANAGER: Forget it. Welcome to the Le Château de la Nourriture.

JAYLYNN: Oh, so you have to pronounce it like that. I'm sorry, RK.

RK: It's okay. At least you learned your lesson.

MANAGER: Um, party of five here. Last name?

RK: Jennings.

RK plays around with his tie.

RK: Ryan Jennings.

MANAGER: Yeah, sure. Ah, here we go. Jennings, party of five. Unfortunately, it's going to be at least a ten-minute wait for a table.

SPARKY: That's fine with us. We're going to be here all night anyway.

RK: Look at this yahoo, doing all the talking for us. Like he's our mouthpiece.

WADE: RK, don't let Sparky get to you. It's not worth it.

RK: I know, but this Brock Lesnar doesn't need a Paul Heyman is all I'm saying.

MANAGER: If you children will have a seat right here, you'll be called up in no time.

BUSTER: But you said it was a ten-minute wait. Which is it?

MANAGER: Just have a seat, please.

The kids walk over to the side of the restaurant and sit down in the waiting area. The manager walks over to a nearby waiter.

MANAGER: Skip the Jennings party for now. These confused orphans think they actually paid for a table.

WAITER: Sure thing.

SPARKY: This is nice, huh, guys? The five of us out here on a Friday night. Hitting the town, about to feast on some good food.

WADE: I'll kinda feel the same way you're feeling when we get to eat.

JAYLYNN: Oh, crap.

BUSTER: What's wrong, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: I accidentally put on two different socks. How do I do that?

RK: Well, you're a Jaylynn. These things are expected.

JAYLYNN: For the last time, I'm not a species! And it's probably because you were rushing me when we left.

RK: I was rushing you?

JAYLYNN: Yes, you were. I had to hurry up and put some socks on or else the car would leave.

RK: Well, all I did was honk my horn.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, nine times.

RK: Kinda weird how you kept track of that.

SPARKY: Oh God, here they go again.

BUSTER: Don't worry, man, you know how RK and Jaylynn are. Even if they went to war, they would argue during an ambush. Probably wondering why they didn't block each other from getting shot.

Sparky and Buster start laughing.

JAYLYNN: Wow. We're really a parody now.

RK: Yeah, it had to have happened at some point.

WADE: You're a parody now?

SCENE 9

Le Château de la Nourriture

Interior Waiting Area

Seattle, Washington

The kids are still waiting for a table after eleven minutes.

BUSTER: It's been 11 minutes. They lied to us. That's it, it's time for us to throw a fit.

WADE: Buster, we're in a restaurant. We can't do that kind of thing, remember?

BUSTER: Well, we have to at least talk to them. Don't worry, though. I'll try and put on the old Buster charm. Who knows? Maybe the manager will let us eat afterwards.

Buster slides towards the manager's desk while fixing his tie.

BUSTER: Excuse me, managerial person. We're still waiting for our table.

MANAGER: Oh yes, the Jennings party of five.

BUSTER: Yeah. We're starting to suspect you don't really run a tight ship around here. We're prepared to take drastic measures.

MANAGER: What kind of drastic measures?

BUSTER: You ever heard of a little site known as...Yelp?

MANAGER: Yes, we're very aware of Yelp here at Le Château de la Nourriture.

BUSTER: Well, if you value decent reviews, you should seat us. You know? I mean, Yelp is Yelp, man. It doesn't care, it will eat you alive.

MANAGER: Listen here, kid. We just recently opened. We're one of the hottest restaurants in town. Legitimate newspaper critics have already given us rave reviews. So why in the world would we care what some uncultured, whiny seven-year-old with a computer says about our service?

Beat.

BUSTER: I'm nine, actually.

MANAGER: Interesting. When the table's ready, it will be ready, but until then, we're very busy tonight so would you please...

BUSTER: Yeah. Sure.

Buster walks back over to the kids.

JAYLYNN: So what did he say?

SPARKY: Did the Buster charm work?

BUSTER: Guys, I think I'm losing my touch. He said they're the hottest restaurant in town and they're very busy tonight.

WADE: Makes perfect sense. Since this place is new, everybody wants to try the food here. It makes it harder to even get reservations.

RK: Of course. This place has attracted the hipsters. Pretty soon, people on the bandwagon will be all, "Oh, you have to go to Le Château de la Nourriture. The steamed halibut is to die for. Like, yaaaasss, hashtag, restaurant selfie."

WADE: Please never do that impression again.

SCENE 10

Le Château de la Nourriture

Interior Waiting Area

Seattle, Washington

More time has passed and the kids are still waiting for their table.

BUSTER: You know, I think Wendy's is open late tonight.

JAYLYNN: Look, I love a good Baconator like everyone else, but I want to try this fancy food, dammit. I did not put on two different socks for nothing.

RK: I'm starting to think we could have just went back to that Italian place in disguises. Too bad I'm thinking of the idea now.

SPARKY: How long have we been sitting here, Wade?

WADE: 32 minutes, 16 seconds.

Everybody groans.

MANAGER: Excuse me, Jennings party of five? Your table's ready.

BUSTER: Is this a joke?

MANAGER: No, the waiter is going to show you to your table right now.

BUSTER: Prove it. Show me the waiter right now.

The waiter stands next to the manager.

WAITER: That would be me.

Beat.

BUSTER: Okay, I'm interested. But where do we go from here?

RK: Man, it's time to eat. Let's start ordering some appetizers.

The kids walk up to the waiter and follow him to the table.

WAITER: Your menus will be here shortly.

The waiter leaves the table.

JAYLYNN: We have to wait more?

SPARKY: We're going to be dead before the menus come.

BUSTER: You know, at Wendy's, you can order your food and then eat it at the table. Very innovative.

WADE: We're not going to Wendy's.

BUSTER: I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING, WADE!

At that point, several people stare at the kids' table.

BUSTER: He's partially deaf, I have to scream sometimes so he can hear me. LIKE THIS! See, helps get my point across better.

SPARKY: Buster, are you trying to get us kicked out?

RK: Well, Wade is partially deaf. Not much he can do.

WADE: I'm not partially deaf!

RK: Are you going to tell them that? Buster built the narrative, now it's our responsibility to run with it.

BUSTER: Thank you RK.

RK: No problem. My ass isn't getting kicked out. No way, sir.

SCENE 11

Le Château de la Nourriture

Seattle, Washington

The kids are currently eating their first courses.

RK: It's crazy. A white guy, probably Anglo-Saxon, just gave me lasagna, an Italian meal, and it's cooked to perfection inside this French restaurant. America is such a fascinating place.

JAYLYNN: You know, RK, I should have asked this a really long time ago, but since we're all here together, it needs to be said. How did you end up like this?

RK: You know, I always wanted to ask you that, but I have class, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: No, I'm serious. I think you're one of the most interesting people I know. When did you become so...RK-like?

BUSTER: Oh, he's always been like this.

JAYLYNN: Seriously?

SPARKY: Definitely. Ever since we first met RK, he's always been out there.

RK: It used to be worse. When I was in second grade, I had this bad habit of referencing episodes of TV shows that were similar to my current situation.

JAYLYNN: How would you do it?

RK: Well, one time at recess, Buster tripped and ended up hurting his knee. And so I was like, "Wow, this is just like that Arthur episode where Arthur hurt his knee."

JAYLYNN: My God.

RK: Yeah, that's why I barely talked to anyone but Sparky and Buster for a long time.

WADE: So you guys used to be outcasts?

SPARKY: Eh, kinda. It wasn't until third grade that we started being more social. Then we met you and things clicked from there.

WADE: You guys really saved me. I always say that I would be a loner if we never met.

JAYLYNN: I agree. I was a mess back in Portland. Talking to Sparky just...made things better. It made me think about a life I could have one day.

BUSTER: So you moved to run away from your problems?

SPARKY: Buster...

BUSTER: It's a legitimate question. I want to hear her response to it, Sparkel.

JAYLYNN: Not really. But I wanted a better life. I felt like I had a chance to do things differently in Seattle. It took some time, but I did change for the better here.

RK: It's too bad Anja never felt the same way you did.

JAYLYNN: Oh, I'm over that. Right now, I just want us to stay best friends.

SPARKY: So you're not attracted to her at all anymore?

JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm bullshitting, I still think she's cute as hell. But I just moved on. I mean, how much longer can I keep chasing someone that doesn't want what I want? It's like sticking an orange in a bottle of Poland Spring.

WADE: Sticking an orange in a bottle of Poland Spring?

JAYLYNN: It's a saying.

RK: I've never heard that saying before.

SPARKY: Me either.

JAYLYNN: People say that all the time in Oregon.

SPARKY: I've been to Portland multiple times, and I've never heard anyone say that.

JAYLYNN: You weren't there long enough. You have to pick up on things like that.

SPARKY: I was also in Salem a few times, I didn't hear it there either.

JAYLYNN: Oh, don't mention Salem to me. Salem's wack. You go to Portland talking about Salem, you get your neck broken.

Beat.

RK: Wait a minute. Sparky, your name is short for Sparkel?

SPARKY: No, it's not.

BUSTER: I was waiting for someone to mention that.

WADE: So why did Buster call you that?

SPARKY: He hasn't called me that in a long time. It was a thing we used to do. Like I would call him Bustopher.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: You guys didn't do that a lot, did you?

SPARKY: No, we didn't.

JAYLYNN: That's what I thought.

SCENE 12

Le Château de la Nourriture

Seattle, Washington

The kids all groan after finishing their dinner.

SPARKY: That...was...something else.

WADE: I never knew you could do that to lobster before.

BUSTER: Forget Wendy's, this is my new happy place. When I die, bury me here.

RK: Yup.

RK begins to loosen up his belt.

RK: Oh yeah. This is what my grandfather always did when he had a big meal.

SPARKY: You know, Grandpappy MacDougal...

The kids all stare at Sparky with annoyance.

SPARKY: Did a similar thing in his heyday...and nothing else.

JAYLYNN: I never saw my grandparents.

BUSTER: Really? That's terrible. Your grandparents are very important. They love you more than their own kids, and they always smell like they've lived for 500 years.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, things are just weird when it comes to my family. I haven't been to D.R. in who knows how long?

SPARKY: You know, I'm still sorry for giving your dad your address. I know you wish you never met him.

JAYLYNN: Hey, you thought you were looking out for me. Plus, I got to see the kind of man he was. So it all worked out.

RK: Wasn't he already that kind of man?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but I got to see it for myself. Now he's happy with his new family.

WADE: Yeah, but he's always going to regret missing out on a great daughter.

JAYLYNN: Thanks Wade. It means a lot.

BUSTER: Hey, you guys remember when Wade kissed Jaylynn and she kicked his ass?

RK: I think what happened was Wade kissed Jaylynn and she tried to kick his ass, but we held her back.

JAYLYNN: I never kicked Wade's ass. But I did yell at him.

WADE: Yeah. Worst night of my life.

JAYLYNN: I've said sorry for that before, right?

WADE: Yeah, about fifty times. But it was my fault.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, I could have just kicked you in the jewels. I made you look like a joke in front of your heroes.

SPARKY: You know, we used to really turn it out for our birthday parties.

BUSTER: Yeah. Now our parties are all the same. Last year, I got a pencil for my birthday. A pencil.

WADE: Buster, the library gave that to you for renewing your card.

BUSTER: Yeah, but it was on my birthday. It was an unofficial present and I'm not going to look back on it as a good thing.

RK: You know, all in all, I was able to make this dinner a big success.

SPARKY: Yeah. Wait a minute. You made it a success?

RK: Of course. I had my idea, I put it in action, and it turned out great.

JAYLYNN: The dessert hasn't come to the table yet, right?

WADE: Nope.

JAYLYNN: Well, there's still time for all this to go to hell.

SPARKY: I think I deserve a little bit of credit for tonight.

RK: Why's that, Sparkel?

SPARKY: I don't know, Ryan, maybe it's because I had to approve this idea and I laid down ground rules so this thing could work.

RK: So you're trying to steal my shine?

SPARKY: What?

RK: You're stealing my shine. Right here in front of these yuppies. Admit it, you never want to see me win.

SPARKY: I always want to see you win. My team has to win all day, every day.

RK: No, you want to see yourself win. That's why you tried to take control of this dinner.

BUSTER: Hey, what's the deal with diet soda? I mean, if you're going to drink soda, you might as well drink the real thing. Don't go halfway.

WADE: Are you trying to distract them or are you asking that legitimately?

BUSTER: A little bit of both.

SPARKY: I mean, if I tried taking control of this dinner, it's probably because I didn't think you could handle it.

RK: I didn't think you could handle it?

SPARKY: What?

RK: You heard what I said, I'm just repeating the shit!

SPARKY: Yeah. You couldn't handle it. Because you're not responsible enough to handle things like this.

RK: I'm irresponsible?!

SPARKY: You damn sure are. I mean, did you make these reservations just to prove something to me?

RK: Maybe I did because you don't see me on your level.

SPARKY: On my level?

RK: You're damn right. You've seen me as #2 since the day we met. It's always been Sparky's show, the Sparky era, what Sparky wants. It's my show too, you know!

SPARKY: It's our show! I can't deal with you being insecure.

RK: I'm insecure? You lose your mind any time someone talks about your weird crush on Cimorelli.

SPARKY: It's not a crush!

RK: Well, if it's not a crush, then it's a fixation with their average music. "Oh, I'm sad about stuff. This boy doesn't like me the way I like him. I'll never love anyone again. I want to empower young white girls." IT'S BEEN ELEVEN YEARS, SING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

SPARKY: You know, if you're gonna act like a little baby, then you might as well just go.

RK: Fine. It's not like you want me around anyway!

RK removes his napkin bib and storms out of the restaurant.

BUSTER: This sucks. Now we all have to split more of the bill.

SCENE 13

Le Château de la Nourriture

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: Sparky, don't you think you should go after RK?

SPARKY: And do what? Ask him why he feels like I'm trying to knock him down when all I've done since we met is build him up? I can't read that kid's mind.

WADE: Well, maybe you should.

SPARKY: Huh?

WADE: Look, RK feels inferior to you. He wanted the fancy dinner to go his way and he felt like he was losing control of the situation.

SPARKY: Really? RK feels inferior to me?

WADE: Trust me, I was shocked too.

JAYLYNN: I had no idea. RK's always really confident and sure of himself.

SPARKY: Whatever this is, this seems like a deeper issue. Should I take care of this now?

BUSTER: Yeah. You should.

SPARKY: But dessert's coming.

BUSTER: That's true. You have an argument there.

WADE: Sparky, please go take care of this.

SPARKY: Alright, I'll go take care of this. But if any of you even think about touching my salted caramel cake, I'll hunt you down and finish you off.

Sparky runs away from the table.

BUSTER: In that case, I should just get my own slice.

SCENE 14

The Revia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anna is watching TV when she hears a knock at the door. She sees RK with his rolled up button down shirt and his unfixed tie around his neck.

ANNA: RK, what are you doing here? Not that I'm complaining because...you look gooood.

RK: Thanks. I need somewhere to hide. I know Sparky's out there looking for me.

ANNA: Why would he be looking for you?

RK: Well, I was out having a fancy dinner with the guys and we had an argument so I left. I just don't want him to come to my house and find me.

ANNA: So you don't think he's going to find you here?

RK: He might, but at least this delays things. The only thing I'm upset about is I'm going to miss the dessert.

ANNA: You're over here with your shirt rolled up looking dog tired when you could be eating fancy dessert?

RK: Can a guy not spend time with his girlfriend?

ANNA: Not when he's keeping himself from a good meal. That's just uncivilized. But you can stay if you want.

RK: Thanks. I look good, though, right?

ANNA: Dude, you're clean. Is that Calvin Klein?

RK: Yeah, I'm wearing Obsession.

ANNA: You need to do this when we go out sometime.

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG is watching TV when Sparky walks in.

SPARKY: KG, is RK here?

KG: Nope, and wherever he is, he won't let me tell you.

SPARKY: KG, if you know something, you better say it.

KG: Whatever I know is what I can't say, and whatever I say is something I feel comfortable knowing.

SPARKY: Is he at Anna's house?

KG: I mean, if you say the things you say, you might as well say what you mean to say. Because you can't keep playing around with a person who thinks things just to be saying them. That's what I think.

SPARKY: Yeah, good night to you too.

Sparky closes the door. KG moves the cushion next to him, revealing RK's suit jacket. He pats it while smiling and puts the cushion back.

KG: Well, I did my part.

SCENE 16

Le Château de la Nourriture

Seattle, Washington

The waiter comes in with the kids' desserts.

WAITER: Uh, this was supposed to be for five.

BUSTER: We know, they're buying a gazebo. We'll save it for them.

The waiter walks away at that point while shaking his head.

WADE: Buster, you're a terrible liar.

BUSTER: I know. I don't even know what a gazebo is. I just heard Modern Family say it. Or was it a Roomba? Wait, what the hell is a Roomba?

JAYLYNN: I always wanted one of those.

BUSTER: The gazebo?

WADE: You know, I really hope Sparky and RK work things out.

JAYLYNN: I don't see why not. They've had plenty of fights before. Like when you guys started the KWWE.

BUSTER: Yeah, we really should have let him be the champion.

WADE: You were in on it though.

BUSTER: Of course, I was. Doesn't mean I'm proud of it.

JAYLYNN: So do you guys still watch wrestling or what?

WADE: Yeah, we do. Not all the time though. It's not the same like it was when we first started.

BUSTER: Yeah, in the beginning, it was so crazy. You never knew what was going to happen next. Then it turned into, "Oh, look, there's that thing that comes on before my bedtime."

JAYLYNN: Maybe you guys are getting older. And then you realized it's all a bunch of crap.

WADE: No, it's just the quality.

BUSTER: Yeah, everything that goes on too long starts to suck.

JAYLYNN: Well, I know the same thing happened to me with Neopets. I used to love them. I would collect them all, go on the website, play in the Altador Cup. Then one day, I looked at them and said, "F*** this."

WADE: Wait, you used to...like Neopets?

Wade and Buster look at each other while smiling, and then start laughing.

JAYLYNN: Hey, Neopets was the shit back then. And the Altador Cup was so badass. I remember this one summer, man, it went down to the wire. I was with Kreludor, and we were coming for the championship, but then those dorks from Lost Desert came through and...

Cut to Buster and Wade's big smiles.

JAYLYNN: Oh, so I'm a clown to you guys now? I make you laugh, I amuse you? Nah, nice try.

WADE: We're sorry, Jaylynn, but that was hilarious.

BUSTER: Yeah. Pffft, Neopets.

WADE: Right?

Beat.

BUSTER: Besides, everyone knows that Altador was the best team.

JAYLYNN: What?! They never won shit!

BUSTER: They were the host team, no one ever gave them the respect they deserved!

SCENE 17

The Revia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Anna is watching TV with RK when the doorbell rings.

RK: Crap, that might be Sparky. I'm gonna hide upstairs!

RK runs towards the stairs.

ANNA: Okay, but whatever you do, don't touch anything. You still never gave me back those headphones you stole.

RK: I told you, someone stole them from me. It happens all the time!

RK continues running upstairs when Anna opens the door to reveal Sparky.

SPARKY: Hey Anna. RK's here, isn't he?

ANNA: Who's RK?

SPARKY: Anna, you don't have to hide him. I know RK's here.

ANNA: You don't have any proof of that.

SPARKY: Then who were you talking to just now?

ANNA: My imaginary friend...Paul. He steals things all the time and never gives them back.

SPARKY: Then what are those two glasses doing on your coffee table?

Cut to a shot of the glasses on the table. Cut back to Anna and Sparky.

ANNA: Paul was thirsty so I gave him what he wanted?

SPARKY: Anna, can you just tell me what room RK is in so we can end this? I have a salted caramel cake calling my name at the restaurant.

ANNA: I would tell you, but he doesn't wanna see you right now.

SPARKY: Ugh, this is ridiculous. How come he doesn't wanna see me?

ANNA: Something about you being white and not respecting him.

SPARKY: What?

ANNA: Yeah, I didn't get the whole thing, but he feels like you don't see him on your level.

SPARKY: Are you kidding me? Okay, I need to go upstairs and talk to him. He's in your room, isn't he?

ANNA: Yeah. By the way, Sparky, I know this is a weird thing to ask, but why do you live with a talking alarm clock?

SPARKY: You're better off asking why he's living with me.

SCENE 18

The Revia Household

Interior Anna's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is on his phone when Sparky walks in.

RK: Crap!

RK opens the window and tries to escape through it, but Sparky runs towards him and pulls him back inside.

SPARKY: RK, the games are over. Now we need to talk.

RK: You shouldn't be in here anyway. I have sanctuary.

SPARKY: That's for undocumented immigrants.

RK: Well, my great-grandparents came here from Sweden. That should count for something.

SPARKY: Look, RK, I just wanna know what the hell your problem is. Why did you walk out on the dinner like that?

RK: Why did you walk out on the dinner?

SPARKY: To find you and bring you back to the freaking restaurant!

RK: Well, that's sweet. You actually wanted me around for once.

SPARKY: RK, it's me. Just talk to me, man. What's going on with you?

RK: It's you. You're Sparky, the guy that always has to control things. It's always your bright idea, it's always you coming up with the plan, it's always you balancing us out and blending our...more extreme personalities together. Okay, that last thing isn't bad at all, but I'm sick of you thinking you're the top dog.

SPARKY: Dude, I don't think I'm the top dog. I just wanted the dinner to go well and for us to have fun. And then you lost your shit at the table.

RK: Yeah, because you just had to get credit once again for putting it all together. The dinner thing was my idea and it feels like you were trying to steal my shine.

SPARKY: You know who said that I should be the leader of the group?

RK: I don't know. Sounds like something Jaylynn would say.

SPARKY: It was you. Back when Wade and Jaylynn weren't even around. You thought I was organized and could hold things down better than anyone.

RK: I probably said that, but I say a lot of things at a lot of times.

SPARKY: Look, RK, I never even wanted to be the leader of the gang. But you believed in me so I started believing in myself. I always thought you would make a great leader.

RK: Really?

SPARKY: Yeah. You're independent, you're confident, you say what's on your mind, you're not afraid to go after what you want. Half the time, I wish I could be you.

RK: You're kidding.

SPARKY: I'm not. I always thought you were the man.

RK: Huh. You know, all this time, I kinda thought I could never be you or do the things you do. That's why I go so hard all the time trying to prove myself. I just want people to take me seriously.

SPARKY: And they do. You just don't know it.

RK: Well, if I really helped you out when we were younger, I guess we are on the same level.

SPARKY: I always thought you were on my level, RK.

Beat.

RK: So you really do respect me as a young Caucasian man?

SPARKY: Uh, yeah?

RK: That's all I needed to hear. Come on, let's go get that dessert before Buster and Jaylynn eat it and pretend they didn't.

SPARKY: Sure. But RK?

RK: Yeah.

SPARKY: It's going to take me a long time to forgive you for that Cimorelli rant.

RK: I don't take back anything I said. Their last album was mediocre, even for them.

Beat.

SPARKY: I respect that.

SCENE 19

Le Château de la Nourriture

Seattle, Washington

WADE: Wait, so Max and Ruby seriously have parents?

BUSTER: Yeah. When I found out, it felt like the world stopped.

JAYLYNN: I always thought they were dead.

BUSTER: Me too. But then they just popped up in an episode once and I was all, "Wait, so you abandoned your kids for five seasons? What's wrong with you?"

JAYLYNN: At least they came back and stayed.

WADE: Yeah, but now the writers have to let us know why they glorified the lives of orphans for so long.

Sparky and RK walk to the table.

SPARKY: Hey there, sports fans.

BUSTER: Ha! You used to say that all the time!

SPARKY: Aw, you ruined it.

WADE: So you two are cool now?

RK: Yeah, we worked everything out. No need to ever go back to this little episode.

JAYLYNN: Well, that's good. We weren't splitting the bill three ways anyway.

SPARKY: I actually have an announcement to make. Wait, after I slaughter this cake.

SCENE 20

Le Château de la Nourriture

Seattle, Washington

Sparky burps and groans with satisfaction after finishing his cake. The others look noticeably disturbed.

SPARKY: Wow, this is...this is like, if the Lord...took his batter and made it into a cake. Oh yeah.

JAYLYNN: Sparky?

SPARKY: Yes, honey?

JAYLYNN: Are you still going to make your announcement?

SPARKY: What announcement? Right, right, the thing. I wanted to say that tonight, we didn't know what to expect. All we knew was that we wanted a nice dinner. There were some bumps in the road, but at the end of the day, none of this would have been possible without RK. He had the vision and he made it happen. A round of applause for RK.

Everyone claps for RK.

RK: You know what? I can't do this.

BUSTER: Oh no, he's gonna run away again. WE BROKE HIM!

The other customers look at the table again.

BUSTER: Partial deafness is a superpower, you jerks.

RK: No, I meant that I can't take all the credit for this. Sparky is the one who tried to hold things down, the same way he's been holding things down since me, him, and Buster met. This dinner wouldn't have been as classy or as elegant without Sparky.

Everyone claps for Sparky.

SPARKY: You're the man, RK.

RK: No, you're the man.

SPARKY: Yeah, but I'm saying, you're the man.

RK: I said, you're the man. Take it.

SPARKY: And I'm saying, you're the man. Accept that.

RK: You're the man, Sparky, you're the tag team champions.

SPARKY: You're the tag team champions, dammit!

Beat.

SPARKY: What's going on here?

RK: I don't know, I'm scared.

JAYLYNN: You know what this needs? Some music.

WADE: Go ahead and play it, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: How did you know?

Jaylynn begins playing "Havana" again on her phone. She starts dancing.

BUSTER: I love this song. Buster starts dancing as well. Does anyone know where Havana is?

WADE: I'm just going to dance with you two and that will be that.

Wade starts dancing, while Sparky and RK join in. Everyone gives the kids dirty looks as they watch them dance around the table. Cut to an exterior shot of the restaurant as the screen fades to black.

("Bring It On" by Jay-Z featuring Sauce Money and Jaz-O plays over the end credits)

POST-CREDITS GAG

The manager escorts the kids out of the restaurant.

JAYLYNN: Oh, come on, dancing's not a crime! Did you hear how expensive that song sounded?

The manager closes the door.

RK: We should have never tipped them.

BUSTER: Well, Sparky, it looks like we failed you again. What a mess.

SPARKY: Hey, we didn't get banned this time. Besides, this happened at the end of the meal. Not bad.

WADE: So I guess we just go home.

JAYLYNN: Or maybe we could keep jamming to this song, and go home later?

RK: I like that idea.

SPARKY: Well, Jaylynn, you know what to do. Play that jam.

Jaylynn starts playing "Havana" again and the kids continue their dancing in the streets of Seattle, with Sparky's car still parked at the restaurant. Cut to black.

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS